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Dutchman

Registered User
May 26, 2017
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Devon, Totnes
Today’s our wedding anniversary of 29 years although my wife has forgotten I’m her husband so no card but I’ve given her a card that just says I love you anyway. I suppose I’ve had 25 years of normal marriage so in one way I can be grateful for that.
 

northumbrian_k

Volunteer Host
Mar 2, 2017
4,418
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Newcastle
Much more than some manage @Dutchman and that is a lovely touch. It will be our 20th wedding anniversary soon but my wife will not remember that, although she sometimes knows that I'm her husband. We had a 'trial period' before getting married - it lasted 19 years!
 

Izzy

Volunteer Moderator
Aug 31, 2003
74,005
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72
Dundee
Today’s our wedding anniversary of 29 years although my wife has forgotten I’m her husband so no card but I’ve given her a card that just says I love you anyway. I suppose I’ve had 25 years of normal marriage so in one way I can be grateful for that.

I hope you’ve had the best anniversary possible. I think your last sentence is very touching.
 

SouWester

Registered User
Dec 11, 2012
37
0
Devon
Hello all my fellow posters.

I identify with so much of your story. I have been caring for my wife for many years now but recently things have got so much worse.
She has Alzheimer's with Capgras Syndrome. So she often does not recognise me, she thinks her parents are still alive (they died in 1984 and 2006) and thinks she should be going to school more often. (She thinks she is 7 or 12 rather than 72.)
She is becoming devious and obstinate and has escaped three times thinking she can walk to her childhood home when in fact it is 272 miles away.
We have had rides home in a police car at midnight and recently a helicopter search for her. The police instructed me to change the lock on the front door so she could not get out. I happened to mention this to Social Services who said I could be charged with Denial Of Liberty. I fed this back to the policeman concerned and he went ballistic, saying he had given me a legal instruction and I was to change the lock. My doctor said it was ridiculous too as she would be locked in in a care home.
I had arranged for her to go in a care home today but yesterday they decided she was too physically fit to benefit from their care. So now I have nowhere to send her. Today started with cleaning the bathroom as she had gone there in the night removed the incontinence pants she hates so much and used the loo. Unfortunately she omitted to raise the lid first so I had the floor and seat to clean up first thing.
I am thinking of contacting social services and telling them to prosecute me for changing the lock on the front door. I would rather be in prison than at home right now and they would have to find somewhere for my wife to be cared for.
 
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Dutchman

Registered User
May 26, 2017
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Devon, Totnes
Here’s a new development. My wife is now talking to a picture of her grandchildren as if they’re real people and takes it to the cafe at M and S and feeds it food. I have tried to dissuade her but she gets very agitated so I gave in. But no more as it’s weird for everyone and I don’t think it’s fair that they have to see it. I think there’s some things that cannot be allowed and you have to firm about. Am I right?
 

Duggies-girl

Registered User
Sep 6, 2017
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Here’s a new development. My wife is now talking to a picture of her grandchildren as if they’re real people and takes it to the cafe at M and S and feeds it food. I have tried to dissuade her but she gets very agitated so I gave in. But no more as it’s weird for everyone and I don’t think it’s fair that they have to see it. I think there’s some things that cannot be allowed and you have to firm about. Am I right?

If you are not comfortable with it @Dutchman then yes you are right. I think you have enough to cope with without another annoyance to make you feel even worse.

I really think that you should consider permanent care. You are coping with too much and it is not doing you any good. Please think about it.
 

Dutchman

Registered User
May 26, 2017
2,348
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Devon, Totnes
What to do with relatives? My daughter has lots of ‘you should or you shouldn’t ‘ and it takes a lot to keep the peace. If only things were as simplistic as she seems to think they are. When only those on our forum and others completely swamped by the concerns of dementia understand that life is constantly moving around at random.

She’s recently found a new interest in my long lost remaining family members and is pushing me to get reinvolved but I have no chance and wouldn’t want to because I’m completely consumed in my caring role. This she doesn’t appreciate and seems oblivious to what’s involved. But why would she? But a little empathy wouldn’t go amiss. I reckon that i need to firm and dismiss anything that’s not helpful as there’s only so much I can cope with.
 

RosettaT

Registered User
Sep 9, 2018
866
0
Mid Lincs
I feel for you Dutchman. It is good to have some time to yourself and if you can find a little time to pursue a hobby or interest that would be good for you. However unless someone is hands on or spends considerable time with a PWD it is difficult for them to understand how all consuming caring can be.

I hope you find time for a little peace each day.
 

Roseleigh

Registered User
Dec 26, 2016
347
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What to do with relatives? My daughter has lots of ‘you should or you shouldn’t ‘ and it takes a lot to keep the peace. If only things were as simplistic as she seems to think they are. When only those on our forum and others completely swamped by the concerns of dementia understand that life is constantly moving around at random.

She’s recently found a new interest in my long lost remaining family members and is pushing me to get reinvolved but I have no chance and wouldn’t want to because I’m completely consumed in my caring role. This she doesn’t appreciate and seems oblivious to what’s involved. But why would she? But a little empathy wouldn’t go amiss. I reckon that i need to firm and dismiss anything that’s not helpful as there’s only so much I can cope with.

