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Help....I feel distraught

Discussion in 'I have a partner with dementia' started by Bebe100, Feb 8, 2015.

  1. Bebe100

    Bebe100 Registered User

    Jan 29, 2015
    6
    My husband of 40 years had the dreader Illness and I am at my wits end. We are on an extended (supposedly happy) long holiday but I am finding it so hard to cope. I try and explain to him the frustration of repeating every single plan over and over again. He nods and then we are back on what I think is an even keel only to go out with friends for him to be unpleasant and nasty. I try not to anger him but there are people In The company who don't know is that well and must think I am such a drip to agree with everything he says. Thus just prevents an embarrassing argument which then makes everyone uncomfortable. I told him tonight that I will fly back to the UK in two days time but he just acts as if he doesn't care. Maybe he will cope without me or am I being cruel by abandoning him....we have no children and I have no brothers or sisters to advise me. The closest friends that we have now dislike him so much because of the way he talks to me although he thinks they still love him. We are both just 70 and I can't think of years ahead living like this. Am I being a coward?
     
  2. Chuggalug

    Chuggalug Registered User

    Mar 24, 2014
    8,007
    Norfolk
    Oh, Bebe, what a cruel disease this is :(

    I don't know where you're speaking from: (another country? I'm in England).

    The reality of this is that because your hubby has lost his reasoning, this is what baffles him with what you are trying to make him understand. Once the power of reason disappears, understanding, and being able to work things out, for him, goes completely.

    When it all started here, for the first few months, I just dug my head into the sand, hoping it wouldn't get any worse. But it does get worse, and then come all the explanations to people that we have to do.

    It looks as if you are there. Is there a chance you can get a few minutes quiet time with your company and tell them what your hubby has got? Have you guys had a formal diagnosis? Scary move if you leave him. Who will then bring him home, as he'll have to eventually leave the holiday site, wherever it is.

    Are there any medics you can approach for advice? Phew. There's me thinkin' I had it rough...
     
  3. Caroleca

    Caroleca Registered User

    Jan 11, 2014
    332
    Ontario canada
    NO Bebe, you are not a coward! You said it...your at your "wits end". Very common for most carers at some point. I can't imagine being in your position as my mom has dementia and not my spouse. However, I wanted to let you know...I'm feeling for you.
    Carole
     
  4. Bebe100

    Bebe100 Registered User

    Jan 29, 2015
    6
    Thanks for support

    I'm here in South Africa with another two months before return to UK and if I am honest I know I won't fly back (although I would love to - even the cold and snow is better than this). We are due for another assessment when we return although in my own heart of hearts I know things won't get better. It is frightening to face it alone but hey lots of people have it much worse than I do. I was just feeling sorry for myself and afraid of the future (if I am completely honest). What I wouldn't give to go first!!
     
  5. Tin

    Tin Registered User

    May 18, 2014
    4,826
    UK
    No,no,no not a coward, maybe just worn out with it all and probably expecting the holiday to be relaxing and a welcome break for you both. If your friends have turned away from your husband, don't let them turn away from you, arrange to meet up with them by yourself, 'outsiders' just don't know how to deal with it. You need to give yourself a break from all the caring. After a year looking after my mother I decided last week to increase the sitter service I use and get out for a few lunches with friends, had my first 'ladies lunch' on Friday, thoroughly enjoyed myself for a few hours a few glasses of wine and silly chat. Of course mum was still on my mind, but for a moment there I was away from it all.

    Take care.
     
  6. Chuggalug

    Chuggalug Registered User

    Mar 24, 2014
    8,007
    Norfolk
    That sounds like a depression starting. How I feel for you, Bebe; especially now you're both out of your home environment, and so far away. But can you get any medical advice/help, over there, just to tide you over until you come home? Two months is a bit of a stretch, gal...
     
  7. esmeralda

    esmeralda Registered User

    Nov 27, 2014
    3,072
    Devon
    Hi Bebe, so sorry you are having such an awful time, it must be much harder trying to cope away from home. It's difficult enough in the UK, services may be limited but as Scarlett keeps saying, if you keep on there are things to help, also Carer's support organisations. Hope you keep posting on here, it helps to offload and there people are really helpful with advice.
     
  8. Bebe100

    Bebe100 Registered User

    Jan 29, 2015
    6
    Thanks guys for your kind words

    I wanted to thank you....will try and get some sleep. Tomorrow is another day.
     
