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How did you do it?

Eleonora

Registered User
Dec 21, 2012
170
Abingdon Oxfordshire
Good evening everyone.
I’d love to hear advice from those of you, who have cared for many years for a much loved OH;
and then, reluctantly decided to consider a C.H. for them. I must be brave and type those dread words - Care Home

How did you manage the transition? I just can’t see how I would be able to break it to
my OH.
I have been his 24/7 carer for eight years and, sadly, our children refused to help when I asked them to find a way to help me to take a respite break for a few days.

I am at my wits end, and spend far too much time on self pitying crying.

My husband is nearly ninety years old; and has mixed Alzheimer’s and Vascular dementia.
He also has Epilepsy, is nearly blind, and uses a wheelchair. He is catheterized, and has started to become doubly incontinent.

He has been attending day-care on Monday mornings; which has been a Godsend for me.
However, it is becoming harder and harder to get him up, washed, dressed & breakfasted by eight thirty when the mini ambulance picks him up.
He’s an old guy after all, and loves his bed.
He begs me to drop the day-care, and I feel it is cruel to send him, when he hates it so much.

Unlike so many of the Dementia suffers I read of here, he is not violent, and tries to cooperate as best he can.
And yet, he is no company for me, and sits, slumped in his armchair all afternoon and evening, just repeating his few, well worn phrases.


I'm now seventy-six, and I am finding it harder and harder to cope. I’ve not had a day off in all this time. Not even during the time last year, when I was treated for breast cancer.

I still love him for the man he once was, but I think I will go into melt-down if I don’t have a few days off soon.

So, tell me please. How did you manage to gently and kindly ease your beloved partner into a care home?
Did you hang on in there until it became an absolute necessity? I know some of you did.
Was the decision taken out of your hands by the authorities? .
Do you regret it?
Do they regret it?
Your thoughts and experiences would help me to come to terms with a really tough decision.




[/FONT]
 

marionq

Registered User
Apr 24, 2013
6,035
Scotland
Can you change to afternoons for him as he is hard to get up in the mornings. Alternatively would a carer coming in for the morning allow you some free time. Have you had a carers assessment which you are entitled to in the UK.
 

Pumpkin12

Registered User
Oct 16, 2014
69
Hello Eleonora I just wanted to send you a really big hug and say that I take my hat off to you. I struggle some times careing for my grandad in law. I'm only 23, I find it tough sometimes and I have my partner to help me through so how you have managed all that time on your own your a super star and true inspiration :) please please get some help there must be something or someone that can help you through home help or carers. You deserve some you time to rest and recuperate to keep your strength up and keep you healthy and well and in turn will help your OH. I just wish there was something I could do to help or say. Please keep your chin up my thoughts are with you both and I'm sending you a very big hug. Your post really touched me. Take care x


Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point
 

Jinx

Registered User
Mar 13, 2014
2,333
Pontypool
I am relatively new to being a carer, just approaching the end of my first, post-diagnosis, year but my husband has deteriorated very quickly in that time although he is still continent. As I work full time and sometimes have to be away with work I have had to arrange for him to go into respite. I was quite open with him and explained that he was going to a care home where he would stay for a few days while I was away. The alternative would be having lots of different carers coming and going which I thought he would find confusing.The CH manager came to do an assessment before he went in and she was very good reassuring him. I didn't mention it much until just before he was due to go and he went like a lamb. He was only there for 3 days but he seemed quite happy when I collected him. He's going again after Christmas as I'm going away for a few days, He is 82 and I'm 63, the age gap has never been wider than it is now.


Sent from my iPad using Talking Point
 

Gigglemore

Registered User
Oct 18, 2013
526
British Isles
"...our children refused to help when I asked them to find a way to help me to take a respite break for a few days"
Dear Eleonora, I will not say what I think of your children as I am sure it would upset you. I can only hope that they come to their senses soon and rally round to help you, but sadly realise that this may not happen if even your breast cancer did not prick their consciences.

I do hope that you are able to arrange some respite soon, and that it will give you a chance to think clearly about the future. Hopefully your experience of respite care will be as positive as Jinx's.

Take care.
 

Feline

Registered User
Oct 25, 2012
164
East Devon
Good evening everyone.
I’d love to hear advice from those of you, who have cared for many years for a much loved OH;
and then, reluctantly decided to consider a C.H. for them. I must be brave and type those dread words - Care Home

How did you manage the transition? I just can’t see how I would be able to break it to
my OH.
I have been his 24/7 carer for eight years and, sadly, our children refused to help when I asked them to find a way to help me to take a respite break for a few days.

I am at my wits end, and spend far too much time on self pitying crying.

My husband is nearly ninety years old; and has mixed Alzheimer’s and Vascular dementia.
He also has Epilepsy, is nearly blind, and uses a wheelchair. He is catheterized, and has started to become doubly incontinent.

He has been attending day-care on Monday mornings; which has been a Godsend for me.
However, it is becoming harder and harder to get him up, washed, dressed & breakfasted by eight thirty when the mini ambulance picks him up.
He’s an old guy after all, and loves his bed.
He begs me to drop the day-care, and I feel it is cruel to send him, when he hates it so much.

