Help, Dad's dementia is going to kill him and me

[fredsnail]

Can someone advise me on how to get a social worker assigned to my Grandad (apologies for hijacking the thread)?

Grandad's in hospital and the social worker has basically washed her hands of Grandad because he's self funding.

We're going round in circles with conflicting advice about what sort of home Grandad needs and are fed up of nurses with no understanding of dementia or how it affects people.

Thanks

fs

 

[jenniferpa]

I would suggest contacting the PALS department in the hospital - I found them quite good at getting a coordinated approach. The other thing you might do, buzz words meaning more to some of these people, is ask when they propose to do their mdt assessment (multi discipliniary team assessment). Also you could ask the Ward Manger (or whatever they are calling it today) for a copy of the hospital discharge procedures. That will tell you what they are supposed to do.

Have you contacted the AS helpline? - they should be able to put you on the right track.

 

[fredsnail]

Thanks - I'll try those.

Will the AS helpline be open tomorrow or should I wait until Monday?

 

[jenniferpa]

I'm afraid they're Monday to Friday, as are most PALS departments.

 

[fredsnail]

Thank you very much

 

[burfordthecat]

Now what happens?

Hi

I met with dad's SW on Friday in the hospital. She seems to be "OK", an older hippy chick who drives a camper van but does seem to have "a clue". During the meeting dad was totally confused as to what it was all about. I find it hard to believe just how much dad seems to have gone down hill, so quickly. Despite spending almost a week in the same ward, he has no idea of where the toilet is, or even where his bed is. Following the meeting there seems to be 3 options. Dad goes home with more support (don't even want to go there), he goes into a residential home until a suitable sheltered accommodation is available close to us, or he just goes straight into full time care. One thing which dad seems happy to accept is that it would be a good idea to move closer to us and to move into a sheltered accommodation bungalow. As dad is at the moment, I am not sure that he could now live alone.

However, the SW has been proactive and has booked a place for dad in a local care home as an "assessment bed" which will be held for him until next Wednesday. So far, dad's consultant has not completed his assessment of dad. So, we do not know whether dad has mental capacity or not. There are so many unknowns at the moment, I feel as though we are on a roundabout and there are so many directions in which we can go from here.

Dad, meantime is stuck in hospital. They have now decided that dad has no infections so he can go ASAP.

Love Burfordthecat x x

 

[gigi]

OK Burf...

Dad, meantime is stuck in hospital. They have now decided that dad has no infections so he can go ASAP.

But Dad still has "mental health" issues...therefore he cannot go ASAP...

Take time to consider the options...

And enjoy what's left of your "Burfday"...

Love gigi xx

 

[Grannie G]

Dear Burford

If your father is still confused about the location of his bed and the toilet, any future move will confuse him as well.

Because of this it might be best for him if the next move would be a more permanent move to give him at least a chance to settle.

And with this in mind , don`t you think a residential placement near you would be the best solution for both of you.

It`s a big decision but it might just be the right time to make it.

Love xx

 

[burfordthecat]

If your father is still confused about the location of his bed and the toilet, any future move will confuse him as well.

Because of this it might be best for him if the next move would be a more permanent move to give him at least a chance to settle.

And with this in mind , don`t you think a residential placement near you would be the best solution for both of you.

It`s a big decision but it might just be the right time to make it.

Love xx

Sylvia

Yes, I agree. I would feel much happier if dad were to be moved into full time care. The only fly in the ointment would be if dad were deemed to have "mental capacity" and then his wishes would need to be met. As bad as it sounds, I may use the moving to a bungalow close to us to be "carrot and donkey". It may well be that he is not able to live alone, but if he thinks that he could, then it might make it easier to sell to him, spending a time in a care home. Apparently dad had an OT assessment in the hospital, to make a cup of tea. He failed. So how can he now live on his own?

Love Burfordthecat x x

 

[Grannie G]

Don`t jump the gun. He will probably be found to be at risk if he can`t make a cup of tea.
I`m not sure of the criteria to assess mental capacity but making a cup of tea is so basic.
Dhiren can make a cup of tea. Sometimes he doesn`t boil the water but most times he makes a cup of tea properly.

 

[ChrisH]

Hi Burford
I'm in a similar situation to you at the moment with regard to my mum. She's currently in an EMI CH and was assessed on Monday as no longer having mental capacity to decide where she wants to live. She too gets very agitated and is constantly telling me she's going home whenever I speak to her on the phone (which is when someone gets round to answering the wretched thing).

From the sounds of things I think I'd have to agree with Sylvia and suggest a CH nearer to you. I don't think he would be able to deal with sheltered housing and I think you would still be worrying yourself sick when he was on his own, as I was with mum. Although the place mum is in is not 100% suitable for her needs (she doesn't seem to be as bad as some of the clients there), I am just thankful that there is someone there 24/7 - especially as she's taken to getting up and getting dressed at 3 am most days.

Is the "assessment bed" place likey to be where he would stay if he went into full time care? I expect, like me, you're worrying about dad being moved around too much which will just make the confusion worse.

As I've posted elsewhere, mum has a room reserved at the home in my village, but like yours it's only till next Wed. (and we'll have to pay to reserve it). I'm keeping my fingers crossed as she'll be moving to a different county and there's a squabble over funding. If my parents hadn't bought a mobile home 22 years ago we wouldn't have this problem - she'd be classed as self-funding. At least the SW has got her named as the 'priority' case at the panel meeting next Tues (unless there's an emergency case before then).

I'll keep my fingers crossed for you Burford and if all goes according to plan we'll both be able to crack open a bottle of champagne.

Chris

 

[Sandy]

As bad as it sounds, I may use the moving to a bungalow close to us to be "carrot and donkey". It may well be that he is not able to live alone, but if he thinks that he could, then it might make it easier to sell to him, spending a time in a care home.

