Hello Everyone - Issues with Trying to Care for my Dad

Discussion in 'I care for a person with dementia' started by Long-Suffering, Jul 6, 2015.

  1. Long-Suffering

    Long-Suffering Registered User

    Jul 6, 2015
    425
    Hi Beate,

    Thanks for the info. I can calm her about the attendance allowance at least. I'm also pleased he's getting the higher rate - I think the community carer must have sorted that out for them.

    Oh, the bank statements! :eek: I mentioned a bit further back in the thread about the conversation I had with mum about looking at those. I said to her I need to know how much your yearly income is, so can you get your bank statements? What are those? she said. I explained, and she said they didn't get them. Okay. I don't believe that, but whatever. What about a bank book? Oh yes, they had one of those. It had stuff printed in it. Okay, could she read me the stuff printed in it? She tried, but couldn't make any sense of it. Just read me out different deposit amounts and dates but had no clue what they were for. She held it up to the webcam, but I couldn't read it. Just imagine trying to explain the rules of cricket to an alien and that just about sums up any conversation I have ever had with my mum regarding anything legal or financial. ;)

    Thanks for the link - I'll take a look at that :)

    LS
     
  2. Long-Suffering

    Long-Suffering Registered User

    Jul 6, 2015
    425
    Just got an email from the community care worker. Nice lady. She phoned mum today, said she couldn't get a word in edgeways (LOL), but made an appointment to go round and see them tomorrow. It's just to reassure mum that help is there if she needs it. What's more, I just spoke to mum, and she actually likes her! Miracle!

    Things are moving forward at long last!

    LS
     
  3. Beate

    Beate Registered User

    May 21, 2014
    11,775
    Female
    London
    Oh yes, sorry, I remember that now. Do they have Internet banking? She might have by mistake ticked a box once that said no to paper statements. A lot of banks etc try that now. On the face of it it's for the environment, in reality it's to save them costs.

    Anyway, to be honest with you, unless spending another £110 would mean unimaginable hardship for your parents, I'd be inclined to just let it go and pay up. The stress of trying to save that amount and getting copies of the proof cannot be good for you!
     
  4. Long-Suffering

    Long-Suffering Registered User

    Jul 6, 2015
    425
    Hi Beate, no problem - I told you my whole life story, so no wonder you forgot! LOL

    No, no Internet banking. Dad used to be able to use the computer before his dementia. He could send email and look at internet sites (mostly for Britney Spears, amusingly enough!) but he wasn't ever savvy enough to manage something like online banking or shopping. Still, I was very impressed with how well he did considering he started using a computer for the first time well into his 70s. The biggest problem was that he had never ever used a keyboard before or a typewriter, so it took him 45 minutes sometimes to one-finger type in user names and passwords, by which time everything had timed out! Sadly he can't even switch the computer off and on now.

    Mum resisted using the computer for the longest time, saying she was afraid of technology, got panic attacks whenever it was mentioned, and was convinced it would blow up or start a fire. It took us about 6 months to stop her continually pulling out the plugs of the computer and router every night before she went to bed. Part of her illness is an OCD routine that means she has to do a tour of the house checking that all doors and windows are locked, all gas appliances are switched off and all plugs are unplugged except for the fridge (dad had to write DO NOT UNPLUG on the fridge plug to remind her every time). She's had to learn how to switch the computer on and off since dad got dementia so that she can talk to me on Skype, but that's about all she is brave enough to do. So, that's a long-winded rambling way to say, no, she doesn't use online banking! :D

    I'm inclined to agree with you about letting the 55x2 quid go. The solicitor sent me an info sheet about who qualifies for the discount and I took one look at it and thought, "Okay, my brain can't take that in today!"

    LS
     
  5. Long-Suffering

    Long-Suffering Registered User

    Jul 6, 2015
    425
    Hmmm... well, the "nice lady" community care worker didn't turn up for her appointment with mum and dad. Didn't phone to say why not either. This could well jeopardize everything. Once someone ****es mum off, that's it. Typical. It was all going so well too.

