Disagreements with a person with dementia

[PAUL GAGIE]

Thanks for the advice guys. Mam hasn't had a medication review for a long time so I was going to request another one soon. I'm not keen on having someone else overseeing her tablets yet - a few weeks ago I hid her medipack deliberately so she didn't take any more but when I came in from work it was obvious that she'd been looking for it. The kitchen bench was a mess and so was our spare room where I use my PC and she was in a foul mood when I got up in the morning. If it gets to the stage of getting someone in I will make them aware of her tablets.

 

[phill]

If you move to having your mother’s medication administered by a carer or family member, it’s probably better to buy a medication safe rather than attempting to hide the medication from her. Don’t give her the combination - only give it to the people who’ll be administering the meds. The safe that was bought for my late father’s home was about the size of a small microwave, and sat on one of the surfaces in his kitchen/living room.

 

[PAUL GAGIE]

So following on from my other posts, a month on she still doesn't like her house and still doesn't accept the truth about how long she's lived there despite what myself and my sister tell her (she's asked this question a lot lately and my sister and I told her the truth). She still didn't accept the answer and it put her in a bad mood because she thought we were conspiring against her. I've recently taken her around to our previous address a couple of times and she seemed none the wiser. However I have toyed with the idea of doing a tour of all the places where we have lived before and in a specific order - is this a good idea or one that would make things worse? Her short term memory is poor but she can remember things from years and years ago when she lived with her parents - and I know roughly where this was too.

 

[backin]

We have all already commented on your original post. You don't seem to hàve accepted the advice given, I'd suggest you review the answers.

 

[Alisongs]

So today my mam, partly I think because she didn't take her donepezil when she's supposed to, has been asking me all day how long we've lived at our current address and got it into her head that we had only been there a few weeks as she was unfamiliar with where things are. The truth is she actually moved there with my late dad 24 years ago (I think it was because of his job) and I moved there in 2002, got my own place in 2008 and moved back there in 2018 after dad passed away. When I tried to explain this to mam she accused me of telling lies. Do I tell her the truth like I have been and get my head bitten off or do I try to go along with what she says and hope it doesn't come back to bite me later on?

Agree. Yes,we've been here a few weeks now. Then move the conversation on to a long ago memory mum is more likely to remember or imagine. Mum, where did you live when you were little? And ask gentle questions based on what you're told. You could write it down for her and make a scrapbook of things she tells you, and find pictures and photos to reminisce again later. Reinforce the happy stuff. Mum will forget what she asked and you'll be prepared!

 

[Alisongs]

So following on from my other posts, a month on she still doesn't like her house and still doesn't accept the truth about how long she's lived there despite what myself and my sister tell her (she's asked this question a lot lately and my sister and I told her the truth). She still didn't accept the answer and it put her in a bad mood because she thought we were conspiring against her. I've recently taken her around to our previous address a couple of times and she seemed none the wiser. However I have toyed with the idea of doing a tour of all the places where we have lived before and in a specific order - is this a good idea or one that would make things worse? Her short term memory is poor but she can remember things from years and years ago when she lived with her parents - and I know roughly where this was too.

Old memories are much more embedded, have been gone over for years in her head. Talk about her childhood. If possible take her on a day trip to her childhood haunts. Show her and discuss pictures and photos of what used to be. On a visit take pictures with mum in them! Let mum lead conversations with what she remembers. Her memory is failing her. When mum can remember something she is not failing. Forgetting is not a failure or a crime. It's an incurable illness

 

[SeaSwallow]

Hi @PAUL GAGIE your mum has dementia. She truly believes what she is saying is right. No matter what you say you and your sister will not persuade her otherwise.
Please read again the advice given to you back when you originally posted in April and try to follow it. It will truly make your life a lot easier and calmer.
Your mum cannot change so unfortunately you will have to. There is a saying on this forum, used by members with a lot of experience. We have to live in their world as they cannot live in ours. I have learnt that lesson the hard way.

