1. twinone

    twinone Registered User

    May 19, 2008
    269
    england
    I have booked a late holiday with my sister for a week to Turkey. My sister suggested the holiday as we are both off work for a week and she thinks a rest and a change of scenery will do us both good ( she stayed with me the whole time Steve was in hospital for 4 days before he passed away and I know she was also very upset but stayed strong for me). I am feeling very apprehensive as this will be my first holiday without my lovely husband Stephen who I lost in October 07. I cant face getting the cases out with bikini's and beach towels in as I keep remembering out last holiday in May last year when he was okay. He had a very rapid form of dementia that started last summer and as he was only 61 and I was 54 we still had a very active social life until his illness ( the neurologists still dont know what it was, said it could have been a rare form of parkinsons or a rare form of motor neurone disease but it affected his speech and balance and also made him aggressive which he had never been in all the time I have known him over 25 years.) His deterioration was rapid.
    Sorry this has been such a long posting but I am so worried and sad to be going on holiday without him that I dont know if I have made the right decision to go as I am still grieving for him terribly but dont want to let my sister down. I thought this would be a good way to get my feelings out and wonder if anyone else has had the same feelings as me.

    Love Janet
     
  2. citybythesea

    citybythesea Registered User

    Mar 23, 2008
    632
    coast of texas
    Janet, my sincere sympathy at what you have been thru. I can't begin to say I know how you feel because I don't. Mom lost dad very in an accident and 10 years later was still grieving, she never could bring herself to go out with another person even in groups. She was lucky in that she had one friend after the fact...they met 5 years later. This woman convinced mom to go on a seniors cruise with her, mom worried that she didn't want to go because she had made plans for dad and her to do that. The friend convinced her that mom should go.

    As moms friend said...time is the healer of ALL wounds, and we cannot stop time. Dad loved her so and enjoyed his time with her and she was positive that he would not mind her going. After all we carry our loved ones in our heart also. Mom gave in and went and even tho' she was sad at not having her beloved there she was able to enjoy the sights with her friend. Mom talked of walking down a set of stairs and getting locked out by herself. She said she was scared and at that moment a young man, who according to her resembled my dad 40 years earlier appeared and opened the door for her and let her back in. Before she could get his name he had disappeared. Mom asked the director of the ship who the gentleman may have been, as he had the ships attire on. She was told that at the time it happened there shouldn't have been an officer in that area and they checked and no one said anything of opening the door for mom.
    Anyways after that she was convinced that she had an angel watching her and taking care of her.

    I gues what I'm trying to say is that your sister is there for you now and take advantage of this wonderful bond. Your wounds will heal over time and I'm sure Your husband would not disapprove of you taking a little time away from the stress that I'm sure has plagued you for the past several months.


    HUGS

    Nancy
     
  3. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    69,560
    Kent
    Twinone

    Hello Janet.

    Pease try to look forwards to the holiday with your sister.

    I can only imagine how you feel about this holiday. It is said the first of anything is always the worst after bereavement. I don`t know whether or not it`s true.

    I can only suggest you try to make this holiday with your sister as different as possible to the holidays you enjoyed with your husband. Try to leave yourself with few comparisons if you can.

    On our last holiday we met someone in your position. She enjoyed her holiday even though there were times when she seemed sad and alone, even among a group of very caring people. She said her holidays would never be the same but they were better than not having holidays at all.

    She was glad she`d made the decision. I hope you will be too.

    Love xx
     
  4. twinone

    twinone Registered User

    May 19, 2008
    269
    england
    thanks Sylvia and Nancy

    I spoke to me sister this morning and she said exactly the same thing. We are going to Turkey because I have never been there before and it wont have any memories. The hotel we have picked is on the beach and has a beauty treatment clinic for facials and massages etc, so maybe if I have some pampering done I might be able to relax a bit.(after the last few months I think I will need everything they are offering to look normal ). We are going on friday and hopefully will feel more positive and rested when I get back. Time will tell.

    I hope you soon get your husband home with you soon Sylvia, I hated it when Steve was in hospital for tests trying to find out what was wrong with him and spent my time worrying about him between visits. Him being upset when I was leaving was the worst feeling ever.

    Hugs to everyone
     
  5. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    17,000
    SW Scotland
    Dear Janet

    I know how you feel about the holiday. People always say you need to get away for a while, have a break, a rest, a change of scenery. But you don't want a change, you want to go back to the life you had with your husband -- and that's not possible.

    I don't know if you'll enjoy the holiday, whether you're ready for something new. But I think you have to try.

