Goodbye my love .... John died today

[Rathbone]

Oh Scarlett! I usually try to see the more positive side, but frankly enough is enough. Tell her to get over it; such bitterness will only make her feel worse, not to mention what it's doing to you. You are right - you don't need it. I'm right by your side. X Love Shelagh

 

[ASH74]

Firstly may I send you my sympathies......I have been reading your thread for some time.

Nothing like a family funeral to create stress and upset......I always remember my uncle sulking at my grandmothers funeral as it wasn't at the crematorium he wanted! He turned up late! He had so far to drive!

My Mum was so upset and the undertaker said to her ...."what would your Mum say" ......this helped my Mum....my Nan always knew what a pain my uncle was/is! She would have ignored him being a pain!

My reason for sharing this story is to say what would your husband want you to do.....how would he have handled this!

I hope that things go as well as they can and enjoy some time with your son.





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[Trisha4]

I agree with both Shelagh's and Moonflower's posts. I think your daughter needs to be told straight that the day is not about her. Her contribution should be to support you through one of the most difficult days you gave faced.
The family names will be read in the accepted order. Your husband's name will not be included because you have lost him. It's time she got things into perspective and realised you and John are the priority in this situation.
Her attitude is difficult to deal with on a good day. You do not expect to have to deal with it at something as important and special to you as this.

That's my opinion of what is needed (without actually knowing the people concerned) but I don't know if I could do it in the circumstances.
Best wishes x


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[Soobee]

Simply leave it as it is and say afterwards "I'm sorry love but I had other things on my mind"

 

[jugglingmum]

Oh Scarlett, I've been following your thread, and you are having such a tough time.

He was your husband, you cared for him and did your very best for him. I know he was also your daughter's Dad, and she is grieving, but she had moved on in her life to her husband and children, whereas until the illness took hold you were still with your beloved.

Your daughter hasn't been good at supporting you in the past and doesn't seem to want to support you now. You need to do what you feel comfortable with, but maybe consider how you want to get on with your daughter afterwards as well. So so hard.

I would just tell her as you have already that you are doing it that way (and tough!!!! - but maybe just think that bit). In fact I would want to give her a whopping big lecture but would just think it for now and tell her exactly what's what after the funeral (are you sure she is grown up and not a teenager?)

Thinking of you. JM

 

[2jays]

I think I may have flown with daggers drawn if my daughter said anything like that.... And followed through with

Ok it seems you think I'm the also ran in all this. What do bl***y names and which order they are in matter.

This is the funeral of MY HUSBAND the love of my life and you are making me feel as if you all are more important than me in all this.

HOW DARE YOU







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[Scarlett123]

I am a coward. I cannot bear the thought of my daughter asking me, on the morning of the funeral if I have contacted the vicar, and then throwing a strop, when I say I haven't. I will ask him to alter it, only because John would say that she was being selfish, but it saves a possible scene.

 

[pony-mad]

Hi Scarlett, I understand 100% your reaction. Why create a scene when the order of names is unimportant compared with your need to reduce any possible stresses?!? Some people find empathy virtually impossible. We can see that from her point of view, she has lost her Dad.
Sending my love to you.
Gaynor x


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[Scarlett123]

I have just sent this email:

I'm sorry to trouble you Alan, but I am having to wear diplomatic gloves, and I wondered if you could advise me please. At a family dinner on Sunday, I was asked what happens during the "Welcome" by your good self.

I said that it would be an address to the mourners, explaining that this is service giving thanks for the life of John, and saying something like how much he would be missed by his friends and his wife Scarlett, children Debbie and Dan, grandchildren, Blah, Blah and Blah, and his son-in-law Mark.

My daughter would prefer that the order is altered, so it would read how much he will be missed by his wife Scarlett, his daughter Debbie, son-in-law Mark, his son Dan, and his grandchildren, Blah, Blah and Blah.

