do the days get better

Discussion in 'I have a partner with dementia' started by marmarlade, Jun 14, 2015.

  1. marmarlade

    marmarlade Registered User

    Jan 26, 2015
    hubby has been gone now for 5 months but still the days are lonely and im often in tears i dont sit about and mope ,but there is always this missing person to talk to and share things with,our visits are gone a bit down hill again as he seems to be getting more set in the ways of the home which i suppose he will. he,s happy and looks very well ,it just seems to be me.maybe i havent given things long enough for my self to get used to being on my own. but if only we could put back the clock,but life has to go on and i would never not go to see him how ever upsetting it is when you get home alone.
  2. marionq

    marionq Registered User

    Apr 24, 2013
    I am currently facing up to having to do this very soon as I can no longer keep John safe. His desire to wander is overwhelming him and I am now on much too familiar terms with local police who bring him back. All of them delightful but not a way of life I could recommend.

    How both of us will cope with a care home I do not know but we will have to give it a try as I cannot do this alone. We cannot get the help of more day care as he is considered high risk so the choices are limited.
  3. marmarlade

    marmarlade Registered User

    Jan 26, 2015
    im sure like the rest of us you will shed tears and feel quilty for doing this but at the end there is no other choice as we cannot carry on by ourselves. you will get good visits and bad ones but what ever gets thrown at you you will cope as the rest of us has from some where we find the strengh to be brave for our loved ones
  4. truth24

    truth24 Registered User

    Oct 13, 2013
    North Somerset
    I am so sorry to read your post Marmalade and know how feel. It took me 6 months before I could bring myself to start living again and that was by making a New Year resolution to rejoin clubs I had left and by making myself volunteer for new things rather than revisiting those I had done before. Thankfully Fred has now settled and seems content. I have to remind myself that he is getting more care than I could possibly have given him now and content myself with frequent visits to what has now become my family. Life is still strange and feels purposeless but I try to occupy myself as much as I can with gardening, baking cakes for the CH, TP and reading but still get caught with bouts of tearfulness now and then, as do we all. Wish I could comfort you in some way but can only say that the pain will lessen somewhat and become liveable wIth but I don't think it will ever go away. Thinking of you.
  5. LadyA

    LadyA Registered User

    Oct 19, 2009
    Couldn't agree more with Truth. And as you are both, Marmalade and Marionq, just either getting used to this new stage or staring it in the face in the near future, I would encourage you to have a read through both Truth's thread "Fred" and my "Forward Ho!" - I know they are both long and ongoing, so obviously not read them all in one sitting!:D But with the input of others, they do give a sort of picture of the good, the bad, the ugly and the good again of the situation. It is a whole new phase of life both for our husbands and for us. And people respond to it in different ways. My husband was a chronic hoarder and I chose to have a clear out and redecorate - and make our house more my home, partly as a way of coming to terms with the fact that my husband was not going to be coming home again this time, and partly because I felt that for me, it would be easier to do this now, while he is still alive, and I could go and see him. Not like as final a thing as it would be after his death. But everyone is different.

    But one thing is sure, and I know I've said it before to others, but it bears repeating. Our husbands reached a stage when giving them the best care - the care they surely needed and deserved, and the care we wanted to give them - meant stepping back ourselves and letting others do the constant, 24 hour, day to day care. They reached a stage when, with the best will in the world, we simply could not, on our own, give them the level of care they needed, the level of care that a fully equipped, fully staffed nursing home can give.

    It took time, but my husband loves his "home" - there is always someone around, something to watch, something going on. There are always several staff on hand to help him. He is not frightened and insecure anymore (and therefore inclined to aggression) because he knows there are enough people to help him - it's not just me. Before he lost his ability to walk around unaided, he didn't get lost and frightened at night because he couldn't find his way back to bed - there was always several staff members up and about to help him. At home, I didn't always hear him getting up, and then would find him a couple of hours later, in tears in the living room, because he couldn't find me! When I see him now, so relaxed and content when I visit!

    Of course life isn't the same. But in a way, no matter what our circumstances, every day we wake up, life is not the same as it was. Some things have changed. It's a new phase of your lives, and it needs time and some effort to adapt to it, and learn to live this new phase, just as you needed time (and probably a bit of effort!) to adapt to being part of a married couple. xx

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