Dad thinks I'm his wife and acts quite inappropriately

[Elle3]

Ok...so of little consolation that he is still suggestive to you but the fact that he has now displayed this persistent behaviour to staff at least means it is not just you he is fixating on and they will seek advice now as a matter of urgency. Try not to be upset when your dad gets annoyed at you ...think of him by a different name when the dementia presents badly...so you can then distance that association from your normally lovely dad. The number of times I was told to **** off by dad when he was his dementia alter ego when visiting I lost count off. I could tell immediately from his body language in the first few seconds what sort of a visit it would be.

Thanks love.dad.but, I am made of tough stuff, so I know it's not really my dad and he can't help it. I would just like it sorting out soon, so at least I can visit him in peace or some sort of normal, if we ever get that with Dementia. My dad's body language changes too so it is very easy for me to identify.

 

[Elle3]

Another quick update. Nurse from care home rang me whilst I was out shopping, she has spoken to the Consultant at the Memory clinic and they have agreed to change his drug to something beginning with a P I didn't catch the name of it, as it was noisy. He will be starting on that as from Monday. Hopefully this might change his behaviour, fingers crossed. Elle x

 

[Elle3]

The last few times I have visited dad have been with my husband or my son and this has helped control dads behaviour towards me, if anything he seemed very disinterested in both of us when we have visited. On Wednesday when I took my son I discovered the photo frame which had the individual photos of my family in it, had been broken and my photo was missing, the staff have no idea where this has gone. The other photos and the picture frame have now been removed.

Today I visited dad alone but he was asleep and/or very drowsy for most of the time I was there. I was told by the nurse that the Trazodone has now been replaced by Risperidone. I am hoping things will start to improve, but at least I know now my son is happy to visit with me, he said he didn't mind being at the home as it was so nice.

Have a good weekend.

Elle x

 

[Marcelle123]

Sorry to read of your problem. I have an inkling that this sort of misinterpretation is not uncommon.

The man whose house we bought had dementia and we heard from neighbours that when his daughter came to pick him up to take him to a bungalow near her, they stayed overnight at a guesthouse and he made inappropriate advances to her.

Also my mother sometimes thought I was her mother not her daughter, and once she said that I was her 'wife' - just a total mix-up, though fortunately with no sexual overtones.

I can imagine how trying it is for you, and think you are right to distance yourself when it happens. You might try going out for a while and then returning, but if your Dad is still stuck in the illusion that you are his wife, then go in earnest.

And an excellent idea to take your son with you.

Hoping that a change of medication helps, and/or you find a way to cope with it all.
Best wishes xx

 

[MaNaAk]

Lol Mrjelly, I love that suggestion, but I think I might get some funny looks. His eyesight is pretty good too.

I think this is a good idea Elle!

MaNaAk

 

[Maggiesdad]

The last few times I have visited dad have been with my husband or my son and this has helped control dads behaviour towards me, if anything he seemed very disinterested in both of us when we have visited. On Wednesday when I took my son I discovered the photo frame which had the individual photos of my family in it, had been broken and my photo was missing, the staff have no idea where this has gone. The other photos and the picture frame have now been removed.

Today I visited dad alone but he was asleep and/or very drowsy for most of the time I was there. I was told by the nurse that the Trazodone has now been replaced by Risperidone. I am hoping things will start to improve, but at least I know now my son is happy to visit with me, he said he didn't mind being at the home as it was so nice.

Have a good weekend.

Elle x

 

[Maggiesdad]

My dad started being ‘over familier’ and acting inappropriately with the female carers that were visiting mum and dad 4 times a day - to the point that the ladies complained to their manager!! We eventually changed care to another care company to one that could send all male carers. I think dad was a bit put out and he denied any inappropriateness - well he would of course. Since mum died he’s come to live with me and although he’s totally appropriate with me he’s very ‘hands on’ with female visitors to my home! We always warn visitors and request that when he goes to greet them with a kiss that they grab both his hands to keep them under control! so far this works. It’s a very difficult situation though isn’t it?

