Duty or love

[hollycat]

I have no idea who is right and why, just think if you want a gold medal learn a sport and compete.

If not then like most of us, you do what you can because you can then then have a moan 'cos it makes you feel better. But have you always disliked your mum as her being ill just makes an existing problem worse and could impact on your health.

I once said to my gp that I hated my mum (she had been mentally ill for over 40 years before Alzheimers took hold as well) and it was hard to cope he said no you don't you hate an illness thats robbed you of time and a normal life. He was wise and it was true. Perhaps some counselling could help you and do ask for help as bitterness only hurts you and you are as important as your mum and her illness.

Sorry fedup, I accidentally missed you off my previous reply.

Thanks for sharing your story with mum. Counselling is something I will give very serious consideration to.

Whilst I don't love my mum, I do not dislike her. I have the same general set of feelings towards mum that I had pre-AD i.e. my feelings really haven't changed.

I could never communicate, get a word in edgeways etc etc so nothing has really changed. I suppose if anything, I have tried to block the past out and put all my efforts into caring for MY CLIENT (my mum). I try and treat mum as a lovely old lady and I find by trying to take any emotional feelings out of the situation, I find I am able to cope better with the problems that AD presents.

Might sound a strange way to treat mum, but I find it the best way for me to cope.

 

[zeeeb]

You are trying to do the best you can for someone who has given you life. I feel somewhat the same, but probably not to the point of having my parents live with us long term, as I know that would be the breakdown of. My family.!!!

My parents gave me life, food, clothing, education, support, money, a roof over my head, forced me to go to school and finish it, gave me boundaries and discipline that I needed as a child. Many many many others don't get all that. So as much as they drive me crazy, as much as there is not much love there, it is my obligation to be thankful that I am where I am in life today, and what they done for me, played a big part in that.

So I will do what I can to help them, without destroying my life entirely.

 

[Saffie]

As a daughter, a mother and a wife, I find this thread and its predecessor, really sad. I know I don't have to read them but I do so in the hope that somewhere along the line, someone might feel as I do. My husband can drive me mad but I would do anything to make his life more bearable.

Do so many daughters really dislike their mothers so much? I truly adored my mother and do so hope that my daughters don't and won't dislike me.

 

[hollycat]

As a daughter, a mother and a wife, I find this thread and its predecessor, really sad. I know I don't have to read them but I do so in the hope that somewhere along the line, someone might feel as I do. My husband can drive me mad but I would do anything to make his life more bearable.

Do so many daughters really dislike their mothers so much? I truly adored my mother and do so hope that my daughters don't and won't dislike me.

Thanks Saffie

Similarly, I will try and do anything necessary to make my mothers life more bearable.

As previously stated, whilst I don't love my mum, I do not dislike her.

 

[jenniferpa]

I think the thing is that threads like this are really designed to pull together people who are dealing with similar situations: it's the nature of a support forum that people post on threads that speak to them. That's probably stating the obvious of course.

Having said that, I think there is an element of statistical likelihood here. For a start, the forum is overwhelmingly female. Secondly women tend to live longer than men. Thirdly, women still get assigned the caring role in many families. The result is that if you separated carers into categories, the major group of children caring for parents would be female carers caring for their mother's or MILs. So you are just far more likely to have more than a few of them with a problematic relationship in the past just because there are so many more of them.

And of course, a possibly equally large number of women who had wonderful relationships with their mothers (like me). They probably wouldn't be posting so much on this type of thread though - it's not so supportive I feel to go on and on about how great my mother was when other people are up to their eyes in it.

Just my views on the subject.

 

[Saffie]

Thanks Jennifer, I agree- and I'll shut up now!

 

[hollycat]

I think the thing is that threads like this are really designed to pull together people who are dealing with similar situations: it's the nature of a support forum that people post on threads that speak to them. That's probably stating the obvious of course.