Your daughter sounds like she's doing more than most adult children to help out, but even so she doesnt have a clue what its like for you day after day. I too find 'advice' from the ACs trying (daughter number two is particularly inclined to think there is always a solution) , but they just dont understand, and its probably best their young lives are not too darkened by this.
 

Glokta

Registered User
Jul 22, 2019
62
0
I’ve got to say it’s infuriating getting “advice” from people who have NO IDEA what trying to take a PWD out for shopping or lunch or to persuade them to brush their teeth or ... anything is like!
 

Soroptimist

Registered User
Jun 10, 2018
72
0
Here’s a new development. My wife is now talking to a picture of her grandchildren as if they’re real people and takes it to the cafe at M and S and feeds it food. I have tried to dissuade her but she gets very agitated so I gave in. But no more as it’s weird for everyone and I don’t think it’s fair that they have to see it. I think there’s some things that cannot be allowed and you have to firm about. Am I right?
The thing is if it's her reality then this can be so difficult. I got to the stage of thinking does it really matter? on many of my mum's weird behaviours. A lot of the time I thought no it doesn't really matter, even if it is weird for others. Often complete strangers can be fantastic in their response to strange behaviours, and I loved it when that happened. Of course there are times when it does need rectifying - like going out without trousers. I always tried to diffuse it by having a laugh about it.
 

Soroptimist

Registered User
Jun 10, 2018
72
0
What to do with relatives? My daughter has lots of ‘you should or you shouldn’t ‘ and it takes a lot to keep the peace. If only things were as simplistic as she seems to think they are. When only those on our forum and others completely swamped by the concerns of dementia understand that life is constantly moving around at random.

She’s recently found a new interest in my long lost remaining family members and is pushing me to get reinvolved but I have no chance and wouldn’t want to because I’m completely consumed in my caring role. This she doesn’t appreciate and seems oblivious to what’s involved. But why would she? But a little empathy wouldn’t go amiss. I reckon that i need to firm and dismiss anything that’s not helpful as there’s only so much I can cope with.

I think your daughter may be grieving - I went through the same thing of wanting to find out about all my relatives, when I saw my mum was disappearing fast. It was something about wanting to do it before it's too late, but it already was, as I couldn't ask my mum any more.
But I'm sorry your daughter seems to be adding to your caring load rather than helping. If she doesn't already, perhaps she could spend some time caring for her mum so she can see what it is like? Very best wishes to you xx
 

Dutchman

Registered User
May 26, 2017
2,348
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76
Devon, Totnes
Hey,

Ah, I'm in tears from your post. When you say you're on your own and how it would be nice to have someone appreciate what you do and have to experience, how that would make a whole world of difference. Because that's the feeling I have at times. Just feel like I'm on my own with my father, he has advanced dementia. He drives me up the wall at times. I'm the only sibling available nearby to help out and pop in, the most. 2 brothers who are in another country, my sisters are here but practically only one of them is hands on, the other is just about.

But the sister who helps the most is busy, she's in twice a week, the other one is once a week, and just about does things. Last week, my father was up and down, interfering with things, sometimes he grips things and pulls, and can damage things. I could have done with a hug myself, much less with additional kisses.

We all know what we are going through, similarly if not identically, and it's like a war. We have to probably have a cry, like I am now, as I type, have a hot cup of beverage, take a little time to assess, and then WHEN feeling better, then just pick up after them. If there's no one to say 'Well done, Dutchman', 'Here, mate, appreciate what you're doing', nearby, then log in and come here and tell us. Because, being on your own, I doubly appreciate where you're coming from.



JF.
hi JF

ive just picked up your post and wondering how you’re doing. many things have happened since last year. if you feel
like replying please do.

pete
 

Dutchman

Registered User
May 26, 2017
2,348
0
76
Devon, Totnes
Much more than some manage @Dutchman and that is a lovely touch. It will be our 20th wedding anniversary soon but my wife will not remember that, although she sometimes knows that I'm her husband. We had a 'trial period' before getting married - it lasted 19 years!
Hi @
Much more than some manage @Dutchman and that is a lovely touch. It will be our 20th wedding anniversary soon but my wife will not remember that, although she sometimes knows that I'm her husband. We had a 'trial period' before getting married - it lasted 19 years!
Hello @northumbrian_k . Been a long time since we spoke and you supported me through many dark moments. Being a bloke with similar problems I’m wondering how you are?
 

wonderfulmum

Registered User
Aug 20, 2015
46
0
Hi

Second visit from our carer today. Main goal is to get my wife to have a shower . I know it takes a little while to get both of them to build trust but I’m still apprehensive on how long it would take get her under that shower. She’s here for two hours each session. My first go at bringing a carer in.

. In anyone’s experience what’s expected from a carer and am I obliged to stay around even if wife likes to sleep a lot. Is a carer ok with just sitting there for secure company or expected to do something for her money?
Hi, I do arrange for a sit in carer for a few hours and if you request the same Person the better. I had books and beads and easy activities like colouring etc which the carer engages mum in whilst with her which benefits both timewise.

The first carer I had just sat there all afternoon, mum said she didn't talk to her at all and it was just silence and she was on her mobile all the time. So make sure you give guidance of what you'd like them to do with her like make her tea, read a book, colour with her, talk about her childhood etc.

Take care, we are all here to support you.
 

Shedrech

Registered User
Dec 15, 2012
12,649
0
UK
this is an old thread and the discussion ran its course
see

this thread is now closed
 
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