Hello Everyone - Issues with Trying to Care for my Dad

[Emmy_83]

Ah yes mum always knows best. She despises social services and won't let them near believing they'll put my dad in a care home. Although I know my dad's wishes are to stay at home.

It is a torture because I voice my opinion and then she ignores the advice but then moans when things remain the same.

She has absolutely made him out to be incapable. Following him around in case he falls, worrying when he has spent more than 5 minutes in the bathroom.

But it's all about her. He has looked after her for their whole time together and she is totally and financially dependent on him. So she worries about money being spent and whether they'll be enough for them both to live on, pay bills which I understand. She's also not very bright so the chances of her finding work would be low.

I don't know what will happen with my mum... Or what will happen when she returns. I intend to ensure some support is left in place for dad and I'm hoping her doctors will recommend the same. I'm sure they will given this episode. I can imagine knowing what a perfectionist she can be similar complaints could be made and we'll also be back to her having to do it all on her own, cope on her own.

I hope things improve a little for you. I'll keep in touch and we can swap stories on here

 

[Demonica66]

Hi LS, so glad you have seen your therapist today. I honestly believe your decision to be the best one. Your Mum will plough her own field. You may love her as a daughter but it does not mean you have to like or tolerate her actions. Please use this site to post and offload. It has helped me enormously. The people on here all want to listen and help: me included. Xx


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[Long-Suffering]

Ah yes mum always knows best. She despises social services and won't let them near believing they'll put my dad in a care home. Although I know my dad's wishes are to stay at home.

It is a torture because I voice my opinion and then she ignores the advice but then moans when things remain the same.

She has absolutely made him out to be incapable. Following him around in case he falls, worrying when he has spent more than 5 minutes in the bathroom.

But it's all about her. He has looked after her for their whole time together and she is totally and financially dependent on him. So she worries about money being spent and whether they'll be enough for them both to live on, pay bills which I understand. She's also not very bright so the chances of her finding work would be low.

I don't know what will happen with my mum... Or what will happen when she returns. I intend to ensure some support is left in place for dad and I'm hoping her doctors will recommend the same. I'm sure they will given this episode. I can imagine knowing what a perfectionist she can be similar complaints could be made and we'll also be back to her having to do it all on her own, cope on her own.

I hope things improve a little for you. I'll keep in touch and we can swap stories on here

Hi Emmy,

I think our mums are cut from the same cloth. As you say, it's all about them. I'm sure your mum's episode will have significant bearing on how your parents' case is seen by the social services, and I'd be very surprised if they didn't at least try to implement some care plan once your mum gets home. But as I've seen in my case, it's up to her how she will deal with the suggestion.

Yesterday mum said "If you DO happen to mail the care manager, could you tell her...", so wow, maybe she is starting to see sense and reconsider re-establishing contact.

Best of luck!

LS

 

[Long-Suffering]

Hi LS, so glad you have seen your therapist today. I honestly believe your decision to be the best one. Your Mum will plough her own field. You may love her as a daughter but it does not mean you have to like or tolerate her actions. Please use this site to post and offload. It has helped me enormously. The people on here all want to listen and help: me included. Xx


Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point

Thanks, D.

You know, I often say "I love my mum, but I don't like her". It's not just disliking her actions, I dislike her as a person. The nicest thing my friends say about her is "She's never been nice". Most people just call her "evil". My husband calls her "The B****".

I really appreciate the support on here from everyone and hope I can support others in the same way where I can

LS

 

[Long-Suffering]

Yes, so I said I would cut back on Skyping, and so tonight I wasn't going to Skype, but surprise surprise, I got a guilt attack at the last minute and ended up Skyping as usual.

Anyway, I am glad I did, because I took the plunge and talked to mum about trying to get a H&W LPA for dad, expecting her to act out and cause a fuss as usual, but to my amazement she not only listened but asked me to contact the solicitor to see if it was still not too late to do! She even said "we need to do this as quickly as possible, don't we?" I nearly fell out of my chair. I think the main reason she was so obliging was I pitched everything from the point of view of how it would make life easier for her.

