Hi, Mum had the 90 min memory test back at end of Jan and we are still waiting the results but no doubt in my mind that she is mid or late stage as displaying every symptom, some of which have got much worse in last 3 months. In this time she has now started calling me multiple times during the day, hysterical, saying she wants to die, kill herself or my dad will harm her (he won’t). How do I handle these calls? Should I just ignore them and put it down to another symptom of dementia? (She has been on anti depressants/anxiety meds for years). She lives with my dad who basically ignores her. I’m a 6 hour round trip away so with work/my own fam commitments/ cost and various train strikes etc, am only able to get over once or twice a week. I do have a brother who is 30 mins away from her but he won’t communicate with me at all saying I have an agenda and he doesn’t trust me, yet all I want is the best for her. There are no POAs in place as father and brother said they weren’t needed when I suggested these a couple of years back. Mum has only state pension and small amount of savings. Not on house deeds or joint bank ac. Father has said he won’t pay for care for her but I do know that my brother has applied for AA (but worried that those monies could end up paying for general household bills rather than her care). I just don’t know what to do. Any suggestions would be most helpful. Thank u.
How do I handle multiple phone calls daily from hysterical 89yo mother wanting to die or kill herself?
- Thread starter Pinkrose1963
- Start date
I'm so sorry you're going through this @Pinkrose1963, that sounds like such a lot to deal with and I can imagine it's incredibly upsetting for you to hear your mum like this over the phone, especially multiple times a day.
I'm sure others will be along soon with practical suggestions, but I just want to reassure you that you've come to the right place and you'll find lots of support here.
I'm sure others will be along soon with practical suggestions, but I just want to reassure you that you've come to the right place and you'll find lots of support here.
It sounds harsh but I think that you should take a step back. Certainly stop taking the calls. If your mother tried to kill herself then your father would get help. Visiting even once a week when it involves a six hour round journey is a lot. When there's an intransigent spouse refusing help there's not much that you can do unless things deteriorate to the point that a safeguarding issue arises, in which case it's appropriate to get Social Services involved. Sometimes, you can't help and have to let things play out until there is a crisis of some sort.
I would, however, report your mother's threats of suicide to the GP and let him/her assess how real these threats are and adjust her medication if appropriate.
I don't know what your brother's problem is but I'd make it clear to him that the AA money must go into your mother's account and that it's to pay for care. Only your mother's assets would be taken into account in any financial assessment for care.
You could apply for a financial deputyship if it's too late to get a financial POA. I think that you could also apply to be a DWP appointee.
You are doing your best in a very difficult situation.
I would, however, report your mother's threats of suicide to the GP and let him/her assess how real these threats are and adjust her medication if appropriate.
I don't know what your brother's problem is but I'd make it clear to him that the AA money must go into your mother's account and that it's to pay for care. Only your mother's assets would be taken into account in any financial assessment for care.
You could apply for a financial deputyship if it's too late to get a financial POA. I think that you could also apply to be a DWP appointee.
You are doing your best in a very difficult situation.
Thank you for replying Violet Jane. I had already stopped taking some of the calls so am feeling better about doing this having got some outside validation.
I have already written to her GP and ASC outlining all her behaviors so will chase up on that.
I had forgotten about COP/Deputyship so thank u for reminding me so will investigate this.
She has had a very sad and hard life starting from being a child hood refugee in WW2 followed by a long marriage of indifference. There are no friends or relatives other than my (intransigent x2 ) father and brother and I to call on for support so she is desperately lonely as she keeps telling me and now very resentful. “Why am I all alone, what have I done to deserve the life I’ve had, we must have been terrible parents for you all to leave (my brother lived with them until he was mid 50s- another moved abroad 40 years ago). You should move nearer to us - everyone else has someone close by”. It’s relentless, my mind goes blank when presented with these sobbing statements daily and I can’t seem to engage with her or change the course of the conversation. My father said she is only like this when she is engaging with us ‘children’. (Not quite right given the phone calls above.
Thank u for listening.
It's sad that your mother has had a sad life but you can't upend your own life to make her happy. There's a good chance that you wouldn't make her happy anyway as many people with dementia are distressed and frustrated even if they have good support (e.g. a loving spouse or attentive children nearby). Would your mother go to day care or clubs? Possibly not as it sounds as if she and your father were never very sociable.
I've just noticed that your mother hasn't yet had a diagnosis. I was going to say that perhaps your father and brother don't accept that she has dementia but I see that your brother has applied for AA. On what basis has he applied for it? You need to have needed care for six months before you can receive AA but I don't think that you need to have had a diagnosis for six months.
I've just noticed that your mother hasn't yet had a diagnosis. I was going to say that perhaps your father and brother don't accept that she has dementia but I see that your brother has applied for AA. On what basis has he applied for it? You need to have needed care for six months before you can receive AA but I don't think that you need to have had a diagnosis for six months.
Im afraid that it is very common for people with dementia to be triggered by talking to family and to express thoughts and fears that arnt actually true and things that they dont actually worry about the rest of the time. I have seen it with my own eyes when visiting mum in her care home. It (fortunately) didnt happen with mum, but other residents have been happily chatting and laughing and then as soon as their relative arrived its like a switch being thrown - suddenly they are crying and distressed telling their relative how awful it all is and then, once the relative has left, the switch is thrown back and they are happily chatting again, all sign of distress gone. I couldnt believe it the first time I saw it!
I think that your mums distress and loneliness is internal due to the dementia. She is forgetting what has been happening during the day and I suspect that even if you lived with her so that you were always around, she would forget this, complain of loneliness and accuse you of abandoning her
I think that your mums distress and loneliness is internal due to the dementia. She is forgetting what has been happening during the day and I suspect that even if you lived with her so that you were always around, she would forget this, complain of loneliness and accuse you of abandoning her
Oh dear this is a lot to deal with and a miserable situation for you and your mum. If your mum is awarded AA it will be paid into the same account her state pension is paid into. But obviously it does depend on what your brother put on the form as to whether she is awarded it. Your mother does not need your father or brothers approval for you to set up health and finance PoA for her. You are doing your best for her.
