Dementia’s journey
- Thread starter Dutchman
- Start date
Thank you everyone for your kindness and support. Just come back from her grave after putting some more bulbs in. The daffodils are showing lovely. It’s quite an exposed spot so I didn’t stay long. Long enough to say I love and miss you and when the weather is better I’ll spend more time, tea and cake and tell her what I’m up to.
I don’t think we even quite get over the feeling that they are actually gone. Years of togetherness and all the things experienced ( usually good) make a deep impression in the brain. The ordinary things we did accumulate into lasting memories and can only be unique to us. Its the little, not the big, things I miss so much that made her personality.
I guess it’s the same for us all.
Peter
I don’t think we even quite get over the feeling that they are actually gone. Years of togetherness and all the things experienced ( usually good) make a deep impression in the brain. The ordinary things we did accumulate into lasting memories and can only be unique to us. Its the little, not the big, things I miss so much that made her personality.
I guess it’s the same for us all.
Peter
As the weather get warmer you will be more comfortable spending time there. Hopefully after Easter it will be milder and maybe not so wet. I’m sure Bridget would have loved the bulbs you have planted, daffodils are so cheerful.
I had a rough time of sadness this morning. I guess it’s because it’s been Bridget’s birthday and I feel more alone than ever. I don’t miss the bad dementia times. But strangely enough I miss her being in the world, good and bad.
There’s so many things I could’ve done differently to make the situation more peaceful - the way I handled her moods, I could’ve been more loving in my responses to behaviour. I have to live with that.
I remember when she first went into the care home I wanted her back so much that it would’ve been so easy to take her for a drive and bring her home. My heart aches for her wanting to be anywhere but the care home. But it would’ve been wrong but my emotions were so delicate that I really didn’t care.
I miss her so much at times that I cry “why you, why us?”. And there’s no answer to that. It just is.
There’s so many things I could’ve done differently to make the situation more peaceful - the way I handled her moods, I could’ve been more loving in my responses to behaviour. I have to live with that.
I remember when she first went into the care home I wanted her back so much that it would’ve been so easy to take her for a drive and bring her home. My heart aches for her wanting to be anywhere but the care home. But it would’ve been wrong but my emotions were so delicate that I really didn’t care.
I miss her so much at times that I cry “why you, why us?”. And there’s no answer to that. It just is.
Hi @Dutchman
You're a sensible chap that has had to contend with a lot. At each stage, you did what at that time you thought was best. You could have done no more than your best.
"What if" thoughts now are not constructive, and can't change what has passed.
More importantly, your love for your OH still remains; and your memories of your OH still remain. They will carry on being with you.
There is no real rhyme or reason why some bodies get dementia and some don't other than possibly genes.
By the time a person is born, the genes are set and it's too late to even worry about things that are not within a person's control.
Moods pass as well.
Best wishes.
You're a sensible chap that has had to contend with a lot. At each stage, you did what at that time you thought was best. You could have done no more than your best.
"What if" thoughts now are not constructive, and can't change what has passed.
More importantly, your love for your OH still remains; and your memories of your OH still remain. They will carry on being with you.
There is no real rhyme or reason why some bodies get dementia and some don't other than possibly genes.
By the time a person is born, the genes are set and it's too late to even worry about things that are not within a person's control.
Moods pass as well.
Best wishes.
Things always seem worse on significant dates like birthdays and anniversaries
We are not robots with perfect responses unclouded by emotion
There was a member on here who used to say - dont "should" yourself
((((((((((((((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))))))))))
I doubt that you could have done, because you did all that you could
We are not robots with perfect responses unclouded by emotion
There was a member on here who used to say - dont "should" yourself
((((((((((((((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))))))))))
Bridget will always be with you. I think, I hope, that eventually happy memories override the sad ones, the bad dementia ones. Remember though that some dementia days were fun and all were filled with love. Sadly grief is always present and it’s how we learn to manage it and live with it that will help us to find hope a, sense of purpose and, dare I say it, some happiness.
It is 16 months since James died and the pain I feel is not as raw and visceral as in the earlier months. I do still have what ifs and guilt (I think at one point I had @canary ’s stick for whacking the guilt monster on permanent loan). However in better days I know I did all I could for James As you did for Bridget.
Be kind to yourself, look after your health and try to be with friends and family doing things that make you smile. Your heart may not be in tune yet but when you’re ready let it sing.
You are a good man, that shines through your posts. You deserve a good life.
It is 16 months since James died and the pain I feel is not as raw and visceral as in the earlier months. I do still have what ifs and guilt (I think at one point I had @canary ’s stick for whacking the guilt monster on permanent loan). However in better days I know I did all I could for James As you did for Bridget.
Be kind to yourself, look after your health and try to be with friends and family doing things that make you smile. Your heart may not be in tune yet but when you’re ready let it sing.
You are a good man, that shines through your posts. You deserve a good life.
Just really putting my thoughts down.
I look at all the photos of Bridget when she was in the care home, especially when she seemed happy, and it’s very difficult to believe that she’s gone. It’s almost like I could drive there today and she’d still be there. The pictures of her are so close and yet so far away from reality but my mind doesn’t want to accept she’s gone.
I look at the photos and grieve and cry but not to look at her is impossible so I’m stuck to be constantly pining for her.
