Hello, new member seeking advice

[Itsalearningcurve]

Hello, firstly thank you for being here. It’s great to have found this forum.

We are waiting for a diagnosis but my father is increasingly showing symptoms of dementia. He is aware that something is wrong but he is clearly unaware of some of his behaviour. There are a couple of things we are struggling with and would appreciate some advice.

1) My dad is sending friends and relatives a significant number of messages. I imagine most people are ignoring them but I do know that for some it’s distressing due to their own personal circumstances. I’ve tried suggesting it isn’t appropriate but he was outraged saying he is trying to cheer them up. Do we just suggest to people they ignore these messages or do you have any suggestions on how to approach this conversation with Dad?

2) When Dad gets frustrated he shouts at my mother. Really shouts. Any advice on how she handles this?

3) Any advice on how to approach impulsive shopping habits? He can’t see that his spending is out of character and in starting to become excessive.

Suggestions for any or all of these would be greatly appreciated. Thanks

 

[northumbrian_k]

Hi @Itsalearningcurve and welcome to Dementia Support Forum our friendly and helpful community of people who have experience of many aspects of dementia. I am sorry to hear about your dad and how this is affecting your mother, you and his wider circle of friends and relatives. I haven't had direct experience of what you describe but am sure that some of our members will have had to deal with similar issues. There aren't any easy solutions I am afraid. Some people have found that trying to adopt Compassionate Communication helps, although it can be hard to live up to. See this link:

Compassionate Communication with the Memory Impaired

The following piece was posted a while ago on DSF and made a big impression on me. It is something I have referred to time after time and tried hard to follow. We have many new members who may not have seen it before. Yesterday I posted it on another Thread but thought it might be helpful if...

forum.alzheimers.org.uk

 

[Itsalearningcurve]

Thank you for sharing this. It’s a really useful read and I’m sure I will come back to it often.

 

[Sarasa]

A warm welcome to Dementia Support Forum @Itsalearningcurve.

Do you have Lasting Power of Attorney for your parents? If not try to get this organised now. Your dad won't feel singled out if you do one for your mum, and maybe you at the same time. With power of attorney you'll be able to manage your dad's money and hopefully put a a bit of a limit on his spending. In the meantime scratching the numbers off the back of his card might help limit some of his spending.

 

[Itsalearningcurve]

Thank you. We will definitely explore the Lasting Power of Attorney route.

 

[Kevinl]

Might just be he's lonely, if he's living alone albeit with your mum, alone but together.
If she's OK with that then it becomes a bit more difficult unless she is on his side too.
I'm also a bit sceptical about getting a PoA for him, then he backs out when you get aPoA and he revoked before it is activated as he still has capacity he can do that the next day.
Holding a lasting power of attorney isn't a walk in the park or a free pass to take over and while mum is still in the equation and possibly open to manipulatioin.
It's a hard one to call, if he can get mum on his side you lose and if you want to use his (alleged) financial abuse as proof of lack of him having capacity then what next. He kicks her out or he leaves her home alone would that be a possible.
It's a hard one to call, I'll sleep on it, see what people think in the morning. K

 

[maisiecat]

Hi @Itsalearningcurve , my husband became very verbally aggressive and very "bad tempered" looking back now I can see we had been i crisis for a long time. I think this all starts because their ability to understand society's rules disappears.
An admiral nurse told me my husband and I were on opposite sides of a bridge. He no longer understood my world so I had to cross the bridge and understand his.
Your Dad obviously is feeling a bit lonely(messages) so perhaps your Mum can organise some social stuff. Is there a day centre he could go to. There may be a dementia cafe locally, we all shy away from their diagnosis but truly it becomes to be more comfortable mixing with others with dementia.
To put a check on his spending your Mum would need a POA as I think you can put a card limit on. When my husband went into a Nursing Home I found 12 mobile phones and we have £2000 of musical instruments he can't play. Irrational spending is a sympton especially outside their normal habit.
You are doing the right thing looking at it now. My biggest mistake was being behind the curve. Also tell your Mum not to argue with him its entirly pointless.

 

[Itsalearningcurve]

Might just be he's lonely, if he's living alone albeit with your mum, alone but together.
If she's OK with that then it becomes a bit more difficult unless she is on his side too.
I'm also a bit sceptical about getting a PoA for him, then he backs out when you get aPoA and he revoked before it is activated as he still has capacity he can do that the next day.
Holding a lasting power of attorney isn't a walk in the park or a free pass to take over and while mum is still in the equation and possibly open to manipulatioin.
It's a hard one to call, if he can get mum on his side you lose and if you want to use his (alleged) financial abuse as proof of lack of him having capacity then what next. He kicks her out or he leaves her home alone would that be a possible.
It's a hard one to call, I'll sleep on it, see what people think in the morning. K

Thank you, certainly food for thought