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Family feud mum has shunned us PLEASE HELP

StressedSon

Registered User
Oct 19, 2015
8
Please help Mum has had dementia for 6 or so years only been diagnosed 1 and half years ago. Myself and and my sister have been looking after her for years. 24 hour care began about 5 months ago when mum stared being scared to be on her own at all day or night which became fairly demanding, we are the youngest 2 of a big family which isnt very close, we have young families ourselves, but us two along with the next brother up have always been around mum on a daily basis, the older siblings wud call a couple of times a year maybe. A lot of stress was taking hold as we weren't getting any help from the others, and the more we seemed to do for mum the less and less gratefull she became. She was hiding money all over the house and becoming streesed wen she couldnt remember, the amount of times we found wads of notes was unbelievable, she became so suspicious of everyone and wouldnt speak for days. She began blaming me and my sister for the older ones not calling, prob easier to believe that than they just didn't care enough. Mum became really horrible. 4 months into 24 hour care a grand daughter of mums called who never so much as asked how she was in 4 years spent a few hours with mum, we left them to it as we needed the break, of course mum criticises us the whole time to her telling her were dictating evertything to her and not looking after her, the grand daughter knowing nothing about dementia takes this all on board like its all fact and begins telling me how rubbish a job were doing, with the stress of looking after mum and juggling my own two young children along with work I just blew my top, I completely lost it and told her where to go in mums house . Mum turned on me and told me she didnt want to see us again as my sister was there too. There was a couple of rows after that and mum has left her home, our family home and gone to live with a sister who rarely called to mums and says she doesn't want to see us again and that she's giving up her home,we're soo hurt and at a loss, we cant understand whats happened. All we wanted was a fair share of help and now we're not even part of mums life, PLEASE HELP, sorry for being so long winded but i've still missed out lot of detail
 

Chuggalug

Registered User
Mar 24, 2014
8,007
Norfolk
Please help Mum has had dementia for 6 or so years only been diagnosed 1 and half years ago. Myself and and my sister have been looking after her for years. 24 hour care began about 5 months ago when mum stared being scared to be on her own at all day or night which became fairly demanding, we are the youngest 2 of a big family which isnt very close, we have young families ourselves, but us two along with the next brother up have always been around mum on a daily basis, the older siblings wud call a couple of times a year maybe. A lot of stress was taking hold as we weren't getting any help from the others, and the more we seemed to do for mum the less and less gratefull she became. She was hiding money all over the house and becoming streesed wen she couldnt remember, the amount of times we found wads of notes was unbelievable, she became so suspicious of everyone and wouldnt speak for days. She began blaming me and my sister for the older ones not calling, prob easier to believe that than they just didn't care enough. Mum became really horrible. 4 months into 24 hour care a grand daughter of mums called who never so much as asked how she was in 4 years spent a few hours with mum, we left them to it as we needed the break, of course mum criticises us the whole time to her telling her were dictating evertything to her and not looking after her, the grand daughter knowing nothing about dementia takes this all on board like its all fact and begins telling me how rubbish a job were doing, with the stress of looking after mum and juggling my own two young children along with work I just blew my top, I completely lost it and told her where to go in mums house . Mum turned on me and told me she didnt want to see us again as my sister was there too. There was a couple of rows after that and mum has left her home, our family home and gone to live with a sister who rarely called to mums and says she doesn't want to see us again and that she's giving up her home,we're soo hurt and at a loss, we cant understand whats happened. All we wanted was a fair share of help and now we're not even part of mums life, PLEASE HELP, sorry for being so long winded but i've still missed out lot of detail
I did come in to read this a few moments ago, StressedSon, and am so incredibly sorry for your heartache.

You might just need to give things time to cool down. As care has been taken over by others in your family, they may well yet ask for more help. Stay open to that, and offer to help out if you like, if things become more difficult. Sadly, they will, as time goes by.

Has anyone got POA for either health or finances to cover your Mum's needs?
 