And there’s a mixture of my sadness and knowing what she went through while in the care home and the agony she must have experienced in those bad dementia years prior to being cared for.
Does time really lessen all of this? I don’t know.
I look at all the photos of Bridget when she was in the care home, especially when she seemed happy, and it’s very difficult to believe that she’s gone. It’s almost like I could drive there today and she’d still be there. The pictures of her are so close and yet so far away from reality but my mind doesn’t want to accept she’s gone.
I look at the photos and grieve and cry but not to look at her is impossible so I’m stuck to be constantly pining for her.
And there’s a mixture of my sadness and knowing what she went through while in the care home and the agony she must have experienced in those bad dementia years prior to being cared for.
Does time really lessen all of this? I don’t know.
Hi @Dutchman
It's been only a v short while, so I'm not surprised things are still raw.
I don't think time lessens your loss or your feelings, other than the feelings get a bit fainter.
However, time allows you - if you wish it to - to better come to terms with your loss and to allow acceptance to come more to the fore.
You still have some life to live, and I don't think you can or ought to live all your life in the past.
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I have photos of my husband all over the house. I also have one by the television so am looking at him most of the time.
When I think of him I’m relieved he escaped COVID and lockdown and the problems carers now have and this encourages me to feel relief he’s not having to face all these challenges.
It`s hard to live alone but even harder to watch someone’s health deteriorating , knowing there’s no hope of recovery.
When I think of him I’m relieved he escaped COVID and lockdown and the problems carers now have and this encourages me to feel relief he’s not having to face all these challenges.
It`s hard to live alone but even harder to watch someone’s health deteriorating , knowing there’s no hope of recovery.
Bridget had a massive stroke which, although she stayed alive for another 10 days, finished her that morning in September last year. I thought we had longer but it wasn’t to be and you could say that perhaps it better that way rather than slipping away slowly over years. I’m not sure what’s best. Either way it breaks your heart.
You’re right @Grannie, when you know there’s no hope of recovery it’s hard, but we cling on to that person and need just one more day, a month, a year together. Even though I knew dementia was terminal the shock of losing her so suddenly has thrown me. I thought the funeral would draw a line under it all but it just emphasises the emptiness with her no longer here.
You’re right @Grannie, when you know there’s no hope of recovery it’s hard, but we cling on to that person and need just one more day, a month, a year together. Even though I knew dementia was terminal the shock of losing her so suddenly has thrown me. I thought the funeral would draw a line under it all but it just emphasises the emptiness with her no longer here.
I find that lately I’m feeling more and more lonely with the chemotherapy journey I’m on not helping.
Although Bridget was unable to function as even a friend to me in her care home it was at least a visit I looked forward to just see her and help her and be with her in her last moments.
I really lost her years ago when dementia took hold but when you’ve been with someone for so long I never really stopped loving her although it was extremely difficult and exhausting at times.
I only hope matters improve for me. The guilt of the things I did wrong, of the times she said “ you only think of yourself “, resonate with me now . I can’t do anything about it now and that, in itself, is hard to come to terms with. I wish I’d been more understanding and sympathetic at times.
I’m advised by a Cruse person to write a letter to Bridget saying I’m sorry and how much I wish I’d done things differently. I could try.
Although Bridget was unable to function as even a friend to me in her care home it was at least a visit I looked forward to just see her and help her and be with her in her last moments.
I really lost her years ago when dementia took hold but when you’ve been with someone for so long I never really stopped loving her although it was extremely difficult and exhausting at times.
I only hope matters improve for me. The guilt of the things I did wrong, of the times she said “ you only think of yourself “, resonate with me now . I can’t do anything about it now and that, in itself, is hard to come to terms with. I wish I’d been more understanding and sympathetic at times.
I’m advised by a Cruse person to write a letter to Bridget saying I’m sorry and how much I wish I’d done things differently. I could try.
Thank you for your replies. I guess it could be the illness. I can’t even go for a walk to get away from my home and memories as the cancer has affected my legs.
I’m hoping by May I’ll be in a better place with all of this.
Thanks again
I’m hoping by May I’ll be in a better place with all of this.
Thanks again
Chemo is , in my experience, completely yuk, physically and mentally. I am not surprised you are feeling so dreadful, I found it awful with my husband’s support (he was only at the beginning of his dementia journey then), to do it on your own must be so much worse. Please try to be easier on yourself, I am sure Bridget would only wish you well and did not blame you for anything, try to be kinder to yourself Dutchman.
Just to let you all know I’ve just walked away from the hospital after finishing my last chemotherapy session. Of course I’m relieved but careful not to get too comfortable with it as I’ve still got a PET scan to do to determine if it really has all gone.
Anyway, I’m remaining positive. Bridget would have understood my cancer journey and the ups and downs and in normal times would have cared for me completely. I spared her that. That’s what I miss, seeing her, having someone who loves you who cares for you no matter what.
I’ve done it on my own mostly so pat on the back for me👏
Anyway, I’m remaining positive. Bridget would have understood my cancer journey and the ups and downs and in normal times would have cared for me completely. I spared her that. That’s what I miss, seeing her, having someone who loves you who cares for you no matter what.
I’ve done it on my own mostly so pat on the back for me👏