    LS
     
  6. Emmy_83

    Emmy_83 Registered User

    Mar 8, 2014
    72
    Yorkshire
    LS sorry to hear that! You should complain - they really shouldn't mess people around with things like this.

    But I am glad to hear you got somewhere with the financial stuff. I just got dad's forms today for attendance allowance so intend to go to town in the hope he can get be higher rate. Also got SMI form to get council tax reduction.

    Mum should be home soon according to the doctors... Just hoping she doesn't undo all the good work and things go back to how they were :-(. She's promised she'll have help from carer though to give her some respite and there's a local counselling service too she's prepared to talk to who have activities. We'll have to see if she follows through with it but it would make such a difference if she had just one friend and something to so each week ie bingo or whatever. Fingers crossed!!
     
  7. Long-Suffering

    Long-Suffering Registered User

    Jul 6, 2015
    425
    Hi Emmy,

    Oh god, mum! :rolleyes: Spoke to the parents on Skype tonight. Turns out the community care worker did turn up eventually - two hours late with no explanation or apology.

    It's always funny the way mum looks at things. Any normal person in her position would have told me immediately, at the start of our conversation, that the CCW had arrived after all, and then they would've gone into detail about what they had talked about regarding my dad's heath, care, etc.

    Mum did neither. I actually knew before I Skyped her today that the CCW had been, because she had mailed me. So just out of curiosity, I waited to see what mum would say unprompted. She didn't even mention her. Eventually I asked her (this was 40 minutes into her monologue) and she said, oh yes, the CCW had been. Then she told me in great detail all about the lady's "funny hairstyle", how big and round her breasts were and how she wasn't dressed how she was expecting her to be. She'd expected a slim woman in a suit with a briefcase. And that was all she talked about - nothing about what they had discussed regarding dad's health or care. When I tried asking her about it, I couldn't get any info out of her at all.

    The CCW's email was more informative and a relief. She said the visit had been pleasant, though she hadn't been able to get much information out of mum, but she was satisfied that mum was looking after him well, though she was obviously very tired. She also said she'd be following up with the GP's surgery to make sure they were n regular contact with them and monitoring their health. Which leaves me to ask again when if ever I am going to get a formal diagnosis for dad's type of dementia. It's been 2 years now and I still don't know officially if he has Alzheimer's, vascular or what.

    Good luck with the AA application - I remember it was a pain in the **** to fill in that form. (But then aren't all forms). I hope you get it first time. Yes, lay it on thick. Tell them he can't do anything without your help and needs 24/7 supervision. They refused our application the first time.

    I've got my fingers crossed for you that your mum is cooperative once she is out. That's the trouble, isn't it? You can never tell when they are going to start acting out or just turn on someone.

    The council tax reduction and a carer's allowance for mum are the next things I'll be looking at after the solicitors get the H&W LPA sorted out next week (hopefully!)

    All the best,

    LS
     
  8. Long-Suffering

    Long-Suffering Registered User

    Jul 6, 2015
    425
    Today mum told me that dad couldn't remember who I was. He could remember my name, but thought I was his niece. Oddly enough, it didn't upset me because when he came on Skype he was really pleased to see me. I think he just remembers that a lady talks to him on Skype every day and he likes her. Oh well. We'll just have to see where this goes.

    LS
     
  9. Demonica66

    Demonica66 Registered User

    Oct 23, 2014
    53
    Hi LS. It's so good to hear that this has not upset you. Your Dad obviously values your company and likes to interact with you. That. I think, is important. It's not just because you are his daughter that he smiles- it's because he likes you. It's not conditional. Sleep well. Dx


    Sent from my iPad using Talking Point
     
  10. Long-Suffering

    Long-Suffering Registered User

    Jul 6, 2015
    425
    Hi D,

    Thanks. I'm pretty much hardened to it all now, but I do have days when I feel like he's already died, and I am already kind of in mourning for the dad he used to be. When I go shopping, for example, I look at the place where he used to park his mobility scooter when we went out shopping together and it makes me tearful because I know we will never do that again. It's terrible really - in one way when people have dementia they are dead already.

