Getting mum to accept care

[Livveywills]

I've finally after months of waiting got direct payments through for mum and have started to introduce care. Mum is so resistant to them coming in because they are not me.

Has anyone any thoughts as to how to perswade mum that it's a good idea. We've managed to get a pretty good amount of hours but I'm really worried that I'm going to have to give some of those hours back as mum is being so resistant.

I'm a terrible person who doesn't do anything for her and is never there for her - inspite of currently popping in several times a day to sort out her tv, do her washing, her shopping cook her dinners, she comes over to our house each day for dinner.

I'm so close to breaking point with working and looking after my 5 children and mum I just need her to accept some help so that I can have some time off

 

[Margarita]

My mother was the same in not wanting to except help from anyone but me .

So I told I needed the help to help me keep looking after mum helping her out , so in that way it's helping me also.
I had to do a lot of reassuring

I don't know how much cognitive comprehension your mum still have with her dementia, but I also told my mother I could not cope with it all, ( housework, cleaning, shopping, cooking, working, kids) that why having someone to help out was helping me also .

So I was putting all onto me rather then on my mother . If you get my point .

Maybe someone else will have more ideas

 

[Linbrusco]

Its a tough one.
My Mum is the one with Alzheimers and Dad has cognitive impairment.
They have been approved 1.5 hrs a week for housework.
Mum would agree to anything I say, do or organise, but Dad is the one who resists.
He says they can do it between them. In reality Mum does less and less, and Dad does what he can but has blinkers on so the whole house needs a good blimmin clean.

Yes I could do it ( they live behind me) , but I also have two teens, work part time and have a husband with health needs, pluse care for Mum ( and increasingly Dad) so feel I do enough.
With Mum I can just say the hospital arranged it for free, or Dr X has ordered it

What can you say to your Mum even if a lie, that would appeal most about having carers come in, or what would she take heed of??

My Mum told my sister the other day that I don't take her anywhere.
So far from the truth, I'm still laughing.

 

[little shettie]

Oh I can sympathise and I know exactly what you're going through. I went through the same with my mum. I didn't go down the direct payments route initially and it was such a nightmare as mum had so many carers coming in and out, none of them very old, not very well trained I say either and she was just so unaccepting of them I was at the end of my tether!! Then I took on direct payments and chose a local agency that seemed to know what mums needs were. The most important thing I found was continuity, the same carer. I managed to get this but then I found the carer was under so much time pressure with other clients she was rushing around and cutting corners and though mum liked her and she was good with mum, I wasn't completely satisfied with the service so, I searched and researched and found another agency who could supply one regular carer who coincidentally lives just around the corner. She comes 7 days a week, and is brilliant. This agency also only do a min of 1 hour and the carers have to stay for the hour. I also wanted to meet the carer before hand and ask her questions to ensure she was fully trained and the right person for mum. So far so good! My mum now lives with me hence she has one hour call per day for personal care, you may find it difficult if your mum has more calls per day, but I would keep searching for the right agency who can get a small team together to give you what your mum needs. Don't accept anything less and don't be afraid to speak up if things aren't as they should be. Good luck xx

 

[cairo mick]

I am also at this juncture. I care for my 85yr uncle who lives 100miles away. Due to his poor nutrition I now order meals on wheels so I know he is eating better than boiled root veg with half a tin of soup on the top. He has accepted this however still thinks his cooking was better. Having obtained attendance allowance I have now arranged for carers to go in twice a week - to change his bed, do the washing, clean the fridge, pop some medication on his legs and run the hoover around, clean the bathroom. The house although tidy is dirty and has thread bare carpets and wallpaper stuck up with sellotape, but I have managed to make the lounge liveable with a new carpet and wallpaper - also chucking out the broken Twin Tub that sat there and he swore he used. The carers are due to start tomorrow yet he says to me he is quite capable - however - he doesn't clean - (his hoover was blocked and the fan belt broken - which I have now fixed) and has bathroom is dire - because he chooses not to see dirt. I visit between once a fortnight and once a month a good chunk of this is spent cleaning. So I have told him I'm not cleaning any more and the attendance allowance isn't just to sit and accrue in his bank account but to give him a helping hand. He is being quite difficult and I am hoping that he will just put up with it as opposed to stopping them coming in to the house. He has refused point blank to go to a day care centre and the only person he sees daily is the lady that delivers his dinner - yet he tells me repeatedly that he is not anti-social. I suspect his mental health - notwithstanding Alzheimers - is failing as he has full blown conversations with my dead grandmother whilst I am there. He occasionally threatens suicide when something happens that he doesn't like. He has been quite unpleasant to myself - swearing at me and making inappropriate comments. However he has no-one else and I cannot walk away.

 

[Apple33]

Hi Cairo Mick,

I'm sorry, I can't offer you any advice - I'm new to this myself. I hope there are some experienced forum members who can help you out.