Hi Burford,

That doesn't sound bad at all. The best option would be for your dad, even with limited capacity, to choose to be closer to you.

I agree with Sylvia that it might be more prudent to plan for your dad to move into a care home rather than sheltered housing.

Also, even though my mother-in-law visited the care home for lunch and an assessment before the move, during the first few weeks of residency we sometimes referred to it as a sheltered housing flat. The fact that the 'flat' didn't have a kitchen didn't seem to present any conceptual problems for her at that time .

Take care,

Sandy

 

[Skye]

Hi Burf

I'd agree with the others, I'd go for the permanent care near you. It doesn't sound as if your dad is capable of living alone (you'd already come to that conclusion, hadn't you?) and sheltered accommodation isn't geared up for people with dementia. Residents are supposed to be capable of independent living. I suspect if he did move there, he's soon need to move again, and that would be another upset.

Even if your dad is judged to have capacity, I's still go down the care home route. I think your idea of 'carrot and stick' is the right one. He is there for convalescence, and until a flat becomes available.

I used the 'convalescence' one with John, and it worked, though sadly it wasn't needed for long, a second infection made any alternative impossible.

Chris, I hope it goes well for you too, and they get the funding sorted in time.

I'll be happy to raise a glass of champagne with you both!

Love,

 

[burfordthecat]

Thank you all again for your advice and support. My "gut" feeling is that dad should go into full time care, but this is not something that dad will agree to. I will just have to hope that he enjoys his two weeks in the assessment bed and things fall into place after that.

I plan to visit the care home on Monday morning and get a feel for the place. It is not yet definite whether dad will go into respite or whether his consultant has other ideas. One thing for sure is that dad needs to be moved out of hospital sooner rather than later.

Assuming that full time care is going to happen, I have another problem. Your advice on this would be helpful. Dad has a lady friend who has been with dad for 20 years. It seems to me that dad would rather have her visit than me. (I don't mean that he doesn't want to see me, but wants to see her more.). Problem being is that if dad moves close to me, the round trip in a taxi for dad's friend will be £40. I understand that if dad does go into a CH he will only be allowed to keep £21.14 a week pocket money. Dad's friend is a pensioner and can't afford to pay the taxi. It looks as though my brother and I will have to pay "top up fees" anyway, so we can't afford to pay an extra £120 a week taxi bill. Because of this, do I move dad closer to his friend and I pick up the traveling to and from?

Love Burfordthecat x x

 

[burfordthecat]

She too gets very agitated and is constantly telling me she's going home whenever I speak to her on the phone (which is when someone gets round to answering the wretched thing).

Oh, don't I know about that. So far I have not been able to speak to anyone on the phone and dad has been in since last Saturday. Makes me so mad.

Is the "assessment bed" place likey to be where he would stay if he went into full time care? I expect, like me, you're worrying about dad being moved around too much which will just make the confusion worse.

I'm not sure if that is where he would stay. I believe that the SW has just booked the bed to buy some time whilst everyone flaps around trying to decided exactly what to do with dad

I'll keep my fingers crossed for you Burford and if all goes according to plan we'll both be able to crack open a bottle of champagne.

That has made me smile. We have bottle of champagne in our garage which was bought to celebrate the New Year in. It was never opened.

Hope all goes well for you next week.

Love Burfordthecat x x

 

[Grannie G]

Hello Burford

I have recently been able to take advantage of a Volunteer Taxi Service which operates in this area. It cost £20 for a commercial quote of £48 for a round trip.
It might be worth asking if something similar operates in your area. I got the information from our GP`s surgery.

 

[Skye]

Hi Burf

In reply to your question, my answer would be to have your dad near to you.

There is no guarantee how long the friend will keep visiting, we all know that friends tend to drop away.

Also, she could become ill herself.

Just my opinion, however. You know the situation best.

Love,

 

[Canadian Joanne]

I agree with Hazel. You should have your dad near you. Perhaps his lady friend could visit only once or twice a week and you could assist with those journeys? Are there no trains or buses which could reduce the costs? You are not obliged to financially assist her, you know. If you choose to do so once a week, that would be very thoughtful of you.

In the long run, you must take care of your father and having him closer to you is the answer.

My "gut" feeling is that dad should go into full time care, but this is not something that dad will agree to. I will just have to hope that he enjoys his two weeks in the assessment bed and things fall into place after that.

Learn to lie to him once he is in the assessment bed - tell him the doctors are still assessing him, waiting to do more tests etc etc. I hope for all your sakes that they determine he cannot live alone & he will go into care. At that point, I would blame it on the doctors. YOu may have 2 or 3 unsettled months but eventually he will settle in.

 

[jenniferpa]

Do check out all transport options. I was completely unaware that the area of Lincolnshire my mother lived in had an essential free (I think it was £1 a trip "booking fee") that could be used by the elderly and the disabled. You could even take a companion for free if you needed assistance. It was a cross between a mini-bus and a taxi so you might have people on it with you, but mostly you wouldn't.

In the whole, I agree with those who say closer to you is better. The big thing is she could become ill tomorrow and then she wouldn't be visiting. As a matter of interest has this friend visited him in hospital?

 

[julieann15]

Hi Burf
You probably know we took mum to visit care home on friday-today we have had the call-"that care home was quite nice, is there a long waiting list? (three). Can you put my name down?(of course mum-Ian did not like to say we had already put her name down and she was one of the three

I think closer to you Burf. In our case mum has not made any close friends since moving to Leics in 2000 so it is not a hard decision to make and she will see far more of me and her grandchildren if she moves to my village than she would if she had the option to move to Sheffield or stay where she is now.

Love Julie xx