Dementia’s journey

[canary]

Peter, I do feel that you are constantly trying to work out what she is thinking and feeling, but honestly, her perception of what is happening will not be the same as yours.

One thing, for example, is that people with more advanced dementia are not aware of time passing. Time becomes like a series of moments, none of which have any connections with any of the others. They live more and more in the eternal Now, with no concept of past or future.

My OH is already getting like that. He always want things done now and when I asked him if it couldnt wait and why did it always have to be done right then, he was confused and said "what other time is there? There is only now" - a very profound observation. The concept of waiting is meaningless to him as it requires an understanding of time passing, and he no longer has this understanding.

You cannot think about what it would be like for Bridget by trying to imagine what it would be like for you because Bridget does not experience it the same way, so please do not distress yourself with imagining.
xx

 

[Dutchman]

Peter, I do feel that you are constantly trying to work out what she is thinking and feeling, but honestly, her perception of what is happening will not be the same as yours.

One thing, for example, is that people with more advanced dementia are not aware of time passing. Time becomes like a series of moments, none of which have any connections with any of the others. They live more and more in the eternal Now, with no concept of past or future.

My OH is already getting like that. He always want things done now and when I asked him if it couldnt wait and why did it always have to be done right then, he was confused and said "what other time is there? There is only now" - a very profound observation. The concept of waiting is meaningless to him as it requires an understanding of time passing, and he no longer has this understanding.

You cannot think about what it would be like for Bridget by trying to imagine what it would be like for you because Bridget does not experience it the same way, so please do not distress yourself with imagining.
xx

Hello @canary . Thanks for your kind reply. Your comments have had a sobering effect on me. Over this weekend, since you wrote, I come to realise that I’ve mistakenly projected my hope and wishes on to Bridget in the belief that she can think of me still as her special person and return my affection. Of course this she cannot do.

I accept she lives in a different world now and for the majority of the time she lives from day to day surrounded by familiar sounds, people and routine. I live surrounded by our memories and I fool myself into thinking I can keep alive our relationship in a very simple form. But that’s impossible. I could stay with her all day every day and I suspect she still wouldn’t love me as much as I’d like. Her world is too restricted.
It’s very sad to realise this and very mentally draining to keep wishing and hoping. But, like a drug, I keep doing the same thing. After such a long time together, mostly happy, I never considered a life without her. She’s part of the fabric of this house.
Thanks Canary❤️

 

[canary]

I think the love remains, but she can no longer express it in the way that you want her to.
The carers have said that they think she knows when you are there, but she is not distressed by your absence because she is unaware of time passing. She cannot worry that you will abandon her, because she cannot think about the future. She cannot compare her life now to what she had previously because the past is forgotten (apart from occasional flashes of reminiscence). She does not wonder why things happen, or dont happen, or why you do or do not do things. She only knows what is now. She knows when you are there and (I believe) she still knows that she loves you, but she cannot do any more.

 

[Dutchman]

I think the love remains, but she can no longer express it in the way that you want her to.
The carers have said that they think she knows when you are there, but she is not distressed by your absence because she is unaware of time passing. She cannot worry that you will abandon her, because she cannot think about the future. She cannot compare her life now to what she had previously because the past is forgotten (apart from occasional flashes of reminiscence). She does not wonder why things happen, or dont happen, or why you do or do not do things. She only knows what is now. She knows when you are there and (I believe) she still knows that she loves you, but she cannot do any more.

Thank you Canary ( I’m Peter by the way). You’re right and I know you’re right. This dementia tricks the mind and leaves me longing for the impossible.
You’re the voice of reason and it’s much appreciated

 

[Knitandpurl]

What annoys me is that it was all planned for a visit this weekend and then the parents bow to the pressure of the daughter whining that she wants to go to this party. And I’m expected to alter my time to accommodate this. So little parental backbone.

But on the other hand if they had of insisted the child would be sulking and moping around and I can’t be doing with that. If they cancel again I’ll realise that it’s just another excuse and they can shove it. Better they want to come than be here with on sufferance. Bridget deserves better than that from her son.

If I get dementia and have gone so far on the journey that I am in a Care Home and no longer know who my children are, I do NOT want them to visit. I want them to remember me as I was and get on with making the best lives they can for themselves and their families. Their visiting would make no difference to me, but for them it would be a dreadful grief. I think when our loved ones are going through dementia’s journey it is very easy to turn the awful emotions we go through on to our family, just as we need to use compassionate communication with our PWD I think we need to save same for both ourselves and our siblings, children, friends etc. , they grieve too and people handle it, or not, in different ways.

