Feeling guilty

[Anniefran]

Last night I lost my temper with my husband and I am so ashamed and guilty. I shouted at him and pushed him.
This isn't how a carer should be, especially to someone you have loved for 50+ years. What is happening to me?
I think I'm turning into a horrible selfish monster.
I feel so angry.
I'm in my room just now and he is talking to himself downstairs.
I will pray tonight for more patience and try to keep strong.
Lots of love to you all xxx

 

[Buntie123]

Last night I lost my temper with my husband and I am so ashamed and guilty. I shouted at him and pushed him.
This isn't how a carer should be, especially to someone you have loved for 50+ years. What is happening to me?
I think I'm turning into a horrible selfish monster.
I feel so angry.
I'm in my room just now and he is talking to himself downstairs.
I will pray tonight for more patience and try to keep strong.
Lots of love to you all xxx

I know x the anger is real hard to contain sonetines We are caring. And grieving your partner and your planned future all at the same time x. Add on loneliness and being woken up many times xx. Big hugs

 

[SAP]

@Anniefran , you are not a horrible selfish monster, you are dealing with an impossible situation that breaks so many of us. Maybe what you need other than more patience is a break. I know this is easier said than down but have you thought about asking for him to be assessed by social services?

 

[Lawson58]

Frustration is often a bedfellow of guilt and when you are stressed and exhausted, it doesn’t take much to tip you over the edge. So frustration got the better of you and now the guilt kicks in.

If someone tells you they have never lost their temper and erupted while caring for a person with dementia, then they are the most sainted person on earth. We have all done it and we have all regretted too but that’s no reason to feel guilty.

We all spit the dummy once in awhile and it is usually an indication that you need help, not for him but for you. You have been together a long time so not exactly spring chickens and I know I get tired quite often. Any chance of getting s bit respite?

 

[Sadlady]

Last night I lost my temper with my husband and I am so ashamed and guilty. I shouted at him and pushed him.
This isn't how a carer should be, especially to someone you have loved for 50+ years. What is happening to me?
I think I'm turning into a horrible selfish monster.
I feel so angry.
I'm in my room just now and he is talking to himself downstairs.
I will pray tonight for more patience and try to keep strong.
Lots of love to you all xxx

Hi Anniefran-I feel exactly the same. I have turned into a bossy person which is exactly the sort of person I don't like. I lose my temper and despite saying to myself 'don't-you'll regret it' I go ahead. On this forum you'll find we've all been there and find it hard to forgive ourselves. I say to myself-and my OH when I apologise to him-'I'm frustrated with the nature of the disease and angry with the system that ignores us carers' and also that I am upset because I care. I also remind myself of all that I do that is good: not just for him but for others too. We all need to give ourselves a break now and again.

 

[Imzardi]

I lost my temper with my mom. She has got into a habit where if anything is in a packet she has to open it. You can go shopping put everything away and if you don't watch her she's into the cupboards opening everything. The amount of food I've thrown because I've found it's been opened and put back in the cupboards. What's frustrating is I work from home so you would think I'd catch her but she is so sneeky then accuses me of doing it.
Today I've only got 15min break all day and sure enough she's opened cakes, bread, chocolate and I just lost it shouting at her.
I know she can't help it. I do everything in the house and I know in her mind she's trying to help, but I'm just so exhausted, she has developed incontinence now as well.
But today is the first day I had to walk away as my temper got the better of me.
Now I feel terrible and just want to cry x

 

[SeaSwallow]

I lost my temper with my mom. She has got into a habit where if anything is in a packet she has to open it. You can go shopping put everything away and if you don't watch her she's into the cupboards opening everything. The amount of food I've thrown because I've found it's been opened and put back in the cupboards. What's frustrating is I work from home so you would think I'd catch her but she is so sneeky then accuses me of doing it.
Today I've only got 15min break all day and sure enough she's opened cakes, bread, chocolate and I just lost it shouting at her.
I know she can't help it. I do everything in the house and I know in her mind she's trying to help, but I'm just so exhausted, she has developed incontinence now as well.
But today is the first day I had to walk away as my temper got the better of me.
Now I feel terrible and just want to cry x

Hello @Imzardi and welcome to Talking Point. We are all just human and it is not surprising that we lose patience at times. When that happens I just try to do better next time.
I wonder if child proof locks on the cupboard doors would help, that way your mum could not get at the packages.
As far as the incontinence issues are concerned it might be useful to discuss that with your mums GP

 

[Bunpoots]

Welcome from me too @Imzardi (I’m guessing, by your user name, that you may be a fellow Star Trek fan)

I feel for you. We’ve all had those days!