 

[Shedrech]

hello @Maggiesdad
a warm welcome to TP
clever thinking to avoid a potentially tricky situation
maybe carry on the theme and make sure your dad's hands are occupied eg holding a cup and saucer or mug and plate, holding something for you etc - and sitting in a chair just out of reach ....
now you've found this supportive community, keep posting

 

[Elle3]

My dad started being ‘over familier’ and acting inappropriately with the female carers that were visiting mum and dad 4 times a day - to the point that the ladies complained to their manager!! We eventually changed care to another care company to one that could send all male carers. I think dad was a bit put out and he denied any inappropriateness - well he would of course. Since mum died he’s come to live with me and although he’s totally appropriate with me he’s very ‘hands on’ with female visitors to my home! We always warn visitors and request that when he goes to greet them with a kiss that they grab both his hands to keep them under control! so far this works. It’s a very difficult situation though isn’t it?

Hi Maggiesdad, welcome to TP. It is difficult, but it does sound like you are dealing with it very well. What Shedrech suggested was very good, giving your dad something to hold could very well work and distract him. I think of Dementia behaviour sometimes as being similar to how a child might act, they don’t realise they are being inappropriate but unlike a child they can no longer learn so we have to learn how to distract and deal with these things ourselves.

I’m sad that we have had to use medication to deal with my dads inappropriate behaviour towards me, but at least I can now visit without him getting upset when I said no, that was the worst thing.

Take care.
Elle x

 

[Bunpoots]

I'm pleased you can visit your dad again @Elle3 without him thinking you're his wife. It is very difficult behaviour to deal with.

 

[love.dad.but..]

Hi Maggiesdad, welcome to TP. It is difficult, but it does sound like you are dealing with it very well. What Shedrech suggested was very good, giving your dad something to hold could very well work and distract him. I think of Dementia behaviour sometimes as being similar to how a child might act, they don’t realise they are being inappropriate but unlike a child they can no longer learn so we have to learn how to distract and deal with these things ourselves.

I’m sad that we have had to use medication to deal with my dads inappropriate behaviour towards me, but at least I can now visit without him getting upset when I said no, that was the worst thing.

Take care.
Elle x

I am glad the situation is easing and sometimes there is a need to try medication to help to disrupt certain challenges

 

[Elle3]

Sorry to read of your problem. I have an inkling that this sort of misinterpretation is not uncommon.

The man whose house we bought had dementia and we heard from neighbours that when his daughter came to pick him up to take him to a bungalow near her, they stayed overnight at a guesthouse and he made inappropriate advances to her.

Also my mother sometimes thought I was her mother not her daughter, and once she said that I was her 'wife' - just a total mix-up, though fortunately with no sexual overtones.

I can imagine how trying it is for you, and think you are right to distance yourself when it happens. You might try going out for a while and then returning, but if your Dad is still stuck in the illusion that you are his wife, then go in earnest.

And an excellent idea to take your son with you.

Hoping that a change of medication helps, and/or you find a way to cope with it all.
Best wishes xx

Thank you Marcelle 123, I think it was definitely the Trazodone that was making him act like that, since the change in medication he has been fine, although now I’ve noticed he’s been more tired and confused verbally. You can’t win.

Before the change in medication I tried walking away and leaving him for 5/10 mins but he would just resume where he left off when I returned, it did help though having my husband or son with me and not visiting him on my own. He then became totally disinterested in both of us and just went to sleep, which wasn’t that good either.

Elle x

 

[Marcelle123]

Elle3, I'm so glad that the change in medication sorted the problem.
Very best wishes. xx

 

[Elle3]

I’m a little bit annoyed, I thought the change in dad’s medication had stopped his inappropriate behaviour, but I found out today, just in passing from one of the female carers that on Sunday night dad thought she was his wife and he was trying to get her into bed with him and kiss her etc. So it hasn’t stopped. The worst bit is that she didn’t record the incident in his file, so nobody else was aware of this.

