Dads First Night in Care

[Ann1923]

My dad 82 yrs old with later stage vascular dementia is without capacity and has been deemed at risk of living alone. He needs 24 hr care and the only option is a care home.
Me and my husband took him today. He didn't want to go, and since we left him has been walking the floors trying to find his way out (though he doesn't remember where he is or how to get home).
My head tells me I've done the right thing but my heart is broken. Does this get easier? In others experience will he settle?

 

[My Mum's Daughter]

Sad though it is, your Dad needs a team of carers to keep him safe and no matter how hard we try, this is well beyond a one person job.

Your Dad is now safe and will be well cared for. It's clear that you've not abandoned him and will visit regularly but it's going to take time for him to transfer his needs from you to the carers. Meanwhile the guilt monster will sit on your shoulder but you need to knock him off.

Speak to the home as they may suggest that you don't visit for a while. Yes I know this is hard but it may be in your Dad's best interest. Your Dad will settle and you will then be able to be his daughter not his carer.

 

[upsanddownsdays]

I can relate to this , my mum sat in the lounge of her carehome as she refused to go to bed . She would stand at the door waiting to go out . I found it so distressing to hear .
Over time , she has settled , she has good and bad days but she tells the staff how much she loves them and when I ask her if she is ok she always says she's fine .
The staff are so kind with her and she smiles and acknowledges them .
In this horrible illness it's all we can wish for that they are safe and cared for .
There is a lady of 102 in mum's home who was banging the windows trying to get out .
10 mins later she was smiling at me and chatting , it's the dementia, it passes . It's us that holds onto it unfortunately. Sending you strength xx

 

[sdmhred]

Bless you Ann - you have done the right thing. My mum is in a dementia specialist home. I have noticed that new residents will pace a lot the first few weeks, but each has settled over a few weeks. Everything will be strange, he will take time to get used to the carers and the new routine. The vast majority settle down fairly quickly, even the most challenging ones.

 

[Sarasa]

Hi @Ann1923, you've done the right thing, even if it doesn't feel like it at the moment, Your dad is in a safe environment even if he isn't happy there. The staff should have strategies to help distract him and eventually he should settle.

 

[Saralara]

My dad 82 yrs old with later stage vascular dementia is without capacity and has been deemed at risk of living alone. He needs 24 hr care and the only option is a care home.
Me and my husband took him today. He didn't want to go, and since we left him has been walking the floors trying to find his way out (though he doesn't remember where he is or how to get home).
My head tells me I've done the right thing but my heart is broken. Does this get easier? In others experience will he settle?

@Ann1923 I'm sure that many of us here have experienced that awful anxiety and possibly feelings of guilt and doubt at having to make the decision about placing a parent in a care home. It sounds like you probably had no choice. Hopefully the home will be open to visits and calls from you to monitor his progress and they can tell you how he is adjusting. I do remember lying awake at night with worry. So many of the people who post on here have experienced the feelings you have.
I hope all goes well for him and yourself and you get to build a relationship with the care home.
Sending you hugs.

 

[Ann1923]

Thank you so much for your good wishes and replies. The feelings of guilt are definitely here and it helps to hear others have experienced similar and that the restlessness should settle. Sending well wishes back your ways. Thank you