Thank you for letting us know how you are doing. It's good to hear that you are remaining positive and I am also sending you a pat on the back. Take care and good luck for the future.
Dementia’s journey
- Thread starter Dutchman
- Start date
definitely a pat on the back for getting through it. hope there is good news with pet scan. you have been strong all the way through it all.
So glad your treatment has finished, Peter, this must be such a relief. Fingers crossed that tests will give the best news. Thanks for keeping us updated, I was just thinking this morning that we hadn’t heard from you in a while.
I know your darling Bridget isn’t around to ease your recovery now that you’re home but hopefully your family will take her place. In any event, she would have been so proud of how you’ve coped with all this over the last few months. Concentrate on how well you’ve done and less on guilt over any perceived shortcomings over your care of Bridget. Deep down, you know (if nothing else because we’ve all told you! 😀) that you did above and beyond what most people would, so there should be no recriminations.
Wishing you all the best for your recovery and I hope you enjoy the Spring sunshine, if we ever get any, and the summer to come.
C xx
I know your darling Bridget isn’t around to ease your recovery now that you’re home but hopefully your family will take her place. In any event, she would have been so proud of how you’ve coped with all this over the last few months. Concentrate on how well you’ve done and less on guilt over any perceived shortcomings over your care of Bridget. Deep down, you know (if nothing else because we’ve all told you! 😀) that you did above and beyond what most people would, so there should be no recriminations.
Wishing you all the best for your recovery and I hope you enjoy the Spring sunshine, if we ever get any, and the summer to come.
C xx
Hello everyone. This almost feel that I’m back to square one. My constant feelings are during almost all of our marriage I was self centred and could have thought of Bridget a whole lot more. She mentioned several times that “you only think of yourself ” and in many ways it was true. I often wonder why that’s my nature.
Trying to make amends during her time in the care home, her time in hospital by seeing her constantly and pampering and supporting her was obviously too late and my devotion then should have been more obvious during the “normal years”. During the dementia years I had to protect and think of myself so I could care for her.
I’m told it’s impossible to “give” someone dementia but I wonder if my behaviour had a bearing on it all. Whether or not the hurt she felt from neglect had a bearing on what happened, like the strain of it all.
The thing is, there is nothing I can do about it now apart from trying to come to terms with it for some peace. That’s the rub as they say, that we cannot alter the past.
I now sit in our wonderful home feeling a little undeserving because she made this a home with love and I cannot share it, no matter what good alterations I make she isn’t here to enjoy our home.
Sorry to go on but I wonder how long it takes before we reconcile ourselves to the situation. Guilt lingers on and once they’re gone we cannot “make it up”to our love ones
Peter
Trying to make amends during her time in the care home, her time in hospital by seeing her constantly and pampering and supporting her was obviously too late and my devotion then should have been more obvious during the “normal years”. During the dementia years I had to protect and think of myself so I could care for her.
I’m told it’s impossible to “give” someone dementia but I wonder if my behaviour had a bearing on it all. Whether or not the hurt she felt from neglect had a bearing on what happened, like the strain of it all.
The thing is, there is nothing I can do about it now apart from trying to come to terms with it for some peace. That’s the rub as they say, that we cannot alter the past.
I now sit in our wonderful home feeling a little undeserving because she made this a home with love and I cannot share it, no matter what good alterations I make she isn’t here to enjoy our home.
Sorry to go on but I wonder how long it takes before we reconcile ourselves to the situation. Guilt lingers on and once they’re gone we cannot “make it up”to our love ones
Peter
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@Dutchman
Peter it’s good to hear that you have finished your treatment.
you must give that guilt monster on your shoulder a good bash. Don’t blame yourself for Bridget’s dementia. There’s nothing you could have done because it’s caused by a multitude of factors, none of which you could have affected. Your love and dedication to Bridget shines through but you have to find a way to come to terms with loss and treasure the good memories you both shared. Maybe when you recover from the treatment you will find it easier. You have done well to cope with it while you grieve.
Peter it’s good to hear that you have finished your treatment.
you must give that guilt monster on your shoulder a good bash. Don’t blame yourself for Bridget’s dementia. There’s nothing you could have done because it’s caused by a multitude of factors, none of which you could have affected. Your love and dedication to Bridget shines through but you have to find a way to come to terms with loss and treasure the good memories you both shared. Maybe when you recover from the treatment you will find it easier. You have done well to cope with it while you grieve.
Hello @Dutchman Peter, I can see you have been spending long periods reflecting on your relationship with your Bridget. I think you sum it up yourself when you write “ During the dementia years I had to protect and think of myself so I could care for her.” In her caring, you had to adapt and be the best for her, in whatever way you could manage. Dementia changed you both. But you are a very caring and loving person Peter, and by feeling guilty now shows that you regret not being the perfect carer, but as we all know, that person doesn’t exist. Bridget loved you for all your ways, we are all a little selfish at times, and you were under considerable and constant stress over a very long period, and once this stressful role was alleviated by Bridget receiving care in hospital and in the care home, you were able to revert back to your normal characteristics. Guilt seems to stalk dementia, but as @Melles Belles says, give it a good bash. Kick it out of your life. You deserve to feel better than this!
My daughter ( among others) is suggesting that I go on holiday as an adventure ( on my own, a singles holiday) to get out there again, have fun, it’ll be exciting she says, something different.
But being happy away from home and so soon after Bridget dying would seem to me a betrayal even though I was on my own for four years with her in the care home never knowing me as Peter her husband. We travelled always together. To go away and not share I think I would feel awkward and I’d feel a little guilty.
Why is it that adjusting to a single life is so difficult and full of regrets, times of grief and guilt. I guess I might feel differently next year, who knows?
Just feel so attached to her memory and the life we had which, in the normal days, was full of hope and promise.
But being happy away from home and so soon after Bridget dying would seem to me a betrayal even though I was on my own for four years with her in the care home never knowing me as Peter her husband. We travelled always together. To go away and not share I think I would feel awkward and I’d feel a little guilty.
Why is it that adjusting to a single life is so difficult and full of regrets, times of grief and guilt. I guess I might feel differently next year, who knows?
Just feel so attached to her memory and the life we had which, in the normal days, was full of hope and promise.
your daughters trying to be supportive. how are you feeling after chemo? it seems that you went almost straight into that not long after you lost bridget. ive got an idea that you will feel guilty whenever you decide to go any where. could you go somewhere you didnt go with bridget just for an afternoon perhaps to build new memories as well as having the older memories?
Hi @jennifer1967 thanks for replying and understanding. When things were at their worse in hospital i hardly gave Bridget a thought because i felt so ill.
Now I’m better i have space and I get so upset now knowing what she went through when dementia was at its worse. She must have been so frightened and frustrated and I wasn’t able to support her adequately or cope well with the bizarre behaviour .
Sure, she became more peaceful and content in the care home which gave her last years some form of meaning and happiness, but I wish I could’ve offered a little of that during her time in our house. But dementia ruined everything. It seems that the only chance anyone has of coping well is if you have some prior experience of dementia. Even then it can be too much. Ordinary people like me, knowing nothing, all I could do was to get through the day as best I could, never knowing what tomorrow might bring.
Bless you. P
