Goodbye my love .... John died today

[LadyA]

So glad your son can come Scarlett. It's a whole different system here. Funerals are much more prompt- usually within a couple of days of the death, unless there's a reason to delay it, like a family member who needs to travel home. I'm not sure why exactly they are held so quickly - it's just always been that way.

The facility your son works at sounds fabulous. Almost like a "retirement village" rather than an assisted living facility. And I'm sure, very expensive. One of my step-daughters was telling me that in the US, as well as Health Insurance, you can get what I think is called Long Term Care insurance, for if you should need an Assisted Living Facility, or a Nursing Home when you are older. Her father in law had this insurance, and it paid for his care in an excellent Nursing Home for the last few years of his life.

 

[Scarlett123]

Thank you as ever, for all your lovely messages. I now have all tomorrow at home to try on my numerous M & S dresses, coats, slips and knickers. All I am waiting for is the Funeral Celebrant to contact me, and for people to let me know if they are coming.

If they can't be bothered to get back to me, and they turn up for the food, I shall allot them one sausage roll, or perhaps a few crisps apiece, and boot them out. I was pleased that the restaurant are charging £10 a head, for a huge array of hot buffet items, and unlimited tea and coffee, but then you add on £35 an hour to hire the room, for a minimum of 3 hours, and they charge for a minimum of 30 people having the buffet.

But I cannot accommodate these in my bungalow. Then I nearly passed out at the cost of the flowers: Grandpa down one side, John down the other, and Dad at the back, plus a spray from myself and the children ......... in excess of £600!

I have invited all John's dog walking friends, and told the only one for which I have a phone number, that anyone who used to walk with him is invited, even if their only connection is that their dog had its nose up our dog's a*se - that's good enough for me.

I also went to the Day Centre and have invited any staff that wish to come. They were in tears and said what a lovely man he was. I'm fine when people say that, but the minute they tell me what a good wife I was, I dissolve.

 

[truth24]

Wow Scarlett, what expense. Catering costs I can understand but why the extra supplement or is it a service charge? And the flowers. How can they possibly cost so much? It must make it very difficult for people on limited (even more so than us) incomes to do what they would like for their loved ones - an added worry at a very sad time.

Hope you find something you like from your assorted clothing orders☺

Verityxx

Sent from my GT-N5110

 

[LYN T]

I'm amazed at that price as well Scarlett. Pete's celebration do is in a pub which serves real ale. (He was a fan of the stuff) £8.50 per head for assorted hot/cold buffet + desserts + tea/coffee. No charge for the venue. I expect they hope to make a packet on the day through alcohol sales.I will be the only one giving flowers - an Alzheimer collection will be ongoing throughout the day in lieu. Pete never liked 'arranged flowers' but I've instructed the florist to do a free style bouquet with a navy blue ribbon round the stems to match the colour of the West Bromwich Albion flag.

How are you feeling?

Love from

Lyn T XX

 

[Scarlett123]

I know the flowers are an eye watering expense, but John and I are East Enders, and the flower thingy was drilled into you at a young age. If you didn't have the words down the sides, it wasn't a proper funeral. Remember too, you're paying London prices, for everything.

When we were living in Gants Hill, we went to one about 35 years ago, at the City of London Crematorium. This is where my Mum and Dad's were, John's parents, all our relations etc, and this was for the lorry driver neighbour of my parents, where they'd lived 20 years previously.

He had 11 children, and they had a horse drawn carriage, and about 20 cars, one for each child and their family, and a few more for other relations. Every one of those sub families had a huge wreath, which were on the back of George's lorry, and John and I stood with my Mum and Dad, watching the procession. Mum and I were exclaiming over the beautiful flowers. Both John and my Dad, said in unison "bleedin' waste of money". Then they turned to each other, like Morecombe and Wise and said "but it 'as to be done mate, donnit".

