Guilt of occasionally losing it with mom - in need of advice

[Tim82]

Hi. I'm new to this site. I'd like to vent and seek advice, too.
I care for my (almost 77) demented mother on weekends. (Mom, who has become totally dependent on others' help, lives with my 79-year-old mentally and physically ok father. Plus, we also have a lady that comes Monday through Saturday from 8 to 3pm, and Sundays only to shower mom.)
I'd like to point out I look after my mom well, except for occasionally losing it when I'm feeding her. For example, yesterday noon, while spooning food into her mouth, she spilled part of it over her body a couple of times. I got frustrated, raising my voice/shouting for 2-3 seconds, and cleaning her hastily. Father, sitting close to us, was surprised with me but said nothing.
I soon after felt guilty over losing my patience.
How do you cope with feelings of guilt as a caregiver? Given that I do all the chores, when there, should I maybe ask my father to always feed mom, since he is more patient than me in this regard? (Feeding mom is like feeding a toddler, and I tend to be a bit particular about cleanliness by nature. Plus, having no kids myself, I lack the parental experience and constant awareness of having to do with "a little child" the task itself requires.)

Thanks.

 

[Bunpoots]

Welcome to the forum @Tim82

I think you’re right to avoid feeding your mum if you find it stressful. I know it’s easy to lose one’s temper with dementia behaviour. I used to take myself off to another room to explode when things got too much for me. I maybe you could have a chat with your father and tell him that you’re happy to help in other ways but don’t think it’s fair on your mum for you to spoon feed her except if absolutely necessary. You could tell him how guilty you feel too - and don’t feel bad - most of us have shouted on occasion. We’re only human!

Would your mum manage finger foods better or is she on soft food now?

 

[Tim82]

Welcome to the forum @Tim82

I think you’re right to avoid feeding your mum if you find it stressful. I know it’s easy to lose one’s temper with dementia behaviour. I used to take myself off to another room to explode when things got too much for me. I maybe you could have a chat with your father and tell him that you’re happy to help in other ways but don’t think it’s fair on your mum for you to spoon feed her except if absolutely necessary. You could tell him how guilty you feel too - and don’t feel bad - most of us have shouted on occasion. We’re only human!

Would your mum manage finger foods better or is she on soft food now?

Thanks for your considerate response. Mum is on soft food exclusively and cannot eat anything by herself, though she often enjoys sticking her fingers into the plate, like an infant .

 

[Jessie5]

Do you think you are doing too much? Every weekend is a big ask, particularly if you are working? I got so angry and resentful of my Mum by the time she went into a care home. I could generally put a lid on it, but then would sometimes snap at her or worse my kids later. It’s was kind of when I knew enough was enough. This may not be the case for you but worth considering.

Please try not to feel guilty. We are all only human and caring for someone with dementia is beyond difficult.

And definitely OK to set boundaries as to what you can do. If you find feeding her difficult it is ok to say you can’t do it. Incontinence was my red line. We’re all different and struggle with different aspects of care.

 

[Jaded'n'faded]

Some dementia behaviours are frustrating, others completely maddening. It's normal to react to such situations, especially if there are aspects (like your cleanliness thing) that push your buttons.

Why not go and prepare the food, bring it to the table then ask your dad to feed her while you go and do something else?

For what it's worth, I had no patience at all with my mother who had driven me mad for years. (We were never close - difficult woman.) I knew I couldn't do any hands-on caring so I moved her to a care home where professionals could look after her properly and visited twice a week to oversee her care.

Looking back, I probably wasn't very patient with my children either! Falling into the guilt trap doesn't help or change anything so I've learned not to beat myself up - not everyone is a natural carer/nurturer and I'm definitely not. Rather than feel (uselessly) guilty, I try and look at the things I can do and concentrate on that. (I'm not a bad person really! I did my best for my mum, just couldn't do it myself.)

 

[Tim82]

Do you think you are doing too much? Every weekend is a big ask, particularly if you are working? I got so angry and resentful of my Mum by the time she went into a care home. I could generally put a lid on it, but then would sometimes snap at her or worse my kids later. It’s was kind of when I knew enough was enough. This may not be the case for you but worth considering.

Please try not to feel guilty. We are all only human and caring for someone with dementia is beyond difficult.

