Family fallout, advice please....

Discussion in 'ARCHIVE FORUM: Support discussions' started by blooddiamond, Sep 5, 2007.

  1. sandrah

    sandrah Registered User

    Jul 11, 2007
    19
    west midlands
    I couldn't count how many times I have heard that it is left to one person to care, in my case when my Mum died my brother said well he (our father ) will have to come and live with you, my brother lived sixty miles from him I lived 300. Since then 5 years ago my brother has had him once, this year alone he has phoned twice and is not the interested in how Dad is never mind how we are coping and has no intention of having him there again, but you can bet your bottom dollar when God forbid Dad goes he will be first there wanting his share.
     
  2. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    17,000
    SW Scotland

    Brilliant news! Never mind the case, it's the pressies that count! (Can't you claim on insurance?)
     
  3. Margarita

    Margarita Registered User

    Feb 17, 2006
    10,824
    london
    #83 Margarita, Oct 18, 2007
    Last edited: Oct 18, 2007
    Please to read that

    also and that your suitcase arrived , mine got lost then return but my mini stereo was gone only the speaker was in the suitcase I never had insurance, but if case was not found the airline where going to give me 4
    hundred pound .
     
  4. Kate P

    Kate P Registered User

    Jul 6, 2007
    565
    Merseyside
    Well done you - I hope it all continues to go well and your mum settles in.

    In regards to your dad have you considered a cleaner for him? Even just a few hours a week could make all the difference - it would certainly stop the maggots :eek: and it would mean that you are not having to depend on your brother doing it?

    We arranged one for my gran through Social Services and as I recall it didn't cost too much - gran received Attendance Allowance for ill health.

    Is your dad receiving anything like that?
     
  5. Tender Face

    Tender Face Account Closed

    Mar 14, 2006
    5,379
    NW England
    That's a lovely way to look at it blooddiamond - from someone who is putting off doing 'the homework' :eek: and trying to pretend it might never happen.... thank you for that thought. I will carry it with me ...

    Love, Karen, x
     
  6. blooddiamond

    blooddiamond Registered User

    Hi,
    My Dad contacted me today to let me know that Social Services are meeting at the end of this week to decide if they are willing to pay for the home Mum is now in. It looks quietly positive as she is happy there, the home is happy to take her and my Dad is definitely much happier now.
    He got a bit emotional when he wanted to thank me for all I managed to do in the few days I was there, but as I said to him, it was never a question of yes I can or no I can't help you, to me, it was simply a how can I help you.

    So, although I do not think about God anymore, I do pray that the right decision is made later this week. (Thursday I believe)

    Once again, thank you for all the support and advice and especially thank you to the one who wanted to adopt me as their brother! :) that really made me smile and cheered me up no end.
    thank you.
     
  7. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    17,000
    SW Scotland
    What a lovely way to put it! If only all our relatives thought that way.

    If you don't fancy being a brother, can I have you as a son? I'm sure your dad is very grateful, I'm not surprised he was emotional. Just to have someone to shoulder some of the responsibility must be wonderful.

    I hope it all goes well on Thursday, please let us know.

    Love,
     
  8. blooddiamond

    blooddiamond Registered User

    So there we go!
    Dad got the call from the Social Worker to say that they had agreed to Mum staying in the home she is in at the moment. So the respite care of three weeks will morph into a permanent residence.
    I know my Dad is relieved, God knows he has put up with enough and done so much for Mum, but he is tired now and needs this. My brother I am sure will be pleased as he has tried to get Mum put inot a home for the last five years and I?
    Well, I know it was necessary, I know my Dad needed this as did my Mum, I swallowed my true feelings and supported Dad in every way possible, but I am still heartbroken tonight and feel I have let Mum down.
    While I was over in the UK I was looking out into the back garden and I suddenly thought to myself, "She will never see that garden again! She will never see the house again" because she will, if she hasn't already, become quickly institutionalised and be unable and unwilling to go out from her environment. I can't help but look at her when I see her and somehow half believe that she is pretending (does this make any sense?) that she will suddenly realise where she is and want to go home, but deep in my heart I know this is the end of the road for her and she has her new family in there. I know she is safe there and as I said before, it is home not a home and that will have to suffice for me. I want my Mum back more than ever but she has boarded the train and it has departed the station, leaving me waving tearfully at her receding face. She has gone on an adventure I can be no part of apart from a voice in the far distance.
    Sorry to be so miserable tonight but I miss her so badly now.
     
  9. elaineo2

    elaineo2 Registered User

    Jul 6, 2007
    945
    leigh lancashire
    dear blooddiamond,you are still a part of mums life,don't ever think any different.The fact that you have admitted that Dad can't cope and Mum needs more care deserves a pat on the back.People like you make my job so much a pleasure.Allowing others to care for our loved ones is a big big step.Please take faith in the caring professsion,we are not all the same,granted,but the ones who do care,really do care.love elainex
     
  10. christine_batch

    christine_batch Registered User

    Jul 31, 2007
    3,388
    Buckinghamshire
    Glad you are still with T.P.

