Dad thinks I'm his wife and acts quite inappropriately

[Elle3]

Elle, I'm sorry. This must be stressful and distressing both.

I don't have great ideas other than what has been suggested: definitely talk to the staff, maybe a medication review, visit in public areas only, and so on. You might want to remove that one family photo, if it's confusing him or acting as a trigger for this behavior.

This may not seem relevant, but please bear with me. When I visit my mother by myself, versus when I visit with my husband, she responds VERY differently. Something about the two of us being with her versus just me, seems to trigger different behavior and responses on her part. So I wonder if you don't visit by yourself, if that would possibly see a different reaction from your dad? It might be worth a try.

Sorry I can't be of more practical help.

Thanks Amy, good advice as per usual. I am thinking that I should try taking my son with me during the week and my husband at the weekends. So far in this new home I’ve gone on my own, my husband didn’t come with me last Saturday as he is still feeling responsible for the time dad escaped from his last care home, that was the first and only time he’s visited him with me in nearly 5 weeks. My dad has started to have issues with my husband and can get abussive and aggressive with him so he tries to keep away. It’s not easy! Other than my husband and my 2 sons there is no one else who could come with me, being an only child can be difficult at times as there is no one else to share the responsibilities.

 

[love.dad.but..]

Yes I remember, love.dad.but that you replied to me last time on my other thread, and that was useful. I’ve been making sure I don’t go anywhere alone with him and I sit usually in chairs with a table between us but it seems not to make any difference. Sometimes he’s totally fine and then suddenly out of the blue he will just say “I do love you, you know” and I can just tell his whole demeanour changes and it gets creepy. At this point I’ve started to tell him I have to go, especially if I’ve already been there a while, but then he looks so hurt and I feel so guilty. I have spoken to the carers and asked for advice, but to be honest they haven’t been able to give any, although they have come and sat with us and tried distracting him for me.

I wonder then whether the care home should involve the mental health team so they can assess his current medication as a cause or add another to help modify this latest behaviour. At dad's NH if the staff were unable to find a solution they referred the resident to the mental health team for help and advice in how to handle a particular problem

 

[Elle3]

Oh dear - this is obviously getting uncomfortable... As you know, we had it the other way round like with Ann Mac in that MIL thought her son was her husband, (the kiss on the cheek where she turned her head around and he nearly got a Frenchie left him totally mortified!) but fortunately in MILs case, it seemed to be a phase that waned with time....as she became more poorly I suppose.

Does it happen when you are in the communal areas too? Taking someone in with you may help, but I realise this is difficult. I think that Amethysts and Bunpoots advice is good - I bet the carers have seen it all before.

Trouble is, when I look into the mirror I see my Mums face too - can't really blame him.... I do hope someone comes up with some good strategies to help.

Thank you Malalie, it really is an awkward situation and as I’m an only child it’s made it harder as all the responsibility for visiting etc falls on me. I have two sons and my husband and that is it. My dad doesn’t take too kindly to men which is also a problem. He’s been aggressive towards my husband but luckily so far not to my sons, so I’m hoping I can persuade my youngest son who isn’t working to come with me occasionally to visit dad.

Yes it happens in communal areas, that sometimes makes it worse as he keeps then suggesting we leave, I just keep trying to distract him but he’s very persistent and the memory issue of being like a goldfish doesn’t help as it’s just like a broken record, constantly being repeated and he won’t stop. I think it just amuses the carers.

