Hello Everyone - Issues with Trying to Care for my Dad

[Pickles53]

Oh god, that's something else I'll need to look into. Dad gets a full pension, but mum doesn't. Apparently to get a full pension you had to work and be making the payments for 10 years and she only did so for 9. That's what she tells me anyway. I'll have to look into that next. If dad goes into a CH, or when he actually passes away I need to find out how mum will be financially.

LS

It does seem never-ending, doesn't it? The 'to-do' list just gets longer. There are quite a few threads on this forum specifically about paying for care, it might be worth a search. There are also a number of useful fact sheets on the main AS website.

The very general starting point is that anything in your dad's name would be assessed as his capital/income, and anything in joint names (eg savings account) would be counted as 50% belonging to each of them. If dad actually put more into the bank account than mum, this might actually benefit her. There are also benefits which she might be entitled to in her own right if her income decreases. Citizen's Advice or Age UK can help you here.

Try this for starters:

http://www.alzheimers.org.uk/site/scripts/documents_info.php?documentID=2710

http://www.ageuk.org.uk/money-matters/claiming-benefits/

 

[Pickles53]

Well there's no surprise but council said my dad will need to self fund care. Apparently will be 11.28 per hour for a carer.

The forms for attendance allowance are being sent out today and apparently will take up to 13 weeks for a decision but be backdated to today. I asked whether it could be backdated to last year when my dad was diagnosed with alzheimers and was told no.

My mum will then also be able to get carers allowance if my dad gets attendance allowance and that can be backdated three months apparently.
.

A bit ahead of the game here but once you have AA you can apply for the SMI reduction in council tax, and you may get that backdated to the date of diagnosis or earlier. I got mum's backdated to the date she was referred to the memory clinic, even though she had to wait 5 more months for a formal appointment with the consultant which gave a confirmed diagnosis.

 

[Long-Suffering]

Thanks, Pickles. That helps a lot. My list is getting longer and longer! But at least being in the position to know what is going on and what we are entitled to helps me feel like I have at least some control over an otherwise chaotic situation.

LS

 

[Emmy_83]

Are you sure my mum and your mum aren't twins separated at birth? LOL

Yes, I need to look into all the allowances too. This forum is so useful. I've been able to get more info from here in 2 weeks than I've got in 2 years from my email back-and-forth with community carers, etc. Well, I know they are very busy. That's the way it is.

Yes, we are the parents now. I don't mind in my dad's case, but I do resent it in my mum's case. She virtually abandoned me from the time I started school. Couldn't cope with having a kid, wasn't cut out to be a mother at all. It was my grandma who really brought me up. My mum stayed in her room all day every day from when I was 5 till when I left home. She was exactly the same with me as she is with dad now: doesn't want the inconvenience of looking after anyone. She resents it. When people say to me, "Oh your mum looked after you when you were little, now it's your turn to look after her", I have to bite my lip. If only they knew!

LS

Haha I know! They do sound very alike.


This forum It is a brilliant idea. As you say so useful and helpful to know we're all having the same issues and problems and confusions with things.

I'm so sorry to hear how your mum was with you and can understand why you're so aggrieved now! I gotta say my mum and dad were good to me when I was young and growing up but my mum's lack of independence has always irked me as I knew we would reach this point. She always says to me I have a life and a job and friends as if I've just come across them rather than because I've worked hard. She also believes I can just be there and take time off work at the drop of a hat!

But then in my mum's day when she met my dad things were different altogether. Little wife in the kitchen, dad the breadwinner. Sadly they haven't changed with the times.

 

[Emmy_83]

Thanks Pickles. Yes the council worker said I just need to get the doctor to sign it. Don't think she mentioned backdating for council tax but it would certainly be good. All money into the carers pot for dad!

LS I feel the same way. Each time I tick something off I feel like there's a little more control of things...

 

[Emmy_83]

Thanks Pickles. Yes the council worker said I just need to get the doctor to sign it. Don't think she mentioned backdating for council tax but it would certainly be good. All money into the carers pot for dad!

