Dad in Hospital - Advice Needed Please!

[Fleur90!]

Hello, I am currently based in Berlin and my parents live in the UK. My Mum has been my Dads amazing carer for years and we have reached the point that Mum that her health is in jeopardy, and Dad needs extra care in a home. This last 2 weeks he has been trying a new nursing home. Unfortunately due to illness he has now had to go to hospital. I am looking for some advice around visiting him in hospital.
Slight context to the story, I am in Berlin, I am currently going through breast cancer treatment so can't fly. My Mum after not being able to leave her town for years managed to come and visit me for the first time going through treatment as my Dad was in the home. Now OF COURSE we will want to immediately be with him, however it's a slightly more complex scenario and we are worried because of the confusion and stress if we go in it will put his healing back a lot. Mum desperately needs rest, she's so exhausted, my Dad is refusing to eat, the dementia is pretty advanced so to speak and he's being aggressive/not sure where he is. Will seeing someone he knows make things more challenging for his healing? He's just reaching the stage of family in moments now appearing to be unrecognisable.
Apologies for the long message, I just wondered on some advice who know's a little more. We don't want to slow the process down of him getting back to the home or causing more confusion and stress I appreciate this may sound cold, it really isn't, we just want his safety to be paramount. Thanks for any advice in advance!

 

[Collywobbles]

Afraid I’m not going to be much help.

Unfortunately, there’s no way to predict how he will react. Dementia is so specific to each individual. He may be comforted then calm down and start to eat. He may be convinced the person has come to take him home, then become even more disorientated and distressed when they don’t. Or all points in between.

All you can do is what you think is best under the circumstances. Often, that’s just the ‘least worst’ option. Then you react to whatever the consequences turn out to be and try something else. And so it goes on. Such is the nature of dementia. I wish I could offer something more positive.

 

[Fleur90!]

No that is helpful, thank you so much for messaging. This is exactly the same thought process we were thinking which is why we are finding the tug of war so difficult. It's reassuring to know this at least though, thank you so much for taking the time to reply

 

[Ellie2018]

So sorry you find yourself in such a difficult place. My only bit of advice is which of the scenarios would give the most benefit, to anyone. Getting your mum back on her own will be stressful and you can’t forecast whether it will help or not. As your dad is in hospital, they should be able to manage his care 24/7 where your mum can only be there visiting times and leaving him each time could make matters worse. As someone has said, it’s not the best option you can have, it’s the least painful one as all will be painful some way. Good luck.