 

[Ann Mac]

Hi Elle,

I really feel for you. As Bunpots mentioned, we had a very similar scenario, with my Mil utterly convinced that her son was her husband. This started several months after she came to live with us, and it was horrendous to cope with. When it first started, we would laughingly correct her and she would accept it - and be mortified, poor thing. But it snowballed pretty quickly, becomming more frequent and her becoming increasingly adamant about it. Till we got to the stage where absolutely nothing we could say would sway her from this belief, when this particular delusion was in full swing (which was often). We had the innapropriate behaviour - inviting him to 'come to bed' (in front of our 14 year old daughter!) , trying to give hugs and kisses that were definitely not the mother-son type displays of affection. What was just as concerning, however, was how it shaped her attitude and behaviour towards me - because if he was her husband, then of course, I must be his 'bit on the side', the 'other woman'. She would explode (sometimes out of the blue) if he he called her 'Mum' or me 'love'. She would get furiously angry at what she perceived to be signs of his infidelity, not liking it if we sat next to each other, spoke to each other, if he kissed me goodbye or hello, sometimes even if we only looked at each other. Can't tell you how many times, even when he wasn't around, that she would start asking me how could I 'live with myself', knowing I was 'carrying on' with HER husband. And that would quickly lead to long and sustained bouts of verbal aggression. As I was her main carer, you can imagine how impossible that made life at times.

We could show her our wedding pics (she would claim that they were from 'just a party' or even that he was married to me 'years ago' but we had divorced and he had then married her), our marriage certificate (that was a fake, apparently). We went through a very strange stage where she would acknowledge he was her son - but claim he was also her husband, that they had got married in Ireland, where it was 'allowed'! She would stand there, screaming at me that he couldn't be my husband - because he spent every night in HER bed. 'Cringe' was too mild a word, at this stage! We would try to reason, to explain - all pointless, we discovered. And for obvious reasons, this is an instance where compassionate communication is absolutely no use at all - innapropriate talk, actions and verbal aggression are not something you can go along with in a situation like this.

In the end the only way we could deal with it was to cut her off as soon as she started. Correct her, refuse to discus or argue, and tell her to go to her room - there were times when OH actually escorted her to her room. Just her being near us was enough to feed and sustain the delusion for however long each incident lasted for. Taking her away from us, out of the environment was the only way that maybe, just sometimes, the delusion would stop - till the next time.

There were other issues, caused by extreme paranoia, delusions and sundowning that eventually led to her being admitted and sectioned. The hospital changed meds, withdrew meds, added meds - but still, when we visited, this delusion would occasionally appear, along with all the others. When we tried to bring her back home, within 5 hours, it happened again - and this time she physically attacked me. That was it. She went back to hospital, and from there to an EMI Nursing home. And even then, there have been times we have visited when this delusion has re-surfaced, and all we can do is leave - even if we have only been there 5 minutes - when she starts. In my experience - though I really hope its different for you - no medication tried had any impact. This delusion, the delusion where she believed there was a missing child or baby and she would be frantically trying to find it, the delusion where she believed there were terrorists and gun men all around her - mediction didn't help with any of them, they have only lessened with time and her deterioration.

I know how horrible it is, how guilty you feel when you have to restrict the length of visits because of something like this. At one stage, I even stopped visiting for quite a few weeks, and for several months after that, I would only visit with OH, because if he wasn't there she often was even more verbally aggressive and unpleasant with me. I just had to keep reminding myself that her getting upset and angry, often working herself up into a state where her anger made it more difficult for the carers after I/we left - well that outweighed the guilt. It was better for her if we restricted visits because it lessened the upset and agitation. Easier said than done, I know. But although perhaps your Dad's GP may find some medication that will help, or the mental health team (if you can get their input) might be able to come up with alternative stratagies (Mil's CPN couldn't!) , if it turns out that nothing but time will stop this delusion, I think you have to prepare yourself to cut down on visits, and keep them short till this delusion eventually, hopefully fades. These days, Mil usually thinks that OH is her brother - sad, but not asd hard to deal with as the husband delusion.

Good luck, and I'll be thinking of you. It really is a dreadful and difficult situation to try and cope with xxxx

 

[70smand]

Lol Mrjelly, I love that suggestion, but I think I might get some funny looks. His eyesight is pretty good too.

