Hi, my husband was taken into hospital where he stayed for four weeks then came home for another four weeks when I found I just couldn’t cope any more. We had two carers coming in four times a day and I still couldn’t cope. I’d looked after him for thirty years, he is 76 and I am 74. He is confused and has several co morbidities, muscular dystrophy, Bi-polar, Atrial fibrillation, Parkinson’s, incontinent both ways, Bowel polyps, skin cancer, bladder cancer and now has lost the use of his legs so he’s in a wheelchair. He thinks he can walk so tries to at times and inevitably falls over. I keep thinking I’ll be okay if I have him home again but I know I can’t, but he keeps asking, “ when will I be coming home”, although he doesn’t know where home is. I am almost grieving and full of guilt. Have I done the right thing by moving him to a nursing home?
Guilt and loss feelings
- Thread starter Duxsie
- Start date
Hi @Duxsie and welcome to the forum, in my opinion your husband needs 24/7 care from a team of people, so moving him to a nursing home is putting his needs first and completely the right thing to have done.
Managing any one of his needs alongside a dementia diagnosis would be challenging, but the multiple nature of his needs makes this impossible for one person on their own, tired and exhausted from years of care!
You can visit as often as you wish and stay as long as you like and be his wife again! That’s important as his needs become greater over time.
Remember, you cannot pour from an empty cup, get some space to reconnect with family and friends, this will make you more relaxed and able to cope with the ups and downs of the situation. Be kind to yourself, things will get easier!
Managing any one of his needs alongside a dementia diagnosis would be challenging, but the multiple nature of his needs makes this impossible for one person on their own, tired and exhausted from years of care!
You can visit as often as you wish and stay as long as you like and be his wife again! That’s important as his needs become greater over time.
Remember, you cannot pour from an empty cup, get some space to reconnect with family and friends, this will make you more relaxed and able to cope with the ups and downs of the situation. Be kind to yourself, things will get easier!
Hi Chaplin, thank you so much for your kind words, they have helped me to realise I had to move him to a place of safety and it was me who made the choice. I would never have let him move away if I hadn’t have been at a desperate point so your words makes sense. I am lost at the moment and have to come to terms with it all. I guess some times in situations like mine there is inevitably guilt and sadness. I will try my best to keep myself up.
Hi @Duxsie and welcome. The hardest, bravest and best decision is the one that puts the needs of the individual above what they or their partner wants. What you have done for your husband - making sure that he is safe and cared for 24 hours a day - is the purest expression of your love. That takes courage and should never be a source for guilt.
Hi northumbrian_K
Thank you for your post it has helped me feel a bit better about what I feel as - selling him down the river because I couldn’t cope. I just want this guilt and sadness to go away but it’ll take some time and your positive thoughts will help.
Thank you for your post it has helped me feel a bit better about what I feel as - selling him down the river because I couldn’t cope. I just want this guilt and sadness to go away but it’ll take some time and your positive thoughts will help.
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