    Your sister is being kind, and is trying to help you. It's good that you have her, and are not contemplating a holiday alone. Try to go along with her, let her make the decisions, allow yourself to be spoiled.

    You'll have moments of unhappiness, probably wish at times you hadn't come, but there will also be times when you find yourself enjoying it, and hopefully will come home ready to find pleasure in life again.

    That's not wrong. You won't forget Steve, he'll always be with you. But he would want you to have some pleasure, so do it for him as well as yourself.

    Good luck, let us know how you get on.

    Love,
     
  6. twinone

    twinone Registered User

    May 19, 2008
    269
    england
    It made me cry when I read your message. Steve would want me to be happy and enjoy myself. He was always worried If I was upset or ill and always tried to make sure I was happy.

    At the moment all I can think is 'where are you Steve when I need you'. I miss him so much.
     
  7. Amy

    Amy Registered User

    Jan 4, 2006
    3,453
    Hiya Janet,
    Janet it is such early days for you...dont worry as to whether it is the right or wrong decision...it is the decision you have made. Your sister will be with you to help you through the bad, and share the good. Do come back and let us know how you are doing.
    Love Helen
     
  8. DeborahBlythe

    DeborahBlythe Registered User

    Dec 1, 2006
    9,222
    Janet, I just wanted to say what nice people I found the Turkish to be, and what a fascinating and beautiful country it is. Your sister has made a great choice of destination for your holiday.

    Even if you have misgivings on your own behalf, I think that your sister will enjoy your company greatly and I feel certain that only good things will come out of the trip. Take the risk, if you can, because I think it will help in some small way to see the world a little differently, even as you pine for your husband.

    Love Deborah

    PS, Greece is a wonderful country too, in case some readers are thinking I am biassed!
     
  9. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    17,000
    SW Scotland
    Janet, of course that's all you can think. It's a huge step, taking that first holiday without Steve. But once you've taken this first step, the next will be easier, I promise.

    Listen to Steve in your head. What is he telling you to do? You just need the confidence to do it, and your sister is holding out her hand to help.

    Love and hugs,
     
  10. Brucie

    Brucie Registered User

    Jan 31, 2004
    12,413
    near London
    Hi Janet,

    Hazel and the others make sense.
    I'd go further and say, don't be afraid to take Steve with you - in your head, in your heart, in your bikini, in your towels. You probably don't have a choice anyway, of course.

    If you see something when away that you would both have liked, still think "Wow! what about that then!", as if you were talking to him. Say it, if that comes easier.

    No, of course I am not saying it is the same as having someone there, physically.

    When you see the beach towels, don't think sadly about them - use them as prompts to remember the great times you had, and celebrate them.

    My Jan lives in a care home and can no longer come on holiday with me.

    But she is always there by my side, and not only on holiday. Always will be. I count on that.

    Please enjoy your holiday :)
     
  11. citybythesea

    citybythesea Registered User

    Mar 23, 2008
    632
    coast of texas
    Forrest Gump

    Ther is a movie here in the US...Forrest Gump. I know sounds wierd to bring this up, but just before his true love, Jenny, dies she asks him if he was scared in Vietnam. He replies that yes, but after the rains would stop and he could see the sky he would feel better and that when he was down on the bayous of Louisianna and saw the skies at night or when he was running crossthe country (for those of you who don't know of this movie he was a tilttle "off" she was normal and he was trying his best to fit in everywhere) he would look at the skies of the desert and think to himself that they were so beautiful he didn't know where the skies ended and heaven began. She said she wished she had been with him. His reply was.."You always were Jenny." The next shot takes you to him talking to her at her grave.

    I have this movie to be so across the board it runs the gambit of emotions, but it truly said it for me about love and carrying on. Janet, I hope you can take your little trip and enjoy yourself for the little of the me time you so deserve.

    HUGS

    Nancy
     
  12. twinone

    twinone Registered User

    May 19, 2008
    269
    england
    back home after my holiday

    I arrived back home last night from my 1st holiday without Steve. The hotel and resort were lovely and the only thing missing to make it a perfect holiday was Steve. I thought about him so much, how lively he used to be and how he was always happy and smiling. It felt so strange to be without him and I felt so sad and cried sometimes.

    I am pleased that I managed to enjoy some parts of the holiday and my sister said that it went much better than she thought it would. I was having lunch at a beach bar one day and asked Steve 'where are you when I need you' and one of his favorite records came on the radio (Summer of 69)and I felt he was with me. We went back to the same beach bar a few times and I never heard that record again. I hope that this doesn't sound stupid.

