Family living together?

[RACWarwick]

Dear All,

My 80 year old mum has recently been diagnosed with moderate Alzheimers. She lives alone and currently is managing with short visits from carers during the week, but longer term my wife and I are considering becoming the main carer and moving into her house (which is larger than ours!) with our 2 kids, for as long as needed.

I would just be really interested in hearing from anyone with experience of this 3 generation idea, and whether it can work? The only other option I can envisage is a (expensive) care home.

Roy

 

[Dunroamin]

dont' do it!

 

[maggie6445]

Hi @RACWarwick , I'm sorry that your mum has been diagnosed with Alzheimer's. I know you'll want the best for her. In all honesty, I would think long and hard about moving your family in with her. As her dementia progresses meeting her needs will become all consuming and there will be little time for your family. Unfortunately some become aggressive, incontinent and wakeful at night. Do you think you and your family will be able to deal with this?
Dementia is progressive and today is the best she will be. Caring is exhausting, I don't have any one else to consider and I long to have my life back. Is this fair on your children?
Sorry, probably not what you were hoping to hear. You can still care for her by arranging carers and visits but you can control the time you spend. The more you do , the more social services will let you.
No doubt others will be along to give you their opinions.
My best wishes to you as you make your decision.

 

[Sarasa]

Hi @RACWarwick and welcome. @Dunroamin as always has good advice. The longer version of that would be to think very carefully before you do anything drastic. Dementia is a progressive illness, and though it might work for a short while soon your mother will want all your attention and that won't be fair on your children. I don't know how old they are, but my husband never really forgave his parents for moving house to accommodate her, and he was sixteen at the time.
I think if you are still keen go and spend a week or so there as a family and then have a serious family discussion about it.

 

[Gosling]

Firstly hello @RACWarwick and welcome to this friendly and supportive forum. Members here really do want to help, and share their experience of dementia.
All I would advise is have a long long and hard think about all moving in together. Your intentions are wonderful, to care and support for your elderly Mother, but the reality is it will become all consuming. Now is the best your Mother will be - and in the not too far distance , her care needs will just take over. You have your younger family to think of.
Please please think very very carefully.

 

[SeaSwallow]

Hello @RACWarwick and welcome to the Dementia Support Forum. i would agree with the comments made by @maggie6445. Some of our members have in the past either moved into their loved ones home or alternatively had their loved ones move in with them. And so many of them have talked on here about how much they regret the move. Being responsible 24/7 for a person with dementia is totally exhausting. One of our members recently talked about how as a young teenager it had totally ruined his life when his grandfather moved into the family home.

 

[northumbrian_k]

Hi @RACWarwick and welcome from me too. My experience comes from looking after my wife rather than a parent but I think that the message would be the same in each case. Looking after someone with Alzheimer's Disease is unbelievably hard work and all-consuming. I retired early at age 59 but, despite being fit and relatively young, I found the physical, emotional and mental stress very difficult. The person with dementia loses empathy for others and becomes self-absorbed. This affects relationships between the person and their adult carers and will have a negative effect on children. Others here can say more about that.

Moving in to look after your Mum may seem like a potentially good solution for all but may turn out to be something substantially worse than one could imagine. You really do need to know just what might be entailed and make a decision based on what will be best for everyone. I would second what @Dunroamin says.

 

[Rosettastone57]

Please don't do this. The forum has many posts from members who have moved in with or had parents move in who have realised they have made a terrible mistake. Everything and I mean everything will revolve around the person with dementia. Your mother won't be able to left for a moment. Just don't.

 

[RACWarwick]

Thanks everyone for the replies. They have been really helpful and show the kind of caring people you all are. Best wishes

 

[SAP]

Yes a care home is expensive but what is the cost of your own life and peace of mind. There are already several posts here expressing the huge difficulties that can be faced when choosing to live alongside someone with dementia. The strain it can put on the family unit is massive and with children of any age involved could lead to all sorts of problems ( a good friend of mine did this with two kids around 10 and 12 and said it was the worst decision of her life)

 

[maggie6445]

Hi @RACWarwick, just as an additional thought. Would your mum really want your family life on hold?
My mum cared for my gran. I'd left home by then. Out of the blue 40 years ago mum told me that under no circumstances was I to move her in with me in old age. She said even if she was kicking and screaming I had to ignore her! She said she was telling me while she was in her right mind! My gran didn't have dementia but she knew the strain of caring.
Looking back I think that was a great act of love on her part.

 

[backin]

The other thing to bear in mind is financial

If you do this, what will you do with your house?
If you try it and it goes wrong you may find that you mums house will need to be sold to pay care home fees. You living there does not prevent this so be careful

 

[jugglingmum]

Thinking of moving dementia patient Dad in with our young family, looking for people with experience of this situation please

Afternoon all, My Dad is currently in his 5th year of a Vascular Dementia diagnosis following a stroke. I have been his main carer since 2019. He is 74 and his symptoms so far - cognitively, the thing he struggles with the most is not being able to understand numbers so cannot keep appointments...

forum.alzheimers.org.uk

This thread from earlier this year has more comments.

I'm another saying no. My kids were 12 and 8, mum was very early stages and stayed with us for 3 months as I had discovered her home wasn't habitable. Some filters had gone and she thought as grandma she was boss and could tell the children off. Mealtimes were difficult.

 

[SeaSwallow]

The other thing to bear in mind is financial

If you do this, what will you do with your house?
If you try it and it goes wrong you may find that you mums house will need to be sold to pay care home fees. You living there does not prevent this so be careful

Hello @backin and welcome to the Dementia Support Forum. I hope that you will find the forum supportive and please ask any questions that you might have. Our members have many years of experience of dementia in all of its forms.

 

[AutumnRigby]

Hi there,
As others have said, please don't. My mum lives with us and our two children, one she now dotes on and the other she appears to suddenly detest, constantly being detrimental towards him. It has completely destroyed their relationship and there is no escape for him at the.moment as he is not in a position to move.out and she is not ready for additional external care.

We are now in a position where we are desperate to move.mum on as she is destroying our family.

We love her dearly as you clearly do yours but please protect the relationship you have and your PWD have with your children

Best of luck