LS I feel the same way. Each time I tick something off I feel like there's a little more control of things...

 

[Long-Suffering]

Haha I know! They do sound very alike.


This forum It is a brilliant idea. As you say so useful and helpful to know we're all having the same issues and problems and confusions with things.

I'm so sorry to hear how your mum was with you and can understand why you're so aggrieved now! I gotta say my mum and dad were good to me when I was young and growing up but my mum's lack of independence has always irked me as I knew we would reach this point. She always says to me I have a life and a job and friends as if I've just come across them rather than because I've worked hard. She also believes I can just be there and take time off work at the drop of a hat!

But then in my mum's day when she met my dad things were different altogether. Little wife in the kitchen, dad the breadwinner. Sadly they haven't changed with the times.

My mum has always seen other people as objects. She expects the people around her to look after her and that has always been their only function. Husband and child, they are both her servants. Some things she said to me recently:

"I should have had more kids, because then they would be doing everything for me now and I wouldn't have to do anything. But then again, I couldn't have stood having any more. Having one was bad enough. I couldn't have stood any more noisy kids in the house."

"If I'd known I'd end up having to look after your father, I never would have married him."

She said both these things in a matter-of-fact way. She wasn't deliberately trying to be nasty. It was more a reflective tone she had, like she was talking to herself more than to me. This made it even worse because they weren't remarks made in the heat of the moment and designed to hurt - it's what she genuinely feels about us.

She's treated my dad like **** his whole life. Nothing he ever did was right. She yelled at him every day and still does. He never, ever answered her back. He was fool enough to put up with that for almost 60 years before he got dementia, which in some ways makes me less sympathetic to him.

She was the same with me. Yelled at me and hit me throughout my childhood, made me a nervous wreck. The difference with me was that once I got to about 14 I started yelling back, then hitting back. She couldn't believe it. In her mind that made me evil. My dad was "good". She attacked him and he didn't retaliate, and that was how I should behave too. I left home at 18 and went through long periods of not seeing her. Once stayed away for 6 years but eventually gave in because I wanted to see dad.

To be fair, it's her mental illness. Whatever it is (schizophrenia or not) she has always been seriously mentally disturbed. Now she is actually better than she used to be! She is too old to have physical energy to launch into the kind of viciousness she used to be capable of.

Anyway, you can't choose your parents. You just have to make the best of whatever comes out of the bag.

LS

 

[Pickles53]

Thanks Pickles. Yes the council worker said I just need to get the doctor to sign it. Don't think she mentioned backdating for council tax but it would certainly be good. All money into the carers pot for dad!

LS I feel the same way. Each time I tick something off I feel like there's a little more control of things...

I actually found about the council tax thing originally from someone else on the forum so glad to pass it on. I thought I was being a bit cheeky when I asked for the backdating, but it worked. My theory is, if you don't ask you don't get.

I found it quite hard to give mum the emotional support she needed, as we were not a very demonstrative family, and didn't talk much about feelings, but I know she always wanted the best for all of us and our needs always came before hers. I was much better at sorting out the practical stuff; getting things organised for mum did give me a sense of satisfaction and a feeling that at least some parts of the situation were under control.

 

[Emmy_83]

LS I get the same feeling from mum too a lot of the time. Where as I know I have to do things to make things happen she just expects things to happen by themselves.

It's not the way to look at things at all is it? I'm proud of my independence and can't stand that kind of attitude.

It is always 'well what about me' 'what will I do' Not 'what can I do to make the situation better'. She expects my dad's money to look after them both forever.

I'm really sad to read about your childhood. I hope you've been able to make up for it in your adult life despite all this current stress.

As you say you can't choose your parents but we can choose friends and partners to help us have some happy times.

X

 

[Beate]

I had it backdated to date of diagnosis which was over three years earlier. The council had to reissue a lot of council tax invoices, LOL.