I said that I had always assumed that the names are read out with the spouse's name first, followed by children, grandchildren, siblings if any, and then in laws, but as it seems to be important to her, and as neither my son or I wish there to be any friction, could this please be altered?

Perhaps when this over, I should apply for a position with the Diplomatic Department?

 

[Izzy]

Indeed you should Scarlett. What a shame you are troubled with this on top of everything else. Your email
is perfect and I'm sure he'll understand.


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[jan.s]

Well done Scarlett on overcoming a difficult situation.

Sometimes people lack thought for others at this time; your daughter should be thankful that M gets a mention, I didn't at my FIL's funeral, and I had made all the arrangements as MIL didn't feel able to! I didn't actually notice at the time, but Roger did!!

 

[Millsa2]

I don't know the whole story about John as new here but I'm sorry for your loss.
I was recently at a family funeral and I didn't even get mentioned in the welcome despite my husband and children being mentioned. I was a bit upset at the time but didn't say anything as there's bigger things to worry about at that time.
She should be happy her hubby has a mention at all and get over herself!!
I hope she doesn't cause you any more stress. My thoughts are with you x


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[Grey Lad]

Hi Scarlett I don't know where you find all your patience from at this exhausting time. I think you should resort to Diplomatic Immunity and give it to them straight. I am not suggesting that you should be unpleasant just let them know how they make you feel. When the funeral is over perhaps you can play that uke and compose songs that you could send to all the people who have added complications to the arrangements. Hope today is peaceful and you are not troubled by further nonsense.

 

[Grannie G]

Scarlett your daughter is petty and you are a saint.

 

[truth24]

Dear Scarlett. Sometimes being diplomatic is so hard and well done you for being able to rise above your daughter's apparent selfishness. I wonder if she has been asked to do this by her husband as it seems that he was the one who got upset in the first place, in which case may be she is caught between a rock and a hard place and has taken the easy way out by massaging his ego? She has to live with him. Only a thought and certainly not taking 'her side' but it might take the sting out of the situation. Thinking of you. Verityxx

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[WIFE]

Scarlett dear - I will be thinking of you and John especially through the next few days - not sure which day the Funeral is but I will be with you in spirit. Hope all goes as well as possible and you find support from your family and friends.

Loving thoughts WIFE

 

[LYN T]

Scarlett-I'm so sorry that your Daughter upset you. I know she is grieving-but her reaction must have hurt. Well done for taking the diplomatic route.

So the day gets even closer. I don't know about you but my stomach is in knots. Apart from the occasion I'm worried about being able to get through the Eulogy I hope we can both hold it together and find strength from somewhere.

Love

Lyn T XXXX

 

[2jays]

You are a better person that I am Scarlett. So much admiration for you.

Now it's time just for you and ignore anyone else and their problems.

Holding you tightly in my heart xxx


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[mabbs]

Scarlett, I dont know about becoming a diplomat, but I would think you deserve a sainthood, its so difficult with close family, thank goodness for your sons support.

And a really big thank you, because even at this most difficult time, you still found time to respond and give such good advice to me.

Take heart John is at peace and watching over you now, remember we (the TPs ) will all be with you on the day invisible but holding you in our thoughts, with our arms firmly around you.

 

[Scarlett123]

I have received an email from Alan saying that, for the sake of Peace & Harmony, he will alter the order of the family mourners, and saying he will pray that I'll find strength for tomorrow.

Tomorrow! It's come round so quickly. I'm off to the Chapel of Rest in a few hours, with both my children accompanying me, but still unsure whether they want to join me.

I have all John's Birthday Cards, that he never lived to open, which I will put in the coffin, and I will give my children an honest opinion as to how I find John. Either fine, not too bad or best to remember Dad as he was.

My tummy is doing somersaults, and I am exhausted. People are also speaking to me in awe that I am to give the Eulogy. But as I keep saying, I have to do it, because John asked me to.

I know you'll all pray for me that tomorrow's events run smoothly. And my thoughts will be with dear Lyn on Friday. Let's hope we can make John and Pete proud of their girls.