I almost spat my tea out at that suggestion !
Sorry I can’t come up with much useful but I wonder if the medication has had anything to do with it, or as others say, it’s just one awful aspect of the disease?
My dad was pretty rough on only 50mg daily of Trazodone after 3 weeks and so the dose was halved and it still seems to be affecting him. Everything effects everyone differently I guess. I would remove the photo though and maybe put some different ones out of your mum and dad together if you haven’t already x

 

[Bunpoots]

@Elle3 when you speak to the doctor about the meds be persistent. Dad's consultant was totally unconvinced that his meds were the cause but once his dosage was reduced he stopped this behaviour within a week. I was amazed by the difference it made.

I hope you're as lucky as we were and it turns out to be that simple

 

[canary]

May I suggest that when you leave you dont tell him that you are going? You might lessen his distress by leaving your coat and bag elsewhere (I left mine in the nurses office, but others have left them in the car) so there is nothing to alert him that you are leaving and just say you are going to the loo. You could also try "going to the loo" as soon as he starts this delusion and then return to see if this is enough to break the delusion. If not, just make another excuse and go.

Obviously I didnt have this with mum, but in the initial stages I did get the buckets of tears and the "how could you?" tirades. I found I "went to the loo" a lot.

 

[Elle3]

May I suggest that when you leave you dont tell him that you are going? You might lessen his distress by leaving your coat and bag elsewhere (I left mine in the nurses office, but others have left them in the car) so there is nothing to alert him that you are leaving and just say you are going to the loo. You could also try "going to the loo" as soon as he starts this delusion and then return to see if this is enough to break the delusion. If not, just make another excuse and go.

Obviously I didnt have this with mum, but in the initial stages I did get the buckets of tears and the "how could you?" tirades. I found I "went to the loo" a lot.

Thank you Canary, I already use the strategy of not wearing a coat when I visit, I just have my bag, but I carry that around with me all the time, so he doesn’t see that as anything. I have to do that anyway as he constantly wants to leave so I have to make it look like I’m staying. I also usually time my visits in the morning around about 11am, so when lunch is ready I get him sat down then I make an excuse to go somewhere, the toilet/to get something then I leave.

When he starts acting inappropriately I have started making an excuse to go somewhere for a few minutes. But when I return he just starts again, like he did yesterday, even when one of the female carers joined us. So I did have to tell him I had to go to the shops and leave. So my visit only lasted about 20 minuets.

 

[Elle3]

Hi Elle,

I really feel for you. As Bunpots mentioned, we had a very similar scenario, with my Mil utterly convinced that her son was her husband. This started several months after she came to live with us, and it was horrendous to cope with. When it first started, we would laughingly correct her and she would accept it - and be mortified, poor thing. But it snowballed pretty quickly, becomming more frequent and her becoming increasingly adamant about it. Till we got to the stage where absolutely nothing we could say would sway her from this belief, when this particular delusion was in full swing (which was often). We had the innapropriate behaviour - inviting him to 'come to bed' (in front of our 14 year old daughter!) , trying to give hugs and kisses that were definitely not the mother-son type displays of affection. What was just as concerning, however, was how it shaped her attitude and behaviour towards me - because if he was her husband, then of course, I must be his 'bit on the side', the 'other woman'. She would explode (sometimes out of the blue) if he he called her 'Mum' or me 'love'. She would get furiously angry at what she perceived to be signs of his infidelity, not liking it if we sat next to each other, spoke to each other, if he kissed me goodbye or hello, sometimes even if we only looked at each other. Can't tell you how many times, even when he wasn't around, that she would start asking me how could I 'live with myself', knowing I was 'carrying on' with HER husband. And that would quickly lead to long and sustained bouts of verbal aggression. As I was her main carer, you can imagine how impossible that made life at times.