 

[Emmy_83]

I had it backdated to date of diagnosis which was over three years earlier. The council had to reissue a lot of council tax invoices, LOL.

Beate that's fantastic how did you manage that? Who did you talk to? My dad was diagnosed two years ago so would be happy to be able to recoup that.

 

[Beate]

It's on the form the GP had to sign. "Date applicable from" or something. He asked me what he should put so I suggested diagnosis date.

 

[Lavender45]

It's on the form the GP had to sign. "Date applicable from" or something. He asked me what he should put so I suggested diagnosis date.

Hi

For my sins I used to work in this field.


You are right, it is perfectly reasonable for the GP to use the diagnosis date as the effective date on an SMI certificate. The person processing your application in the council is unlikely to try to contradict the date the GP or consultant puts on the form after all they have no medical training and do not know the person in question.


The date SMI discount/exemption is awarded from is dependant on two things. The date from which the "relevant benefit" (usually Attendance Allowance, tho there are others) was awarded from and the effective date the doctor puts on the certificate he/she completes. Discount/Exemption can be awarded from the date both lf these things are in place, eg if the doctor says the person was SMI from 01.01.2015, but Attendance Allowance was not paid until 01.02.2015 discount/exemption can be only be awarded from 01.02.2015.

Discount/exemption can be backdated, though from experience there are councils who will try to only award from the start of the current bill. It is a try on. If they don't backdate write in and object, there's nothing in the legislation to stop them.

Hope this helps?

 

[Emmy_83]

Hi

For my sins I used to work in this field.


You are right, it is perfectly reasonable for the GP to use the diagnosis date as the effective date on an SMI certificate. The person processing your application in the council is unlikely to try to contradict the date the GP or consultant puts on the form after all they have no medical training and do not know the person in question.


The date SMI discount/exemption is awarded from is dependant on two things. The date from which the "relevant benefit" (usually Attendance Allowance, tho there are others) was awarded from and the effective date the doctor puts on the certificate he/she completes. Discount/Exemption can be awarded from the date both lf these things are in place, eg if the doctor says the person was SMI from 01.01.2015, but Attendance Allowance was not paid until 01.02.2015 discount/exemption can be only be awarded from 01.02.2015.

Discount/exemption can be backdated, though from experience there are councils who will try to only award from the start of the current bill. It is a try on. If they don't backdate write in and object, there's nothing in the legislation to stop them.

Hope this helps?

Many thanks Lavender45. I can well imagine the council will try to wriggle out so will get the objection letter drafted too .

 

[Beate]

They didn't make a fuss in our case even though AA started much later. To be honest, I didn't know about this stipulation. I would have accepted it but seems no one ever checked.

 

[Long-Suffering]

LS I get the same feeling from mum too a lot of the time. Where as I know I have to do things to make things happen she just expects things to happen by themselves.

It's not the way to look at things at all is it? I'm proud of my independence and can't stand that kind of attitude.

It is always 'well what about me' 'what will I do' Not 'what can I do to make the situation better'. She expects my dad's money to look after them both forever.

I'm really sad to read about your childhood. I hope you've been able to make up for it in your adult life despite all this current stress.

As you say you can't choose your parents but we can choose friends and partners to help us have some happy times.

X

Hi Emmy,

I think as you mentioned before it's partly down to our mums coming from the generation where the man was the breadwinner and the woman stayed at home and looked after the kids.

I have come to terms with my childhood. It's either that or you let it screw your life up forever. But I live 6,000 miles away from mum, which helps! I try to make the best out of life

LS

 

[Amy in the US]

LS, this is a bit off topic as it's not directly related to the original subject of your thread, but I hope you won't mind (much).

I wanted to say that your posts, here and elsewhere, have been helpful for me, and to thank you for sharing so much of your story.

(This is not to say that ALL the contributors to TP aren't helpful, because they are! Please don't anyone feel slighted!)

I'm another one of those adult daughters of a difficult mother who struggles with the caregiving relative to the lack of a history of a warm, caring mother. Before I came to TP, I had no idea how many of us there are.