John always said that after 9 years in the army he had p*ssed himself silly, and was never a pub person. He had a glass of wine about every 3rd year! So a pub isn't in keeping with what he liked. The restaurant we are going to has 2 areas. A dining room one side, and a bigger room the other, where John and I went to many engagements, 21st parties, 40ths, 50ths, Silver, Ruby and Golden Weddings.

We also used to go to the dining area once a month for Sunday dinner, on our own or with family or friends, but sadly, this ceased as John deteriorated. I now have 30 definites for the service and 27 for the buffet, so it won't look too empty.

Didn't get to sleep until 4, but dropped off straight away and then the phone woke me at 9. It was the Funeral Celebrant, and he's coming on Thursday afternoon to run through things. So I just need the Order of Service to proof read, and for the Registrars to accept that John was not my wife.

 

[LYN T]

Scarlett you are doing your very best to give your John the send off that you know he would want. Good for you. I loved the story about the lorry driver and John's reaction to the flowers-that double act with your dad was quite something.

The pub where Pete's do is is one we used to go to. It is on the river -not that we will see much of it as it will get dark just as we get there.

Why do people not give a yes or no when asked if they will be attending? 44 have confirmed and 11 haven't. I phoned the manager at the venue and she said to confirm on the wednesday-which is very good of her.

What I would really like to do is just take 20 or so for a restaurant meal. I suppose I'm just following convention-but Pete wasn't conventional at all.

I think I will just order the food for the confirms and forget the rest

Please try and get some sleep tonight Scarlett-you don't want to be exhausted when your Son arrives

Love

Lyn T XX

 

[cragmaid]

As the daughter of a " High Class Florist" ( Dad once made flowers for the Queen) no funeral for us and ours would be correct without floral tributes. No ribbons and no Gypsophelia, ( Baby's Breath as it is known in the states) unless requested, and in my childhood a big funeral order would involve Dad, Grandpa, Mum, us two oldest girls ( the youngest stayed home with Nana), and even my Aunt, who helped out at Christmas in the shops. No Oasis arrangements or baskets then, all wreath and sheaf bases were made from Sphagnum Moss overwrapped with wire onto metal rings for wreaths or wooden sticks for sheafs....the stick made a sort of carrying handle. Hearts, Cushions or Cross bases had metal forms. Then the base layer, usually Cupresses or sometimes Pittisporum (the green bits of a wreath) was wired into individual spikes and fed into the base, followed by the individual flowers, all hand wired, and finally a bit of fern. Dad always wrote the cards in fountain ink with such beautiful writing...In loving Memory, With deepest Sympathy....etc. It was an all day , or late night job......but oh the pride in a job well done!! No tribute left our shop without being perfect Dad's reputation was at stake.!!

 

[truth24]

What lovely memories, cragmaid. Your dad must have been very talented. Also what an amazing funeral cortege you describe, Scarlett. Don't see many like that in this area but it must have been spectacular as I'm sure John's flowers will be. Verityxx

Sent from my GT-N5110

 

[Saffie]

I've edited this as I realise I was on your thread Scarlett but was responding to a post from Lyn.
As has already been said, you are both being such a support for each other as you are each going through the same things. This must be such a support for you both.
(Just me getting a bit confused!)

Your description of the flowers show how they became so expensive and if you can't have tradition in a funeral, when can you! I think it has to be what the person in whose name it is would have wanted and I know that's what we all try to do. So, I'm sure John would approve wholeheartedly.
You are both making Pete and John so proud. xxx

 

[Scarlett123]

As the daughter of a " High Class Florist" ( Dad once made flowers for the Queen) no funeral for us and ours would be correct without floral tributes. No ribbons and no Gypsophelia, ( Baby's Breath as it is known in the states) unless requested, and in my childhood a big funeral order would involve Dad, Grandpa, Mum, us two oldest girls ( the youngest stayed home with Nana), and even my Aunt, who helped out at Christmas in the shops. No Oasis arrangements or baskets then, all wreath and sheaf bases were made from Sphagnum Moss overwrapped with wire onto metal rings for wreaths or wooden sticks for sheafs....the stick made a sort of carrying handle. Hearts, Cushions or Cross bases had metal forms. Then the base layer, usually Cupresses or sometimes Pittisporum (the green bits of a wreath) was wired into individual spikes and fed into the base, followed by the individual flowers, all hand wired, and finally a bit of fern. Dad always wrote the cards in fountain ink with such beautiful writing...In loving Memory, With deepest Sympathy....etc. It was an all day , or late night job......but oh the pride in a job well done!! No tribute left our shop without being perfect Dad's reputation was at stake.!!

