Goodbye and Hello

[Woo2]

A good day today , carer arrived and we chatted for a quite a while , after an hour I just sloped off upstairs, all I could hear was racous laughter ! Mum was giggling away , T was asking her how she met dad and where they courted and what she did for a job, mum hesitated a lot but T just said take your time , she told mum to bake a cake for when she comes next Friday ? , she does say to mum a lot come on get your brain working . I’m not quite sure how I feel about it , on the one hand I’m pleased she is encouraging mum, but the other part of me feels it’s pressuring her , maybe I have let her sit back and do too little . She used to help when she first moved in, washing or drying up and helping chop veg etc but she hasn’t done any of this for quite a few months now , maybe I should be pushing her to do more , thought I was helping her by relaxing and not having to worry about doing it right etc but I’m not sure now . Dad used to get her to wash and dry up every night ,He took over the cooking but she helped , housework he directed her mostly , washing machine he took over as she forgot to add washing powder, she was unable to make a hot drink alone so he did that too. She does sit in her chair an awful lot and reads . I need to find the right balance. It’s probably because of the cold as in the warmer weather she comes out every day for a long walk around the park with me and the dog, and we go out more to local gardens and the beach for a stroll etc . Hopefully with the milder brighter days coming I can get her out more.

 

[Woo2]

@charliejack how’s things with you ? Not seen you about for a couple of days .

 

[annielou]

Glad carer visit went well ? Isn't it lovely to hear them laugh
It is hard to know how far to go in trying to see what mum can do isn't it. I think for me it is also easier to do it myself rather than supervise mum doing it and check doing it ok. It also feels odd trying to get mum to do things as that's mum and I feel like she used to, and still does, tell me what to do not other way round.
Our situation is bit different though as mum is still in her house, I don't live with her so she's not helping me in my house, and she still thinks she does all her own housework regularly, when in reality she leaves it far too long and always forgets something and without help only does half a job. This causes its own problems in me not knowing whether to say something needs doing and risk an argument and how much to help when she does eventually do something. When I was staying there I would often sneakily try to do bits while she was in shower on a morning as it really got to me not being done regularly. Now I'm not staying there it still bothers me but I am trying harder not to get so het up about it, but I have gone back to mums early on day centre days and sneaked a dust and clean of things.
I imagine as your mum is living at your house it feels more natural for you to do things anyway rather than have your mum do them. I don't know if you're the same but I've never been one to have visitors, even family, helping when they're here, when mum used to stay at christmas or for weekends in past she would make cups of tea occasionally or help me prep veg at christmas but that's about it.
It probably is good to have her do something as it would give her something to do, pass time and might help her feel useful but then I think would have to be careful what picked as if can't do it right she may feel worse. Why did your mum stop doing things? Was it because she was getting things wrong and was sad about it, or just gradually over time forgot to come help, or did it just happen without realising as you were busy and didn't notice mum wasn't helping? If its' because she was struggling maybe its best she doesn't do those things, but maybe she could try a simpler task.
When mum comes to my house now she will ask if she can help when I make lunch or dinner but it's more that she wants to come with me rather than help I think, because if I actually say yes she usually just stands and chats rather than do anything. I'd rather do it by myself but I do try to make lunch with her at her house and mine. Its usually a sandwich, crisps and cup of tea so I ask mum to make tea while I make sandwich.
Sorry not much help there just a ramble Good luck with it x

 

[Woo2]

Thanks @annielou , I don’t know why, she just didn’t one day and hasn’t asked again since , I too do it all when have people round , Mum and Mum in law used to help clear table but that’s about it. She can’t make a hot drink. Well she can’t make any drink really , she tried once here but it didn’t go well, I said oh that’s a lovely cuppa thanks and threw it away when she went to the toilet , she struggled so hasn’t tried , think it all stems from dads response where he made her feel stupid , I have told her she isn’t it’s her brain and that we all have those moments .

We have had a huff and puff morning so far , just went to sit with her to find out what’s wrong and she was shaking , she was worrying about her eyes again . It’s almost like a default setting when she gets upset or confused she goes back to she has cataracts that need operating on. Dad had his cataracts done. I have taken her to 3 different opticians and a specialist and they all say she has near perfect eyesight , she has a pair of glasses just for close up. She does have a colloid cyst in third ventricle of her brain , this was found when she had scan to confirm Alzheimer’s diagnosis . In December I went to dr’s about her worrying about eyesight and asked them to do another cat scan to check the cyst hadn’t grown and was putting pressure on any optic nerve , apparently it’s stable at 4-5mm. The dementia dr said it’s not helping her dementia but it’s not the cause and it’s pushing pressure on her brain but they won’t operate . Hard to know what to do or say, I now just say oh yes we are going to opticians next week and that settles her until the next time usually . I wish there was a set of instructions or a book to learn the correct way of dealing with all this .