Having said that, I think there is an element of statistical likelihood here. For a start, the forum is overwhelmingly female. Secondly women tend to live longer than men. Thirdly, women still get assigned the caring role in many families. The result is that if you separated carers into categories, the major group of children caring for parents would be female carers caring for their mother's or MILs. So you are just far more likely to have more than a few of them with a problematic relationship in the past just because there are so many more of them.

And of course, a possibly equally large number of women who had wonderful relationships with their mothers (like me). They probably wouldn't be posting so much on this type of thread though - it's not so supportive I feel to go on and on about how great my mother was when other people are up to their eyes in it.

Just my views on the subject.

Your last paragraph sits really WELL with me, but perhaps not with all readers in a similar situation; don't know ?

Knowing your mum was great Jennifer, along with all the other comments on here, allows me to sit down and discuss with my OH (in my case).

Various posters have mentioned an array of ideas e.g. Religion, common sense, frustration, disbelief, counselling etc.

I speak only personally, but with all this support, be it FOR or AGAINST neither matter really, it all HELPS ! That is the reason I joined TP. I was ignorant, am still ignorant but I know a lot more than I did a year ago.

Thanks again for your latest post.

FURTHERMORE, thankyou everybody who contibutes to ALL THREADS ON TP.

Happy xmas readers x x x

 

[jenniferpa]

Well on that basis I'll bring something else to the table: while my mother was a wonderful mother and I loved her a great deal AND she was relatively easy with her dementia, it was quite clear to me that there was no way I was able or willing to be a full time carer for her. In fact the situation wouldn't have been possible because of the living on different continents thing but in a way that was a blessing: I didn't have to feel the guilt of making a choice one way or the other.

Don't get me wrong, even towards the end of her life I was trying to work out how I could make it work by bringing her here (I knew a plane wouldn't be possible so I checked cruise ships) but it was a definitely pie in sky.

I really admire full time carers but I also know my limitations. Also, I was fortunate in that she was still able to say "I hope you have a life other than this (i.e. caring)" so I knew her views on the subject.

 

[hollycat]

Distance caring scares the life out of me; I just have no idea how carers uphold full/part time jobs, run a family and distance-care for someone. So I honestly believe that I have taken the easy way out......honest !

Prior to moving in with mum (Sep'11) I experienced the constant confused telephone calls, mum in total denial (as she still is today). Initially to get a diagnosis, we moved in and I suppose the rest is history.

I "think" I know my limitations having recently hit a brick wall; cut long story short, mum is refusing ALL outside help because there is nothing wrong with her.

"I hope you have a life other than caring" - these words unfortunately would never come out of my mums mouth. She cared for my dad (AD) and almost killed herself doing so. She has a very stubborn, stiff-upper lip, selfish attitude and expects everyone to run around after her.

It was recently very refreshing when the day centre lady rang and said words to the effect of

Doesn't mum like to be the centre of attention; the queen; all listen to mum etc etc

How do you cope Hollycat at home ? At this point I broke down in tears. The day centre staff were kind enough to invite me in to discuss helping me.

Tks again

 

[jeany123]

That is lovely it brought tears to my eyes as well, a moment to treasure

Jeany x

 

[LadyA]

That is lovely - she knew your name too!

 

[SueShell]

Hollycat, replying to your threat a bit late, but you sound like me and your situation is also similar to mine. Mum has no-one (and I do mean no-one) apart from me. I also have absolutely no-one to take over the reins from time to time.

