Hi everyone

nancymay

Registered User
Oct 12, 2023
14
0
My sister has had alzheimer's for 6 years now , she recently went into respite as her husband is not coping , she was very upset and distressed by this , she then came home after 2 weeks, then suddenly without notifying her sisters my neice who has power of attorney placed my sister in full time dementia care , we were all devastated , she's unhappy there , but there nothing we can do apart from making sure every day that she knows we are there for her , it breaks my heart leaving her she's the eldest of four girls and been a midwife all her life caring for all of us , she's a gentle kind person and does not deserve this , we are so cross with the husband's side of the family as they say she's not there anymore , how can they say that , we are all so upset for the way they have behaved .
 

SeaSwallow

Volunteer Moderator
Oct 28, 2019
6,324
0
Hello @nancymay I am so sorry to read that you are upset that your sister has had to move into a care home. You said that her husband was not coping with your sister's Alzheimer's and that is probably why it was felt that it was time for the move. He had been caring for your sister for six years and as a carer I can tell you that full time caring is very tiring and stressful.
Most people when they first move into care are not happy but given time they do settle down and are usually quite happy and content. It is good that you are visiting your sister and I am sure that she appreciates seeing you.
 

Lawson58

Registered User
Aug 1, 2014
4,422
0
Victoria, Australia
My sister has had alzheimer's for 6 years now , she recently went into respite as her husband is not coping , she was very upset and distressed by this , she then came home after 2 weeks, then suddenly without notifying her sisters my neice who has power of attorney placed my sister in full time dementia care , we were all devastated , she's unhappy there , but there nothing we can do apart from making sure every day that she knows we are there for her , it breaks my heart leaving her she's the eldest of four girls and been a midwife all her life caring for all of us , she's a gentle kind person and does not deserve this , we are so cross with the husband's side of the family as they say she's not there anymore , how can they say that , we are all so upset for the way they have behaved .
I suspect that the time in respite revealed just how tired and burnt out your brother-in-law was and that was the trigger for making the move into full time care. Caring full time for a person with dementia is the most exhausting thing I have ever had to do so I think your niece made the decision in concern for her father as well as the welfare of her mum.

My guess is that she didn’t discuss it with you because she was pretty sure that you would resist the move. It really is not a matter of what your sister deserves. Nobody deserves to be a victim of this disease and that includes those who have had to care for them.

I understand that your sister is unhappy and wants to be out. Nobody wants to go into care but it usually happens because that’s what they need and require every day. There comes a time with dementia when there are no either/or choices. Dementia is never about one person as you are discovering and now is the time to support not just your sister but her family too. They didn’t get to this space without a lot of rough times and heartache.
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
25,296
0
South coast
Caring for someone with dementia is unbelievably hard @nancymay . I have been the carer for my mum and now my OH. My inlaws both had dementia too and although I was never the main carer for either I saw how it affected them and the people around them. It can have a devastating affect on their main carer - carers are 30% more likely to die than non-carers - and Im sure that the stress of looking after my father-in-law is what triggered my mother-in-laws vascular dementia.

None of us want to "put someone in a home" and all of us want to look after them at home for as long as possible and its actually very difficult to move someone into a care home against their will as there are so many safeguards. Nevertheless, my mum had to move into a care home and although my OH is still at home with me I am aware that eventually I will not be able to cope and he will need to move into a care home, for both our sakes.

As your sister is the eldest of four, then I am assuming that your brother in law is not a young man and the stress, sheer physical hard work and lack of sleep will have been very difficult and became impossible to cope with. Have you talked to your brother-in-law and your niece about the situation that led to this decision?

It is normal for people with dementia to be upset when they first move into a care home - the change in environment, different people around and not being able to understand why this is happening can really unsettle them, but it does get better and the alternative situation in mums own home was far, far worse. My mum spent the first 6 weeks in her care home trying to get out and go home (to her childhood home that had been bombed in the war!!), but she did settle, was happy there and I could visit her as her daughter, not as a frazzled carer.