    The strange thing was that I felt really apprehensive about coming home to an empty house again, even though he passed away 8 months ago today I still cant beleive he is not here. My son came to the airport to take us home, he carried my case in and made me a cup of tea and sat with me for an hour which did help a little bit.

    Sorry its been such a long posting but I feel that people on this site will understand that even though I have been on holiday it doesnt mean that I am over Steve (a couple of people at work said that I would be able to forget and put everything behind me after a rest and a good holiday), if only it was that simple.

    I have been reading the postings since I came back and it does seem to help knowing that other people in the same situation seem to be coping even though I wouldnt wish any of these illnesses on my worst enemy.

    Love Janet
     
  13. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    17,000
    SW Scotland
    Hi Janet

    If only it were that simple!

    On second thought, we wouldn't want it to be that simple, because that would mean that the love wasn't very deep.

    Of course you still miss Steve. You will for a long time. In fact you'll miss him for the rest of your life, but the pain will get less in time.

    I'm glad you got some pleasure from your holiday, and your sister enjoyed it too. How lovely that they played that song just when you needed it!:)

    Now you've done it once, you won't be so fearful of going away again, and each time it will get easier, I promise.

    Good to have you back,
     
  14. Tina

    Tina Registered User

    May 19, 2006
    420
    Dear Janet,

    I'm glad you managed the holiday ok. And it's only natural that you were missing Steve and would have been much more able to enjoy the trip had he been with you in person. But it seems he was with you anyway....not quite the same, I know.

    And I'm sure no one expected you to be all-singing all-dancing all the time. But it is really, really good that you enjoyed some parts of the holiday. I think that's probably the way things work - it won't ever be the same without your Steve, and you will still have tears, but maybe laughter and good memories will come more readily after a little while and linger for longer so that the days don't seem quite so impossible to get through any more. And when there are bad days, just let them happen. They're part and parcel of the whole thing, especially at 8 months into this journey.

    I can't imagine how it must feel coming home to an empty house. But after having lost my gramps and aunt and uncle in the last 18months, I know I still feel like I'm being kicked in the stomach when I go to visit and they're not there...

    Take each day as it comes, a day at a time. Steve will always be around you in one way or another.

    All the best,
    Tina
     
  15. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    69,560
    Kent
    Hello Janet

    It souns as if the holiday went better than anyone would have expected. Well done!

    No-one with any sense would expect you to forget your husband and put everything behind you after a rest and a holiday. However, you have taken a big step in helping yourself have some form of life after loss. That is as much as you can be expected to do.

    Love xx
     
  16. Mameeskye

    Mameeskye Registered User

    Aug 9, 2007
    1,669
    NZ
    Hi Janet

    I am glad that you were able to enjoy parts of your holiday.

    I don't find this stupid at all as something similar happened to me on my first school run after Mum died. The song they played at that time had not been heard on the radio for months "High" by the lighthouse family, but it had kept me going at the end of my Dad's life 10 years earlier and here it was as I started crying that morning.

    I think people do not realise what this takes out of you. I ahve ahd the same idiotic comments when having a few hours off from my twin sons after months of no break, after a weekend camping with my sons when my husband was too busy to join us just last weekend (and that came from my husband!!! :eek:), of people thinking that a week break with kids when you get a throat infection can set you up for anything when you return. I don't think that most realise that the exhaustion from caring and grief can take years to overcome and it is a surprise when you do start to have a day when you have energy again.

    Take your time, HAzel is right, if you didn't love so deeply you wouldn't hurt so much. It is the flip side to the love you have enjoyed. I know that I am glad to feel the pain for having had the relationship that caused it.

    LOve n hugs

    Mameeskye
     
  17. christine_batch

    christine_batch Registered User

    Jul 31, 2007
    3,388
    Buckinghamshire
    Dear Janet,
    I am so pleased that you went on the holiday with your Sister.
    Although Steve is no longer around, you carry him daily in your heart.
    When my eldest son and DIL took me away for 2 weeks last year, and I was coming up with all excuse why not to go.
    My Husband is in E.M.I. Unit and in the last stage and it was only when my son said "I would like to spend some time with you Mum" I could not refuse. My son is seriously ill and I am so glad that I went.
    There were things that had me in tears, that I knew Peter would have loved.
    We went into a pub by the Broads and in there was a karoake machine and boy after a few drinks, Peter loved to have a go.
    I turned to say there you are Peter your evening is made but it was my DIL behind me.
    Coming home to a empty house is a horrible experience.
    Take care of yourself.
    Best wishes
    Christine
     

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