Jennifer mentions the word 'resentful', doesn't most carers feel a little resentful at times in their darkest hours? Although my Mum has been highly strung, nasty, short tempered and I've never matched up to her expectations of how a daughter should be (never married so she's got no grandchildren which disappointed her greatly) I do care for her out of duty because she gave birth to me and I owe her a duty of care. She didn't choose to get AZ. God, I wouldn't wish AZ on my worst enemy. However, I do NOT do it with a heavy heart. There will be no-one around to care for me if I get this dreadful AZ. I will care for her as long as I am able, and already my health is being pushed to its limits because of this. In her lucid moments she tells me that we've never got on as Mother and Daughter, I know this is so, BUT once I go outside have a little cry at her statement, I just carry on regardless. I'm probably more emotional in my care of her than those out there who dearly love their parents,which is probably why I'm finding it such a strain - battling with my conscience on a daily basis. Of course I'd like it all to go away and get on with my life. My Mum wants to die, she keeps telling me she does, and I hope she does of something else before she reaches her final stage of this dreadful disease, for her sake AND mine. There I've bared my soul completely. Does this make me a bad person. No it doesn't and I'm sure others on TP may be in a similar situation. As Mum says she's had her life at 87, you still need to have yours.

 

[hollycat]

Off track, but y'know what happened to me today? I was sitting at my mums house, with the "memory nurse" there, and she asked mum to write a sentence. Mum wrote, "Kim is the best daughter that anyone could hope to have"

Very humbling. It made me cry.

Thanks for sharing; that really is lovely.

My MIL said some words a few years ago that made me feel just the same as you:

You are not a daughter in law, you are the sister I never had !

Those words had just the same effect on me.

 

[hollycat]

Hollycat, replying to your threat a bit late, but you sound like me and your situation is also similar to mine. Mum has no-one (and I do mean no-one) apart from me. I also have absolutely no-one to take over the reins from time to time.

Jennifer mentions the word 'resentful', doesn't most carers feel a little resentful at times in their darkest hours? Although my Mum has been highly strung, nasty, short tempered and I've never matched up to her expectations of how a daughter should be (never married so she's got no grandchildren which disappointed her greatly) I do care for her out of duty because she gave birth to me and I owe her a duty of care. She didn't choose to get AZ. God, I wouldn't wish AZ on my worst enemy. However, I do NOT do it with a heavy heart. There will be no-one around to care for me if I get this dreadful AZ. I will care for her as long as I am able, and already my health is being pushed to its limits because of this. In her lucid moments she tells me that we've never got on as Mother and Daughter, I know this is so, BUT once I go outside have a little cry at her statement, I just carry on regardless. I'm probably more emotional in my care of her than those out there who dearly love their parents,which is probably why I'm finding it such a strain - battling with my conscience on a daily basis. Of course I'd like it all to go away and get on with my life. My Mum wants to die, she keeps telling me she does, and I hope she does of something else before she reaches her final stage of this dreadful disease, for her sake AND mine. There I've bared my soul completely. Does this make me a bad person. No it doesn't and I'm sure others on TP may be in a similar situation. As Mum says she's had her life at 87, you still need to have yours.

Thankyou so much for sharing.

 

[21citrouilles]

For me, duty is born from love, respect, admiration, from trying to do good. I don't think I would feel a duty toward somebody I didn't love, admire or respect. Of course, I love both my parents, so I cannot feel what it is to be in your shoes.

 

[Albawest]

I don't really know how I feel?

I have been on automatic pilot - dealing with my fathers dementia, it's duty and expected and there is love, but at the moment I am spending so much time on organising his live in, appointments, etc I do not have a yearning to my life.
I have 2 under 16 and a husband waiting a heart op. We are older parents and I had in mind as the children become less dependant that my husband and I would have more time for us....and I could also take a more involved job as i have been offered more recnetly but having been waiting for the children to be older. I'm an only child and my dad brought me up with his mum....and he has been so careful with his money and now i have LPA and spending it on live in care until full diagnosis etc, it is totally overwhelming, he is happy in his world and oblivious to the concerns i have.
So I admire your approach and it is what you are comfortable with but not for me.

 

[Witzend]

For me it's a mix of love and duty. My mother was not always the easiest person - and from time to time caused me a lot of grief, but on the other hand she could also be extremely good, warm and generous. A bit of a female Jekyll and Hyde, really - and I guess that's how she was made - I don't think she could help it. It would never have occurred to me not to do what I have done for her, or indeed for my FIL previously.

