Good evening everyone, I am new to the forums. Some recent events which have transpired have compelled me to join this group and seek some much needed advice. I will give you a synopsis of my situation:
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My mother was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis when I was about 4, I am 22 years old now so the year was 1994 - though I cant remember precisely. Anyway, she has a progressive form of Multiple Sclerosis meaning that it will steadily get worse for the rest of her life. Her MS took a sever downturn when she fell down the stairs and acquired a small brain bleed in the back of her skull. The doctors "claim" that the bleed was insignificant and did not have any direct effect on her health; her behavior says otherwise.
It has been two years since the incident (Dec 26, 2010 to be exact), and my mother has gotten much worse. She can no longer take care of herself, this includes going to the bathroom, cooking, driving, or moving around (even in a wheel chair, her left side is about 75% paralyzed). Coupled with her physical disability is a complete obliviousness to the world around her. I suppose this is from the dementia: she has a very distorted perception of her health. When she is confronted with her condition she gets extremely defensive and hostile (especially towards the immediate family). When an "outsider" (friend, guest, etc) asks her how she is feeling she flat out lies. In fact, when a guest is around she is much more pleasant, but phony. It's is very ironic in my opinion because it is not the physical disability that is difficult; it is her terrible personality and comping mechanisms with her illness (which I believe cannot be attributed entirely to her illness - a tangent personal issue I have with her) that make doing anything kind for her almost unbearable.
To compound this terrible situation, I believe my father is afraid to "put his foot down" (as I've read on some posts in the forum) and do what he has to do to ensure that she receives the proper care. This complicates the situation immensely, as he refuses to deny her help when she gets nasty. The result is an extremely hostile argument 99.9% of the time (she will usually instigate the fight, saying things I would personally walk-out on her for if she was my wife). I am sure that if he does not stop trying to take care of her then he will "snap".
Before I continue with this great story I would like to point out that I've notice that the more someone helps my mom, the "lazyer" (or conveniently tired) she gets. This is not coming from my observations with my parents, but from with other home health aids and my first hand account. Is this a normal thing in dementia/disabled victims?
My Dad has tried to get help, but according to him acquiring the care she needs would put us so far in debt that we will have to sacrifice almost everything we own. Knowing my Dad's hesitation to stand up to my mother, sometimes I wonder if he is truly doing everything he can to get her into a home or at least full time care. Perhaps he is overwhelmed?
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This is where I come in: I don't want to sit back and watch my father take her abuse, at the same time I don't want to watch my father over react to every situation as a result of his stress. Right now I am planning on visiting social services Monday to see if we can get her a professional assessment. In addition, the next time a fight starts I will call the police and have them bring an ambulance - unfortunately I think this is the only way to change the situation. When I tried to call the ambulance tonight, I asked my father if he wanted to to and he insisted multiple times "no". I truly do not understand why, I asked him calmly why he didn't want me to make the call. He said it is his job not mine - my attitude is "who cares this has to get done". It's obvious to me that I will have to be the one that sets things in motion because it seems like my father is reluctant to take more assertive measures against the situation.
After this long rant, I am asking the community what else should I do to get my parents the care they need? Again, I am currently going to contact social services this Monday and probably the police the next time they get into a hostile argument. I am leaving in three weeks for school and am determined to do whatever it takes to change things in such a short time.
Thanks everyone for taking the time to read my story and your help.
________________________________________________________________________
My mother was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis when I was about 4, I am 22 years old now so the year was 1994 - though I cant remember precisely. Anyway, she has a progressive form of Multiple Sclerosis meaning that it will steadily get worse for the rest of her life. Her MS took a sever downturn when she fell down the stairs and acquired a small brain bleed in the back of her skull. The doctors "claim" that the bleed was insignificant and did not have any direct effect on her health; her behavior says otherwise.
It has been two years since the incident (Dec 26, 2010 to be exact), and my mother has gotten much worse. She can no longer take care of herself, this includes going to the bathroom, cooking, driving, or moving around (even in a wheel chair, her left side is about 75% paralyzed). Coupled with her physical disability is a complete obliviousness to the world around her. I suppose this is from the dementia: she has a very distorted perception of her health. When she is confronted with her condition she gets extremely defensive and hostile (especially towards the immediate family). When an "outsider" (friend, guest, etc) asks her how she is feeling she flat out lies. In fact, when a guest is around she is much more pleasant, but phony. It's is very ironic in my opinion because it is not the physical disability that is difficult; it is her terrible personality and comping mechanisms with her illness (which I believe cannot be attributed entirely to her illness - a tangent personal issue I have with her) that make doing anything kind for her almost unbearable.
To compound this terrible situation, I believe my father is afraid to "put his foot down" (as I've read on some posts in the forum) and do what he has to do to ensure that she receives the proper care. This complicates the situation immensely, as he refuses to deny her help when she gets nasty. The result is an extremely hostile argument 99.9% of the time (she will usually instigate the fight, saying things I would personally walk-out on her for if she was my wife). I am sure that if he does not stop trying to take care of her then he will "snap".
Before I continue with this great story I would like to point out that I've notice that the more someone helps my mom, the "lazyer" (or conveniently tired) she gets. This is not coming from my observations with my parents, but from with other home health aids and my first hand account. Is this a normal thing in dementia/disabled victims?
My Dad has tried to get help, but according to him acquiring the care she needs would put us so far in debt that we will have to sacrifice almost everything we own. Knowing my Dad's hesitation to stand up to my mother, sometimes I wonder if he is truly doing everything he can to get her into a home or at least full time care. Perhaps he is overwhelmed?
________________________________________________________________________
This is where I come in: I don't want to sit back and watch my father take her abuse, at the same time I don't want to watch my father over react to every situation as a result of his stress. Right now I am planning on visiting social services Monday to see if we can get her a professional assessment. In addition, the next time a fight starts I will call the police and have them bring an ambulance - unfortunately I think this is the only way to change the situation. When I tried to call the ambulance tonight, I asked my father if he wanted to to and he insisted multiple times "no". I truly do not understand why, I asked him calmly why he didn't want me to make the call. He said it is his job not mine - my attitude is "who cares this has to get done". It's obvious to me that I will have to be the one that sets things in motion because it seems like my father is reluctant to take more assertive measures against the situation.
After this long rant, I am asking the community what else should I do to get my parents the care they need? Again, I am currently going to contact social services this Monday and probably the police the next time they get into a hostile argument. I am leaving in three weeks for school and am determined to do whatever it takes to change things in such a short time.
Thanks everyone for taking the time to read my story and your help.