Oh, how I loved reading that account. Lisa, my florist, also hand writes the cards in fountain pen, and showed me her "special" vellum card which she uses. It's wonderful to read stories of "all hands to the pump" and to know that the very highest standards were adhered to.

But, as you rightly say, the pride in a job well done. Now you may be able to help me here. I have a very very vague memory, of attending The Leaving of a funeral in 1950 or thereabouts. An old woman, dressed like a fairy story version of an old woman, wearing a long darned dress and boots, with a moth-eaten shawl, made her way through the throng, and gave the undertaker some flowers. They had huge curved petals.

And my Mum said "There's Emily (or another name), with her wooden flowers". They were really brightly coloured, and when I asked what my Mum meant, she said "they're wood shavings". A year or two later we went to another Leaving, this time Emily's (we knew how to enjoy ourselves in those days in Mile End!), but we had to stand, with hundreds of people, the other side of the road and, again, this is very vague, but I think there were clowns??

We used to have a visiting circus, and I'm wondering if they came from there? Do flowers made of wooden shavings mean anything to you, or have I dreamt this? Oh and another thing. If a neighbour died, everyone drew their front room curtains. And no doubt then rushed out to watch The Leaving.

When we lived in Burdett Road, off Mile End Road, we all had yards, but my Dad grew chrysanthemums on a little patch of earth. So when someone was born, married or died, neighbours would just line up in the yards, nobody had a chair!

 

[Scarlett123]

I have completed the eulogy. I have altered it, fine tuned it, even written a page with huge cue words, and read it a zillion times. I am absolutely fine reading it till I get to the last paragraph and then I start crying and I cannot fight my way through the final words, without my voice breaking.

Is this OK do you think? I want to say it because I think it finishes it off, but every single time I cry. But I can get through to the last word, even though I'm crying. Should I think of something else to say? Basically, I'm saying about the front door bell ringing, me knowing John had died, and then the phone call from the Home. Then I say ........

Every Christmas, John and I loved to watch It's A Wonderful Life, sometimes we'd record it and watch it several times. And at the end, we'd turn to each other and, crying, say "Wasn't that good"! And of course everybody knows the most famous line that every time a bell rings, it means an angel's got its wings.

John, you were a wonderful and loyal friend, husband, Dad and Grandpa, and for nearly 50 years, my angel, you gave me a Wonderful Life. Thank you for loving me, darling, God Bless You, and may your dear sweet soul Rest in Peace.

I can't actually type it without crying.

 

[Jinx]

Scarlett what does it matter if you cry? No-one with any heart is going to mind and I would bet the majority will be sobbing along with you. This is your tribute to the man you loved, fought and cared for for so many years, do it exactly as you want, it is inevitable the tears will flow but that is a beautiful end to your eulogy. Huge hug.


Sent from my iPad using Talking Point

 

[MeganCat]

Firstly can I say how sorry I am for your loss - I haven't been on here in a few weeks.
secondly I think that what you have written is beautiful - I love that film too, and your words are making me fill up too. I think on the day that adrenaline will get you to the end. A lovely tribute x

 

[Grannie G]

It`s beautiful Scarlett. It won`t matter if you cry, everyone will be crying with you

 

[jan.s]

Scarlett that is so beautiful, it has made me cry. John would be so proud of all the arrangements, flowers etc. It sounds so perfect. The cost of the flowers etc is a one off expense; the service is your only opportunity to say the things you want to say. Costs don't count on occasions such as this.