Unlike so many of the Dementia suffers I read of here, he is not violent, and tries to cooperate as best he can.
And yet, he is no company for me, and sits, slumped in his armchair all afternoon and evening, just repeating his few, well worn phrases.


I'm now seventy-six, and I am finding it harder and harder to cope. I’ve not had a day off in all this time. Not even during the time last year, when I was treated for breast cancer.

I still love him for the man he once was, but I think I will go into melt-down if I don’t have a few days off soon.

So, tell me please. How did you manage to gently and kindly ease your beloved partner into a care home?
Did you hang on in there until it became an absolute necessity? I know some of you did.
Was the decision taken out of your hands by the authorities? .
Do you regret it?
Do they regret it?
Your thoughts and experiences would help me to come to terms with a really tough decision.




[/FONT]
Hi
I do feel for you, this is a quick reply, because I am about to try and get some sleep, before my husband thinks its time to get up.
I organised one overnight stay first, followed by a two night stay about three weeks later, which just helped to recharge my battery. That is all I have done so far. I was urged to try it by our Community Heath nurse, so that if we had an emergency, we would know it could be done. Hope this helps.
 

Rosie2

Registered User
May 17, 2008
47
Same dilemma

Good evening everyone.
I’d love to hear advice from those of you, who have cared for many years for a much loved OH;
and then, reluctantly decided to consider a C.H. for them. I must be brave and type those dread words - Care Home

How did you manage the transition? I just can’t see how I would be able to break it to
my OH.
I have been his 24/7 carer for eight years and, sadly, our children refused to help when I asked them to find a way to help me to take a respite break for a few days.

I am at my wits end, and spend far too much time on self pitying crying.

My husband is nearly ninety years old; and has mixed Alzheimer’s and Vascular dementia.
He also has Epilepsy, is nearly blind, and uses a wheelchair. He is catheterized, and has started to become doubly incontinent.

He has been attending day-care on Monday mornings; which has been a Godsend for me.
However, it is becoming harder and harder to get him up, washed, dressed & breakfasted by eight thirty when the mini ambulance picks him up.
He’s an old guy after all, and loves his bed.
He begs me to drop the day-care, and I feel it is cruel to send him, when he hates it so much.

Unlike so many of the Dementia suffers I read of here, he is not violent, and tries to cooperate as best he can.
And yet, he is no company for me, and sits, slumped in his armchair all afternoon and evening, just repeating his few, well worn phrases.


I'm now seventy-six, and I am finding it harder and harder to cope. I’ve not had a day off in all this time. Not even during the time last year, when I was treated for breast cancer.

I still love him for the man he once was, but I think I will go into melt-down if I don’t have a few days off soon.

So, tell me please. How did you manage to gently and kindly ease your beloved partner into a care home?
Did you hang on in there until it became an absolute necessity? I know some of you did.
Was the decision taken out of your hands by the authorities? .
Do you regret it?
Do they regret it?
Your thoughts and experiences would help me to come to terms with a really tough decision.




[/FONT]
Hi Eleonora
I find myself in the same situation.
I have been caring for 10 years now, the last year has seen a huge deterioration.
He doesn't have the same physical problems as your husband though.
My sons are not offering any support.
Care manager told me today that as we were self funding they were closing the case.
This afternoon care home where I had a reservation phoned to tell me the room was ready ... but I wasn't.(this is permanent not respite) I don't know how to do this. Like your oh mine is normally compliant and laughs at most things. My problem is with continence. I just do not cope well at all.
I'm afraid I delayed until November when the next room becomes available but can't keep delaying otherwise I will loose the option. I thought we could have this Christmas together.
This is the toughest decision to make and I'm scared and guilty.
Not much help to you only to say I understand.
 

Scarlett123

Registered User
Apr 30, 2013
3,802
Essex
I cared for John for 11 years, so I have some idea of what you're going through. In my case, I had a knee operation due, this summer, so arranged the respite, and took his things along the day before. Then I drove him to the Home, and told him that as I'd be off my feet, and unable to look after him properly, I was taking him to "this hotel" for a few days.

And then that arrangement sidled into permanent care. When I had Breast Cancer, 7 years ago, I was tired for about a year afterwards. Could you not say to your hubby that you have to have some check-ups, and so you've arranged for him to go into a hotel for a few days? But don't tell him until you get there.

I know it'll be hard, you'll drown in guilt, and your children may say that they can't believe what you've done. I'm afraid you just have to get that suit of armour on, and, to avoid an argument, say something along the lines of "yes, I know it's sad, but I can't do this single handed, and know you're too busy to help". :eek::eek::eek:

Then you smile, a smile that is a mixture of brave, stoic, sad, loving and Oscar-winning. Good Luck! :D
 

truth24

Registered User
Oct 13, 2013
5,725
North Somerset
I'm afraid in my case, the decision was practically forced on me by gentle pressure from my loving family and Soc Services after their lovely carers became unable to cope either. What was meant to be 2 weeks respite became permanent care after assessment by the Mental Health team when they said enough was enough. On the day. after his personal care, a friend he still related to managed to persuade him to come downstairs for coffee and then helped him in the car when, accompanied by our daughter, we drove to the home and met the staff (had been before on our round of visiting homes to find the right one and luckily they had a vacancy). We took his things to his room and settled him in telling him he was having a few days holiday then left him when the staff took him for lunch. Was and am heartbroken at the deceit and losing him and I know he hated me for leaving him at first but seems to have settled now and I know he is well cared for. Visit every 2 days as our choice is 30 mins drive away, sometimes with a good result, other times not, but at least I can still see him. But the guilt never leaves you and it's hard to rebuild life knowing what you've done. Feeling for you and I hope all goes as well as it can.