And definitely OK to set boundaries as to what you can do. If you find feeding her difficult it is ok to say you can’t do it. Incontinence was my red line. We’re all different and struggle with different aspects of care.

Thanks for your valuable input. Yes, l often find being there every weekend too much. To be clear, I do it because l choose so, not because my father is asking me to.
On a separate note, I forgot to mention in the original thread that they live in the same building - different floors- with my older married brothers but my siblings do not commit enough. Anyway, this is a different story.

 

[Tim82]

Some dementia behaviours are frustrating, others completely maddening. It's normal to react to such situations, especially if there are aspects (like your cleanliness thing) that push your buttons.

Why not go and prepare the food, bring it to the table then ask your dad to feed her while you go and do something else?

For what it's worth, I had no patience at all with my mother who had driven me mad for years. (We were never close - difficult woman.) I knew I couldn't do any hands-on caring so I moved her to a care home where professionals could look after her properly and visited twice a week to oversee her care.

Looking back, I probably wasn't very patient with my children either! Falling into the guilt trap doesn't help or change anything so I've learned not to beat myself up - not everyone is a natural carer/nurturer and I'm definitely not. Rather than feel (uselessly) guilty, I try and look at the things I can do and concentrate on that. (I'm not a bad person really! I did my best for my mum, just couldn't do it myself.)

Thanks for the thoughtful input. Yes, you're right about me preparing the food for mom, and ask dad to feed her. Well, we have proceeded a couple of times this way - my dad is highly cooperative about it - but l guess it's time for us to do that on a regular basis.

 

[Jessie5]

@Tim82 - I’m glad that you are caring by choice. Just know that it is ok to change your mind too. I also chose to care for my Mum but as time went on it became too much.

I’m sorry your sibling don’t help enough. I think that is a common theme with many on here too.

 

[Chizz]

Hi @Tim82 - well done for all you are doing, especially when you explain your siblings are invisible .
Yes, dealing with these tasks is frustrating, and dementia behaviours can test your limits. Even though you say you have chosen to do what you do, make sure even on the days your caring you get small windows of respite so that you can get your inner peace!
My wife lost the ability to be able to co-ordinate properly, and so can't use cutlery and finger feeding is not really appropriate for hot meals, so I feed her both food and drinks, and it means we can't really eat together as we used to, and thus, meal times take twice as long. Patience, tolerance and understanding is what the 24/7 situation demands, and its not always achievable! but one must go on, when she needs me more than ever. I feel that having been together for more than 56 years, it the least I can do.
Keep on going whilst you feel you can, but don't neglect yourself and your life.

 

[Lawson58]

Just a practical suggestion. You can buy adult bibs, some like an oversized baby bib, some like a scarf, others with pretty patterns on them.

Would it help to reduce the problem of dribbled food going over her clothes? I thought that something like that might make things a little easier, even for your dad too.

 

[Tim82]

@Tim82 - I’m glad that you are caring by choice. Just know that it is ok to change your mind too. I also chose to care for my Mum but as time went on it became too much.

I’m sorry your sibling don’t help enough. I think that is a common theme with many on here too.

Thanks again for the thoughtful comments. Yes, you're right it can become too much.

 

[Tim82]

Hi @Tim82 - well done for all you are doing, especially when you explain your siblings are invisible .
Yes, dealing with these tasks is frustrating, and dementia behaviours can test your limits. Even though you say you have chosen to do what you do, make sure even on the days your caring you get small windows of respite so that you can get your inner peace!
My wife lost the ability to be able to co-ordinate properly, and so can't use cutlery and finger feeding is not really appropriate for hot meals, so I feed her both food and drinks, and it means we can't really eat together as we used to, and thus, meal times take twice as long. Patience, tolerance and understanding is what the 24/7 situation demands, and its not always achievable! but one must go on, when she needs me more than ever. I feel that having been together for more than 56 years, it the least I can do.
Keep on going whilst you feel you can, but don't neglect yourself and your life.

Thanks again. I'm glad to be here and benefit from everyone's experience and precious comments. Yes, you have a point about respite, given that my schedule during the week is really busy.

 

[Tim82]

Just a practical suggestion. You can buy adult bibs, some like an oversized baby bib, some like a scarf, others with pretty patterns on them.

Would it help to reduce the problem of dribbled food going over her clothes? I thought that something like that might make things a little easier, even for your dad too.

You're so right about these bibs - thanks.