 

[Greyone]

I was very touched to come across your posting whilst looking for inspiration late at night. I hope you soon find peace and comfort and that you have many wonderful memories to think of. I hope you find comfort with the words of so many people have shared here.

Good look with the funeral and your future.

 

[Lindy50]

Oh Scarlett, it all sounds wonderful, and your eulogy is beautiful. I am sure no-one will mind if you cry - as Sylvia says, a lot of people will be crying with you!

Also, I have loved reading the posts about flowers and funeral traditions Everyone drew their curtains when I was young, too. My dad was from the East End (Shoreditch) but as we lived near mum's family in Birmingham, I met very few of his family and wasn't close to the traditions. I'd like to have been, though....

Thinking of you Scarlett and sending you (((hugs)))

Lindy xx

 

[LYN T]

Scarlett your eulogy is perfect, just perfect. Why wouldn't you cry? You will be with friends and family who love you and John-they will probably be crying themselves.

If it's any consolation I'm having trouble myself with this issue. I too know what to say-but being able to is a different story.

Deep breath my lovely, deep breath.

Love as always

Lyn T XX

 

[Izzy]

Scarlett your words are beautiful. They brought a lump to my throat just reading them. I would fully expect that you would cry delivering them and like others I believe that people will understand and will be shedding a tear as well.

 

[Rathbone]

What's a senior moment between friends. I read that The Queen used to call King George V Grandpa England, and I liked that, so it seemed the right way to differentiate between the American grandparents and us.

Right, hankies at the ready. I opened the present from one of the carers addressed to John and I. In the afternoons, when a lot of the residents were asleep in the lounge, including John, I often used to just sit and hold his hand, and chat to him "do you remember when we met", hoping that something would sink in.

One day, this particular carer, Samantha, was listening to me, and she asked if I was making this up, or was it a real story. So I said that we really did meet singing carols under the Christmas tree in Trafalgar Square, that I'd dropped my carol sheet in the snow, and told John, who belonged to the same Am Dram group, and he offered to share his sheet. By the end of the concert, he'd asked me out and proposed 2 days later.

I also was chatting about The Bottom Drawer, that she'd never heard of, (!) and said that I used to buy a couple of tea towels one week, perhaps some pillowcases the next, but my thrill was buying 2 plates, then 2 side plates, a pudding bowl, 2 dessert bowls, all Pyrex June Rose, but I only had 2 dessert bowls left, and that's cos they were too small for John's appetite and never got used much.

When she gave me the box, she said it was for John and I to open on Christmas Day, when we thought I'd be having dinner with him.

I opened the box, and inside were 4 bubble wrapped packages, as follows:

First package: A laminated photo of carol singers at Trafalgar Square, by the tree, and on the outside was a label TO SET THE MOOD

Second package: Two laminated sheets with the words and music of Hark the Herald Angels Sing, labelled YOUR PLACE MATS

Third package: A cd of Kings College Christmas Carols, labelled LISTEN AND REMEMBER WITH LOVE

Fourth package: 2 June Rose dinner plates, brand new, marked ENJOY YOUR LOVELY DINNER

and on the front of the box IF MUSIC BE THE FOOD LOVE, LISTEN AND ENJOY YOUR DINNER!!

Well, as you can imagine, I sobbed and sobbed. Where on earth did she get a design that was "in" 50 years ago? I know you can get discontinued lines, but we're not relations of hers. The time that must have taken. Kindness from the most unexpected places. I am so humbled. I drove to the Home and dropped off a thank you card to be forwarded, because she's now left and I don't have an address or anything.

I've put the whole thing away, something else I can't deal with just yet, but if nothing else, I've certainly helped the shares for Kleenex Tissues this week.

When beauty shines out from within, it is reflected back from other people. Your beauty in caring for your wonderful husband, Scarlett, has humbled us all. Now its your turn! X Love as always. Shelagh