Hello :) How to introduce a part-time carer to my Dad

Mamfa007

New member
Jun 18, 2024
4
0
Hello. I am new here but your forums really help me and my mum..thank you

My Mum and Dad live with us and my Dad has worsening Alzheimers (he is 81 but had it for about 3 years)

My Mum is okay but worn out by looking after him and he is often really horrible to be around and in dark moods (she is 82) so I have suggested we start get some part-time help at home as respite in the day, if only for a few hours to start with

Does anyone have any advice how to:
1. Find a good carer (West Cornwall)
2. Introduce a carer into Dad's life? He of course isn't aware that he needs help so I can't imagine he will initially be very happy about the idea..

We believe we need to self fund this so that's of course very difficult too.

thank you in advance and wishing everyone love and best wishes x
 

northumbrian_k

Volunteer Host
Mar 2, 2017
4,796
0
Newcastle
Hi @Mamfa007 and welcome to the Forum. I am sorry tohear about your situation. Getting some professional help to relieve the stress of caring seems like a good idea. I didn't consult my wife directly. I introduced her carer/befriender as someone to help 'with the dog' when I was out. She accepted this grudgingly but, over time, began to get used to and enjoy the visits. In your case, any help could be described as being for your Mum (which indirectly it would be) if your Dad thinks that he doesn't need help.
 

LewyDementiaCarer

Registered User
Mar 5, 2024
87
0
With an independent-spirited PWD it can be difficult to introduce them as a 'carer', but we found at the beginning it was helpful to just say they are there to help out a bit around the house, or call them an 'assistant' that will be there to make a little food, help out with laundry or changing bedsheets, this kind of thing. I think once they get used to that person being around and doing little tasks to make their life easier they tend to become more at ease with the idea.
 

SeaSwallow

Volunteer Moderator
Oct 28, 2019
7,025
0
Hello @Mamfa007 and welcome from me also. We are not able to recommend particular companies but you might find the attached link useful to track down care companies in your area. Your local AgeUK might also be able to help you.

 

Jaded'n'faded

Registered User
Jan 23, 2019
5,406
0
High Peak
I'd suggest you tell him that the person employed is there to help your mum - I really wouldn't mention him at all. If you employ someone to do a bit of cleaning in the house (which would be helpful for your mum anyway - changing beds and similar stuff) and let him get used to it, the person could also keep an eye on your dad while your mum goes out by herself for a few hours to get a break.

Might work...!
 

Mamfa007

New member
Jun 18, 2024
4
0
I'd suggest you tell him that the person employed is there to help your mum - I really wouldn't mention him at all. If you employ someone to do a bit of cleaning in the house (which would be helpful for your mum anyway - changing beds and similar stuff) and let him get used to it, the person could also keep an eye on your dad while your mum goes out by herself for a few hours to get a break.

Might work...!
thank you for your insight, that sound a good plan :)
 

333pjb

Registered User
Jun 17, 2024
22
0
Hi,

Localised forum queries can gain advice from those in the Cornwall area, but of course it will be dependant on the personalities of the individual.
You could use the approach "do you think Dad, we could get some help for mum?"
This could then lead to a conversation about "if we were to, do you think : male or female, older or younger would be better?" and, "what do you think they could help with?"
Get this far and you are on your way...

At least your Dad wouldn't feel he is the focus of attention (and feel he is becoming a burden which is getting too much for your mum) - a horrible thing to accept when he can do nothing about it. He still will think of himself as the "provider" and it's difficult to accept things have changed.

In terms of meeting someone and introducing them, may be outside of the house or in the garden and almost "by chance" - possibly someone who is delivering some information on support who "gets chatting".
This doesn't give the stark reminder of our diminishing abilities as we get old. I know it sounds like a daft "role-play" but many in social care adopt this type of approach to reduce resistance barriers with people who were previously very independently minded.
Have a look at the iPlayer series 1:5 Bradford on duty. The men and women of their social care departments in such a deprived area work wonders and deserve medals. maybe even watch with mum and dad so that it could be an excuse to start the conversation.

Often staff in caring circles will know of someone who has / will be shortly available due to clients approaching end-of-life. This 'grape-vine' is often better than agencies which may send a 19 year old with little life experience and just knows the steps from the training, but not know how to get to know the individual, complete with all their faults. (Before any comments, I know there ARE some very good, committed social carers who are young).

Good luck.
 

Mamfa007

New member
Jun 18, 2024
4
0
Hi,

Localised forum queries can gain advice from those in the Cornwall area, but of course it will be dependant on the personalities of the individual.
You could use the approach "do you think Dad, we could get some help for mum?"
This could then lead to a conversation about "if we were to, do you think : male or female, older or younger would be better?" and, "what do you think they could help with?"
Get this far and you are on your way...

At least your Dad wouldn't feel he is the focus of attention (and feel he is becoming a burden which is getting too much for your mum) - a horrible thing to accept when he can do nothing about it. He still will think of himself as the "provider" and it's difficult to accept things have changed.

In terms of meeting someone and introducing them, may be outside of the house or in the garden and almost "by chance" - possibly someone who is delivering some information on support who "gets chatting".
This doesn't give the stark reminder of our diminishing abilities as we get old. I know it sounds like a daft "role-play" but many in social care adopt this type of approach to reduce resistance barriers with people who were previously very independently minded.
Have a look at the iPlayer series 1:5 Bradford on duty. The men and women of their social care departments in such a deprived area work wonders and deserve medals. maybe even watch with mum and dad so that it could be an excuse to start the conversation.

Often staff in caring circles will know of someone who has / will be shortly available due to clients approaching end-of-life. This 'grape-vine' is often better than agencies which may send a 19 year old with little life experience and just knows the steps from the training, but not know how to get to know the individual, complete with all their faults. (Before any comments, I know there ARE some very good, committed social carers who are young).

Good luck.
thank you so much. We have a carer's assessment visit tomorrow but we are planning to "sell it" that's it's help for Mum and see how it goes..keeping everything crossed