We could show her our wedding pics (she would claim that they were from 'just a party' or even that he was married to me 'years ago' but we had divorced and he had then married her), our marriage certificate (that was a fake, apparently). We went through a very strange stage where she would acknowledge he was her son - but claim he was also her husband, that they had got married in Ireland, where it was 'allowed'! She would stand there, screaming at me that he couldn't be my husband - because he spent every night in HER bed. 'Cringe' was too mild a word, at this stage! We would try to reason, to explain - all pointless, we discovered. And for obvious reasons, this is an instance where compassionate communication is absolutely no use at all - innapropriate talk, actions and verbal aggression are not something you can go along with in a situation like this.

In the end the only way we could deal with it was to cut her off as soon as she started. Correct her, refuse to discus or argue, and tell her to go to her room - there were times when OH actually escorted her to her room. Just her being near us was enough to feed and sustain the delusion for however long each incident lasted for. Taking her away from us, out of the environment was the only way that maybe, just sometimes, the delusion would stop - till the next time.

There were other issues, caused by extreme paranoia, delusions and sundowning that eventually led to her being admitted and sectioned. The hospital changed meds, withdrew meds, added meds - but still, when we visited, this delusion would occasionally appear, along with all the others. When we tried to bring her back home, within 5 hours, it happened again - and this time she physically attacked me. That was it. She went back to hospital, and from there to an EMI Nursing home. And even then, there have been times we have visited when this delusion has re-surfaced, and all we can do is leave - even if we have only been there 5 minutes - when she starts. In my experience - though I really hope its different for you - no medication tried had any impact. This delusion, the delusion where she believed there was a missing child or baby and she would be frantically trying to find it, the delusion where she believed there were terrorists and gun men all around her - mediction didn't help with any of them, they have only lessened with time and her deterioration.

I know how horrible it is, how guilty you feel when you have to restrict the length of visits because of something like this. At one stage, I even stopped visiting for quite a few weeks, and for several months after that, I would only visit with OH, because if he wasn't there she often was even more verbally aggressive and unpleasant with me. I just had to keep reminding myself that her getting upset and angry, often working herself up into a state where her anger made it more difficult for the carers after I/we left - well that outweighed the guilt. It was better for her if we restricted visits because it lessened the upset and agitation. Easier said than done, I know. But although perhaps your Dad's GP may find some medication that will help, or the mental health team (if you can get their input) might be able to come up with alternative stratagies (Mil's CPN couldn't!) , if it turns out that nothing but time will stop this delusion, I think you have to prepare yourself to cut down on visits, and keep them short till this delusion eventually, hopefully fades. These days, Mil usually thinks that OH is her brother - sad, but not asd hard to deal with as the husband delusion.

Good luck, and I'll be thinking of you. It really is a dreadful and difficult situation to try and cope with xxxx

Oh dear Ann Mac, what an awful and troubling experience this has been for you and your family, your poor husband. Thank you so much for your lengthy reply, it has helped. I was hoping that this might be just a blip but now I’m thinking this might go on, just like his obsession with money has been going on now for years.

It’s funny how you think things will turn out when the decision is made to put your loved one in a care home. I really thought in my head that we could almost continue as we did before, taking him out for lunch and shopping together and bringing him back to my house etc, the only difference would have been where he lived and I could start being just his daughter again. How dilusional was I. Now I’m beginning to understand how unpredictable Dementia can be as a whole new set of problems have arisen, this being the most awkward. When I was told by the first Care Home that they couldn’t cope with him and I had to find a Dementia + care home, I even chose a care home closer to me at a lot more cost, so I could visit more and now I’m thinking I need to visit less. I hate this illness so much.

 

[love.dad.but..]

May I suggest that when you leave you dont tell him that you are going? You might lessen his distress by leaving your coat and bag elsewhere (I left mine in the nurses office, but others have left them in the car) so there is nothing to alert him that you are leaving and just say you are going to the loo. You could also try "going to the loo" as soon as he starts this delusion and then return to see if this is enough to break the delusion. If not, just make another excuse and go.

