Driving and its responsiblities

dunlin

Registered User
Jul 18, 2014
31
You are absolutely right!
Tough love.
They think being dependent on me equals 'their' independence,
But actually it's robbing them of their true independence isn't it, because I'm always bailing them out
Hmmmm.....
I love them both dearly and we used to have such fun times on days out, now it's just me running round spinning plates

They have a taxi booked for Wednesday's appointment.....I'm actually nervous about how it will go, I'm at work that day, so it's out of my hands
Thanks for all posts xxxxxxxxx really helpful xxxxxx
 

MERENAME

Registered User
Jun 4, 2013
236
scotland
Quick post as I've got to go taxi. I was in a somewhat similar situation 10 years ago but without the anger. My point is don't start doing the things they can do themselves as it can go on for years and years and you will wear yourself out.
 

daveyshadow

Registered User
Jan 14, 2015
38
Shopping

I am in the SW and the local milkman will deliver bread, butter type essentials and we have a farm food company that will deliver freshly made frozen meals all from telephone and postal orders as well as online. Hope you have something local similar.
 

henfenywfach

Registered User
May 23, 2013
332
rct
My Dad has been diagnosed with mild Alzheimer's

His specialist has said local driving is ok for now, but to notify DVLA which we've done (we are now waiting for their verdict).

He has had an exemplary driving career, with no driving offences or accidents over the years, and always driven with confidence and consideration for other road users.

Up keeping of driving documents though, has increasingly been a contentious issue........

Just spent the morning looking for an insurance certificate, and all I could find are out of date ones!?
My mother blames him (nothing to do with his Alzheimer's according to her) and gives him such a hard time over it, to the point where he gets very confused and more repetitive than usual.
Then she gives me a hard time, speaking to me like it's all my fault and my responsibility to put it right!
She told me that the latest certificate is the right one (it expired March 2014) and both me and the insurance company have got it wrong!
I felt like running away, I'm ashamed to admit
She speaks to me with such nastiness! I was actually shaking, hoping against hope I could find the right certificate in the folder.

Anyway she then announced that she would sort it herself............. so I've left it at that, knowing full well she won't be able to

She's so horrible, I can't understand why, and it makes me want to avoid brining it up at all costs!

Not sure what to do now, as they are potentially driving around with no car insurance?!
Arrrrrggggggghhhh!

I know I have to be brave and tackle it again, no matter how thorny.........
Hi!..i know how it feels to care for one and to have to bite me lip when find it hard to accept the behaviour of the other..

My dad with dementia was thankfully refused a renewal of his licence..as im sure my mother wouldve completely deluded herself for him to carry on driving wouldnt have clipped her wings..

when it became obvious that my dad had no control over anything..i discovered that there were 3 years if paperwork missing???.probably binned or hidden...

Its not their driving that changes its their concentration..perception and even delusions..getting them to accept that is difficult...the consultant told my dad after i did!

If theres no insurance then its not just them but the public that are at risk. I saw the same car upside down..with old man inside..i was on a bus..driver was told by passing car...i was so relieved it wasnt him....from that point on i said id do what i had to do to get him off the road..even if anonymously. ..

I said to him id rather you not speak to me and be alive..than you get killed or kill someone..id have to live with that forever...

My mum still rants or gives him a row for things...i will not allow that..as hes got an illness she hasnt

Best wishes

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ASH74

Registered User
May 18, 2014
294
......... all very very good suggestions

If only my parents would embrace change just a little

They have neither been sociable or friendly, quite isolated actually.....which was fine when they were capable but not now they need help and I need help supporting them

You have no idea how good it is to read the posts on here and know I'm not the only one:)
We had the same problem with my inlaws socially isolated by choice ....and absolute refusal to use any form of transport other than their own car, FIL wrote to the DVLA telling them they were making his wife housebound. They have refused dial a ride (they will take you but won't collect you?) taxi card scheme (too expensive @ £2.50) can't walk to use buses any more....although I have had the guilt trip...I will walk to the shops if you don't take me!

We got FIL a mobility scooter (you can get a 2 seater one...this was also refused) and this had been a great (he still moans that it isn't as good as a car). They will use hospital transport.