I found the “helping” one of the most frustrating things to deal with along with incontinence. I found the latter became easier on the days my dads agreed to wear pull-ups but getting him to agree was a challenge to say the least!

 

[Galloping grannie]

Welcome, we’ve all been there. Whilst I haven’t had any respite, we have just been on a few days holiday. It was worth the effort involved, and yes it was a lot of effort. It wasn’t without challenges, but they were different challenges from home, and less of them. I have definitely come back more relaxed, and hopefully , better able to cope.

 

[Redhed36]

So good to read these comments, my Dad now lives with me and I sometimes get so frustrated and tell him off, he is very verbally reactive and will after a spat will just sulk for 2 or 3 hours. I feel awful for how I make him feel but I also think that sometimes it can be behavioural with him as opposed to dementia driven. He has always been very defiant, controlling etc.
I have now managed to source one day a week at a daycare centre run by Age UK and I think this helps us both.
I get very upset sometimes because I know that I can be reactive and should just walk away for the situation, it is very hard! I feel better reading all of these comments x

 

[Worried Deb]

Last night I lost my temper with my husband and I am so ashamed and guilty. I shouted at him and pushed him.
This isn't how a carer should be, especially to someone you have loved for 50+ years. What is happening to me?
I think I'm turning into a horrible selfish monster.
I feel so angry.
I'm in my room just now and he is talking to himself downstairs.
I will pray tonight for more patience and try to keep strong.
Lots of love to you all xxx

 

[Worried Deb]

I feel the same emotions. I love my husband ( my best friend ) so much. Day to day life is challenging. All my hopes for our future retirement have gone and it makes me feel resentful. Sometimes I don’t like the way I react to the pressure. We all just do our best…

 

[Grannie G]

We all just do our best…

Our best is good enough.

 

[Chizz]

Hi,
We can only do what we can do. There's enormous emotional investment in the caring relationship. No apology needed for being human, having emotions, etc. It's the strong wish to care, protect and help the PWD that brings the frustration and guilt. You're no longer dealing with the LO you knew, but with dementia that has a lot of twists and turns along the way.

We're all doing the best we can, and as @Grannie G says "our best is good enough"

Every carer needs breaks along the way, to refresh yourself to be able to carry on. Even 30 minutes walk round the block, or gardening, or a long soak or a phone call to a friend.

As to incontinence, get a GP referral or Adult Social Services referral to the "incontinence nurse" who can prescribe the equipment needed, whether bedcovers, adult nappies, over pants, etc. To change a PWD is not easy, especially if they resist. I can't lift my wife on my own, so had to start having carers coming in to help - which was and is a relief for me.

 

[TeamRoddo]

Last night I lost my temper with my husband and I am so ashamed and guilty. I shouted at him and pushed him.
This isn't how a carer should be, especially to someone you have loved for 50+ years. What is happening to me?
I think I'm turning into a horrible selfish monster.
I feel so angry.
I'm in my room just now and he is talking to himself downstairs.
I will pray tonight for more patience and try to keep strong.
Lots of love to you all xxx

I can only imagine your distress but I am sure that it is quite "normal" having these experiences.

 

[TeamRoddo]

I can only imagine your distress but I am sure that it is quite "normal" having these experiences.

 

[scotlass]

don't feel guilty....you feel you are losing the person you knew, you are not a monster...I look at the man I've been married to for 55 years...and wonder where that person has gone,,,other times he is right there beside me...it's this horrible disease that robs us .tonight we watched tv and had a couple of glasses of wine and everything was fine. but who knows what tomorrow will bring....

 

[Donk1]

But how can we not snap sometimes…Thinking of youx