I have been ill lately, I think also a little depressed. When Mum went into a CH I felt relief. It didn't last long and then the doubt set in. It's been 8 weeks now and after taking Mum out for lunch today I feel worse. I've suddenly realised that instead of feeling better and accepting the situation I don't.
It hit me today when Mum had a few tears and didn't want to go back. She doesn't make a fuss or get angry, that's not my Mum. I'm lucky in a way that there is no aggression in her at this time. The last time, probably a few weeks back, that Mum asked where we were when we approached he door of the CH, I told her this is where you are staying, she understood. Today, in the same scenario, she didn't remember ever being there.
I beat myself up because I can't have Mum with me.
It was never meant to be this way.
I want to go back to that sunny Monday, the 3rd of July 2017.
Me, my husband, Mum and Dad, all packed up ready to go on our caravan holiday in Wareham, Dorset, a favourite place of ours. We always spent our holidays together. We spent all of our 40 years of marriage with my Mum and Dad at Christmas and every special event. Everywhere I go I remember them.
That day Dad became jaundiced and 4 weeks later, my darling, generous, gentle Dad died. I still can't believe it. He was playing old three times a week just before the holiday, how can it of happened? He was never ill, not even a headache.
My Dads gone, my Mum too in a way and now we have sold their home, furniture and possessions have been either put in a memory box or moved on to other family members and a lot has gone to the tip.
I'm still up as I cannot sleep. I think I'm alright but I'm not. The future is unknown and right now I'm worrying about Mum.
I listen to a conversation and miss half of it because I'm thinking of her.
Sorry, I don't know where that all came from but it's so good to get it out.
Thank you if you read it x
It hit me today when Mum had a few tears and didn't want to go back. She doesn't make a fuss or get angry, that's not my Mum. I'm lucky in a way that there is no aggression in her at this time. The last time, probably a few weeks back, that Mum asked where we were when we approached he door of the CH, I told her this is where you are staying, she understood. Today, in the same scenario, she didn't remember ever being there.
I beat myself up because I can't have Mum with me.
It was never meant to be this way.
I want to go back to that sunny Monday, the 3rd of July 2017.
Me, my husband, Mum and Dad, all packed up ready to go on our caravan holiday in Wareham, Dorset, a favourite place of ours. We always spent our holidays together. We spent all of our 40 years of marriage with my Mum and Dad at Christmas and every special event. Everywhere I go I remember them.
That day Dad became jaundiced and 4 weeks later, my darling, generous, gentle Dad died. I still can't believe it. He was playing old three times a week just before the holiday, how can it of happened? He was never ill, not even a headache.
My Dads gone, my Mum too in a way and now we have sold their home, furniture and possessions have been either put in a memory box or moved on to other family members and a lot has gone to the tip.
I'm still up as I cannot sleep. I think I'm alright but I'm not. The future is unknown and right now I'm worrying about Mum.
I listen to a conversation and miss half of it because I'm thinking of her.
Sorry, I don't know where that all came from but it's so good to get it out.
Thank you if you read it x