    On a more positive note, today he seemed a lot more with it than a few days ago. I am pretty sure he knew who I was. He managed to stay on Skype for almost ten minutes, which is a LONG time for him to be able to concentrate nowadays. Usually his thoughts go back to where mum is after about 2 minutes. Just lately, I have been playing him music on YouTube because he can hear this through his headphones when he is on Skype. Today he managed to listen to two songs and he enjoyed them.

    Mum also seems to be coping a lot better and she SEEMS to be treating him a lot more kindly. I hope that is the case and not just an act she is putting on for my benefit.

    In further news, the solicitor went round for the initial consultation about the H&W LPA yesterday, and I've heard back from them that it all went well. They are drawing up the documents now, will email them to me to check, then I'll send them a signed copy. That'll be another weight off my mind.

    Still waiting to hear back from the Community carer. I just emailed her again. She went and assessed mum and dad last week, said she was satisfied that their situation didn't need any intervention at the moment, and she would get in touch with the GP to make sure they were keeping an eye on mum and dad. I am pushing to get an official diagnosis of dad's type of dementia. I feel like if I don't keep pushing, it'll never get done. Has anyone else experienced this?

    The main worry at the moment is mum is finding it increasingly difficult to get dad to eat. He doesn't seem to know if he likes food or not. One minute he's eating something quite happily and the next minute he's crying and saying the same food tastes terrible. I've never heard that from any other carers.

    LS
     
  11. Long-Suffering

    Long-Suffering Registered User

    Jul 6, 2015
    425
    Not a good day for the parents today.

    Mum didn't feel well when she got up. Then dad was very aggressive, shouting that he'd been up for ages and hadn't even had a f****** cup of water and where was his f****** breakfast. So mum started yelling at him, etc. And it just deteriorated from there for about an hour until he came out of it and started behaving more normally.

    Dad has these bouts periodically, usually either late at night or after he has just got up. He gets very angry, like he is possessed. It is totally unlike him. Afterwards he can't remember them, but nevertheless, mum shouts at him for the remainder of the day as if he is a normal person who has deliberately upset her. She says really nasty stuff, even though by that time he can't remember what he did earlier.

    By the time I got on Skype (about 2pm their time) he was a tearful, nervous wreck and too shaken up to talk to me. Mum was still so angry that she ranted about it for a full 30 minutes.

    I know how hard it is for her and I try to calm her down by reminding her that it's his illness and he can't help it and can't remember, but she always takes it so personally and for the rest of the day tries to get an explanation and apology and an admission of guilt out of him, but of course he is too far gone to be able to reason with. She said to me today that he just needs to try harder to control himself and he's just not trying hard enough. God, it's so draining. When I tried to calm her down, she then had a go at me.

    I honestly think mum has dementia too. Only she has had it for 30 years!

    I hope tomorrow is better!

    LS
     
  12. Long-Suffering

    Long-Suffering Registered User

    Jul 6, 2015
    425
    Mum was calm today. Dad lost it again last night, but she managed to deal with him okay. I think she is understanding more that he can't help it. He managed to eat something and seemed to enjoy it too. Big change from the day before.

    She'd got his measurements, so now I can order some of those trousers for him. Just one pair first to see how they are and if they are okay, I'll order more.

    I'm applying for carer's allowance for her. I'll fill in the form and post it to them. All they have to do is sign. She has no idea what their NI numbers are though. Surprise surprise. I think they might be on the letters they get yearly about their pensions.

    LS
     
  13. Long-Suffering

    Long-Suffering Registered User

    Jul 6, 2015
    425
    Oh for F*** Sake!

    So the solicitor has mailed me the drafts of the H&W LPAs for mum and dad and I've started filling in the application form for the carer's allowance for mum. Mum and dad had agreed to both of them. The solicitor went round last week to see them. It was all arranged. The H&W is done.

