Hello,

[SRG]

My brother and I are struggling with ways to support our dad 84, who cares for mum 82 with dementia. I visit once a week, take meals, clean and do washing as i work and live in a different area of the county. My brother visits at least once a day. Dad does all of mums personal care, feeding etc and is alert 24/7 for fear of her falling. He could not do or love her anymore. However he has started to be physically hurt when she gets aggressive and stubborn. We got a carer in to do personal care for a week initially but at the end of the week dad changed it to 3 times a week saying he could cope.He now wants to reduce it again saying mum doesn't like it. We have suggested clubs but dads response is mum wont like it. How do you stand by and watch the carer struggling when they wont change? Any suggestions would be great. Thank you.

 

[Louise7]

Hello @SRG and welcome, although sorry to hear about the difficult situation with your parents, it must be such a worry for you and your brother. It is quite common for a partner to insist that they are coping well with caring when they are in fact struggling, and although your mum may not like someone coming in to help her it does sound as if your dad needs more support. There does come a time when what someone needs has to take priority over what they want, particularly as your dad is getting physically hurt at times when undertaking personal care. He needs to look after his own health too as carer burnout is very common, and easy to slip into without realising it. It may be useful to let your parents GP know what is going on, and also to request a care needs assessment from the local authority adult care team (details of the process below). It's such a difficult situation to deal with so it may be helpful to speak to the Dementia Support Line or Admiral nurses as both offer support to families and will be able to offer a way forward for you. I'm sure that others will be along with other suggestions too as this is a friendly and supportive group and people are happy to offer advice and help when they can.

Dementia Support Line

If you need dementia support, we’re here for you. Get personalised information, support and advice by calling us on 0333 150 3456.

www.alzheimers.org.uk

What is an Admiral Nurse and how can they help?

Dementia UK is a charity that provides Admiral Nurses for families affected by dementia. Call our Dementia Helpline to find out how we can support you.

www.dementiauk.org

The care needs assessment: support for people with dementia

This page looks at how a person with dementia can get a care assessment, who does an assessment, how they are carried out, who makes the decision, and tips for making the most of the care needs assessment. It also explains the eligibility criteria.

www.alzheimers.org.uk