Hi
My first time on here. Could just do with a little advice if anyone can help – and I suppose I just want to let off some steam as well.
My dad was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s just over 3 months ago. He always had an amazing memory and admittedly I started to notice over past couple of years of so that sometimes he’d remember a few dates wrong – but nothing major – he still seemed he had a loads better memory than I’ve ever had! Then in April this year he became very low in mood and things just started going wrong from there. I noticed he wasn’t coping very well but put this down to depression (which he has had before). Then he had acute episodes of confusion which really worried me – this included putting the electric kettle on the stove, waking up in the middle of the night and not knowing where he was, and generally being unable to do things he’d always done, like going shopping or visiting the doctors.
I live in another city and am currently a student nurse, so basically am living on very little money and have no car. So, it was a very stressful time trying to complete studies, placements etc and also travelling to help look after my dad to make sure he was safe. My brother lives with my dad but takes very little interest in any of his care. My sister lives in the same vicinity as my dad but is unable to help much due to having 5 kids of her own and a full time job (and hasn’t had the best relationship over the years with my dad).
For a couple of weeks in May, when all this acute confusion occurred, I spent two weeks at my dad’s home trying to sort things out for him. He had recently been put on extra meds for high BP and started Metformin for type 2 diabetes (which he had controlled by diet for years). I was convinced he had had some kind of vascular event over this period due to his very high BP and that that was the cause of the acute confusion. Anyway, after several long weeks of various tests and scans the result was that there were no vascular changes to his brain. Other things were found, like prostate cancer and then later, ureter stones which resulted in a temporary nephrostomy tube,- so he had a few physical things going on as well- which was lot for him to cope with on top of his memory problems.
Anyway, he managed to cope daily and even started going out to the shops again. And it was at the start of August that he was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s due to changes to his brain noted on his CT scan and his clinical history. He acknowledges that he has memory problems. Anti depressants have helped his low mood somewhat, but he has completely changed from the man I knew just a few months ago. Apart from going out the house once a day, he just hangs around and does nothing. He was never very active or social, but used to enjoy spending time in the garden, reading the newspapers and having his lunch out in local cafes and pubs. He now just hangs round the house all day, eats pretty much the same thing every day and takes little pleasure in anything and does nothing. I really do think the anti depressants have helped his mood though so I don’t think anything more can be done on that front.
I arranged my next nursing placement to be in my dad’s city and have moved in with him temporarily until Jan 2011. I am really trying to not get too involved so that he doesn’t become too reliant on me and is able to maintain his independence. I’m finding it difficult living here, as even though my dad has been diagnosed with this horrible disease I sometimes find it hard to know what is my old dad and what is the Alzheimer’s – if that makes sense! My dad has always been, how can I say, a little selfish in certain regards. Just a few examples. The carpet on the hallway/stairs is threadbare and has not been changed in over 40 years – the wallpaper is in pretty much the same state. He has never really paid any attention to keeping the house in a decent state with regards to decoration. After my mom passed away in 2003, he has always ‘kept house’ as it were, but I have always done most of the major cleaning that needs doing when I visit him. This has always been abit of a contentious issue for me as I sometimes feel like abit of a skivvy for my dad and brother. My brother works full time, but I have never ever seen him lift a finger with regards to anything in the house – cleaning or maintenance wise. I have never got on with my brother and we just keep our distance from each other. There is no central heating in the house, and it is a large old house so gets very cold. There are two gas fires, one in the living room and another in the dining room. I arranged for a gas service check a couple of months ago and found out then that the old gas fire in the dining room was condemned in 1998!!! This made me very angry for a good while with my dad. He was willing to put his family’s lives at risk effectively – rather than put his hand in his pocket and pay for the necessary work to make the fire/chimney safe. I have always offered to do the work with regards to redecorating the house etc, if he would just pay for it – but he just shuns all suggestions. I have always worked (aside from my study now) but have never earned enough to sort out my dad’s home as well as look after myself! Two years ago I waited until he went on holiday with my brother for a week to redecorate/recarpet the living room because I was so ashamed of it to be honest.
Anyway, the reason I say all this is because it’s making things like arranging Power of Attorney very difficult. Over the last few months my dad has given me access to his financial affairs in order for me to arrange paying his bills etc, which he cannot manage on his own now. This amazed me that he allowed me to sort out his masses of paperwork and statements that he had lying around, and was further proof to me that he really isn’t coping. My father never let anyone know his financial status – my mom never even knew what he earned. But now, he has got this delusion of poverty. He is not in poverty and I have tried many times to explain this to him and have arranged appointments with banks for them to explain his statements as well, as he doesn’t seem to believe me. I know he is relying on me heavily and he always says he trusts me, but he is extremely guarded regarding any financial issues.
I have tried to explain power of attorney to him. I have printed him out information from various websites for him to read. But every time I mention about seeing a solicitor about POA he just says ‘We’ll leave it for the time being’ – (this has always been my dad’s response to most things!). He has always buried his head in the sand as far as I can see. I sometimes think he thinks that I’m trying to get access to his money to do the house up or something! (He absolutely refutes this). I have explained to him that I just want what’s best for him and would not spend his money on things that I did not believe he would want/need – as long as his safety was not compromised! I have made him fully aware (as tactfully as possible) that as long as he has capacity he is in control of his money and it’s purely for if there ever comes a time that he is unable to make decisions in the future.
Maybe I’m being selfish? I don’t know? I just would like to get the POA sorted out for my dad’s safety and my own piece of mind I think. He’s already hidden gas and electric bills from me that needed paying. He has said it’s because it didn’t want to burden me – but I know its cause he doesn’t want to pay for things! What if he starts to refuse point blank to pay for things? (bills etc).