I've also joined this forum for advice on helping a person with dementia to accept support - in this case, my stepmother. I did, however, read something that suggested to choose your battles wisely. In other words, if it is the way they want things, and it is unlikely to do them harm, then it is probably best left alone. I felt that was helpful.

All the best,

Apple33

 

[canary]

Hello @cairo mick and welcome to Talking Point.

Im afraid that everything that you have described is normal in dementia: The hallucinations, nastiness, inability to see things that need doing, certainty that they are still doing everything when they are obviously not - everything. Its what happens with dementia.

Its no use trying to use logic and reasoning, it just doesnt work with dementia. The best thing to do is just organise things like you did with the Meals on Wheels. My OH has carers to help him and he puts up with them, even though he is convinced that he doesnt need help. Choose your battles and make sure that he is safe and properly fed, but dont worry about things like the decor.

 

[Apple33]

Dear forum,

My stepmother has early stage dementia and on the surface seems to be managing well. However my father (90) used to manage the food and shopping, but can't do this now. Although willing, my stepmother is not coping with the food and shopping sufficiently well to keep them healthy. My father recently went into hospital with malnutrition and dehydration, and my stepmother loses track of the age of things in the fridge and is reheating things that are a food poisoning risk.

I have brought in a caregiver for one 2-hour visit per week, with my father's consent, however my stepmother is very resistant. The caregiver's task is to complete an online supermarket shop and check the fridge for out of date items. Some visits have gone well but others not so well. On bad visits my stepmother is positively rude to the caregiver. She believes she can cope perfectly well and that her job is being taken away from her.

My heart goes out to my stepmother. She has this distressing diagnosis to come to terms with, and her life as a capable adult feels like it's slipping away from her. It has been possible to reason with her about the need for the carer, but because of her memory problems, this doesn't last.

I believe this is a case where they will be at risk of harm if they don't have support, so am persevering. But I would be very grateful if anyone has any ideas about how I can help my stepmother accept support, without making her more distressed.

Also, I'd be very grateful if anyone has any practical advice about how to help someone with dementia to keep track of the age of food in the fridge. The caregiver has been allowed to discard things with use-by dates but my stepmother insists that leftovers in pots and jars have only just been cooked.

Thanks for any advice or experience you can offer.

Apple33

 

[canary]

Hello @Apple33 and welcome to Talking Point too

It sounsd to me as though your mum is no longer able to deal with food - shopping, planning meals, checking on out of date food, cooking, dealing with the leftovers.......... It all very complex and I dont think your mum can remember enough to do it any more. Rather than trying to enable her cooking, I would organise Meals on Wheels. You will probably have to use love lies to get her to accept this. When someone with dementia is no longer able to understand the reality of their situation, its no good trying to reason with them - you have to come up with a "reason" that they will accept, even if in reality, its not true.

 

[cairo mick]

Dear forum,

My stepmother has early stage dementia and on the surface seems to be managing well. However my father (90) used to manage the food and shopping, but can't do this now. Although willing, my stepmother is not coping with the food and shopping sufficiently well to keep them healthy. My father recently went into hospital with malnutrition and dehydration, and my stepmother loses track of the age of things in the fridge and is reheating things that are a food poisoning risk.

I have brought in a caregiver for one 2-hour visit per week, with my father's consent, however my stepmother is very resistant. The caregiver's task is to complete an online supermarket shop and check the fridge for out of date items. Some visits have gone well but others not so well. On bad visits my stepmother is positively rude to the caregiver. She believes she can cope perfectly well and that her job is being taken away from her.

My heart goes out to my stepmother. She has this distressing diagnosis to come to terms with, and her life as a capable adult feels like it's slipping away from her. It has been possible to reason with her about the need for the carer, but because of her memory problems, this doesn't last.

I believe this is a case where they will be at risk of harm if they don't have support, so am persevering. But I would be very grateful if anyone has any ideas about how I can help my stepmother accept support, without making her more distressed.

Also, I'd be very grateful if anyone has any practical advice about how to help someone with dementia to keep track of the age of food in the fridge. The caregiver has been allowed to discard things with use-by dates but my stepmother insists that leftovers in pots and jars have only just been cooked.

Thanks for any advice or experience you can offer.

Apple33

similar situation - As canary said - order meals on wheels - the ones that get delivered hot to the door - some of the companies also do a sandwich to accompany them. For tea/supper - get food that lasts a long time - ryvita, tubs of butter, cheese, tinned fish - cake, biscuits. Getting around milk might be a bit trickier - maybe move to dried milk or evaporated milk.
My uncle was incredibly difficult and truly believes his diet of boiled root veg with Half a tin of soup over the top was enough. When covid arrived I told him not to leave the house until it had died down and and his stuff delivered, then moved to meals on wheels. It also adds a little bit of socialisation into their lives. I don't think he would in all honesty go back to his veg and soup diet - but he is insistent it was better.

If she cant order her own food then the ball is in your court - order the meals on wheels and don't fill the fridge with items that go off quickly.