Obviously I didnt have this with mum, but in the initial stages I did get the buckets of tears and the "how could you?" tirades. I found I "went to the loo" a lot.

Thank you Malalie, it really is an awkward situation and as I’m an only child it’s made it harder as all the responsibility for visiting etc falls on me. I have two sons and my husband and that is it. My dad doesn’t take too kindly to men which is also a problem. He’s been aggressive towards my husband but luckily so far not to my sons, so I’m hoping I can persuade my youngest son who isn’t working to come with me occasionally to visit dad.

Yes it happens in communal areas, that sometimes makes it worse as he keeps then suggesting we leave, I just keep trying to distract him but he’s very persistent and the memory issue of being like a goldfish doesn’t help as it’s just like a broken record, constantly being repeated and he won’t stop. I think it just amuses the carers.

I am horrified to read that you feel your poor dad's dementia presentation amuses the staff. They must take this seriously and take action to help you when you visit and find appropriate strategies to help your dad. It is your attention he is focused on at the moment but that may change and move onto another resident...another visitor or staff. An extreme case and apologies to anyone if they are upset by the following but I am sharing this with you not to alert you but hopefully to help that as terrible as you must be feeling if the home are proactive and seek mental health team input now if they aren't able or willing to try. A male friend when visiting his mum who she thought was her husband started masturbating as soon as she saw him and it didn't matter if this was in communal areas ...seeing her son prompted an immediate physical response. She was a lovely lady and this was totally out of pre dementia character she would have been mortified and her son really struggled at what was happening but she had no understanding of the situation. Staff put strategies in place and medication was given which lessened the problem until she advanced beyond that stage. Likewise dad received the attentions of a lovely chap but who started touching dad inappropriately in intimate areas...wasn't the chap's fault it was his illness but I took the matter very seriously with the manager and steps were taken which stopped the problem.

 

[Elle3]

I am horrified to read that you feel your poor dad's dementia presentation amuses the staff. They must take this seriously and take action to help you when you visit and find appropriate strategies to help your dad. It is your attention he is focused on at the moment but that may change and move onto another resident...another visitor or staff. An extreme case and apologies to anyone if they are upset by the following but I am sharing this with you not to alert you but hopefully to help that as terrible as you must be feeling if the home are proactive and seek mental health team input now if they aren't able or willing to try. A male friend when visiting his mum who she thought was her husband started masturbating as soon as she saw him and it didn't matter if this was in communal areas ...seeing her son prompted an immediate physical response. She was a lovely lady and this was totally out of pre dementia character she would have been mortified and her son really struggled at what was happening but she had no understanding of the situation. Staff put strategies in place and medication was given which lessened the problem until she advanced beyond that stage. Likewise dad received the attentions of a lovely chap but who started touching dad inappropriately in intimate areas...wasn't the chap's fault it was his illness but I took the matter very seriously with the manager and steps were taken which stopped the problem.

Oh no, I can imagine how very alarming and uncomfortable that must have been for that ladies son. I wouldn’t want the situation I have with my dad to escalate, I will definitely speak to the nurse about this and ask for their advice. At this moment it might be my own fault that the staff find it amusing as I haven’t spoken seriously too them about it, as at first for me it was kind of funny, but weird, I thought it was just a one off, but now I can see it’s becoming obsessive and it does need to be dealt with. I am hoping that if I visit with my son or husband this might send out a different message to my dad, if not, then I will ask the staff for help.

 

[Bunpoots]

I've just googled trazadone and it's suppose to decrease sexual aggressiveness but it can have the opposite effect on some people, in some cases leading to a state of arousal. So I think it's worth asking if he can stop taking it for a while. Apparently the symptoms disappeared within days once stopped.

 

[marionq]

Ive been reading with interest as my husband takes Trazodone. Definitely hasnt increased his libido and at 85 that's just as well. He has done really well on it - calm and less agitated. He always knows my name but recently has started to address me as Mum - not his Mum but my Mum!

