Dementia

[Careing]

my mum was diagnosed with dementia 2yesrs aga although I believe she had this long before the diagnosis.
Feeling very sad for my mum she has really bad Hallucinations , when this happens I have to bring mum to my house for a few days till she gets over it.
My husband says I care more about my mum than I do of him. He says mum can not live with us. His family have told him that I would leave him to care for my mum, I’m really struggling with all this, I love my husband but I can’t just leave my mum to go in a home.

 

[Beate]

Why can't you? It might be good for her to be in an environment with other people, staff and activities. No one can or should care for another person all by themselves, especially if it threatens their marriage. Have you got any help from Social Services? You are entitled to a carers assessment by law, and they could bring carers in or introduce her to a day centre or even give you some respite weeks. That might be better than taking her to your house and antagonising your husband? There really is no shame in asking for additional support.

 

[Bunpoots]

Hello @Careing

I understand you must feel as though you're caught between a rock and a hard place. Your mother can't help being ill and I can understand the strain her illness is putting on your relationship with your husband.

Caring for someone with dementia will rule your life if you allow it to and if your mum is having hallucinations she needs professional help. Is her GP aware of what's happening? Hallucinations can lead to all kinds of unforeseen problems which you may find impossible to cope with by yourself.

I agree with Beate that you should get a care assessment for your mum and a carer's assessment for yourself. There is help out there and no-one will want to put your mum in a home unless it is unavoidable. If your mum has a good care package it would give you more time to spend with your husband and you will all find it easier to cope.

Dementia is not something which one carer can cope with by themselves (although we all think we can to start with)

 

[karaokePete]

Hello @Careing, welcome to the forum from me too.

I agree that a needs assessment would be a good idea and both you(as carer) and your mum are entitled to this. Here's a link to a Factsheet that will tell you what that's about https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/sites...assessment_for_care_in_support_in_england.pdf

As you mentioned care homes I thought I would also let you have this link to a Factsheet about making that decision https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/sites...downloads/factsheet_selecting_a_care_home.pdf

I wonder if you have other matters like Power of Attorney etc sorted out. The booklet that can be reached with the next link will cover many aspects for you https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/sites/default/files/2018-07/AS_NEW_The dementia guide_update 3_WEB.pdf

 

[Rosettastone57]

my mum was diagnosed with dementia 2yesrs aga although I believe she had this long before the diagnosis.
Feeling very sad for my mum she has really bad Hallucinations , when this happens I have to bring mum to my house for a few days till she gets over it.
My husband says I care more about my mum than I do of him. He says mum can not live with us. His family have told him that I would leave him to care for my mum, I’m really struggling with all this, I love my husband but I can’t just leave my mum to go in a home.

There comes a point where your mum's needs will outweigh what she wants and what you can reasonably deal with. To be frank you and your husband are entitled to a life of your own. I don't think you should beat yourself up over getting more support . If you are going to bring her to your home every time she has an hallucination, she will come to expect it. My MIL had frequent hallucinations especially at night and they increased so much there was no choice but to place her somewhere safe which was a care home. Eventually she went from hospital but that's another story. If your husband and in laws are already resentful, as her condition deteriorates this situation will only get worse . No one with dementia wants to go into a home but you need to act in her best interests. Don't put your marriage and life on hold.

 

[canary]

To be honest, there are very few people with dementia who do not eventually move into a home. Once they need 24/7 care from someone around all the time day and night, it is very, very difficult for family members to manage. Dementia will eat up everything you can give and still want more. None of us would choose a care home for our relative and the person with dementia will often fight tooth and nail against going, but eventually there will probably be no other alternative. Many people find though, that once the person with dementia settles, then they become content and even thrive in the care home setting - my mum was one of them. Try reading this thread https://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/threads/please-dont-throw-me-away-breaking-my-promise.108788/ as you may find it comforting.

Whatever you do, please dont destroy your marriage. Eventually the dementia journey will finish and you will need your husband.