    Dear Blooddiamond,
    I can tell by your recent posts that you have sorted so many things out and you must know that you have done the best for your parents. At the beginning of your messages and some of the responces you received has already been said. I am so pleased you continued writing because we are all in the same boat. Reading lots of the messages whereby siblings do not bother, you have shown to be a very caring, loving son.
    I wish you all the best.
    Christine
     
  11. Margaret W

    Margaret W Registered User

    Apr 28, 2007
    3,725
    North Derbyshire
    Dear BloodDiamond,

    I feel the same, we sold mums house last week, and like you I stood in the garden that my dad had created for her, and thought, yes, she will never see it again.

    Yes, the train has departed the station, but it is going on a new route, not to nowhere. It is perhaps not the most picturesque route, but it still may have interesting things along the way.

    My mum has realised that she is amongs the few in her home who are mobile, so she makes sure they all have cups of tea at tea time, and takes away their empty cups for them, and the carers told me there is one lady who sits at mum's table, that mum has taken a shine to, who has difficulty in feeding herself - and mum does it for her! The lady can manage a spoon but can't scoop the food onto it, so mum does that. So she still has a value and a role, albeit different, and she still talks to other residents, albeit sometimes rubbish, it doesn't matter, it helps them all in some small way.

    The lady who sits next to mum asks the same question over and over, and mum answers the same over and over, and neither of them realise they have already done it ten times. So it gives them some pleasure. Your mum's life will be different now, but there will be plus points, I hope you find them.

    Much love

    Margaret
     
  12. Margaret W

    Margaret W Registered User

    Apr 28, 2007
    3,725
    North Derbyshire
    Elaine,

    I just want to support your profession, if I have not already said so, but the main reason I chose the home for my mum was cos I liked the staff. They seemed keen on their job, they all get on well together, have a bit of a laugh on their tea breaks, and support each other when there is a problem. They've all been at the care home for 3-4 years which tells me the management is okay, alright they are sometimes overwhelmed with a particular patient so mum doesn't get her weekly bath on time, and of course she thinks she is a priority, but last week I witnessed three staff trying to help an old lady who was in pain and wanted to go to bed. They were trying to persuade her not to, to wait for tea (which was imminent), but in the end they agreed she needed to go to bed. It took two of them to help her, meanwhile six other residents cottoned on and said "Can I go to bed now as well?". Well, Elaine, perhaps you can advise me, but the number of night staff is usually less than the day staff, cos most residents are in bed. My mum is a night wanderer and she is getting very shirty cos the night staff send her back to bed (3 a.m. is common, and says some are "nasty". Well, I don't believe they are nasty, but I do believe they probably have to be very firm with an old lady who has been up and dressed four times by 4 a.m.

    She obviously doesn't realise that many residents are incontinent or partially at least, several are in wheelchairs or need walking frames, and it must take so much longer to assist these residents than it does a mobile resident.

    Eeh, thank goodness for care workers, what on earth would we do without them?

    Much love

    Margaret
     
  13. blooddiamond

    blooddiamond Registered User

    I have seen my Mum in this home and as far as I can see, the carers who are there are extremely professional and very caring.
    While I was visiting Mum with my nephew it became too much for me and I had to leave the room for a minute or two, my nephew stepped deftly in and gave me a breather. After a minute one of the carers who had been there for many years approached me with a cup of tea, she put her arm around me and let me have a little cry. She told me that my Mum was very happy and that she had already made friends, one in particular was helping her eat and drink.
    She also told me about all the excercising they do with everyone in the home, which is of particular importance as all my Dad was able to do was get her into a chair for the day. In the home she is walked around the rooms regularly with two carers singing "Here we go, here we go" along with Mum (something my Dad discovered actually got my Mum to move a little, a bit like musical chairs.)

    So, I know I was quite critical of homes in my earlier posts, this was borne out of seeing first hand what can only amount to bad management and training of staff. I will readily admit however that not all homes are like this and Mum is in a home where they genuinely seem to care and actively try to motivate the residens as much as possible.
    One of my biggest fears was that because Mum is so passive now, she would be overlooked and left alone, but this does not seem to be the case at this home.

    One last thing, I have often thought about returning to the UK so that I can be nearer to Mum and Dad and also try to get a job as a carer myself as this seems to be what I am meant for at times. I fight for people unable to fight themselves as I did for Mum, but I have no clear idea how to go about it. The big problem for me is that my wife is studying for a doctorate and so I would need to be the bread winner. I am not sure that it is really possible, but I would like to look into it ore, any suggestions?
     
  14. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    17,000
    SW Scotland
    Dear blooddiamond, of course you are heart broken, as I am heartbroken. But you haven't let anyone down, you have ensured the best possible care for your mum, and safeguarded your dad's health. You will feel guilty, as I feel guilty. We still care, and feel we should be able to do more. But it's impossible. AD defeats us all, in the end, and we can't do anything about it, however much we want to.


    She hasn't left, blooddiamond. She is still there, inside, and may be for a long time to come. The only difference is that your dad no longer has to struggle with the day to day care, but can enjoy spending quality time with her, as can you. Enjoy that for as long as you can.