I'm not giving her the chance to change her mind - I've already mailed the solicitors! Wish me luck!

LS

PS Dad's latest hobby is walking around the house with his wallet in his hand "just in case I need it". Be prepared, eh dad?

 

[Demonica66]

Great news! You are finally making progress with your Mum. I really do wish you luck!


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[Emmy_83]

Brilliant news! There's perhaps light at the end of the tunnel.

Keep telling myself the same thing every day to get through.

 

[Long-Suffering]

Thanks! I can hardly believe it myself!

I just keep telling myself (and dad) "tomorrow's another day". That's what gets us both through. Him especially. Fingers crossed mum doesn't change her mind, as we have a whole week to get through before the solicitor's visit. That's a long time in mum-land!

LS

 

[Long-Suffering]

Haha, well... just been on Skype to mum and dad.

Dad was okay - the same as usual: bit forgetful, not much to say, but cheerful-ish. He's the one with dementia but he was the most rational one I spoke to today. Mum however...

I've just sat through a 30-minute rant. Totally different to yesterday. Yesterday she was calm, listened, asked me to help by mailing the care manager and the solicitor. Today she ranted at me about all these damn people who are making her life hell. Today her attitude is all these people, doctors, carers, solicitors, etc, they are all hounding her, harassing her, etc. "They won't leave me alone! Why won't they leave me alone! All I want is peace!" Today she can't understand that their aim is to help her and support her; she talks about them like they are attacking her, like it's some kind of mass attack of evil people who want to send her crazy. And the topic of my dad's health didn't even come into it. It is all about her.

Joining this forum has really opened my eyes. My mum has always had psychiatric issues. She has been this way for as long as I can remember, but I am just so used to her behaviour that it seems normal to me. But in the past few days I've read so many other people's situations on here, and honestly when people are talking about their parents with dementia who are aggressive and hostile, I can see today, OMG, that's mum! I feel like the scales have fallen from my eyes. But she's been that way all my life! That's what confuses me. She was like this 40 years ago!

Anyway, I have got her to agree to see the solicitor on the 20th. Hopefully, she'll be calmer tomorrow. I think I got the brunt of her aggression because I was the one who organised the visits from the care manager and the solicitor, even though she asked me to, so I'm the one who's caused them to "attack" her.

Okay, going to have a cup of tea and watch some telly. Who knows how she'll be tomorrow. Poor dad - he's the sanest one in that house today.

LS

 

[Emmy_83]

Haha, well... just been on Skype to mum and dad.

Dad was okay - the same as usual: bit forgetful, not much to say, but cheerful-ish. He's the one with dementia but he was the most rational one I spoke to today. Mum however...

I've just sat through a 30-minute rant. Totally different to yesterday. Yesterday she was calm, listened, asked me to help by mailing the care manager and the solicitor. Today she ranted at me about all these damn people who are making her life hell. Today her attitude is all these people, doctors, carers, solicitors, etc, they are all hounding her, harassing her, etc. "They won't leave me alone! Why won't they leave me alone! All I want is peace!" Today she can't understand that their aim is to help her and support her; she talks about them like they are attacking her, like it's some kind of mass attack of evil people who want to send her crazy. And the topic of my dad's health didn't even come into it. It is all about her.

Joining this forum has really opened my eyes. My mum has always had psychiatric issues. She has been this way for as long as I can remember, but I am just so used to her behaviour that it seems normal to me. But in the past few days I've read so many other people's situations on here, and honestly when people are talking about their parents with dementia who are aggressive and hostile, I can see today, OMG, that's mum! I feel like the scales have fallen from my eyes. But she's been that way all my life! That's what confuses me. She was like this 40 years ago!

Anyway, I have got her to agree to see the solicitor on the 20th. Hopefully, she'll be calmer tomorrow. I think I got the brunt of her aggression because I was the one who organised the visits from the care manager and the solicitor, even though she asked me to, so I'm the one who's caused them to "attack" her.

Okay, going to have a cup of tea and watch some telly. Who knows how she'll be tomorrow. Poor dad - he's the sanest one in that house today.

