Friends denial advice

Ebmb

New member
Dec 3, 2023
4
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Hello, I’m new here - my mum was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s earlier this year. I tried to look after her at home with the help of a carer but it was too much and she became very depressed. Luckily we found a great care home nearby that she moved into a couple of months ago - self referred. My mum loves it there but she does have wobbly days and is in denial a lot. The problem is, 2 of her close friends decided to visit her yesterday without telling me, have then put thoughts in her head like coming back home and I’m now worried about what they’ll do next. I kept them abreast of mums diagnosis etc every step along the way but they’re in denial themselves and accused me of gaslighting mum last year and even wrote a document about it which they still have. They don’t have any legal responsibility and only I have power of attorney but is there anything they could do to stop my mum being at the care home or change her care package please? Thank you
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
24,699
0
South coast
Hello @Ebmb

These sound like dangerous friends
What they could do is persuade your mum that she would like to move back home. If she expressed this wish and she was found to have capacity, neither you nor the care home could prevent this.

I would talk to the care home manager about this and see if they have any suggestions. The nuclear decision would be to prevent them from visiting, but it seems a shame to deprive your mum of their company. Would they listen to the care home manager if they explained your mums limitations?
 

Ebmb

New member
Dec 3, 2023
4
0
Hello @Ebmb

These sound like dangerous friends
What they could do is persuade your mum that she would like to move back home. If she expressed this wish and she was found to have capacity, neither you nor the care home could prevent this.

I would talk to the care home manager about this and see if they have any suggestions. The nuclear decision would be to prevent them from visiting, but it seems a shame to deprive your mum of their company. Would they listen to the care home manager if they explained your mums limitations?
Hi,

Thank you so much for this, yes this is my concern too and was thinking of having a chat with the manager. After the friends’ visit yesterday my mum was coming out with things she hadn’t said before like thinking she could come back home once a month for the day (I live in her house) and of course said yes so she’s not distressed but said in the new year. The home are applying for DoLs but so far she was deemed low risk as she isn’t trying to escape or pack to leave and she does love the care home. Trust me, I’d like to make sure these friends don’t visit mum again but she would be upset if she didn’t see them. I shall talk to the home manager, thank you so much for your advice
 

jugglingmum

Registered User
Jan 5, 2014
7,050
0
Chester
This happened with a friends mum. Not only did they tell his mum they couldn't understand why she was in the home, they bombarded my friend with messages as well.

Unfortunately the care home did have to ban them from visiting as it unsettled his mum so much. My friends nephew also gave them a piece of his mind.

(Friend has mild learning difficulties and was struggling with it)
 

Ebmb

New member
Dec 3, 2023
4
0
This happened with a friends mum. Not only did they tell his mum they couldn't understand why she was in the home, they bombarded my friend with messages as well.

Unfortunately the care home did have to ban them from visiting as it unsettled his mum so much. My friends nephew also gave them a piece of his mind.

(Friend has mild learning difficulties and was struggling with it)
Oh good god, I’m glad the care home took action to protect your friend’s mum - just can’t understand these people.. thank you so much for your advice
 

jugglingmum

Registered User
Jan 5, 2014
7,050
0
Chester
In friends' mum's case, she had vascular dementia, so no memory issues, and pretty lucid much of the time.

But when she wasn't lucid........................... particularly sundowning, and night time wandering with no idea what she was doing.

Friend was muddling through, but went on holiday with live in care in place, arranged by nephew, after 2 days, live in carer said the mum needed to be in a home, so nephew arranged emergency respite in a home in a neighbouring town, as choice limited when an emergency.

Friend's mum settled in care ok, but her friend's missed her and didn't like the half hour journey to visit so also wanted her moved to a nearer care home. As friend said - he was pleased she was settled so why move her.
 