    That is also the case with John. Because he has no language, I feared that he would be isolated. In fact, he is receiving a great deal of one to one attention and stimulation. I know from posts here that not all homes are wonderful, but we should both be grateful that we've both found good ones.

    As for moving to England, I would put that on the back-burner for the time being. I know you want to be there for your mum and dad, but now is not the time to make a decision like that. You've already had too much upheaval in too short a time. And it certainly wouldn't be fair on your wife.

    I'd suggest that for the moment you aim to visit as much as possible, keep in regular touch by phone, and keep moving as a possibility for the future, one things have settled.

    Just my view, of course, and you have to do whatever feels right -- as you have been doing.

    Keep in touch,
     
  15. elaineo2

    elaineo2 Registered User

    Jul 6, 2007
    945
    leigh lancashire
    MargaretW.if residents request to get up at stupid o'clock then their wishes are granted.if residents want to stay in bed until daft o'clock,then so be it.their home at ther end of the day.love elainex:D
     
  16. Margaret W

    Margaret W Registered User

    Apr 28, 2007
    3,725
    North Derbyshire
    Elaine,

    No, perhaps I didn't express myself properly. My mum doesn't realise she is getting up at 2 a.m., she thinks it is breakfast time. She doesn't request it, she just does it. Another day it might be 4 a.m. If she gets up then, she gets dressed and goes to the lounge and then gets distressed that it is not breakfast time. She thinks everyone else is up as well, imagines them all sitting there in the lounge waiting for breakfast and gets cross that it is not.

    I can't see that the staff can cope at night with some residents up and in the lounge, some in the dining room, some expecting to be able to sit in the garden (at 2 a.m., which my mum used to do when at home), and keep reasonable order.

    Before my mum went into hospital, she was having breakfast at 3 a.m., lunch at 8 a.m., tea at 1 p.m., her evening glass of sherry at 4 p.m., a quick nap, and breakfast again at 7 p.m. In fact, God only knows when she was eating. Are you really saying that your home can accommodate 26 residents all wanting different types of meals at different times of day and night? It would need a lot more staff than my mum's home has. Book her into yours pronto please.

    Love

    Margaret
     
  17. elaineo2

    elaineo2 Registered User

    Jul 6, 2007
    945
    leigh lancashire
    Dear Margaret,i understood your post and understand your concerns about mum getting up and dressed and not knowing the time.The fact of the matter lies with the "abuse" side of things.All staff can do is encourage and reassure residents.They cannot make them do anything.Have the staff tried to persuade your mum to go back to bed?if not,why not is what i would ask,and if so,then there is nothing staff can do.To be honest with you there are things that can be done but that is down to each home.my tip is a sleep programme.This works by taking the resident to their room after breakfast and lunch and asking them to try to have a nap.(usually works).After tea try not to let the resident sleep.have activities for them to do to keep them awake.Supper time should be relaxed and consist of a light snack and a warm drink.Then bed!it's worth atry ,it works most of the time and the night staff thanked me for the sleeping programme.they have time to do their other jobs now,love elainex
     
  18. Margaret W

    Margaret W Registered User

    Apr 28, 2007
    3,725
    North Derbyshire
    Dear Elaine,

    Yes, the night staff check on mum regularly in the night, and check the lounge in case she has got up and gone in there, and take her back to her room and suggest she gets back in bed. She sometimes obeys and sometimes gets cross that they have asked her to go back to bed, cos she thinks it is breakfast time (3 a.m?) One night she complained that they wouldn't make her a cup of tea at x a.m. - but they had made her one half an hour earlier, when she got up the first time. The thing with mum is she can go back to bed and be getting up again ten minutes later cos she doesn't remember she has just been up.

    That is why she needed the care home, she was ringing friends and neighbours at 2 a.m., every five minutes. She would forget she had only just rung, and would ring again. Then she would be going to the bus stop at 2 a.m., and back home, and half an hour later, back to the bus stop.

    Staff have suggested she could put the t.v. or radio on in her room if she is awake early. She is fortunately not next to any other bedroom, and I could organise a hearing loop if she wanted it, but she doesn't want to watch t.v. or listen to the radio. She won't read either, I have given her books. She just wants to be up and about.

    It is a problem for her and the staff.

    Thanks for your advice

    Margaret
     
  19. elaineo2

    elaineo2 Registered User

    Jul 6, 2007
    945
    leigh lancashire
    I am so sorry Margaret,the only thing i can think of now is night sedation,which is the last resort.If your mum is in a unit for her condition then the staff are doing their best to try to get her to sleep which is obvious from your posts.At the end of the day mums/dads/uncles/grandparents and all that we love with this hideous disease,will all have different care needs,finding the balance to meet that care can prove awkward.sorry i couldn't help with your problem and i hope a solution is found soon,for you all.love elainex
     

Share This Page

  1. This site uses cookies to help personalise content, tailor your experience and to keep you logged in if you register.
    By continuing to use this site, you are consenting to our use of cookies.
  1. This site uses cookies to help personalise content, tailor your experience and to keep you logged in if you register.
    By continuing to use this site, you are consenting to our use of cookies.