StressedSon

Registered User
Oct 19, 2015
8
I did come in to read this a few moments ago, StressedSon, and am so incredibly sorry for your heartache.

You might just need to give things time to cool down. As care has been taken over by others in your family, they may well yet ask for more help. Stay open to that, and offer to help out if you like, if things become more difficult. Sadly, they will, as time goes by.

Has anyone got POA for either health or finances to cover your Mum's needs?
Hello thanks for replying, its been almost 6 weeks now and nobodys really speaking, a lot of what we hear is through the grape vine, mum even hung the phone up today on my sister. I dont think we can reach out to mum any more, as every knock back hurts and we havn't got any energy left. We didnt get any legal things sorted as mum was too difficult and suspicious unfortunately, i knew mum was gone once she turned on us, I was her youngest, her blue eyed boy and we were always close. My mum of sound mind would never have wanted to be without me and my sister, maybe she wants to make up for lost time with the older children who rarely called i just dont know
 

Witzend

Registered User
Aug 29, 2007
4,291
SW London
Of course you are terribly upset - this is horrible for you. But I would bet almost anything that things will change soon. The sister who did so little before will very soon find out the realities of the situation, and what you both have been coping with. She will very likely get a very rude awakening. And dementia being what it is, your mum will quite likely start accusing her and the granddaughter of this and that, and you and your hands-on sister will be the 'goodies' again.
With dementia, it is very often those who are doing most of the caring and running around, who are the 'baddies' who get it in the neck. And the 'invisibles' (or nearly invisibles) as we call them on here, are the golden ones with the sun shining out of their orifices.
 
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StressedSon

Registered User
Oct 19, 2015
8
Of course you are terribly upset - this is horrible for you. But I would bet almost anything that things will improve soon. The sister who did so little before will very soon find out the realities of the situation, and what you both have been coping with. She will very likely get a very rude awakening. And dementia being what it is, your mum will quite likely start accusing her and the granddaughter of this and that, and you and your hands-on sister will be the 'goodies' again.
With dementia, it is very often those who are doing most of the caring and running around, who are the 'baddies' who get it in the neck. And the 'invisibles' (or nearly invisibles) as we call them on here, are the golden ones with the sun shining out of their orifices.
You got a smile there, thanks. The "invisable" in this case is looking down her nose at us, but she's really still in the honeymoon period. We had that when mum first became 24 hour, we were laughing and joking for months then she just seemed to get bored with us being around even though she didn't want to be on her own, its just a crazy situation mine and my sisters health is being affected aswell as our home lives as I'm sure anybody reading this can relate to
 

marionq

Registered User
Apr 24, 2013
6,034
Scotland
Step back. This is time to look after yourselves and your families. Whoever is looking after your Mum will be begging you to take her back eventually and she will see you in a different light too. With dementia nothing is what it seems for most of the time.

Enjoy the peace while it lasts.
 

Chuggalug

Registered User
Mar 24, 2014
8,007
Norfolk
Of course you are terribly upset - this is horrible for you. But I would bet almost anything that things will change soon. The sister who did so little before will very soon find out the realities of the situation, and what you both have been coping with. She will very likely get a very rude awakening. And dementia being what it is, your mum will quite likely start accusing her and the granddaughter of this and that, and you and your hands-on sister will be the 'goodies' again.
With dementia, it is very often those who are doing most of the caring and running around, who are the 'baddies' who get it in the neck. And the 'invisibles' (or nearly invisibles) as we call them on here, are the golden ones with the sun shining out of their orifices.
Brilliant comment, Witzend. I was thinking all that last night. Just didn't know how to say it.
 

Chemmy

Registered User
Nov 7, 2011
7,591
Yorkshire
I agree with the others. Think of it as respite, stop fretting (she's safe) and love your own little family to bits now you can spend the time with them instead.