 

[notsogooddtr]

If I get dementia and have gone so far on the journey that I am in a Care Home and no longer know who my children are, I do NOT want them to visit. I want them to remember me as I was and get on with making the best lives they can for themselves and their families. Their visiting would make no difference to me, but for them it would be a dreadful grief. I think when our loved ones are going through dementia’s journey it is very easy to turn the awful emotions we go through on to our family, just as we need to use compassionate communication with our PWD I think we need to save same for both ourselves and our siblings, children, friends etc. , they grieve too and people handle it, or not, in different ways.

I agree. I made the mistake of expecting everyone to feel and do the same as me when my parents were ill. My siblings are much younger than me and had young children. I was completely unreasonable. I wish I'd cut them a lot more slack especially as my sister died before both our parents.

 

[canary]

When mum moved into her care home and after she had settled, her old personality (though not her memory) returned and she became a whole lot of fun again. Her face used to light up every time she saw me. She had two good years there and although her third and final year was marred by a fall that broke her wrist, a chest infection, multiple UTIs, a stroke and then finally a fall that fractured her hip, I have good memories of visiting her. I wouldnt have missed it for the world.

 

[Dutchman]

Sad day. My cat Poppy suddenly died this morning after coming back home from the vets. I didn’t have her long but she was no trouble and liked my company. Quite a shock actually.?

We just get used to things and again they’re snatched away from us! Grrrrrr.

 

[canary]

Im so sorry Peter. Our pets are very dear to us
(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))))))))

 

[Jaded'n'faded]

Oh gosh I'm really sorry to hear that, Peter. I was thinking recently what a good match she'd made with you and I know you had come to really enjoy her gentle company.

Perhaps there's another cat at the rescue place that would love the same quiet companionship.

 

[jennifer1967]

she and they would be lucky to have you. a cat-shape gap in your life

 

[Dutchman]

she and they would be lucky to have you. a cat-shape gap in your life

Do I get another? I don’t know. Just so much heartache in store and, Lord alone knows, I’m having enough of that.
I’ll have break and a think

 

[notsogooddtr]

I am sorry about Poppy. But she had a caring home for her last months.

 

[Melles Belles]

So sorry to hear about Poppy. She had a loving home which is so important, even if it wasn’t for a long time. I’m sure there’s another rescue cat who needs your love and care.

 

[Dutchman]

So sorry to hear about Poppy. She had a loving home which is so important, even if it wasn’t for a long time. I’m sure there’s another rescue cat who needs your love and care.

Hi everyone. Thanks for the kind support and suggestions about another cat. I’m going to have a break from considering it and think again. I’ve always had a cat and I know the benefits of having one- company, the stroking that soothes the mind - and if Poppy had lasted longer then it would have been natural.

But they come with a downside. Poppy was another death to me after losing my Bridget’s mind to dementia. I’m not sure I can face more rawness. Anyway, that’s my thoughts this morning.

 

[Jaded'n'faded]

When a beloved pet dies, it's always a difficult decision - should I get another?

I lost my cat Moby a few years ago after 14 wonderful years. My boyfriend also adored him and was quite put out when I said I was getting another because no matter how nice the new cat, it could never replace Moby. I got Roly (the caramel one in my pic) and no - he did not replace Moby. But the era of Moby had ended and the era of Roly (and his siblings who followed!) had begun - that's how it felt and I definitely need felines in my life!

For what it's worth, I don't know anyone who has lost a cat, got and new one and said, 'I wish I hadn't.' As you say, you've always had a cat and as @jennifer1967 says, there's a cat-shaped gap in your life now.

 

[Old Flopsy]

I lost Millie last year and I was so upset I said I would not have another. But soon after OH went into a care home which had two resident cats and I soon realised I had a space in my heart for a new rescue cat so I took in Katie age 12 and she is a treasure and I feel much less lonely.

 

[jennifer1967]

its nice to be greeted at the door when i came home. weve had many cats and dogs over the years. they just want to be looked after

 

[Melles Belles]

What a lovely cat @Old Flopsy. She looks a bit like one of mine.

 

[Dutchman]

You know what, I didn’t realise what a wrench it would be losing Poppy like that this week. Suddenly alone again. Just really getting used to each other. I’m really tempted to get another and not leave it long as I want it to be normal to have a cat around the place.

I hate being on my own

Peter