Sent from my GT-N5110
 

LadyA

Registered User
Oct 19, 2009
13,563
Ireland
Our transition too was eased by several weeks over a number of months in respite - only two weeks was planned, the rest were emergency weeks "sneaked" to me by a lovely CPN, as she knew how unmanageable the situation was. So, as he'd been in a nursing home for up to two weeks at a time before, he didn't mind too much. It broke my heart when the time came though, to know that this time, he wouldn't be coming home again. But at least I know he's safe, I'm safe, and if I'm honest, he is getting a standard of care and stimulation that I could never hope to give him at home.
 

Eleonora

Registered User
Dec 21, 2012
170
Abingdon Oxfordshire
Thank you all for your thoughtful replies. I know from reading your posts that some of you have held out until there was no alternative; and how I respect your steadfastness, devotion and downright courage.
I hope to follow where you have led, but sometimes my courage falls flat on its face, and I toy with those siren thoughts of sleep, days to myself. even a visit to the flicks.
I've made careful note of your hints on how a CH might be achieved, and bless you for taking the time to shine a torch into this dark area.
Hugs to you all.
 

Leolady56

Registered User
Aug 9, 2014
44
South Africa
For Eleanora

Good evening everyone.
I’d love to hear advice from those of you, who have cared for many years for a much loved OH;
and then, reluctantly decided to consider a C.H. for them. I must be brave and type those dread words - Care Home

How did you manage the transition? I just can’t see how I would be able to break it to
my OH.
I have been his 24/7 carer for eight years and, sadly, our children refused to help when I asked them to find a way to help me to take a respite break for a few days.



I am at my wits end, and spend far too much time on self pitying crying.

My husband is nearly ninety years old; and has mixed Alzheimer’s and Vascular dementia.
He also has Epilepsy, is nearly blind, and uses a wheelchair. He is catheterized, and has started to become doubly incontinent.

He has been attending day-care on Monday mornings; which has been a Godsend for me.
However, it is becoming harder and harder to get him up, washed, dressed & breakfasted by eight thirty when the mini ambulance picks him up.
He’s an old guy after all, and loves his bed.
He begs me to drop the day-care, and I feel it is cruel to send him, when he hates it so much.

Unlike so many of the Dementia suffers I read of here, he is not violent, and tries to cooperate as best he can.
And yet, he is no company for me, and sits, slumped in his armchair all afternoon and evening, just repeating his few, well worn phrases.


I'm now seventy-six, and I am finding it harder and harder to cope. I’ve not had a day off in all this time. Not even during the time last year, when I was treated for breast cancer.

I still love him for the man he once was, but I think I will go into melt-down if I don’t have a few days off soon.

So, tell me please. How did you manage to gently and kindly ease your beloved partner into a care home?
Did you hang on in there until it became an absolute necessity? I know some of you did.
Was the decision taken out of your hands by the authorities? .
Do you regret it?
Do they regret it?
Your thoughts and experiences would help me to come to terms with a really tough decision.

Oh Eleanora

I felt SO sad as I was reading your letter. I can't give you advice on how to change your hubby over to a care home but believe me when I say it felt like I had a huge pit in my stomach as I read how your children have also been totally unwilling to help you to care for their dad! That is so very sad and I experienced exactly the same thing with my 3 children who basically also just left me high and dry when they heard that their Granny had developed AD. It's shameful and my heart goes out to you! I hope that the other members can give you more of the actual practical help and suggestions which you need and are asking for. Sending you love, light and inspiration in this next stage of this AD journey you are on with your husband. Hugs
 

Lilac Blossom

Registered User
Oct 6, 2014
558
Scotland
Dear Eleonora

My situation is really very similar to yours

Trying hard to cope with hubby's needs even when I had breast cancer, operation and chemo etc. Family unwilling to help. Hubby nearly blind, catheterised, housebound, so cannot attend day care. Our age is similar to yours too - I am 74 hubby 87. Hubby was diagnosed leukaemia 15 years ago and one of the treatments resulted in bones collapsing and affecting mobility, developed into steroid-induced osteoporosis. And then Dementia. Like you, I have no companionship so it's a lonely life, very isolating as it is 24/7 care.

Like you, I often think the time has come for CH but then I keep putting it off.
 

Gigglemore

Registered User
Oct 18, 2013
526
British Isles
Eleonora - how are you coping?

Hello Eleonora - not sure if you are using TP at the moment but just wondering how you are getting on. Have your children rallied round?

Hope you are coping, and that you have managed to access some respite care so that you can have a much needed break.