We were told by the CMHT to take a step back as we were buffering them too much.

They still refuse to take a taxi a year on other than to the doctors or optician!

I set up the milk man I can order online before 9 for them ....plus home deliveries occasionally.

Sorry not a helpful post from me ...just a fellow feeling!

Best of luck!


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dunlin

Registered User
Jul 18, 2014
31
Hi me again!

Took them to dads appointment with nurse this afternoon for a routine check, and she gave him his other medication today instead of at tomorrow's appointment (with another practice nurse) to save them from coming back again.
Arrgh...... which is thoughtful of the nurse, but mum was triumphant at me cancelling the taxi booked for tomorrow.......

I'm taking them out Thursday for shopping which was already pre-arranged.....
But get this (and I hope you are all sitting down) she asked me to book them a taxi for Saturday morning so they can go pay the papers and go to the supermarket!!
I wonder if it will happen?

Ive sorted out internet shopping, and I can organise food to be delivered now (I know what they buy weekly anyway)
Reassuring to know they won't go without, and its one less trip for me

It's hard trying to respect their wishes, and guide logically at the same time

I really recognise so much in your situations to my own
 

Witzend

Registered User
Aug 29, 2007
4,291
SW London
Re taxis - I think some elderly people have a 'thing' about them - in their minds they are a great extravagance. My mother gave up her car voluntarily at 80, pre dementia, and we kept telling her how many taxis she could take with all the money she was saving on tax, insurance, servicing and petrol. But did she ever take one? She did not - it went so much against the habitual grain, though she was not over-frugal in other matters and not hard up.
She would wait for me or my brother to take her shopping. She hadn't exactly been one for going out a lot anyway, but I do sometimes wonder whether the extra staying in was a contributory factor to her dementia.
 

Pickles53

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
2,474
Radcliffe on Trent
Re taxis - I think some elderly people have a 'thing' about them - in their minds they are a great extravagance. My mother gave up her car voluntarily at 80, pre dementia, and we kept telling her how many taxis she could take with all the money she was saving on tax, insurance, servicing and petrol. But did she ever take one? She did not - it went so much against the habitual grain, though she was not over-frugal in other matters and not hard up.
She would wait for me or my brother to take her shopping. She hadn't exactly been one for going out a lot anyway, but I do sometimes wonder whether the extra staying in was a contributory factor to her dementia.
My mum was a bit like this, though she never had a car so couldn't use quite the same arguments. Eventually she would use taxis a bit, until she got to the point where she couldn't physically get into a car and was too afraid of falling to go out. I agree with you, that not going out was a contributory factor in her going downhill. She had gone out a lot before, and sadly very few of her friends came to see her at home, so she just gradually got more and more lonely and isolated as none of us lived anywhere near her.
 

dunlin

Registered User
Jul 18, 2014
31
I know!!!
Mum is not confident on the telephone or with new situations (like booking a taxi)
Dad would probably give the wrong time/date because he just can't remember ......then get in bother from mum for getting it wrong

So if I do it, it smoothes over a potential argument/bad feeling

I'm hoping that if its a success, eventually she will gain confidence and courage to do it herself
 

Pickles53

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
2,474
Radcliffe on Trent
I know!!!
Mum is not confident on the telephone or with new situations (like booking a taxi)
Dad would probably give the wrong time/date because he just can't remember ......then get in bother from mum for getting it wrong

So if I do it, it smoothes over a potential argument/bad feeling

I'm hoping that if its a success, eventually she will gain confidence and courage to do it herself
Fingers crossed, I hope so too.I can see you want it to go smoothly at least the first few times. If you're doing the booking, perhaps you can tactfully mention anything you think it would be helpful for the driver to know?
 

dunlin

Registered User
Jul 18, 2014
31
Yay!

They managed it.......to use a taxi there and back to the supermarket

I know it doesn't seem that big an achievement, but it really is for them :)
I stayed in next to the phone for back up if they needed

It was cold waiting for the car to arrive, but other than that it was fine.

I'm so pleased because dad gets to maintain his routine see familiar people and chat, and they've got something new to tell me (other than "there was a different car parked on our road today.........." and the like)


Dad forgot how to write the letter 'j' yesterday, but then today a small triumph :)