How do i deal with me being the only one mum is nasty with!

[calam76]

Hi all , I'm new to this forum ,well I say new I registered a while ago but never posted ,was to scared to.
My mum has Vascular dementia along side Alzheimers. ( Diagnosed 17mths ago) We think she started about two year prior to this.
I'm the only one out of my siblings & niece that mum is nasty with.
I get really upset and find myself in arguments with her . How can I deal with this in the best possible way .
Don't get me wrong soon after she's nasty ,she apologises and tells me she loves me.
Thanks for reading my 1st post,took me a while.

 

[Kevinl]

Well, hello and welcome, that and thank you for posting you obviously didn't find it an easy thing to do so as I say thank you.
There is a thing called host/hostess mode where someone out performs the curve when others are present, but when it's just the two of you then...familiarity breed contempt, maybe.
My wife could be quite horrible to me but, minute o friend or neighbour turned up all of a sudden I was Mr nice guy.
There is no logic in it, you have to learn to live in their world when they can't live in ours.
You always hurt the one you love as the song lyrics say. K

 

[Jools1402]

Hi and welcome @calam76 . Please don't ever be afraid to post on this forum - I'm quite new here too - you will never be criticised and will always be supported.
Do you see more of your Mum than your siblings & niece do? It sounds to me as if - like Kevini says - she is putting on a bit of a front for the others, With you on the other hand she probably feels very safe so all her frustrations will come out but she doesn't know exactly what those frustrations are - so you I'm afraid are the target. It is a sort of a compliment really - but I know it doesn't feel like it. Try not to argue with her - it gains nothing - just walk away if it gets too much.

 

[scout57]

i also find that i am accused as being unkind and also stealing money from my wife bank account (odd as we have a joint account), also i am a sole carer as our kids say they live to far away, I have learnt that i am not alone but do struggle on a day to day basis. you have to be alert not matter what time of the day thing happen and it can be 3am and you have to change the bed or deal with stopping them getting dressed.

 

[TobyandMonica]

I agree with Jools1402 - it’s a safe way for your mother to vent her frustrations. I once asked my mother why she was always so rude to me. She immediately replied, “Well if I can’t be rude to you, who can I be rude to?”

 

[Kevinl]

I agree with Jools1402 - it’s a safe way for your mother to vent her frustrations. I once asked my mother why she was always so rude to me. She immediately replied, “Well if I can’t be rude to you, who can I be rude to?”

Send her my way, I'm used to it. K

 

[snowmile]

Send her my way, I'm used to it. K

Lol! Best reply ever! Thanks for the laugh!

 

[snowmile]

Hi all , I'm new to this forum ,well I say new I registered a while ago but never posted ,was to scared to.
My mum has Vascular dementia along side Alzheimers. ( Diagnosed 17mths ago) We think she started about two year prior to this.
I'm the only one out of my siblings & niece that mum is nasty with.
I get really upset and find myself in arguments with her . How can I deal with this in the best possible way .
Don't get me wrong soon after she's nasty ,she apologises and tells me she loves me.
Thanks for reading my 1st post,took me a while.

I have no words of wisdom but know you're not alone! It helps to vent and anyone reading these posts definitely understands

 

[calam76]

Thank you all so much for your replies. Means a lot

 

[Alisongs]

Shows your Mum loves you and trusts you enough that you are a safe way to vent her frustration and confusion. Bit of a back handed compliment. Welcome to the club!

 

[Alisongs]

I agree with Jools1402 - it’s a safe way for your mother to vent her frustrations. I once asked my mother why she was always so rude to me. She immediately replied, “Well if I can’t be rude to you, who can I be rude to?”

My mum always used to say, if I can't argue with you.... Exhausting

 

[GeorgieW]

When my PWD starts, I am "nasty" the fact that she is evil, vindictive and narcissistic is beside the point. She also has Vascular alongside Alzheimer's.

When things go too far, she gets violent and attempts to hit me.... last time she tried this, she fell over and landed on the sofa on top of one of the dogs. I now walk out of the house when I see that she is attempting to take it this far.

And it can be over anything..... no clue what it is but we think it is when I don't let her get her own way

 

[Jessie5]

When my little boy was a toddler he used to be angelic at preschool and then unleash hell on me when I picked him up. One of the preschool teachers said he must be really ‘securely attached to you’ - meaning I was one someone safe to vent with! I think it is similar with dementia? They often vent to the safe person in their lives and put on a show for others?

Keep telling yourself it is the illness not your Mum. I got to a point when I just shut my ears to it and would say ‘oh dear’ in a bored monotone or walk away. It sometimes worked!

She’s angry a lot of the time with everyone now so whilst disturbing and sad it feels less personal.

 

[Kevinl]

As the song lyrics go " you always hurt the one you love..." K