Hello there!

[LittlePip123]

This is the first time posting to a forum like this for me, I care for my Father who (after much pushing) has been recently diagnosed with moderate mixed dementia. He has a mix of Alzheimer's and Vascular dementia.

I am a middle-aged woman with a full time job, and I am finding it increasingly difficult to balance my own life with the demands of being my Father's carer. I have done all the practical things to help my Father (and myself) like filling in the attendance allowance form, and very recently have got carers going in once a day until a proper care plan can be sorted out.

I have been feeling a right mix of emotions, from fear and sadness to anger and frustration. I feel quite alone. I do have a brother, but he is currently living abroad and as such I have been left with the majority of the donkey work, whilst he is satisfied by calling people up and asking the right questions. I feel that I have become detached from my own beautiful family, I have my Husband and my two daughters (21 and 17) who I obviously love very much. I have shouldered the responsibility of my Father very much upon myself, as I feel that he is just that, my responsibility. Of course there is a lot more to the story (bad childhood, childhood traumas, alcoholism within the family etc), but I'm here, now, with what I can only describe as a huge weight on my shoulders, just wanting to do the right thing.

Thank you for reading, and if by any chance anyone has tips of finding a balance between family life and being a carer, that would be grand!

 

[Grannie G]

Welcome to the forum @LittlePip123

I cared for my mother when I was working full time and my sister wasn`t prepared to help so I do understand to some extent what you are dealing with.

When I was caring for my mother I did my duty by finding the right support and making sure she was safe, had food in her cupboards and attended appointments.

I got as much outside help as possible by telling the authorities I was only able to provide the basics.

You will need to be firm about this and if your Father is at risk in any way don`t hold back from the truth.

These links may help you further.

Dementia support services

Alzheimer's Society provides help and hope to anyone affected by dementia. Call our support line, join our online community, find support in your local area or get dementia information.

www.alzheimers.org.uk

 

[LittlePip123]

Thank you for your response @Grannie G, We are in the process of gaining as much outside support as possible. I will be having a 2-week review with the carers shortly to discuss how my Father is doing, and I shall be as direct and forthright with them as I can be. We have been told that (by the nurse who assessed him) in an ideal world my Father, who currently, is denying he needs any help at all, would have support 3 times a day, 7 days a week, so that is what I shall be fighting for. It's not been easy, I live an hour away from him on a good day, so arranging everything around my work has been challenging!

I shall have a further look into the link you gave, and thank you again for getting in touch!

 

[Lawson58]

This is the first time posting to a forum like this for me, I care for my Father who (after much pushing) has been recently diagnosed with moderate mixed dementia. He has a mix of Alzheimer's and Vascular dementia.

I am a middle-aged woman with a full time job, and I am finding it increasingly difficult to balance my own life with the demands of being my Father's carer. I have done all the practical things to help my Father (and myself) like filling in the attendance allowance form, and very recently have got carers going in once a day until a proper care plan can be sorted out.

I have been feeling a right mix of emotions, from fear and sadness to anger and frustration. I feel quite alone. I do have a brother, but he is currently living abroad and as such I have been left with the majority of the donkey work, whilst he is satisfied by calling people up and asking the right questions. I feel that I have become detached from my own beautiful family, I have my Husband and my two daughters (21 and 17) who I obviously love very much. I have shouldered the responsibility of my Father very much upon myself, as I feel that he is just that, my responsibility. Of course there is a lot more to the story (bad childhood, childhood traumas, alcoholism within the family etc), but I'm here, now, with what I can only describe as a huge weight on my shoulders, just wanting to do the right thing.

Thank you for reading, and if by any chance anyone has tips of finding a balance between family life and being a carer, that would be grand!

Caring is not for everyone and I would be the first to put my hand up to that one. Somehow, becoming a carer sneaks up on us and before you know it, we are trying to cram everything into the only hours of the day.

My guess is that you along with very many people oh this forum have an overdeveloped sense of responsibility that doesn’t allow us to step away from anything that we think we should be doing. I will put my hand up for that one too.

Your dad has only been diagnosed recently so you are still trying to find your feet, that gets pretty hard to do when you have a job and a family.

The brutal truth is that you may have to make some hard decision along this rocky path as this disease never get better, only worse and it can last for years.

You are much not alone as you have your precious family who I believe should take priority over caring for father as much as you are.

I wonder if you can rearrange what you are doing and keep it a bare minimum leaving you family time to enjoy. Your brother could handle most of the bills online for example.

While you might feel that you have to make sacrifices to care for dad, your daughters shouldn’t have to sacrifice family time with you.


Put your family first and that includes you. It doesn’t sound as if childhood had a lot of joy for you. Just remember that for your girls, that mum was fun to be with and not bowed down by a caring role.