He had great affection for my mother so if it makes him feel comfortable that she's around being kind to him as she always was then hey ho I'll be Mum.

 

[love.dad.but..]

Ive been reading with interest as my husband takes Trazodone. Definitely hasnt increased his libido and at 85 that's just as well. He has done really well on it - calm and less agitated. He always knows my name but recently has started to address me as Mum - not his Mum but my Mum!

He had great affection for my mother so if it makes him feel comfortable that she's around being kind to him as she always was then hey ho I'll be Mum.

There was a definite point of crossover from dad not knowing who I was to him thinking that I was his wife..my mum. He spoke and looked at me differently however I too felt it gave him comfort and he found so few areas of comfort amongst the agitation I was glad I provided at times that missing piece for him. Dad would verbalise as best he could and hope that I would lay beside him on the bed but I was fortunate that his thoughts were not going beyond that unlike Elle's dad.

 

[Elle3]

Thank you @Bunpoots for looking up about Trazodone, I hadn't done that. I think I could cope with him thinking I was his wife, but it's the repetitiveness of him repeating "I love you, I really do love you" over and over again and that look he gives me. But then if I ignore him or try to distract him, he get's all upset, thinking that I don't want him and this just goes on and on and on, until the only thing I can do is leave. I feel sorry for him too, as it must be quite upsetting for dad in that moment, if he thinks I'm scorning him.

 

[Bunpoots]

My dad was very persistent too until his meds were sorted. I know how desperate you must be feeling.

 

[70smand]

The trouble with medication is often the side effects they mention are ones seen in people without dementia - I have found that as my dad’s Alzheimer’s has progressed so has the way he reacts to medication. For example a couple of years ago 0.5 mg of lorazepam would hardly touch him but now it would knock him out for a couple of days. He also seems to get some side effects that aren’t even mentioned and his Dr says it wouldn’t be the medication and yet when the meds are reduced or stopped so are the side effects.

 

[Bunpoots]

The trouble with medication is often the side effects they mention are ones seen in people without dementia - I have found that as my dad’s Alzheimer’s has progressed so has the way he reacts to medication. For example a couple of years ago 0.5 mg of lorazepam would hardly touch him but now it would knock him out for a couple of days. He also seems to get some side effects that aren’t even mentioned and his Dr says it wouldn’t be the medication and yet when the meds are reduced or stopped so are the side effects.

Yes my dad's GP said it wouldn't be the medication but I insisted on an urgent referral back to the memory clinic and once the dosage was reduced back to the level before the behaviour started - it stopped. Within days. I was amazed how quickly it happened.

 

[Elle3]

I visited dad briefly this morning and straight away he was telling everyone I was his girl and then making suggestive comments to me.

I have been to see the nurse and she is going to request a review of his medication as she also thinks it may be the Trazodone as I said he never behaved like this before being put on this drug. She also advised me that he acted inappropriately to a member of the night staff last night, so they are definitely taking it seriously. He's also been far more abusive and aggressive the last couple of days.

I left dad very upset as he now thinks I don't 'want' him anymore. He was making suggestive comments to me and I said "No because I'm your daughter", but all he heard and understood was 'No', so he got upset, told me he never wants to see me again and that he's going away. I have warned the staff that he may try to leave and his behaviour may be worse this afternoon.

 

[love.dad.but..]

Ok...so of little consolation that he is still suggestive to you but the fact that he has now displayed this persistent behaviour to staff at least means it is not just you he is fixating on and they will seek advice now as a matter of urgency. Try not to be upset when your dad gets annoyed at you ...think of him by a different name when the dementia presents badly...so you can then distance that association from your normally lovely dad. The number of times I was told to **** off by dad when he was his dementia alter ego when visiting I lost count off. I could tell immediately from his body language in the first few seconds what sort of a visit it would be.