I don't always respond to every single post that strikes a chord but several of your recents posts have done just that and I wanted to say thank you.

 

[Long-Suffering]

Update

Okay, now I feel bad because I have just had a 40-minute conversation on Skype with mum and not only was she really nice, she thanked me and gave me lots of the information I've been trying to get out of her for ages. I feel bad for the previous posts saying how bad she's been. But that's how it works. Tomorrow she may well be calling me a b**** or whatever!

Anyway, she had been through her biscuit tin of important mail and gave me the following info. She read it all out to me - she doesn't actually really understand any of it herself, and some bits I am not clear about, because I haven't lived in the UK for over 20 years and I'm not sure how the UK pension system works now:

1) She gets a small state pension. I now know how much and how often.

2) One or both of them (seems to be dad?) gets pension credit.

3) Dad has been getting an attendance allowance since Dec. 2014! Mum didn't know this and so hadn't told me.

Mum's pension details seem simple enough, no problems there.

About the pension credit, from what I understand after looking it up online, this isn't actually a pension, it's a benefit. So I'm guessing that means it doesn't include dad's actual pension payments. Is that right? So am I still missing the figure for dad's actual state pension payment? It also said that "your pension credit is savings credit only, not guaranteed", which I understand to mean that they get it because they saved money for retirement, and they don't get the guaranteed because their combined income per week is more than 230.85 pounds.

About the attendance allowance, again, looking at the websites, I see dad gets the higher of the 2 possible ones, which means he needs "Help or supervision throughout both day and night, or you’re terminally ill". Mum is worried that they will take this away from her because she is the one who provides the help and supervision, not a professional carer - that isn't the case, is it?



Okay, so that's lots of progress I've made today. I'll also post this on the finances forum. What I need to know first is if the pension credit includes dad's actual pension payments or if I still don't have the figure for that and there is an extra letter floating about somewhere that says how much dad's actual pension is.

Onwards and upwards! Hope you are all having a good day. It feels so good to have had a nice, positive, productive conversation with my mother for once! And dad was okay too. Let's not forget him. I played him some Brendan Shine on YouTube and he was humming along. He couldn't remember the words, but his big smile made my day. I had played him some last time I spoke to him and he remembered and this time he asked for some music straight away!

LS

 

[Long-Suffering]

LS, this is a bit off topic as it's not directly related to the original subject of your thread, but I hope you won't mind (much).

I wanted to say that your posts, here and elsewhere, have been helpful for me, and to thank you for sharing so much of your story.

(This is not to say that ALL the contributors to TP aren't helpful, because they are! Please don't anyone feel slighted!)

I'm another one of those adult daughters of a difficult mother who struggles with the caregiving relative to the lack of a history of a warm, caring mother. Before I came to TP, I had no idea how many of us there are.

I don't always respond to every single post that strikes a chord but several of your recents posts have done just that and I wanted to say thank you.

Amy, thanks so much. You know, I have also found TP really helpful for the same reasons. Everyone has been great passing on info and helping with legal matters, but I too had never realised that so many sons/daughters of people with dementia found the most challenging struggle to be the relationship they have with the carer (usually the other parent) rather than all the issues with the dementia patient themselves. It's bad enough having a parent with dementia, but when there is this conflict inside the family it makes everything so much more difficult.

Anyway, I am glad that my posts have been helpful - sometimes I feel like I am just complaining, complaining.

All the best!

LS

 

[Beate]

Don't worry about the Attendance Allowance. It's paid for his needs, whether they are met or not, and it doesn't matter who cares for him. It's also not means-tested. It's great he's getting the higher rate! For finding out how much money they have coming in, couldn't she just simply show you bank statements?
Pension Credit is a benefit that tops up a pension. It's a shame they are not getting the guaranteed PC, that would have automatically exempted them from paying. Here's a good overview straight from the source: https://www.gov.uk/government/uploa.../245523/LPA120_Fees_exemptions_remissions.pdf