I can imagine there are a few on here reading your story and wishing they were in your shoes right now, tbh.....;)
 

Mrsbusy

Registered User
Aug 15, 2015
355
Was going to say the same thing! Enjoy every moment you can right now, the freedom of being able to enjoy your own family, the freedom of knowing you aren't going to be interrupted on an evening out, a whole day out even! Savour every moment.

The dreaded phone call will come in the end o ask for your advice or help and when it does, even though I know you want your mums best interests sorted, don't jump straight back into the fire, take a reflective view in any options that the new carers want etc you have been doing it for years, it's easy to criticise others but dealing with AD isn't living the dream for carers as you know. So if help is needed from you its on your terms especially as I suspect in a few months time they will want to reverse their decision, then insist on their help on a regular basis.

But for now especially with half term coming up enjoy your family 24 hours a day!
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
11,664
South coast
I agree with everyone - in a short while she will have forgotten everything that she said and her new carers will become the focus of her agitation, paranoia and delusions.
In fact I suspect that its happening already and its just pride on the side of your sister that is stopping her contacting you.

It is a horrible stage, but it passes. I do hope that the rift can be healed, I suspect that desperation will propel her back to the family. Meanwhile, offer help to your sister "if she needs it" ;) and take time to rest and heal
 

Witzend

Registered User
Aug 29, 2007
4,291
SW London
, I was her youngest, her blue eyed boy and we were always close. My mum of sound mind would never have wanted to be without me and my sister, maybe she wants to make up for lost time with the older children who rarely called i just dont know
My mother would have denied to her dying breath ever having a favourite, but my brother - the one boy out of four - was certainly hers - he was the golden one. And he was always extremely good to her, but she still turned on him and was unbelievably nasty to him once dementia took a hold. He was most dreadfully upset - for the first time in my life - well, since he was very tiny - I heard my usually robust and very jolly brother sob his heart out over the phone. But the phase did pass, and of course our mother had soon forgotten whatever it was that made her be so horrible to him.

I have been reduced to tears, too, during the 'nasty' stage, so I know all too well how hard it is to tell yourself, 'It's the dementia - she can't help it,' when someone who was very close is being so awful to you. It is extremely painful. But these phases do usually pass and the person will very likely have forgotten them completely. You just have to try to remember that your old mum - the pre dementia mum - would never have behaved like that - it's the dementia-monster talking, and somewhere inside, the old mum still loves you just the same.
 
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fizzie

Registered User
Jul 20, 2011
2,730
Oh Witzend how true!! The second mother just doesn't behave like the first mother!! I hang on to number 1 Mum xx
 

Tin

Registered User
May 18, 2014
4,825
UK
Agree with everything that has been written here, she'll be back. Let the temporary carers do there bit, eyes wide shut! treat this time as respite.
 

StressedSon

Registered User
Oct 19, 2015
8
Mum had a kidney infection for some time before everything kicked off, she as on her fourth course of anti-biotics. A major reason she was extra difficult and critical of us.The infection cleared up a week after everyhing fell apart to whch the idiot looking after her now thinks she's the reason mums more settled. Not realising its because the infection has cleared. Just getting stuff off my chest now lol
 

Tray2283

Registered User
Oct 5, 2015
23
So sorry to hear your issues regarding your mum. Unfortunately there will always be family members who have no idea of the stress and time you give up to look after your loved ones, let alone understand the disease.
I to had an issue with one family member who made me feel so guilty that I wasn't doing enough, telling everyone she could. It spurred me into action& I have a care package in place& I have taken the stress away from myself& my dad. This particular family member(a cousin) is now banished as far as I'm concerned.
They have never walked in our shoes& have no idea of the pressure& effort we put in.
I have no time for negativity, so anyone that interferes, I just think, sod you. Good news is certain family members do support me.
You are doing a great job in difficult circumstances. Hope things work out for you& your mum x


Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point
 

Shedrech

Volunteer Moderator
Dec 15, 2012
8,808
Yorkshire
Ain't that just the way, Stressedson - you 2 do all the work; others take the credit.
But at least you know pretty much the reasons behind your mother's reactions - they are yet to learn!
But your mother IS being cared for, so I agree with other responders - use this time to recuperate. And maybe to discuss with your co-carer sister what your way forward will be when the call for help comes - as surely it will.
Maybe have a really good think about the level of care you were providing - sounds to me as though it was unsustainable in the long run - so look into alternatives including a care home. Then, when the call comes, you will be prepared.
I do, though, worry what is happening to your mother's house - and what will happen. Do you have keys? Are you able to check on it regularly?
And, being of a suspicious nature, would your mum now sign LPAs for other sister? Although you should be notified if this happens.
Maybe send a card to the sister and one to your mother, just simple 'thinking of you' and 'here when you want us' type stuff - nothing to get any backs up - and leave it at that. Might get torn up - might just be a gentle way back at some point.
Best wishes
 

StressedSon

Registered User
Oct 19, 2015
8
Ain't that just the way, Stressedson - you 2 do all the work; others take the credit.
But at least you know pretty much the reasons behind your mother's reactions - they are yet to learn!
But your mother IS being cared for, so I agree with other responders - use this time to recuperate. And maybe to discuss with your co-carer sister what your way forward will be when the call for help comes - as surely it will.
Maybe have a really good think about the level of care you were providing - sounds to me as though it was unsustainable in the long run - so look into alternatives including a care home. Then, when the call comes, you will be prepared.
I do, though, worry what is happening to your mother's house - and what will happen. Do you have keys? Are you able to check on it regularly?
And, being of a suspicious nature, would your mum now sign LPAs for other sister? Although you should be notified if this happens.
Maybe send a card to the sister and one to your mother, just simple 'thinking of you' and 'here when you want us' type stuff - nothing to get any backs up - and leave it at that. Might get torn up - might just be a gentle way back at some point.
Best wishes
Hi thanks for your time, the card and photo is a really good idea we may just do that. Could only be with mum as i as I'm done with the sister
Mums home is the closest thing we 3 youngest have to a family home we were in it every day our gathering point. The older ones were never in it so they have no emotional connection to it but it means a lot to us, what if mum takes strange and wants to go back to her home. They just keep saying mums making her own decisions. But when me and my sister were looking into respite a few months ago we were told mum wasnt capable of of making a decision like and that she didn't need....its like banging your head off a brick wall.
 

Spiro

Registered User
Mar 11, 2012
522
Agree with all the other comments. See your sibling taking over as respite for you and your sister.

But your mother IS being cared for, so I agree with other responders - use this time to recuperate. And maybe to discuss with your co-carer sister what your way forward will be when the call for help comes - as surely it will.
Maybe have a really good think about the level of care you were providing - sounds to me as though it was unsustainable in the long run - so look into alternatives including a care home. Then, when the call comes, you will be prepared.
I do, though, worry what is happening to your mother's house - and what will happen. Do you have keys? Are you able to check on it regularly?
My thoughts exactly. How far away does the sister your Mother is currently residing with live, and does she have children? My only concern is that if things don't work out, that she may try to wriggle out her new responsibilities; the last thing you need is a crisis over Christmas. Might be worth looking in to the legal situation, for the benefit of your sanity.

Keep posting, Talking Point is always here.
 

StressedSon

Registered User
Oct 19, 2015
8
Agree with all the other comments. See your sibling taking over as respite for you and your sister.



My thoughts exactly. How far away does the sister your Mother is currently residing with live, and does she have children? My only concern is that if things don't work out, that she may try to wriggle out her new responsibilities; the last thing you need is a crisis over Christmas. Might be worth looking in to the legal situation, for the benefit of your sanity.

Keep posting, Talking Point is always here.
Mum's now 20 miles away and there is a 10 year old there. I was even keeping my childrens visits down to half an hour evey few days as mum was getting so agitated around them it wasn't good for my children or mum, which is a pity as they adored each other.

the support on here has been great thanks