  9. Scarlett123

    Scarlett123 Registered User

    Apr 30, 2013
    3,802
    Essex
    And when you wake up, we're all still here for you. :)
     
  10. truth24

    truth24 Registered User

    Oct 13, 2013
    5,726
    North Somerset
    Just wanted to send you a comforting hug. xx

    Sent from my GT-N5110
     
  11. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    69,586
    Kent
  12. Bebe100

    Bebe100 Registered User

    Jan 29, 2015
    6
    Thanks for help

    Near the end of a long long emotional night I just went in and got into bed and got a big cuddle while I sobbed. I don't think he had any idea why I was upset but it didn't matter.

    We had lunch with some friends - nice people who we know but aren't that close to - and it was lovely but towards the end of the day I overheard the man say to his wife 'he's just asked me the same question four times' and do I wonder how long it will be before people who aren't that close will tolerate the conversations like this. These are nice people and I don't suppose for one moment that they realise how it hurts. At what point do we stop socialising?
     
  13. Lindy50

    Lindy50 Registered User

    Dec 11, 2013
    5,302
    Cotswolds
    Just caught up with this thread and sending you (((hugs))) bebe :) xx

    If it carries on like this and you feel it's all too much, could you change the flights and come back earlier? Your hubby might accept this if he is finding it difficult to remember the existing plans.....

    Just a thought, as a get-out option if absolutely necessary.

    Otherwise, I hope you are able to enjoy the sun and company at least a bit :)

    Lindy xx
     
  14. truth24

    truth24 Registered User

    Oct 13, 2013
    5,726
    North Somerset
    Hope you have a better day today, bebe.

    Sent from my GT-N5110
     
  15. LadyA

    LadyA Registered User

    Oct 19, 2009
    13,520
    Ireland
    And in the meantime, if you can get a moment or two alone with your friends - lay your cards on the table! Just tell them what the problem is. I had to do that years ago. And I had to begin by saying "I have to rely on your discretion and trust you not to say anything to him, because the doctors don't feel he could cope with knowing the diagnosis." You might find that people have already figured it out anyway - and maybe are just afraid that you haven't! I did find that, like all nightmares, dementia lost some of it's nightmare qualities when it was acknowledged by others. Like fighting the shadows by turning the light on.

    Wishing you all the best - for what it's worth! xx
     
  16. Loopiloo

    Loopiloo Registered User

    May 10, 2010
    6,119
    Female
    Scotland
    I am so sorry you are having this difficult time. It is very hard.

    I would second what LadyA said about telling your friends. It will take some of the stress off you, to some extent, if they know. Hopefully they will understand. As much as others can do if never involved with anyone with dementia.

    Once I started telling others, sensing that they had guessed, this was the case with some.

    Two months is a long time to ‘keep it to yourself’ and I think you might have a sense of relief if you tell your friends. Also feel more relaxed when with them.

    Good luck

    Loo x
     
  17. pamann

    pamann Registered User

    Oct 28, 2013
    2,635
    Kent
    Hello Bebe100 l feel so much for you, this time last year we were in Madeira for 9weeks, it was such a bad time couldn't wait to get home, we have been going there for manys years to escape the uk weather, l can not go anymore airports are a nightmare too, l do miss the warm sunshine. We have friends in Cape Town who would like us to visit them we have been a few times but not now the flight is too many hours, l do hope you can cope for the rest of your stay, you will know when you get home if you can go again, keep posting here so that we can support you ♡♡♡
     
  18. Jackie533

    Jackie533 Registered User

    Jan 3, 2015
    4
    Hi


    Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point
     
  19. Bebe100

    Bebe100 Registered User

    Jan 29, 2015
    6
    Thanks for all your kind thoughts. Had a two hour break yesterday while I had coffee with friends and was able to talk. One of them had a similar (although much more unpleasant) experience and it was comforting to hear their experience. I am aware that over the past months that friends have taken me go one side for a chat. I think this also shows how concerned they are. I have brought them up to date with our visits to the memory clinic etc and it is much more out in the open now. I can discuss this in detail with my husband from time to time - depending on what sort of day he is having. He keeps apologising and saying - what can I do! I also know that within the hour it will be completely forgotten on his part. We have discussed in detail about selling our home and buying into a retirement village nearby. That said - we discuss and make the decision and then the same afternoon he says - what about our future plans? So it is back to square one. Do I expect too much? Feeling brighter and even more positive today but I would like to offer heartfelt thanks for everything so far. I have a feeling I'm going to need you guys in the future. One thing, I have now a focus for all my charity donations!!
     
  20. Scarlett123

    Scarlett123 Registered User

    Apr 30, 2013
    3,802
    Essex
    It's lovely to read that you are feeling better today. :)
     

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