Hi My mom has had Dementia for 2 years she is also a left leg amputee. My father has cared for her for 23 years since loosing her leg until he couldn't cope any longer, partly feeling guilty has she lost her leg in a motorbike accident. He stopped talking, eating and refused help until he ended up in hospital. At this stage I had to get mom in to care after living with her for a week, I realised why my dad had got so depressed. When he came out of hospital he joined mom in the care home as he wanted to be with her even thou he doesn't need a care home does not want to go back home due to the bad memories. My dad has said to sell everything and rent the bungalow out but my mom keeps saying she wants to go back to the bungalow. She doesn't realise dad cannot cope with her, believing she can do everything herself. I feel guilty as the only child and have put off getting rid of my parents belonging that they have gathered together for 60 years. How do I overcome upsetting my mom, do I tell her or not? I have a fantastic mom and dad. At the moment it seems to be consuming every ounce of energy and time deciding if to be blunt with my mom and tell her what is happening. All I seem to do with my wife is talk about the situation.
Decision Time
- Thread starter Rich01
- Start date
Hello @Rich01
I wouldnt tell your mum you are selling the house - there is honestly no need to upset her.
Unfortunately, most people with dementia do not understand that they have changed and can no longer do things that they once did. Your mum almost certainly honestly believes that she can live at home on her own, even though it is blatantly obvious to everyone else that she cant. Dont try and correct her, because she wont believe you and it will just make her either upset or angry. When she says she wants to go back to her bungalow, just be very vague in answer. I used to tell my mum that Id ask the doctor (I didnt - it was a "love lie")
I wouldnt tell your mum you are selling the house - there is honestly no need to upset her.
Unfortunately, most people with dementia do not understand that they have changed and can no longer do things that they once did. Your mum almost certainly honestly believes that she can live at home on her own, even though it is blatantly obvious to everyone else that she cant. Dont try and correct her, because she wont believe you and it will just make her either upset or angry. When she says she wants to go back to her bungalow, just be very vague in answer. I used to tell my mum that Id ask the doctor (I didnt - it was a "love lie")
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I sold my mums house last year. Didn't feel the need to tell her as it would only upset/annoy her.
She'd done a good job of giving things away (😨)
Beforehand so there was little of sentimental value for my sister and I to keep. Most of it went to charity and the rest binned.
It's not a pleasant task but once done less stressful for you than having an empty house to manage or tenants.
She'd done a good job of giving things away (😨)
Beforehand so there was little of sentimental value for my sister and I to keep. Most of it went to charity and the rest binned.
It's not a pleasant task but once done less stressful for you than having an empty house to manage or tenants.
I agree with Canary. It’s hard to face getting rid of your parents things, but it’s what your Dad wants and he’s the one who hasn’t got dementia. It’s also hard to not tell your parents the truth but I think it’s something we all gradually gave to get used to as carers, ‘asking the doctor’, ‘next week’, maintenance issues/repairs that need to be sorted before she can go home. Whatever seems best, certainly no point in the truth, will only upset her and she won’t remember.
Hi @Rich01 and welcome to Dementia Support Forum. We are a friendly and helpful community of people who have experience of many aspects of dementia. As you have found already, sharing with people who truly understand can help to support and reassure you. Please post again whenever you wish to and I am sure that you'll find help here.
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Tell your mum that your dad is convalescing after being in hospital and that he needs her to look after him.
There's no need to tell your mum that you're selling the house. It will only upset her unnecessarily.
I'm wondering about the legal practicalities though. Do you have POA for both parents and is the house in joint names?
There's no need to tell your mum that you're selling the house. It will only upset her unnecessarily.
I'm wondering about the legal practicalities though. Do you have POA for both parents and is the house in joint names?
This brings back some painful memories, Richard, so I really feel for you. When my mum couldn't cope on her own, we found a care home for her. She was never entirely happy there and I always wondered about taking her back to her house and getting live-in carers for her. On the other hand, my brother was keen to sell everything, including the house, and have done with it. In particular, he was concerned about the insurance for the empty property - which was high - as well as paying service bills, etc. He was probably sensible, because Mum never did go home - and anyway, because there was only one bathroom, I don't think the house would have been suitable for a live-in carer.
The fact is, in spite of everything, Mum would never have known if her house or 'stuff' had been sold; she never went back.
What did happen was that when she went into the care home, I asked her what she would like to take with her - there was a watch that had been my dad's and a clock that she'd been given when she retired. Not much else was asked for. Maybe you could ask your dad what particular things he would like to keep and if he thinks there's anything your mum would be keen to have with her?
Could the bungalow be rented out furnished?
Is it worth putting things in storage for a few months, just to make sure your dad doesn't change his mind?
I don't envy you this decision. Good luck!
The fact is, in spite of everything, Mum would never have known if her house or 'stuff' had been sold; she never went back.
What did happen was that when she went into the care home, I asked her what she would like to take with her - there was a watch that had been my dad's and a clock that she'd been given when she retired. Not much else was asked for. Maybe you could ask your dad what particular things he would like to keep and if he thinks there's anything your mum would be keen to have with her?
Could the bungalow be rented out furnished?
Is it worth putting things in storage for a few months, just to make sure your dad doesn't change his mind?
I don't envy you this decision. Good luck!
Its all fine to recommend lying, but if you dont have power of attorney , they can make you life crappy. the judge will not see it the same .
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