This thread has 'haunted me' for different reasons ...
I'll mention two ...
1) I admit there has been a very personal trigger for me in terms of a family fallout ... not with a sibling (I don't have any) - but mum's next 'next of kin' after me. No love lost between us for many years but I have tried since mum's diagnosis to keep channels of communication going for mum's benefit but no more. It's all one way effort. I would have loved to have her feedback on the many repeated and late night phone calls I have discovered mum makes to her, but she doesn't see it as important to tell me anything she 'observes' from a distance in order to capture the information to inform professionals ...... you all get the jist ....
Hence, just recently I too determined to use blooddiamond's words 'history'. If there is something vitally important I feel 'she' needs to know, I will pick up the phone (she too is physically distant although not overseas). But I am not expending effort anymore on a relationship which was difficult to start with and only ever causes angst and different opinions. Blooddiamond, I wholeheartedly agree with Cate's previous post - aside from all the very positive messages - it's a case of keeping some communication open because even if we have conflicting views with 'kith and kin' - there is a common bond (much as I'd like to refute it!) of 'wanting the best' for the person who forges the bond between us even if the view of what's best is itself in conflict.
2) I have just seen Sandwichboy's post. I've said here before how I admire people who care from any distance. I am five minutes drive away from my mother and know I am absolutely not meeting all her needs on a day to day basis. I can't. I have other things I need to do. Like going out to work and helping to pay a mortgage, raise my own family. Even allow myself time to be me.
I find some of my stresses lie not in the 'being with mum' time - but in the 'organising' of everything that needs to be done .... even very locally .... there are members here who achieve probably far better 'organisation' of their loved ones' needs from far greater distances (including overseas) than I ever do ..... I cannot imagine the frustration of not being able to 'pop down' and check on things if there are concerns.
We all have our own emotional and logistical (often including financial) burdens and restraints here .... 24/7 caring for a partner or parent, juggling being a parent and looking after our own parent(s) ...... the permutations are endless .....
We are all for different - although parallel - reasons under varying degrees of stress or stages of loss ...... else none of us would need be here ....
From someone who is 'close at hand' to the person I 'care for', I suspect those who are geographically distant have yet another unique 'stress factor' amongst the parellel universe we all embrace here.
I believe the difference between TP and a 'local support group' (should anyone have the luxury of being able to attend one) is the diversity of different caring roles and a global network which makes the sharing of experiences so much stronger and beneficial to the membership as a whole.
From someone who has had their own 'flashpoints' and said things in heated moments to the wrong 'audience' perhaps better left unsaid , I hope both Sandwichboy and blooddiamond will both gain as much from TP as I have, even though at times I have felt wronged or misunderstood (and been wrong too)... I would ask ......
Keep with us ..... we all need to keep learning from each other,
Love, Karen, x
I'll mention two ...
1) I admit there has been a very personal trigger for me in terms of a family fallout ... not with a sibling (I don't have any) - but mum's next 'next of kin' after me. No love lost between us for many years but I have tried since mum's diagnosis to keep channels of communication going for mum's benefit but no more. It's all one way effort. I would have loved to have her feedback on the many repeated and late night phone calls I have discovered mum makes to her, but she doesn't see it as important to tell me anything she 'observes' from a distance in order to capture the information to inform professionals ...... you all get the jist ....
Hence, just recently I too determined to use blooddiamond's words 'history'. If there is something vitally important I feel 'she' needs to know, I will pick up the phone (she too is physically distant although not overseas). But I am not expending effort anymore on a relationship which was difficult to start with and only ever causes angst and different opinions. Blooddiamond, I wholeheartedly agree with Cate's previous post - aside from all the very positive messages - it's a case of keeping some communication open because even if we have conflicting views with 'kith and kin' - there is a common bond (much as I'd like to refute it!) of 'wanting the best' for the person who forges the bond between us even if the view of what's best is itself in conflict.
2) I have just seen Sandwichboy's post. I've said here before how I admire people who care from any distance. I am five minutes drive away from my mother and know I am absolutely not meeting all her needs on a day to day basis. I can't. I have other things I need to do. Like going out to work and helping to pay a mortgage, raise my own family. Even allow myself time to be me.
I find some of my stresses lie not in the 'being with mum' time - but in the 'organising' of everything that needs to be done .... even very locally .... there are members here who achieve probably far better 'organisation' of their loved ones' needs from far greater distances (including overseas) than I ever do ..... I cannot imagine the frustration of not being able to 'pop down' and check on things if there are concerns.
We all have our own emotional and logistical (often including financial) burdens and restraints here .... 24/7 caring for a partner or parent, juggling being a parent and looking after our own parent(s) ...... the permutations are endless .....
We are all for different - although parallel - reasons under varying degrees of stress or stages of loss ...... else none of us would need be here ....
From someone who is 'close at hand' to the person I 'care for', I suspect those who are geographically distant have yet another unique 'stress factor' amongst the parellel universe we all embrace here.
I believe the difference between TP and a 'local support group' (should anyone have the luxury of being able to attend one) is the diversity of different caring roles and a global network which makes the sharing of experiences so much stronger and beneficial to the membership as a whole.
From someone who has had their own 'flashpoints' and said things in heated moments to the wrong 'audience' perhaps better left unsaid , I hope both Sandwichboy and blooddiamond will both gain as much from TP as I have, even though at times I have felt wronged or misunderstood (and been wrong too)... I would ask ......
Keep with us ..... we all need to keep learning from each other,
Love, Karen, x