 

[annielou]

Oh dear, I hope she settles and has a better rest of day. I think thats a really good idea of what to say when she worries about her eyes. It would be so much easier if there were instructions wouldn't it. If pwd says this then you say this and it always work. You do seem to have worked out your own pretty well though ?
I struggle with answers like that in case mum remembers and ask the next week why we've not gone which she sometimes does, but not if she is really mixed up at time I say it so it's a bit of a guessing game when to say that sort of thing. You seem to have good handle on gauging what to say with your mum x
Sorry to hear about your mums cyst, that must be a worry for you too. Good that is not growing but its hard to think there is something there not being treated isn't it.
I think its also hard to know when worrying about something if has symptoms, or if just psychological worry, or mixed up memory. Mum will pick up other peoples symptoms if she feels unsettled and hears anybody in person, or on tv saying something about being ill and if she is ever nervous about something straight away she'll say but I need loo. Thats her default setting like your mums eyes.
Although Mum is having trouble with her eyes at moment. She has a full macular hole in left and a part macular home in right eye that has been stable for last year, this week she said she had black shadows floating across her eye. As vitreous gel breaks up you often do see floaters that make shadows, so I'm hoping its that and not a sign her partial hole is getting worse. She has a regular eye appointment in April and I'm hoping its just that when they check it then. She mentioned it quite a bit at weekend and beginning of week and kept rubbing her eyes and wiping her glasses as thought was something in or on them.
I contacted eye clinic liason officer for advice to see if thought thats what it was or if I should try to get mum seen earlier. She gave me triage nurse number to ring and ask them but it had took a few days to get back to each other and carer was due that afternoon (Thursday) so I thought I'd try ring when I left them but as I got caught up and didn't leave till after 5 it was too late. She had only mentioned them once on Thursday and didn't mention them yesterday until later in afternoon but then we were in confused conversation zone and I didn't know whether to risk going off and ringing hospital and bringing it up and possibly unsettling mum more. If she mentions it a lot during weekend I'll try ring monday, but emergency appointments usually take about 2 weeks and she goes in just over 3 so not sure we'll be much quicker anyway if they decide mum should be seen. Mum doesn't describe things very well and mixes up what talking about so its hard to know what to do as not most reliable source of info on symptoms.
I hope your mums cyst doesn't cause her too much of an increase in her symptoms and never gets any bigger and I hope she's settled down over her eye worries today ?Fingers crossed your day improves x

 

[Woo2]

I learnt like you , the hard way. I used to explain we had been to several people and had it checked and all was ok but she got more and more distressed , I wanted to always be truthful with her but now learnt that’s not what’s best for her sometimes . When I lied she was going for op she was happy and stopped worrying , it’s been at least 3 weeks since she mentioned it so it’s worked well . I know I should step in as soon as I see her getting upset, we are lucky that she doesn’t shut herself in her room , with dad she would go in there for days on end and he was poorly and didn’t have energy so he made sure she was still there and left her to it . Sorry to hear about your mums eyes It’s rough isn’t it .shame that to get emergency appointment only a few day before planned one and the hoops you have to jump through to get it . Hope she gets on ok?. Eyes forgotten about now , made her some toast and calm restored. They do jumble stuff so you have to try and work out what is real and what isn’t . As if we needed any more work ! Hope today ok for you too. Xx

 

[jugglingmum]

Not caught up on thread - will try later (and a few others) but popping in to see glad you got your name change sorted out.

 

[Sarasa]

Only just noticed the name change @Woo, good-oh .
Mum certainly used to pick up on things she heard on the radio. She had to have a hernia op and the doctors said they would use mesh. She'd heard about the problems with vaginal mesh and couldn't comprehend that her operation was different.
It could be that your mum's brain can't quite understand what she sees anymore, so she think she ahs a problem with her eyes. My mother in law quite often says that now when she can't understand what she's just read. Distraction is probably the best bet, though mum would worry a topic to death like a dog with a bone when she was in the mood.

 

[Woo2]

Only just noticed the name change @Woo, good-oh .
Mum certainly used to pick up on things she heard on the radio. She had to have a hernia op and the doctors said they would use mesh. She'd heard about the problems with vaginal mesh and couldn't comprehend that her operation was different.
It could be that your mum's brain can't quite understand what she sees anymore, so she think she ahs a problem with her eyes. My mother in law quite often says that now when she can't understand what she's just read. Distraction is probably the best bet, though mum would worry a topic to death like a dog with a bone when she was in the mood.

I did wonder if it was the brain processing , a little like the hearing aids not working , I don’t enforce her wearing them as I think that’s a processing issue too . Thank you . Feel much better about name change ? . Hope your husband has a nice visit with his mum .

 

[Woo2]

Not caught up on thread - will try later (and a few others) but popping in to see glad you got your name change sorted out.

