1. northumbrian_k

    northumbrian_k Registered User

    Mar 2, 2017
    755
    Male
    Newcastle
    A very poignant post @Dutchman and sadly familiar. It really is hard when all empathy and closeness has gone. My wife was not interested when I left her with my sister to go for a scan at hospital one evening. Nor did she show any interest when I came home, except in relation to her own needs whilst I had been out. And I still had to wash the dishes when I got back!
     
  2. Dutchman

    Dutchman Registered User

    May 26, 2017
    262
    Today’s our wedding anniversary of 29 years although my wife has forgotten I’m her husband so no card but I’ve given her a card that just says I love you anyway. I suppose I’ve had 25 years of normal marriage so in one way I can be grateful for that.
     
  3. northumbrian_k

    northumbrian_k Registered User

    Mar 2, 2017
    755
    Male
    Newcastle
    Much more than some manage @Dutchman and that is a lovely touch. It will be our 20th wedding anniversary soon but my wife will not remember that, although she sometimes knows that I'm her husband. We had a 'trial period' before getting married - it lasted 19 years!
     
  4. myss

    myss Registered User

    Jan 14, 2018
    348
  5. Izzy

    Izzy Volunteer Moderator

    Aug 31, 2003
    59,438
    Female
    Dundee
    I hope you’ve had the best anniversary possible. I think your last sentence is very touching.
     
  6. SouWester

    SouWester Registered User

    Dec 11, 2012
    34
    Male
    Devon
    #46 SouWester, Aug 13, 2019
    Last edited: Aug 13, 2019
     
  7. Dutchman

    Dutchman Registered User

    May 26, 2017
    262
    Here’s a new development. My wife is now talking to a picture of her grandchildren as if they’re real people and takes it to the cafe at M and S and feeds it food. I have tried to dissuade her but she gets very agitated so I gave in. But no more as it’s weird for everyone and I don’t think it’s fair that they have to see it. I think there’s some things that cannot be allowed and you have to firm about. Am I right?
     
  8. Duggies-girl

    Duggies-girl Registered User

    Sep 6, 2017
    1,487
    If you are not comfortable with it @Dutchman then yes you are right. I think you have enough to cope with without another annoyance to make you feel even worse.

    I really think that you should consider permanent care. You are coping with too much and it is not doing you any good. Please think about it.
     
  9. Dutchman

    Dutchman Registered User

    May 26, 2017
    262
    What to do with relatives? My daughter has lots of ‘you should or you shouldn’t ‘ and it takes a lot to keep the peace. If only things were as simplistic as she seems to think they are. When only those on our forum and others completely swamped by the concerns of dementia understand that life is constantly moving around at random.

    She’s recently found a new interest in my long lost remaining family members and is pushing me to get reinvolved but I have no chance and wouldn’t want to because I’m completely consumed in my caring role. This she doesn’t appreciate and seems oblivious to what’s involved. But why would she? But a little empathy wouldn’t go amiss. I reckon that i need to firm and dismiss anything that’s not helpful as there’s only so much I can cope with.
     
  10. RosettaT

    RosettaT Registered User

    Sep 9, 2018
    234
    Female
    Mid Lincs
    I feel for you Dutchman. It is good to have some time to yourself and if you can find a little time to pursue a hobby or interest that would be good for you. However unless someone is hands on or spends considerable time with a PWD it is difficult for them to understand how all consuming caring can be.

    I hope you find time for a little peace each day.
     
  11. Roseleigh

    Roseleigh Registered User

    Dec 26, 2016
    159
    Your daughter sounds like she's doing more than most adult children to help out, but even so she doesnt have a clue what its like for you day after day. I too find 'advice' from the ACs trying (daughter number two is particularly inclined to think there is always a solution) , but they just dont understand, and its probably best their young lives are not too darkened by this.
     
  12. Glokta

    Glokta Registered User

    Jul 22, 2019
    41
    I’ve got to say it’s infuriating getting “advice” from people who have NO IDEA what trying to take a PWD out for shopping or lunch or to persuade them to brush their teeth or ... anything is like!
     
  13. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    69,361
    Kent
    I would invite her to show you how.
     
  14. Soroptimist

    Soroptimist Registered User

    Jun 10, 2018
    31
    The thing is if it's her reality then this can be so difficult. I got to the stage of thinking does it really matter? on many of my mum's weird behaviours. A lot of the time I thought no it doesn't really matter, even if it is weird for others. Often complete strangers can be fantastic in their response to strange behaviours, and I loved it when that happened. Of course there are times when it does need rectifying - like going out without trousers. I always tried to diffuse it by having a laugh about it.
     
  15. Soroptimist

    Soroptimist Registered User

    Jun 10, 2018
    31
    I think your daughter may be grieving - I went through the same thing of wanting to find out about all my relatives, when I saw my mum was disappearing fast. It was something about wanting to do it before it's too late, but it already was, as I couldn't ask my mum any more.
    But I'm sorry your daughter seems to be adding to your caring load rather than helping. If she doesn't already, perhaps she could spend some time caring for her mum so she can see what it is like? Very best wishes to you xx
     

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