    So I go on Skype today and mum suddenly says that she's changed her mind and they don't need them!!! I could have headbutted the screen. She says filling in forms is all too much trouble, even though all she and dad have to do is sign them - it's me and the solicitors who are filling them in. She's convinced herself that they don't need them anyway, and she doesn't need any more money or benefits. It turned out after a long and frustrating conversation that this sudden turn around is just because she can't be arsed to look for her National Insurance number. That's the reason! Oh, she drives me f****** CRAZY! She just wants to bury her head in the sand and pretend nothing is happening and she doesn't need any help and everything's just fine as it is. No wonder I had a f****** nervous breakdown in the spring! There is only so much you can take!

    Sorry for the venting, but I am so tired of this. I swear she is worse than my dad. I think the hospital doctor was right when he said he thought my mum had dementia as well.

    LS
     
  14. CeliaW

    CeliaW Registered User

    Jan 29, 2009
    5,643
    Hampshire
    #94 CeliaW, Jul 27, 2015
    Last edited: Jul 27, 2015
    Text removed as the next post has the correct answer! Apologies.
     
  15. Beate

    Beate Registered User

    May 21, 2014
    11,775
    Female
    London
    #95 Beate, Jul 27, 2015
    Last edited: Jul 27, 2015
    It's not the GP that has it. You are probably thinking of the NHS number. This is how to get hold of it though not sure Mum will want to do this in her current state:
    https://www.gov.uk/lost-national-insurance-number
    I also just checked and the NINO can be found on DWP letters so if your Mum has anything like that, for example about Pension Credit (sorry, can't read back the entire thread to see if she gets anything like that), it should be on there as a reference number. A letter about her state pension would probably do as well.

    As for signing the LPA, could you tell the solicitor to visit them for the signature? Say he's getting paid for his work anyway and it would just be a waste of money not to go ahead now?
     
  16. Pegsdaughter

    Pegsdaughter Registered User

    Oct 7, 2014
    129
    London
    National insurance number is on the bank statement next to the pension payment amount. Tell her it starts with 2 letters and ends with 1 letter with numbers in between


    Sent from my iPad using Talking Point
     
  17. Long-Suffering

    Long-Suffering Registered User

    Jul 6, 2015
    425
    Thanks folks. I was pretty sure it was on the pension credit letter she read to me last week, but she can't even be bothered to look at that. It's all "too much trouble" - today she said she'd read the letter once and it was "too much trouble" to read it again. "Why do I have to do this? Why should all this responsibility be mine?" etc, etc.

    To try to make it easy I even put all her old bank statements into a plastic folder for her the last time I was over, but looking at that is "too much trouble" too. I asked her to do that so that I could find out how much her and dad's pensions were. Before my dad got dementia, he did absolutely everything for her and now she resents the fact that she has to try and do things for herself. It is so so frustrating. I end up having to do 300% because she just cannot be arsed.

    There is a strong attention-seeking element in her acting out though. She's like a child throwing a tantrum to get attention.

    Thanks again
     
  18. Beate

    Beate Registered User

    May 21, 2014
    11,775
    Female
    London
    Oh, well spotted! So it is.
     
  19. Long-Suffering

    Long-Suffering Registered User

    Jul 6, 2015
    425
    Beate, I told her that we already owe the solicitor fees because they've been out to see her, mailed me numerous times and drawn up the documents already. It didn't seem to register. I'll try again tomorrow. Dad is actually more rational than her at the moment, and I would try to talk to him instead, except that I'm sure she'd have a go at him.

    LS
     
  20. Beate

    Beate Registered User

    May 21, 2014
    11,775
    Female
    London
    To be fair, if she does have signs of dementia then all those angry protestations of too much trouble are probably masking her fear of not understanding seemingly easy things anymore. Do you have anyone, anyone at all, maybe the solicitor who could retrieve the info if you tell him where to find it?
     

Share This Page

  1. This site uses cookies to help personalise content, tailor your experience and to keep you logged in if you register.
    By continuing to use this site, you are consenting to our use of cookies.
  1. This site uses cookies to help personalise content, tailor your experience and to keep you logged in if you register.
    By continuing to use this site, you are consenting to our use of cookies.