Thanks , it’s a lot better . Look forward to your updates on sandwich generation (when you can ) .

 

[charliejack]

@charliejack how’s things with you ? Not seen you about for a couple of days .

Hi woohoo thanks for thinking of me . Just bin working a few extra hours , I'm in retail so all a bit crazy atm. Mom called the paramedics out 3 times this week but hasn't since so fingers crossed she's stopped it. Hope you are well I must catch up on the thread x

 

[Woo2]

That’s good , keep fingers crossed for you and for them ! I can imagine how manic it is out there . Glad you are ok.

 

[Bikerbeth]

I was reading posts this evening by @Woo2 and I thought they sounded like Woohoo’s posts then it clicked.

 

[Woo2]

I was reading posts this evening by @Woo2 and I thought they sounded like Woohoo’s posts then it clicked.

? My cover has been blown by @Bikerbeth !

 

[Woo2]

Had a reasonably good day , Mum had a G & T earlier and a bar of her favourite chocolate , next thing she has crept off to her room I don’t mind it just seems so strange how she doesn’t say a word just vanishes like the Scarlett pimpernel . I’m sure she will get up early in the morning and all will be ok. We have a family wedding in aug and that is one of the main reasons I have carer coming in to get used to each other but apparently the agency said it won’t be her covering and it would need to be 2 as we will be about 9 hours , I’m not sure I’m happy with 2 complete strangers turning up on that day, 1 first off then to be replaced by another stranger , that’s if they can get anyone to cover . Hubby says he will not go , it’s his family though , I have volunteered to stay at home. Someone suggested respite but I don’t want to confuse mum by putting her in there just for a night and I was under the impression I can’t pre book that early . Will just see how things pan out as it’s quite a way off yet .

 

[annielou]

Oh what a shame about being different carers, thats a bu***r isn't it. Hopefully mum being used to someone coming in will help her cope with carers coming in on wedding day even though not same one. ?
Is there no way it can be same carer as have on weekly visit? Or could agency send ones who would be coming then to meet mum before wedding so seen them beforehand? I suppose if wedding not on same day as weekly visit, or if while she's on holiday, or with other people it might be harder to have same carer. Have you spoke to current carer about it? Maybe if its her day off she would volunteer to work and be one of carers on wedding day so you could have someone mum knew. Sorry if already done all that x
What a worry, I hope you can sort something out, luckily it's a while away so at least you have some time to try figure it out X ?

 

[Woo2]

Thanks @annielou , she is the only one covering our area at the moment , the manager has asked for people to volunteer for it apparently . Our carer is a single mum with a young child so she only works when they are at nursery , the hours she can do don’t suit me particularly well but it’s better someone that no one , maybe I should look at another agency but it’s knowing how Mum will deal with more changes . If we all end up in isolation it won’t matter for a while anyway. I really am not looking forward to the prospect . It will be easier for me than a lot of people so I shan’t moan.

 

[Woo2]

Well things seem to have gone Pete tong again . Mum up about 8am , had breakfast , all ok. Had cooked breakfast for brunch again all fine , I cleared up and loaded dishwasher , Mum gone to her room, door open all fine . I go to put washing on , door now shut . Popped to shop and notice curtains shut. This was about 1pm . She has just surfaced with a face like thunder , wandered in to kitchen , hubby offered her a drink , got a stroppy NO ! She disappears back to her room , door open so I ask if she wants a drink , after quite a few seconds she says juice , take it in to her , and say you look sleepy still give yourself time to wake up fully , she comes out , goes to bathroom , I was at tumble drier so didn’t see her to ask what’s wrong and comfort her so she’s gone back to her room, door firmly shut. Normally she goes to bed moody and gets up fine , today she went to bedroom fine and got up moody and confused .When she did this with dad she could be in there for 4-5 days , this was pre dementia too so nothing new . I don't leave her that long , will take her a drink in again later If she responds to my door knocking , if not I will try again in the morning as it’s club tom. Have no idea how long it will remain open for.

 

[annielou]

Sorry not been a good day ? ? A hug for you and your mum. That must be hard wondering what sets off your mums low moods. I hope it doesn't last long and she is in a better mood tomorrow for her club as it would be shame for her to miss it.? Like you say no we've no idea how long these places will carry on opening with present situation. I don't want mum to miss too many in case she gets out of the habit of going so I keep hoping it won't get to stage they have to close. ?

 

[Woo2]

Thank you @annielou ☺ Hugs gratefully received . She got up at 5 in time for dinner, she does love her food . Slightly quiet and a touch moody but not too bad . Yes for sure , me too. It seems to be an ever changing fluid situation so nothing will surprise me . I have checked the website and no mention of closing but sure they will tell me more tomorrow .?. how has your day been ? Not seen anything from @Bikerbeth, hope she is off having fun somewhere . Funny how you miss familiar faces . Xx