Lawson58

Registered User
Aug 1, 2014
4,238
0
Victoria, Australia
Hello, I’m new here - my mum was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s earlier this year. I tried to look after her at home with the help of a carer but it was too much and she became very depressed. Luckily we found a great care home nearby that she moved into a couple of months ago - self referred. My mum loves it there but she does have wobbly days and is in denial a lot. The problem is, 2 of her close friends decided to visit her yesterday without telling me, have then put thoughts in her head like coming back home and I’m now worried about what they’ll do next. I kept them abreast of mums diagnosis etc every step along the way but they’re in denial themselves and accused me of gaslighting mum last year and even wrote a document about it which they still have. They don’t have any legal responsibility and only I have power of attorney but is there anything they could do to stop my mum being at the care home or change her care package please? Thank you
I don’t live in UK so can’t offer any advice about care packages etc. However, I think you need to round up these two very unhelpful friends and tell them that if they continue this sort of chat when with your mum, you will have them banned. I don’t know if you can do that or not but if you are very stern and sound as if you know what you are talking about, they might back off.

It would be sad for your mum not to have her friends visit but they need to understand that it’s on your terms. They are a pair of old busybodies who don’t know how to be a nice friend with your mum.
 

MaNaAk

Registered User
Jun 19, 2016
11,612
0
Essex
Hello, I’m new here - my mum was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s earlier this year. I tried to look after her at home with the help of a carer but it was too much and she became very depressed. Luckily we found a great care home nearby that she moved into a couple of months ago - self referred. My mum loves it there but she does have wobbly days and is in denial a lot. The problem is, 2 of her close friends decided to visit her yesterday without telling me, have then put thoughts in her head like coming back home and I’m now worried about what they’ll do next. I kept them abreast of mums diagnosis etc every step along the way but they’re in denial themselves and accused me of gaslighting mum last year and even wrote a document about it which they still have. They don’t have any legal responsibility and only I have power of attorney but is there anything they could do to stop my mum being at the care home or change her care package please? Thank you
Dear @Ebmb,

I don't think they can do anything but as others have said do inform the care home manageress. Also I think these friends should know that your mum was on 'host' mode when they saw her the same as when dad saw me.

MaNaAk
 

Ellie2018

Registered User
Jun 26, 2023
126
0
Hello, I’m new here - my mum was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s earlier this year. I tried to look after her at home with the help of a carer but it was too much and she became very depressed. Luckily we found a great care home nearby that she moved into a couple of months ago - self referred. My mum loves it there but she does have wobbly days and is in denial a lot. The problem is, 2 of her close friends decided to visit her yesterday without telling me, have then put thoughts in her head like coming back home and I’m now worried about what they’ll do next. I kept them abreast of mums diagnosis etc every step along the way but they’re in denial themselves and accused me of gaslighting mum last year and even wrote a document about it which they still have. They don’t have any legal responsibility and only I have power of attorney but is there anything they could do to stop my mum being at the care home or change her care package please? Thank you
It sounds like this might not work but could you have a conversation with them, perhaps at an arranged time at the home and get support to explain hosting and the after effects of their comments. They might be trying to be kind to her but in the end they are harming her. They should understand they are seeing a snapshot and not the times when she is anxious and agitated. If the home can’t do it with yiu, coukd they give you the things to raise. Good luck, it’s so hard having people thinking they know what’s best when they aren’t there for very long.
 

Ebmb

New member
Dec 3, 2023
4
0
It sounds like this might not work but could you have a conversation with them, perhaps at an arranged time at the home and get support to explain hosting and the after effects of their comments. They might be trying to be kind to her but in the end they are harming her. They should understand they are seeing a snapshot and not the times when she is anxious and agitated. If the home can’t do it with yiu, coukd they give you the things to raise. Good luck, it’s so hard having people thinking they know what’s best when they aren’t there for very long.
Thank you and everyone for your advice. I chatted to the home today and told them some of the comments the friends had made to my mum - the staff were as concerned as I was so for now, if the friends visit again, the home is going to ring me so I can go there and make sure my mum isn’t left alone with them plus staff are on alert too. Thanks all
 

Ellie2018

Registered User
Jun 26, 2023
126
0
Thank you and everyone for your advice. I chatted to the home today and told them some of the comments the friends had made to my mum - the staff were as concerned as I was so for now, if the friends visit again, the home is going to ring me so I can go there and make sure my mum isn’t left alone with them plus staff are on alert too. Thanks all
That’s a great outcome. People often don’t realise the harm they are doing until experts point it out. Good luck.