But at the same time, with both of them there were times when I wished I could just walk away. (very likely slamming the door!) It wasn't just the physical/emotional strain, it was also the endless worry of it all. Even now - now that my mother's getting worse I am getting a lot of phone calls from the CH to say she's fallen (yet again) or has bumped or bruised herself, etc. - and each time the call comes my heart almost stops in case it's really serious this time.

And my OH has recently retired and would like to go on an extended holiday to far-flung places - and he deserves it (and he has always been incredibly good and kind to my mother) but I simply can't bring myself to go away for very long. I can't bear the thought of my mother dying with nobody there. I know my brother would go but he is away a lot, plus I live by far the closest and thus I am always 'first call'.

 

[JoshuaTree]

I was the person who asked the original question. It was out of genuine curiosity and not meant in a judgemental way whatsoever.

It's because I know I just couldn't be a full time carer for my Mum. The resentment and anger I was beginning to feel was extremely detremental to our already difficult relationship.
Did I want her in a home? NO. I wanted her to be happy in her own home with a good careplan in place along side my help too. Unfortunately it didn't work out.

So Mum is in a home and only now am I able to help and visit without resentment. I can now be the daughter I always wanted to be. I can get enjoyment out of our time together and dont mind a bit when she wants a trip out or when I am running around all over the place trying to find her more clothes/shoes etc.

Mum has never ever in her life told me she loves me, nor has she ever hugged me.
I very much doubt I will ever hear her say that. But she held my hand the other day and that was nice.

If I remained her carer at home. It would have been out of duty, not love. As I said already our relationship would have completely crumbled even if I managed to hide it.
I believe by stepping back and letting others care too I have saved us

 

[hollycat]

Thanks for latest replies

21C - must admit, I didn't think that I would feel a duty towards someone I didn't love.

Albawest - I can't start to imagine how I would feel in your position. I have so much admiration for carers who run a home, family and care. If I am being really honest, auto-pilot worries me; please take care of yourself.

Witzend - thanks for your story. I so wish you could take that holiday. I think it is quite a normal carer reaction to feel like walking away.

JT - thanks for asking the question and it was taken in a really good spirit, honest !

The hugging is interesting as mum has never knowingly hugged me (I put knowingly as can't remember life as a 1 year old).

Interesting to read about your relationship with your mum. I have honestly never had resentment or anger towards mum because NOTHING is mums fault; mum is what she is and I am what I am.

I can become angry and frustrated with the disease, but can't we all ?

Nobody deserves this horror, but as they say xxxx happens !

Thanks again for asking. It has really allowed me to open my heart and hopefully has encouraged others to do similarly. If any good comes out of this thread for just one person...........fantastic

 

[JoshuaTree]

Thanks for latest replies

21C - must admit, I didn't think that I would feel a duty towards someone I didn't love.

Albawest - I can't start to imagine how I would feel in your position. I have so much admiration for carers who run a home, family and care. If I am being really honest, auto-pilot worries me; please take care of yourself.

Witzend - thanks for your story. I so wish you could take that holiday. I think it is quite a normal carer reaction to feel like walking away.

JT - thanks for asking the question and it was taken in a really good spirit, honest !

The hugging is interesting as mum has never knowingly hugged me (I put knowingly as can't remember life as a 1 year old).

Interesting to read about your relationship with your mum. I have honestly never had resentment or anger towards mum because NOTHING is mums fault; mum is what she is and I am what I am.

I can become angry and frustrated with the disease, but can't we all ?

Nobody deserves this horror, but as they say xxxx happens !

Thanks again for asking. It has really allowed me to open my heart and hopefully has encouraged others to do similarly. If any good comes out of this thread for just one person...........fantastic

My anger and resentment started way before mum had AD for reasons I won't go into.
Which is I guess why I struggled to find a way to care. I think I am finally getting there