 

[PAUL GAGIE]

Hi @PAUL GAGIE your mum has dementia. She truly believes what she is saying is right. No matter what you say you and your sister will not persuade her otherwise.
Please read again the advice given to you back when you originally posted in April and try to follow it. It will truly make your life a lot easier and calmer.
Your mum cannot change so unfortunately you will have to. There is a saying on this forum, used by members with a lot of experience. We have to live in their world as they cannot live in ours. I have learnt that lesson the hard way.

Since the start of the year I have been doing various little things to make our home dementia friendly for mam - red tape around the light switches and where there are stairs; labelling drawers; decluttering cupboards, etc. I'm now wondering about something else in our lounge. At the minute there are 2 kinds of decor in there - most of it is a plain and simple cream coloured decor, but above the hi-fi and across to the other side of the room above our TV in the corner is decor consisting of leaves and flowers. Mam hates says she hates this decor and after initially thinking she was being silly about it, it's now occurred to me that removing this part of the decor may be a good idea. I've read in the Alzheimers leaflet about dementia-friendly homes that strong patterns can be confusing and disorientating (Mam gets confused about all sorts of stuff including how long we've lived at our current address). We also happen to live across the road from a painter and decorator who could make the decor the same as the rest of the room. Any thoughts out there? Thanks.

 

[SeaSwallow]

Hello @PAUL GAGIE well done on trying to make your home as dementia friendly as possible.
If your mam has told you that she hates the wall with the leaves and flowers it would be a good idea to have it painted in the same plain colour as the rest of the room. As you said fancy patterns can be confusing to people with dementia.

 

[SherwoodSue]

Sadly it’s not just ordering supplements you may have have to curtail. PWD at risk to scammers etc
I guess you have alerted her bank to be on the look out for inappropriate spending. ?

Some have scratched off the security numbers from the back of the credit card. Offered to order a replacement but the ‘post is shocking etc’

Best wishes

 

[Angel55]

Since the start of the year I have been doing various little things to make our home dementia friendly for mam - red tape around the light switches and where there are stairs; labelling drawers; decluttering cupboards, etc. I'm now wondering about something else in our lounge. At the minute there are 2 kinds of decor in there - most of it is a plain and simple cream coloured decor, but above the hi-fi and across to the other side of the room above our TV in the corner is decor consisting of leaves and flowers. Mam hates says she hates this decor and after initially thinking she was being silly about it, it's now occurred to me that removing this part of the decor may be a good idea. I've read in the Alzheimers leaflet about dementia-friendly homes that strong patterns can be confusing and disorientating (Mam gets confused about all sorts of stuff including how long we've lived at our current address). We also happen to live across the road from a painter and decorator who could make the decor the same as the rest of the room. Any thoughts out there? Thanks.

💗 Hello

In my Dad's residential home they have doors painted in different colours rather than just white, so that people can find their rooms but the rest of the home is plain in quite calming sorts of shades no patterns. The carpets are all plain as well , the only place that has a pattern is in the sort of garden room where it is made to seems as if its outside but no patterns on carpets or floors.

If you are able and your mum is willing then it sounds a great idea , I think at least from what I have found is that the illness impacts on perception/vision and the depth of vision.

Take Care x

 

[PAUL GAGIE]

💗 Hello

In my Dad's residential home they have doors painted in different colours rather than just white, so that people can find their rooms but the rest of the home is plain in quite calming sorts of shades no patterns. The carpets are all plain as well , the only place that has a pattern is in the sort of garden room where it is made to seems as if its outside but no patterns on carpets or floors.

If you are able and your mum is willing then it sounds a great idea , I think at least from what I have found is that the illness impacts on perception/vision and the depth of vision.

Take Care x

HI there,
So I've removed said décor from the 2 bits of wall and what was underneath was the same as the rest of the lounge! The bit behind the hi-fi looked a bit bland so I've put up 5 separate pictures of tigers for mam (she loves tigers) but these are only stuck on with blu-tac. I would put up a proper picture nailed to the wall but I am not great at DIY so I may just leave it like that.