Hi my name is Sharron, I have been married 23 years. My husband was diagnosed with demetia 2 years ago

[Helplessly]

My husband is currently in a care home, when I go and visit him, he tells me all the women around him love him, and he wants a divorce so he can marry one of them whom he claims he loves very much.
I am beginning to find my visits very distressing, as I cannot tell if it is true, or it is the dementia speaking. I dont know what to do, other than stay away in order to protect my own mental health as I am getting very depressed. He seems very cold towards me, even though he recognises me. I do not want a divorce. What do I do, I am heartbroken.

 

[Gosling]

Hello @Helplessly , and firstly welcome to this Dementia Support Forum. There is a wealth of shared experience of dementia to be found here, so I am glad you have found us.

I am sorry to read of your husband's dementia and that he is now in a care home. I am also so sorry that you are having to go through these distressing and very upsetting comments from him. I obviously cannot say for sure, but I am very confident it will be the dementia talking... it changes people that much that their perception of loved ones and other people all gets very confused. And that will be it I am sure. Easy for me to say, try to let it wash over you, because that is so difficult too.

By what you say, I think it would be wise for you to perhaps see your GP and tell him/her what is going on and the fact that you are depressed. You do most certainly need to protect your own wellbeing.
I hope you will find this forum useful for information, and any particular advice if you need it, do just ask, as members here really do want to help. You will always find understanding and a listening ear.

 

[Sarasa]

Welcome to Dementia Support Form @Helplessly. I think staying away for a while is a good idea for your own wellbeing. I’d also talk to the manager and the senior carers about your husband and how he is when you’re not there. He’s probably slipped back in time and sees himself as a young man having fun. My mum used to go drinking with the young men in her local pub. She’d totally forgotten she was in her nineties and saw herself as a flirtatious twenty something. Practically your husband is unlikely to be able to divorce you and it’s also doubtful that anyone else will want to marry him, so I would try to ignore his comments as much as you can.

 

[Helplessly]

Welcome to Dementia Support Form @Helplessly. I think staying away for a while is a good idea for your own wellbeing. I’d also talk to the manager and the senior carers about your husband and how he is when you’re not there. He’s probably slipped back in time and sees himself as a young man having fun. My mum used to go drinking with the young men in her local pub. She’d totally forgotten she was in her nineties and saw herself as a flirtatious twenty something. Practically your husband is unlikely to be able to divorce you and it’s also doubtful that anyone else will want to marry him, so I would try to ignore his comments as much as you can.

Thank you so much for your response, I was feeling guilty about staying away, but I keep being told I have to look after myself first, and his comments were upsetting me terribly.

 

[Helplessly]

Thank you to all of you who have replied, I feel a little better. I miss him so much it hurts, but I cannot bear listening to him telling me about all his "girlfriends" He seems so lucid, when he is telling me and asking for a divorce, which confuses me even more

 

[canary]

I cannot bear listening to him telling me about all his "girlfriends" He seems so lucid, when he is telling me and asking for a divorce, which confuses me even more

I expect it is all in his head.
My mum used to tell me stories about what happened in her care home, what she had done and what other people had done or said - and none of it was true. Its a symptom of dementia called confabulation.
Speak to the manager about what he is saying and she may be able to put your mind at ease

 

[Weasell]

I think @Sarasa give you excellent advice about staying away for a while.
That is certainly what I would do.
Remember, when you look back on someone’s dementia journey you reflect on the difference stages ‘ oh yes that was the stage when I was stealing from you’! The stages come and go, and this one will too, so don’t despair !

Please don’t allow anyone to guilt trip you, if you do follow the advice to stay away. Destroying your own well being will do nothing to help your husband.

 

[JaxG]

Hi @Helplessly I am sorry you are having such a hard time. It sounds like the dementia progressed quite quickly and it is hard to understand the changes and the devastation the disease can bring. As others have said I would imagine it's the dementia that is making your husband behave this way. I can only speak from my personal experience but dementia has totally changed my husband. He was not an easy man, but he was never verbally abusive or physically violent. Dementia changed this, he was angry and aggressive all the time and I became the object of his anger. Fortunately he is on an anti-psychotic medication now and much calmer, but I've had 4 or 5 years to process the changes, I've grieved for what I've lost - not just the person but my present and my future.
I also agree with the others, maybe don't visit for a while. You need now to look after yourself, I am sure your husband is being well cared for, and keep posting on this forum - you will get so much support and understanding.

