Depression advice

[Reardoa]

Hi, please be gentle as I'm new. My gran was diagnosed with Alzheimer's recently. She has daughter and a son. Her daughter lives abroad so her son (my dad) has to deal with everything.
My dad isn't someone who copes well and he's struggling to deal with my grans constant calls. It may not seem much but as I say he doesn't cope well. For me he is clearly suffering from depression but because of his former job he has seen what anti-depressents do.
Does anyone have any suggestions on what if any help might be available for him or anything that might help?

 

[nae sporran]

Welcome to TP, Reardoa. I'm sorry your dad and yourself have been left alone to deal with your granny's sad disease. Depression is a fairly natural reaction to the daily stress and the grief that comes with dementia. I found counselling to be helpful in communicating some of the problems and facing up honestly to what is happening, though others are less successful. Certainly your dad should speak to his GP about his options, CBT is another way of coping which I am currently exploring.
There is a thread on here which may guide you both in dealing with the phone calls, you'll it on https://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/threads/compassionate-communication-with-the-memory-impaired.30801/.
Sorry that's the best I can offer, but you will find plenty of supportive friendly people on here.

 

[garfield3]

Welcome , I'm a newbie here too, but was a lurker for a good while due to mum having dementia.
Would your dad go to see a Dr? I understand the reluctance to take anti -depressants though. Could your gran go to a day centre to give your dad a break?
You could try speaking to the Alzhiemer 's helpline . It is open 24/7. Can't give you a link since I haven't posted enough yet. However, I'm sure someone will come along soon to help out more. Hope you find a solution soon.

 

[Izzy]

@garfield3’s suggestion is a good one. The Helpline number is

0300 222 11 22

It isn’t open 24/7 but you’ll find the opening times through this link. They’re open until 8pm tonight.

https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/get-support/national-dementia-helpline

 

[Amethyst59]

Hello, welcome from me too. Caring for someone with dementia can be very isolating, and overwhelming. It might help you dad to find out what help is available in his area, so he doesn’t feel he is having to do everything alone.
https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/find-support-near-you#!/search
Another thing that has helped me immeasurably is counselling. Might this be something your dad would consider? I guess I have been lucky with my counsellor, but she has given me a listening ear, helped me to make decisions and has given me practical tips to make my life easier and happier.

 

[Reardoa]

Thanks guys. Very much appreciated. @Amethyst59 I'm not sure that he would. He is a stubborn and proud man (much like his dad before him) and I don't know that he would. I will certainly bring up the subject with him though.
@garfield3 My gran is very reluctant to leave the house. She's 96 as well so she isn't particularly mobile. I will definitely give the number a call tonight though.
If anyone has further suggestions any help would be really appreciated

 

[Shedrech]

hello @Reardoa
does your dad know that he doesn't have to take on the care for his mum on his own, indeed the duty of care lies with her Local Authority
your gran is entitled to an assessment of her care needs by her Local Authority Adult Services - when you or he contacts them say that you are not at all sure of her financial position and don't give any info, as a financial assessment should follow the care needs assessment - if she has income and savings over a certain level she will fund her care, otherwise the LA will at least part fund
from the assessment a care plan will be put in place which can include home care visits, day care, respite and a visit by an OT to look at aids and adaptions to the house that may help - including a carephone system which links to operators who can speak to your gran
knowing that care is in place may give your dad some peace of mind - do tell him that he need not answer every call she makes, he can chose when to call her back - maybe record an answerphone message in his voice saying eg I am a bit busy right now mum. I will call you back, so go relax in your chair right now .... or something that will settle her
he is also entitled to a carer's assessment from the LA
talking to an Admiral Nurse may help as they are there to support carers and family
https://www.dementiauk.org/get-support/admiral-nursing/
your dad may be concerned about finances - reassure him that he is not responsible for paying for his mother's care, and also that she will not have to sell her property to pay for care at home, although should she move into a care home she may need to sell
also look into applying for Attendance Allowance for her, this is not means tested, it is awarded to all who qualify by need - and when that is in place, apply to the Council for her Council Tax to be disregarded ie if she lives on her own, she will not pay any - so these help with finances too
it's also wise to get Lasting Powers of Attorney in place - maybe with you and your dad as joint and several Attorneys so you can help them both
I'm mentioning all this as it may help your dad to know that there are practical ways to help the situation, and you can, if you wish, look into all this for him to take some weight from his shoulders
post with any questions you have
and maybe suggest your dad join us here so he finds out that he is not at all alone with finding it tough to be suddenly placed in the role of carer - and he'll also see that we each find ways to cope, not perfectly but well enough to get by

 

[Toony Oony]

Hi @Reardoa
You have already received lots of helpful advice here for your Dad, and there's little I can add.

Most of us here, myself included are only too aware of what those constant phone calls do to you. How you dread the phone ringing ... and the guilt you feel if you don't respond immediately. What Shedrech has said about the calls is such good advice - get Dad to record a message, so he doesn't need to answer every single time. Just getting someone else to answer, or letting the answer machine reply to Gran with a soothing message, will give Dad a bit of control and a bit of 'respite'.
Is there anyone who could pop in and visit Gran - friend? church? neighbour? just to give Dad a break and feel he's not having to carry all the responsibility, all the time.

I felt quite low and totally overwhelmed having to deal with my Mum, she had carers and her behaviour was OK, but she was so needy and vulnerable - and I was the only one that she wanted. It's so difficult.

I know how hard it is to see someone you care for become more and more depressed. Aside from the counselling and medication, try to make sure Dad always makes the time to look after himself properly. Nourishing food - it's easy to not bother, and a bit of gentle exercise outside in the fresh air - just going for a walk, or going for a swim are all helpful. Particularly something where he has to concentrate just enough to switch off for a short time. He will also take great comfort from the fact that you are looking out for him too. Knowing that he is not doing this all on his own, will help.

My best wishes to you both.

 

[Reardoa]

Thanks everyone. A little more background info may help. He already has power of attorney and he has carers who briefly visit at meal times.
The biggest issue/worry I have is that neither of my parents are well themselves. Particularly my dad who is 70 himself and has heart failure. He has said to my mum he wants to go to sleep and not wake up. I'm not concerned he would do anything silly but it does lead me to believe he is depressed.
My dads sister/brother-in-law aren't helping matters as they wont acknowledge she has the disease even though she is diagnosed. She has refused to go into care and that would also be met with opposition from his sister (my feeling is that they are thinking about any inheritance)
I haven't been able to contact the helpline as yet. Unsurprisingly its very busy but I`ll try again today before leaving a message.

 

[canary]

My dads sister/brother-in-law aren't helping matters as they wont acknowledge she has the disease even though she is diagnosed.

My immediate (naughty) thought would be to remove your parents number from your nans phone and replace it with your aunts!
Seriously though, you do need a break. I once had 30 phone calls in an hour from my MIL. We had to switch the phone to silent for some periods during the day for our own sanity.