Feeling dreadful...bad visit and lost my patience

Bessieb

Registered User
Jun 2, 2014
108
So for the second day running I've popped in for a coffee and chat with my parents in their CH and the visit has gone badly.

After a couple of settled weeks my Dad has suddenly become hugely agitated again about their house, money, when they are going home. It's like the Spanish inquisition with some very bizarre questions thrown in and I've tried to answer vaguely and distract as much as possible with general conversation and chit chat but today was just too much. My Dad was shouting and questioning really intensely and in the end I lost my patience and just laid it on the line a bit too much.... told him that he had health care needs (which he has no recognition of) that need 24 hour supervision and that they have the rooms at the CH indefinitely. At which point my Mum got really upset and my Dad couldn't understand what I was on about so just started shouting at me more. Awful.

I did recover the situation a bit with distraction but I could tell they were both hugely confused (as they'd questioned me about location again ...and I'd told them they were near me and not near their home thinking it would help but it clearly didn't) and a bit upset. They are also convinced that someone else is living in their house and this is distressing them (although I've tried to reassure them that this is not the case)

So I've left feeling really rubbish.....for the second day running. I so hope he isn't shouty and ranty with the CH staff....or with my Mum when I'm not there.

Sorry I'm just venting really...and feeling dreadful for losing my patience with him when he is clearly so confused. I just don't know how to diffuse the situation when he is asking me all the direct questions but in such a illogical way. :(:(
 

ellejay

Registered User
Jan 28, 2011
4,018
Essex
Hi Bessieb, I am sorry you're feeling rubbish, but you shouldn't you know. We all tread this minefield the best way we can, with no instruction manual & no map. It's an unstable minefield at that.

If someone had any physical illness, we wouldn't expect to become an expert, so why do we think we can know the answers with dementia?

I no longer try to provide reasons or answers for things my mum asks. I've shifted more into the " Well, I'm not sure, but I'll try to find out for you" camp.

I've accepted I can't fix it, I can't make it better & I can't give answers she would find satisfactory, so I do the best I can & that has to be enough.

Be kind to yourself,

Lin x
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
11,303
South coast
Dont feel badly. You are only human and most of us when faced with the Spanish Inquisition would crack too :(

Oh the questions........ So difficult when you cant explain things as anything you say is wrong. Like ellejay, I go for vague answers.
Might I suggest that you dont visit for a couple of days? It sounds awful, but sometimes although they cant remember the incident they remember the emotion from the incident and that can trigger the same behaviour next time he sees you - and you said that its been like this two days running. A bit of a gap might break the association.
I would also ask the CH if hes been checked for an infection in case this is the reason why he is suddenly more confused.
 

looviloo

Registered User
May 3, 2015
463
Cheshire
Just wanted to send you a big {hug}. It's hugely difficult and very draining, but you're obviously doing your best and that's all we can do. My dad talked about his house over and over and over and over... and still does sometimes but it's getting less often. Wanting to go home, wanting to know how it looks, how's the car??? And so on. It has driven me to my wits end at times, and I'm guilty of snapping, because try as we might the love lies and distraction don't always work. Sometimes they do, but not always.

I eventually accepted that dad just saw me as the 'baddy' since I was the one making decisions, but as time's gone on it has got easier. Also, he's a model resident when I'm not there, so hopefully that's what's happening with your parents too. Can you talk to the care home manager and hopefully get some reassurance from them?

Just know that you're doing brilliantly in a very stressful situation :)
 

Candlelight 67

Registered User
Nov 4, 2013
167
West Sussex
You have my sympathy. They will settle down and perhaps tomorrow will be a happier visit. All of you have been through a big upheaval with moving etc.

I can sympathize because I put the phone down on my Mother this morning. She was going on about her Storage Heaters. Nothing works in her flat according to her. She forgotten all about it later on though.
 

Witzend

Registered User
Aug 29, 2007
4,291
SW London
Please don't feel bad, though that's all too easy to say, I know. It's so very hard when someone has no insight into their condition and cannot accept the need for care. I also lost it with my mother once, not long after she went into her CH, and not for the first time was angrily accusing of putting her there because we were all after her money, she was cutting us all out of her will, etc. etc. I know I more or less shouted at her - had she ANY idea how much this place cost?? If we were after her money we'd have left her at home where she couldn't even make herself a cup of tea, etc.

But her short term memory was such that I'm sure she forgot it all very quickly - I suppose I was aware of that at the time. I hope you will find the same, and not feel too bad for long.
 

Bessieb

Registered User
Jun 2, 2014
108
Thank you all. I am taking my Dad to a hospital appointment tomorrow morning and then I'm away for the weekend and I think it's probably good timing. I think you might be right canary that they might need a couple of days to settle down again (hoping that they do anyway!)
It is so stressful and I just want them to be as happy as they can be and not distressed. Supporting them emotionally is proving to be the toughest bit of the process of moving to a CH so far. I'm OK dealing with the practical stuff but the emotional stuff is very draining.

I've always had a very open and honest relationship with my parents and the adjustment to being vague and the 'love lies' is hard. I suppose I'm wanting them to suddenly say 'yes you are right, we need care and this is a great place' but I know that that is never going happen and I'm going to have to adjust to that. And the reality is that they may well not remember our conversations over the last two days...whereas I do and that's hard.

Thanks again all..great advice once again x
 

Quilty

Registered User
Aug 28, 2014
1,051
GLASGOW
Your hopefully right that your parents will have forgotten all about it when you see them. Put on a big smile and pretend you dont either. It might work.
I lost it one time my mum started a big list of who is dead, when did they die and what did they die of. I could not take it. We are only human but i felt really bad.
 

marymary1898

Registered User
Hi Bessieb,
Please, try not to feel bad. It is what it is and we do our best.
Not the same situation but, just come back from a week away with mam (dementia), dad and my dd (suspected autism).
We did pretty well considering, but mam did fall out with me once. Dd had a meltdown and went to the bedroom, dad had gone for a lie down. Mam wanted to know where dd was and was she asleep. If she asked me once in 30 mins she asked me 20 times. I tried everything to distract her but nothing doing. Eventually I replied in a not very patient voice. Mam started shouting at me saying I had raised my voice to her etc.
She was in the huff with me the rest of the night and the next day. She told my dad I had fallen out with her but she couldn't remember why lol.
We do what we can and beyond, but we are human and have our own limits and frailties. As others have said, I think a few days apart will be good for all concerned. It will all be forgotten when you get back.

Enjoy your break
X