Supposedly all the staff have been told to record all incidents of dads challenging behaviour as this is needed to support our application for NHS CHC funding, which is being reviewed in the next 28 days. However, I have now witnessed in just the last couple of days dad’s violent behaviour towards the male carers and this hasn’t been recorded and I’ve been told of a number of incidents that haven’t been put in his file either.

I had noticed this past week, dad has gone from being very tired and sleepy all the time to being very agitated, grumpy and aggressive and he barely talks to me and seems non plussed about me visiting. Something isn’t right.

Sorry for moaning.

Elle x

 

[nae sporran]

That's not moaning, Elle. You have good reason to be concerned and to go back to the care manager and your dad's GP.

 

[70smand]

Oh Elle, sorry to read this . Every so often I would ask to see dad’s drug chart and photograph it so I could send it to his consultant if need be and to reassure myself what dad was receiving. Sometimes the gp would review and change his meds and we would be told nothing about it, but usually I would know something was amiss because he was very drowsy, not the other way round. Could he have an infection at all? Although that’s usually the first thing they look at when someone’s behaviour changes. And dad was put on a behaviour chart when he played up so they had to document everything.

 

[love.dad.but..]

I’m a little bit annoyed, I thought the change in dad’s medication had stopped his inappropriate behaviour, but I found out today, just in passing from one of the female carers that on Sunday night dad thought she was his wife and he was trying to get her into bed with him and kiss her etc. So it hasn’t stopped. The worst bit is that she didn’t record the incident in his file, so nobody else was aware of this.

Supposedly all the staff have been told to record all incidents of dads challenging behaviour as this is needed to support our application for NHS CHC funding, which is being reviewed in the next 28 days. However, I have now witnessed in just the last couple of days dad’s violent behaviour towards the male carers and this hasn’t been recorded and I’ve been told of a number of incidents that haven’t been put in his file either.

I had noticed this past week, dad has gone from being very tired and sleepy all the time to being very agitated, grumpy and aggressive and he barely talks to me and seems non plussed about me visiting. Something isn’t right.

Sorry for moaning.

Elle x

Not moaning at all...that is frustrating however maybe that indicates it is his compulsive dementia presentation rather than fdue to medication which needs a GP review to see if anything else will help. I would strongly urge you to speak to the manager...regardless of these incidents being required as evidence for the CHC assessment they should all be recorded in your dad's daily notes and it seems it isn't just one member of staff failing to do that it is several. There needs to be a written record not just so a review can be see if there are triggers or a pattern but if it escalates into something more serious his previous incidents are logged.

 

[Elle3]

Thank you for your understanding, I thought it was just me over reacting to things the home is not doing. I did message the SW yesterday and voiced my concerns as it was her request that the care home should log every incident of dads behaviour whether minor or major and they just don't seem to be doing it. She is going to raise it as a quality concern and ask that the quality monitoring team follow this up.

I think the home is very well equipped to deal with challenging behaviour but when dad entered the home there were only 5 other residents, now there are 12 residents (all challenging) but the same amount of regular staff and only topped up with agency staff, as there should be a ratio of 3 residents to 1 member of staff, I think this alone is an issue as the Agency staff are less likely to record incidents and I hate saying this but dad is not dealing well with these staff as they are mostly men and foreign. I think this is having an impact on dads behaviour as he seemed OK when it was quiet and there were less residents, but now that there are more residents he seems to be getting agitated and constantly complaining about noise and how the other residents behave, he won't sit with them.

I have also just had a phone call from the CHC Assessment team, they are now coming to do dad's assessment on Tuesday 26th June at 2pm. I am not convinced dad will be eligible for CHC funding, but it is worth a try, so it is more important than ever that the care home have their records water tight.

Thanks again.
Elle x