So many of you helped me through this time last year when I came to scatter Mum's ashes (I now know it WAS far too early, but I did it mainly for my Dad and the family's sake). Am off on holiday on Sat with over 20 of the family again to the same special place. 2 members of the family have already mentioned revisiting the spot all together, I don't know if they think it will be meaningful for me or if they really want to do something to remember. I think all I want is to escape on the first morning alone and try and come to terms with it all as I still haven't accepted the last few weeks of Mum's life and the total loss and guilt I feel. Last year I escaped every morning but feel I ought to be able to let go this year, am frightened I'll still be pulled each day though. I know the family feel a year is plenty of time and I should be 'over it'. So many emotions hidden still. Any advice? Katherine x
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Dear Katherine,
I can feel much of the emotions you convey tonight. Something similar happened to me on Mothers' Day. My lovely MIL had organised a meal at the la-di-da golf club, and the whole family was going. My BIL's girlfriend was also bringing her mum. I know them both well, so I thought there was a teeny weeny chance I would be ok.
I had denied Mothers' Day and it's potential emotional tsunami for weeks leading up to it. Then the Sunday before, it suddenly dawned on me that I may not have the strength to join them. To sit there and chat happy chat with everyone might be difficult. But maybe it won't be. I love my MIL, and I love everyone who's be there, including my own 3 children who would be there for ME! Everyone kept saying it was MY day too, but nothing could make me feel it. It was my first without mum, and I had no idea until the day how I would handle it.
I kept thinking it would be like Christmas Day. I quick toot, in private, a little chat with my mum and dad in the clouds, then "on with the day". But I was worried it might not. So I told them a week in advance that I genuinely didn't know how I would feel on the day. Naturally, a little advice flew my way, about how I'm a mother and it's my day too; about how mum would want me to be happy; how we could treat it as just lunch out..... But my gut was saying something else.
But I'd promised to leave it til the day, and even the morning of...I still wondered. I had an outfit ready. But half an hour before we had to leave, I knew for certain I couldn't go. And I was right. The minute they shut the door, and I was alone with my own thoughts and memories...the flood gates opened and I cried more than I have since the day of the funeral.
Sometimes, you just know....but not always in advance.
Maybe you could gently speak to some family members who understand you the best, and explain that you are still coming to terms with your loss, in your own personal and private way. Say that you want to do what's best FOR YOU, so that coming to terms will progress, but as yet you don't know exactly what that entails. There is every chance that you will want to go with everyone, and that it will be a very healing time. On the other hand, being alone is also very cathartic. Would they mind not asking until the morning of? Then you may know.
Sounds easy written down, but I know it's not. My main advice is to follow your heart, your gut feeling and your instinct nearer the time, and stick to it. I think people thought I'd also be "over it", and that was only 5 months after mum's passing. I'd seen through Christmas, what's the issue with Mothers' Day? But I know how I feel, and I don't need to explain it. I just need to feel it. I hope others can respect that it's the same for you, xxxxx
I can feel much of the emotions you convey tonight. Something similar happened to me on Mothers' Day. My lovely MIL had organised a meal at the la-di-da golf club, and the whole family was going. My BIL's girlfriend was also bringing her mum. I know them both well, so I thought there was a teeny weeny chance I would be ok.
I had denied Mothers' Day and it's potential emotional tsunami for weeks leading up to it. Then the Sunday before, it suddenly dawned on me that I may not have the strength to join them. To sit there and chat happy chat with everyone might be difficult. But maybe it won't be. I love my MIL, and I love everyone who's be there, including my own 3 children who would be there for ME! Everyone kept saying it was MY day too, but nothing could make me feel it. It was my first without mum, and I had no idea until the day how I would handle it.
I kept thinking it would be like Christmas Day. I quick toot, in private, a little chat with my mum and dad in the clouds, then "on with the day". But I was worried it might not. So I told them a week in advance that I genuinely didn't know how I would feel on the day. Naturally, a little advice flew my way, about how I'm a mother and it's my day too; about how mum would want me to be happy; how we could treat it as just lunch out..... But my gut was saying something else.
But I'd promised to leave it til the day, and even the morning of...I still wondered. I had an outfit ready. But half an hour before we had to leave, I knew for certain I couldn't go. And I was right. The minute they shut the door, and I was alone with my own thoughts and memories...the flood gates opened and I cried more than I have since the day of the funeral.
Sometimes, you just know....but not always in advance.
Maybe you could gently speak to some family members who understand you the best, and explain that you are still coming to terms with your loss, in your own personal and private way. Say that you want to do what's best FOR YOU, so that coming to terms will progress, but as yet you don't know exactly what that entails. There is every chance that you will want to go with everyone, and that it will be a very healing time. On the other hand, being alone is also very cathartic. Would they mind not asking until the morning of? Then you may know.
Sounds easy written down, but I know it's not. My main advice is to follow your heart, your gut feeling and your instinct nearer the time, and stick to it. I think people thought I'd also be "over it", and that was only 5 months after mum's passing. I'd seen through Christmas, what's the issue with Mothers' Day? But I know how I feel, and I don't need to explain it. I just need to feel it. I hope others can respect that it's the same for you, xxxxx