LS

Ah Long Suffering once again this all strikes a chord with me.

My mother was exactly the same. "Why don't they all leave us (my dad and her) alone". Now she's in hospital after complaining she has to do everything herself and is lonely and tired.

Even today as my dad was getting a falls pendant fitted he said to me I don't know what your mum will say about this when she gets back. I said it would help her as well by allowing her piece of mind when she's out doing shopping.

 

[Jessbow]

Just make sure you get your name on the POA too, otherwise you could end up in a desperate situation, should she decide to deny your father access to money. very controlling.


Could you talk to the solicitor ahead of time, get forms ready to POA for both him and her? you don't have to use it, or indeed even register it yet, but just get it ready, just in case......

Should something happen and you need to access fund for your fathers care, it will be so much simpler. ( you could always wing it that you could then ease her life by sorting out bill payment etc)

 

[Long-Suffering]

Ah Long Suffering once again this all strikes a chord with me.

My mother was exactly the same. "Why don't they all leave us (my dad and her) alone". Now she's in hospital after complaining she has to do everything herself and is lonely and tired.

Even today as my dad was getting a falls pendant fitted he said to me I don't know what your mum will say about this when she gets back. I said it would help her as well by allowing her piece of mind when she's out doing shopping.

That's it. "I don't know what your mum will say". All me and dad ever focused on was what mum would think, what mum would do, what mum would say. It's always been about her. There has never been any time or focus allowed on our lives. She doesn't see us as human beings but as extensions of her personality, as her property almost. I think she is also jealous of the attention dad gets because of his illness. Until ten years ago it was always her that was the sick one. Now the situation has done an about turn and it's like she resents it. Maybe that's another reason she kicks up so much of a fuss about everything - it makes the doctors and everyone else focus on her rather on dad and his illness.

LS

 

[Long-Suffering]

Just make sure you get your name on the POA too, otherwise you could end up in a desperate situation, should she decide to deny your father access to money. very controlling.


Could you talk to the solicitor ahead of time, get forms ready to POA for both him and her? you don't have to use it, or indeed even register it yet, but just get it ready, just in case......

Should something happen and you need to access fund for your fathers care, it will be so much simpler. ( you could always wing it that you could then ease her life by sorting out bill payment etc)

Hi Jessbow,

No worries about that. Mum and I already have joint property and financial LPA for dad. I got that 2 years ago (god, what an ordeal that was! I also had to sort out their wills and track down bank accounts they hadn't used for over 20 years and I knew nothing about. They had thousands of quid just floating about forgotten. Thank god I got that all sorted 2 years ago before dad got so bad. It'd be impossible now)

I've already emailed the solicitor about the H&W LPA. I'm arranging it. Mum is absolutely clueless about anything like this, so she wouldn't be able to do it herself. In fact, 2 years ago, my dad understood how it worked despite his dementia, but mum didn't. Dad managed to explain it to her.

One thing though, I got the quote today from the solicitor of £575 plus VAT and £220 for the registration fee payable to the Office of the Public Guardian. Bloody hell! I don't remember the P&F being that expensive! Maybe I ought to ask over on the legal thread on the other forum.

LS

 

[Beate]

The registration fee for one LPA is £110. Are you doing two? Don't forget if the donor has less than £12,000 a year coming in, the fee halves, and it's free if on qualifying benefits. We did ours online without any solicitor fees but I guess with you living abroad that might be a logistical nightmare.

 

[Long-Suffering]

The registration fee for one LPA is £110. Are you doing two? We did ours online without any solicitor fees but I guess with you living abroad that might be a logistical nightmare.

Yes, I'm doing 2 (one for mum as well, because she is also not mentally stable). You're right - living abroad it would be a nightmare for me to try to do even if mum was cooperative, but things being as they are, I need the solicitors to go in and make sure she does what she needs to do. Plus we have already used them, she has already met them, and she likes them. That is so rare in any situation, my mum liking an authority figure and so being willing to cooperate, that it's worth its weight in gold itself.

