Getting mum to accept care

Discussion in 'I care for a person with dementia' started by Livveywills, Sep 30, 2015.

  1. Livveywills

    Livveywills Registered User

    Jul 11, 2015
    I've finally after months of waiting got direct payments through for mum and have started to introduce care. Mum is so resistant to them coming in because they are not me.

    Has anyone any thoughts as to how to perswade mum that it's a good idea. We've managed to get a pretty good amount of hours but I'm really worried that I'm going to have to give some of those hours back as mum is being so resistant.

    I'm a terrible person who doesn't do anything for her and is never there for her - inspite of currently popping in several times a day to sort out her tv, do her washing, her shopping cook her dinners, she comes over to our house each day for dinner.

    I'm so close to breaking point with working and looking after my 5 children and mum I just need her to accept some help so that I can have some time off
  2. Margarita

    Margarita Registered User

    Feb 17, 2006
    #2 Margarita, Sep 30, 2015
    Last edited: Sep 30, 2015
    My mother was the same in not wanting to except help from anyone but me .

    So I told I needed the help to help me keep looking after mum helping her out , so in that way it's helping me also.
    I had to do a lot of reassuring

    I don't know how much cognitive comprehension your mum still have with her dementia, but I also told my mother I could not cope with it all, ( housework, cleaning, shopping, cooking, working, kids) that why having someone to help out was helping me also .

    So I was putting all onto me rather then on my mother . If you get my point .

    Maybe someone else will have more ideas :)
  3. Linbrusco

    Linbrusco Registered User

    Mar 4, 2013
    Auckland...... New Zealand
    Its a tough one.
    My Mum is the one with Alzheimers and Dad has cognitive impairment.
    They have been approved 1.5 hrs a week for housework.
    Mum would agree to anything I say, do or organise, but Dad is the one who resists.
    He says they can do it between them. In reality Mum does less and less, and Dad does what he can but has blinkers on so the whole house needs a good blimmin clean.

    Yes I could do it ( they live behind me) , but I also have two teens, work part time and have a husband with health needs, pluse care for Mum ( and increasingly Dad) so feel I do enough.
    With Mum I can just say the hospital arranged it for free, or Dr X has ordered it :)

    What can you say to your Mum even if a lie, that would appeal most about having carers come in, or what would she take heed of??

    My Mum told my sister the other day that I don't take her anywhere.
    So far from the truth, I'm still laughing. :) :rolleyes:
  4. little shettie

    little shettie Registered User

    Nov 10, 2009
    Oh I can sympathise and I know exactly what you're going through. I went through the same with my mum. I didn't go down the direct payments route initially and it was such a nightmare as mum had so many carers coming in and out, none of them very old, not very well trained I say either and she was just so unaccepting of them I was at the end of my tether!! Then I took on direct payments and chose a local agency that seemed to know what mums needs were. The most important thing I found was continuity, the same carer. I managed to get this but then I found the carer was under so much time pressure with other clients she was rushing around and cutting corners and though mum liked her and she was good with mum, I wasn't completely satisfied with the service so, I searched and researched and found another agency who could supply one regular carer who coincidentally lives just around the corner. She comes 7 days a week, and is brilliant. This agency also only do a min of 1 hour and the carers have to stay for the hour. I also wanted to meet the carer before hand and ask her questions to ensure she was fully trained and the right person for mum. So far so good! My mum now lives with me hence she has one hour call per day for personal care, you may find it difficult if your mum has more calls per day, but I would keep searching for the right agency who can get a small team together to give you what your mum needs. Don't accept anything less and don't be afraid to speak up if things aren't as they should be. Good luck xx

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