 

[Helplessly]

Hi @Helplessly I am sorry you are having such a hard time. It sounds like the dementia progressed quite quickly and it is hard to understand the changes and the devastation the disease can bring. As others have said I would imagine it's the dementia that is making your husband behave this way. I can only speak from my personal experience but dementia has totally changed my husband. He was not an easy man, but he was never verbally abusive or physically violent. Dementia changed this, he was angry and aggressive all the time and I became the object of his anger. Fortunately he is on an anti-psychotic medication now and much calmer, but I've had 4 or 5 years to process the changes, I've grieved for what I've lost - not just the person but my present and my future.
I also agree with the others, maybe don't visit for a while. You need now to look after yourself, I am sure your husband is being well cared for, and keep posting on this forum - you will get so much support and understanding.

Hi Jaxg, your reply was very reasurring, like you my husband also never verbally or physically attacked me either, and I never saw him as a womaniser either, he seemed devoted to me, now it is like he is in a playground of women and can have his choice who he wants, anyone except for me. It is heartbreaking.

 

[Helplessly]

I think @Sarasa give you excellent advice about staying away for a while.
That is certainly what I would do.
Remember, when you look back on someone’s dementia journey you reflect on the difference stages ‘ oh yes that was the stage when I was stealing from you’! The stages come and go, and this one will too, so don’t despair !

Please don’t allow anyone to guilt trip you, if you do follow the advice to stay away. Destroying your own well being will do nothing to help your husband.

Thank you Weasell, my husband also accused me of stealing from him, and I was so embarrased when he said it loudly in front of other people. I never had to steal from him, he would give me anything I wanted and I had my own money also. Now he also told me he is taking me to court!!!!!!

 

[canary]

Accusations of stealing are so common in mid-stage dementia that they are almost diagnostic @Helplessly
Of course he wont be taking you to court, its like him talking about his "girlfriends" and saying he wants a divorce. Its very very hurtful, but its just typical dementia delusion, we hear about these things over and over again on here. He may sound lucid, but his mind is in total confusion. Please try and let it wash over you. Yes, have a good cry (we all do) because it is indeed heartbreaking, but dont believe what he says. He is living in his own reality where he is the centre of attention and nothing that he does is ever wrong.
((((((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))))

 

[JaxG]

@canary is right - all this is the dementia. Because the PWD still looks the same and sounds the same, it is really hard to understand and accept that these delusions and behaviours are the disease, but they are. It is impossible not to be hurt but the staff in the care home will be used to all that you are experiencing. Big hugs to you xxxx

 

[Mustang66]

My husbands eyes light up when he see's certain members of staff and he gives them big hugs
Me I cannot even touch him!
I say to the floor team leader that there are 3 people in our marriage, we actually laugh about it.
They used to feel bad for me, so turning it around has made us all feel better
The fact is he has dementia and therefore not responsible for how he act's. Its all part of this awful illness.
He has behavioural FTD, as a family we cannot take his actions to heart, we had to adapt to the off the scale behaviour. Prior to him going in a care home no one could visit us as he stopped anyone coming in.
Obviously I have also cried an ocean of tears over the years but if you can turn darkness into humour it really does help. Remember as time goes on it is not personal, it is someone with no control over there actions.
I also would agree with whatever he say's and change the subject if you are able
The worst part of the dementia is they hurt us there partner, but that is why it is so cruel
I still go in everyday and visit
Big hugs x

 

[Mustang66]

My husband is currently in a care home, when I go and visit him, he tells me all the women around him love him, and he wants a divorce so he can marry one of them whom he claims he loves very much.
I am beginning to find my visits very distressing, as I cannot tell if it is true, or it is the dementia speaking. I dont know what to do, other than stay away in order to protect my own mental health as I am getting very depressed. He seems very cold towards me, even though he recognises me. I do not want a divorce. What do I do, I am heartbroken.

 

[maisiecat]

Hi, this is very sad for you. My husband is also in a Nursing Home and often asks for a divorce without a specific reason but I think its about giving me my freedom. In moments of lucidity he has said he has given me a terrible life ( he has had parkinsons for 18 years as well as dementia). I think they also are aware of financial discussions so I do think it may be protective.
The girlfriend thing is difficult to swallow but I think in the homes they are almost childlike and children are always all over each other. They also often become very obsessed with the carers. Cut your visits back a bit and try and line them up with something that is happening at the home so you can say lets go to the cinema/ singer/bingo.
However things are for them they are never better for us there is always a new issue but they are not doing it with any cognition. There reality is totally flawed so try not to take it to heart. When it all gets too much give yourself a break and do something you enjoy x