Overwhelming feelings of loss and guilt...

[Lovely Lass]

Hi Everyone my mum and my very best friend passed away yesterday & I wasn't there... I'd promised I'd always be with her and look after her and for two years as the vascular dementia slowly took my mum away, I was. When I wasn't at work I was with her, comforting and reassuring her everything will be okay (she never realised, right up to the end that she had dementia and I never told her). We were best friends and it broke my heart to watch my lovely bubbley mum turn into a scared and frightened skeleton calling and crying for her own mum. Confused and terrified, unable to walk and suffering the utter indignity of double incontinence. Throughout this terrible illness I did all I could possibly do to help and protect her and I promised I would be beside her when it was time for her to go 'home with her mum and dad '

Then three days ago she became very ill very quickly with pneumonia. I held her as best I could as she vomited copious amounts of thick vile bright yellow bile... It was awful truly awful and so emotionally draining. So I decided to let the carer and my dad take the reins for one day, and my dad promised me he would phone if the slightest thing changed. Five o'clock on Saturday afternoon my dad phoned sobbing to say that she'd gone, apparently her breathing changed and she took three deep sighs and died...
Now I'm feeling completely broken and oh so very guilty that I wasn't with her as I'd promised. I can't stop crying and thinking about her and about how much I'm going to miss her...

I pray that this deep sadness, pain and sense of loss will lessen with time and that mum forgives me...

Thank you for your time in reading this

Karen

 

[Ellie2018]

I’m so sorry for your loss Karen, and can understand that you feel so bad about not being with your Mum. Sometimes our loved ones seem to choose to go when we aren’t there, I wonder if it’s their way of protecting us. Hopefully in time your won’t feel so bad about it and can think about your good times. Sending you best wishes.

 

[DeeCee7]

Hello @Lovely Lass I am so sorry to read of the loss of your lovely mum. Karen, you have been the best of daughters to your mum, with such loving care and devotion. There is nothing to forgive and your mum loved you without conditions. You needed some respite and nobody was to know she would be taken so quickly. You could have been in the house, and gone to make a drink or use the toilet and it could have happened. Draw comfort from the fact that she was home and with your Dad. Take time now to absorb what has happened. And yes, time will help. But for now just allow yourself to grieve and share comfort with your dad.

 

[Kevinl]

Thank you for posting Karen, missed wife passing due to me being in a coma at the time
Viral encephalitis took me out of the game for a while, grief keeps me on here. K

 

[Hazara8]

Hi Everyone my mum and my very best friend passed away yesterday & I wasn't there... I'd promised I'd always be with her and look after her and for two years as the vascular dementia slowly took my mum away, I was. When I wasn't at work I was with her, comforting and reassuring her everything will be okay (she never realised, right up to the end that she had dementia and I never told her). We were best friends and it broke my heart to watch my lovely bubbley mum turn into a scared and frightened skeleton calling and crying for her own mum. Confused and terrified, unable to walk and suffering the utter indignity of double incontinence. Throughout this terrible illness I did all I could possibly do to help and protect her and I promised I would be beside her when it was time for her to go 'home with her mum and dad '

Then three days ago she became very ill very quickly with pneumonia. I held her as best I could as she vomited copious amounts of thick vile bright yellow bile... It was awful truly awful and so emotionally draining. So I decided to let the carer and my dad take the reins for one day, and my dad promised me he would phone if the slightest thing changed. Five o'clock on Saturday afternoon my dad phoned sobbing to say that she'd gone, apparently her breathing changed and she took three deep sighs and died...
Now I'm feeling completely broken and oh so very guilty that I wasn't with her as I'd promised. I can't stop crying and thinking about her and about how much I'm going to miss her...

I pray that this deep sadness, pain and sense of loss will lessen with time and that mum forgives me...

Thank you for your time in reading this

Karen

Karen, there will be many who will understand your predicament who contribute on here and who have experienced that sense of " guilt " which comes about when you feel you have somehow betrayed a loved one in not being present when their life ended. You should eliminate that word from your vocabulary because it has no relevance to your situation. You have cared lovingly for your mother and with dementia that means profound and loving care. End of life is so often unpredictable especially with dementia and you could not possibly know the outcome with respect to your mother. I know its easy to suggest these things, but it is true. The fact that you have so obviously cared for your mother so meaningfully creates that very powerful bond which dementia creates with a parent, especially a mother. That bond is what tugs at the heart when you feel you have somehow let it down.
Dementia brings about all manner of very real emotions and challenges for the Carer and when the Carer is a daughter or as with myself, a son, when a mother dies the impact and sense of loss can be immense. So , let the tears flow naturally without that sense of guilt which is completely unwarranted. The care you gave to your mother as a loving daughter deserves praise indeed because it is never easy and despite many challenges you provided that care as you did from the heart. Finally, dementia has one ironic "positive". It eliminates memory and the one living with it is often living in the here and now, thus not aware of their surroundings or indeed their loved ones being present at all. There can be an element of comfort in knowing that....

 

[canary]

Hello Karen @Lovely Lass

I missed my mums final moments too, even though, like you I really wanted to be with her till the end. When I was told that she probably only had a few hours left I went and sat with her and stayed there for 3 days - sleeping on the floor. Eventually I had to go and check up on OH and by the time I got home she had gone.

As @DeeCee says, you might have stayed there and she passed away when you went for a drink, or went to the loo. What is important is that you were there during her life, not whether you were there at her final second.
Be kind to yourself
(((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))

 

[MowgliGirl02]

@Lovely Lass I’m so very sorry for your loss. Having recently lost my mother and best friend I understand completely how you feel. I was at my mother’s side during the last few days of her life, yet missed her death by a matter of moments. The guilt I felt was overwhelming and at times it still makes me angry at myself for not being there. But I was told, by many people on here, and my friends and family that it may be that she did it on purpose, so I wouldn’t see it.
Please don’t feel guilty for not being there. Right now you need to look after yourself. You need to eat, sleep, drink plenty and cry. Let it all out.
Always remember you are never alone. ❤️

 

[Alberta23]

So sorry for your loss Karen. Everyone here has said exactly what I would say.
Your heart is always with your Mum. She is never far away. Neither are you far from her.
She had loved ones by her side every step of the way. She was not alone, so take comfort that you all worked hard to be there for her. Noone knows when a person will die. So many people, go to get a coffee after hours of sitting by a persons side, only to come back to find they have passed on.
You did nothing wrong. Think of all the times you were there, all the support you gave your mum. Those are the memories of love, your mum has taken with her. A few hours or a few days away, are teaspoons in time, compared to all the years of love you shared.
Be kind to yourself. Chat to your mum. Put flowers on her grave, look through photos, remember memories. You can still give your mum love. Its just love given in a slightly different way.
Xxxx huge hugs xxx

 

[Tsarina]

I am so sorry about your precious mum, Karen. My husband Tom died last year in hospital from respiratory failure. He lived in a nursing home and I noticed he was sleeping more than usual. I thought it was dementia worsening but it was COPD complications. I should’ve realised that, I was his wife. I felt so guilty and useless, like I’d let him down. So I understand your feelings of guilt, Karen but in reality all we can do is love them. I know that he died at peace and he loved me just as your mum loved you. Be kind to yourself and take care. x

 

[Izzy]

I'm so sorry for your loss @Lovely Lass.

Others have said it all Your mum will always be in your heart.

Sending my condolences and wishing you strength.