LS

 

[Quilty]

Have you ever heard of borderline personality disorder? Your mum sounds very much like mine. It was a huge help for me when i realised that some of her behaviour was due to mental illness. It also explains about boundaries and ground rules. This helped me cope considerably. Please send me a private message if you find any of this fits and want more information.

 

[Long-Suffering]

Have you ever heard of borderline personality disorder? Your mum sounds very much like mine. It was a huge help for me when i realised that some of her behaviour was due to mental illness. It also explains about boundaries and ground rules. This helped me cope considerably. Please send me a private message if you find any of this fits and want more information.

Hi Quilty,

Thanks for the reply. Just recently, I've had many suggestions for what is wrong with my mum. She's officially diagnosed as a paranoid schizophrenic, but that diagnosis was made 30 years ago. She's not seen a psychiatrist since, but has been on anti-psychotic medication all that time. My cousin who is a psychiatrist says she isn't schizophrenic (he won't say what he thinks IS wrong with her though, which is frustrating, but I can see why he doesn't want to commit himself to making an official diagnosis as she isn't one of his patients). I've heard of BPD. I think my mum might well be bipolar. She most certainly has OCD. May well have depression, anxiety and panic disorder like me. In fact, she seems to have just about every symptom of everything including dementia! I'll have a read-up on BPD and if it sounds like her, I'll PM you. Thanks

LS

 

[Quilty]

Ocd is a symptom of bpd.

 

[Long-Suffering]

Ocd is a symptom of bpd.

Hi Quilty,

OCD seems to be comorbid with a lot of things. I checked one website and it said: "In a series of 100 OCD patients who were evaluated by means of a structured psychiatric interview, the most common concurrent disorders were: major depression (31%), social phobia (11%), eating disorder (8%), simple phobia (7%), panic disorder (6%), and Tourette's syndrome (5%)."

My mum just needs to go and see a psychiatrist again, but she won't. Period.

LS

 

[Long-Suffering]

Update

Well, of course, I'm still on Skype to them every night, even though I know I should cut back for my own mental health. I guess I just can't. The guilt of not seeing my dad when I know it's what he looks forward to most in the day just overwhelms me, plus I genuinely love talking to him, even though it's now just a quick minute of meaningless words mostly. Yesterday he gave me big smiles and even sang (my husband was playing his guitar in another room and dad started singing along some song I couldn't make out. He enjoyed it though. That made my day).

I've been in touch with the community care worker again and she is going to try and go see them next week. I've also asked her to put me directly in touch with the care coordinator at their GP's surgery so I can hopefully find out straight from the horse's mouth what the situation is with dad. I have been pushing for a diagnosis of his type of dementia so that some kind of treatment can begin. It's been 2 years now and still apparently no official diagnosis. Either that or mum is just not telling me because she doesn't want to deal with it. Treatment = inconvenience.

I'm in the process of sorting out a day for the solicitors to go round to get my parents to sign the H&W LPA. Still trying to find out from mum how much their total income is so that I can see if they would qualify for the discount. I had to grit my teeth yesterday, as I so often do. She doesn't know how much her pension is or how much dad's is. When I asked her to look at the bank statement, she said they didn't get any. They do. She just puts the envelop unopened into a biscuit tin. Okay, so you have a bankbook, don't you? Yes, she says. She didn't realise that deposits were recorded in that. Okay, so just look at the bankbook mum. No, she can't do that. It's far too complicated. It will be too stressful. She's having a panic attack now just thinking about it. Dad has always taken care of things like that. Eventually she says let's just not bother about asking for a discount. It's not worth the trouble. They wouldn't give it to us anyway, etc. etc. AGH!

So tonight, she is going to hold the bankbook up to the webcam while we are on Skype and I am going to attempt to read it and work out how much the various deposits are and how much their total income is. That's if she hasn't had another change of mood and is still being cooperative. And remember, this is the parent who is supposed to be the most rational. I honestly would probably have less stress and more of a chance by asking my dad about it. If she can put the book in front of him, he still might be able to work it out. I might even give that a try.

Oh, it's a funny old journey we are all on, isn't it? You have to laugh otherwise you'd go nuts.

LS