His mental health doctor now wants to start him on memantine (ebixa). He has disregarded Aricept due to my dad’s slightly slower than normal heartbeat (apparently Aricept can have cardiac effects). I picked up the meds two weeks ago and several times have discussed starting the meds with my dad, but he’s very reluctant. He just keeps talking about the side effects and I think is just frightened of these. I’ve reassured him over and over and said if side effects were bad we would just stop the medication. I say to him how the antidepressants weren’t nice to take initially but how they have helped him and he agrees. But he’s so reluctant to start the memantine. I have told him it’s his decision of course, but really wish he would give them a go. Has anyone got any experience of memantine?
My dad has always been good to me and we have generally had a close (yet I suppose almost superficial) relationship. We always had a laugh together. Although I have always harboured some anger towards him for his none too nice treatment of my mother and sister over the years. I think he trusts me because I have never taken money from him really – as I’ve always been very independently minded. But now I’m I just feel like the happenings over the last few months have caused issues to come to the fore that aren’t particularly nice. I’m beginning to realise how much money really does control my father almost. My dad and sister had started to get their relationship back on track in the last few years after my mom’s death but that has rapidly fallen away now. She had taken him to his first two appointments with the mental health doctor back in June and August and when he heard the doctor mention ‘financial issues’ to my sister he became paranoid that they were colluding to get his money. When I found this out I felt it was best out in the open and told my sister. Many years ago my dad was very depressed for some time and became very paranoid, especially with regards to my mom and sister. We all tiptoed round it for so long and it did no one any good and now I just feel like everything should be out in the open. My father needs to be reassured that his doctor and sister aren’t after his money so I told them and they discussed it with him. Was I wrong to do this? I don’t know. That’s what I mean when I say, I don’t know what’s the Alzheimer’s and what is my dad.
My sister has made it clear that she can’t help too much in looking after my dad as it raises too many issues from the past that she finds so hurtful. And I can totally understand this. I dont think I’d even be speaking to him if he’d treated me the way he’s treated her over the years. But it doesn’t make anything easier on me. My brother, well, he’d just not interested. I just feel very alone in all this. I want whats best for my dad. But sometimes I think he just wants to keep me here in his house looking after him and not making a life for myself. I worry that as soon as I head back in January to continue my nursing, he’ll just find it too hard to cope. I think he is definitely better since I moved in as I think he’s reassured by my presence.
Sorry for going on so much – I don’t suppose I’m looking for answers. Just writing it down helps though x
My first time on here. Could just do with a little advice if anyone can help – and I suppose I just want to let off some steam as well.
My dad was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s just over 3 months ago. He always had an amazing memory and admittedly I started to notice over past couple of years of so that sometimes he’d remember a few dates wrong – but nothing major – he still seemed he had a loads better memory than I’ve ever had! Then in April this year he became very low in mood and things just started going wrong from there. I noticed he wasn’t coping very well but put this down to depression (which he has had before). Then he had acute episodes of confusion which really worried me – this included putting the electric kettle on the stove, waking up in the middle of the night and not knowing where he was, and generally being unable to do things he’d always done, like going shopping or visiting the doctors.
I live in another city and am currently a student nurse, so basically am living on very little money and have no car. So, it was a very stressful time trying to complete studies, placements etc and also travelling to help look after my dad to make sure he was safe. My brother lives with my dad but takes very little interest in any of his care. My sister lives in the same vicinity as my dad but is unable to help much due to having 5 kids of her own and a full time job (and hasn’t had the best relationship over the years with my dad).
For a couple of weeks in May, when all this acute confusion occurred, I spent two weeks at my dad’s home trying to sort things out for him. He had recently been put on extra meds for high BP and started Metformin for type 2 diabetes (which he had controlled by diet for years). I was convinced he had had some kind of vascular event over this period due to his very high BP and that that was the cause of the acute confusion. Anyway, after several long weeks of various tests and scans the result was that there were no vascular changes to his brain. Other things were found, like prostate cancer and then later, ureter stones which resulted in a temporary nephrostomy tube,- so he had a few physical things going on as well- which was lot for him to cope with on top of his memory problems.
Anyway, he managed to cope daily and even started going out to the shops again. And it was at the start of August that he was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s due to changes to his brain noted on his CT scan and his clinical history. He acknowledges that he has memory problems. Anti depressants have helped his low mood somewhat, but he has completely changed from the man I knew just a few months ago. Apart from going out the house once a day, he just hangs around and does nothing. He was never very active or social, but used to enjoy spending time in the garden, reading the newspapers and having his lunch out in local cafes and pubs. He now just hangs round the house all day, eats pretty much the same thing every day and takes little pleasure in anything and does nothing. I really do think the anti depressants have helped his mood though so I don’t think anything more can be done on that front.
I arranged my next nursing placement to be in my dad’s city and have moved in with him temporarily until Jan 2011. I am really trying to not get too involved so that he doesn’t become too reliant on me and is able to maintain his independence. I’m finding it difficult living here, as even though my dad has been diagnosed with this horrible disease I sometimes find it hard to know what is my old dad and what is the Alzheimer’s – if that makes sense! My dad has always been, how can I say, a little selfish in certain regards. Just a few examples. The carpet on the hallway/stairs is threadbare and has not been changed in over 40 years – the wallpaper is in pretty much the same state. He has never really paid any attention to keeping the house in a decent state with regards to decoration. After my mom passed away in 2003, he has always ‘kept house’ as it were, but I have always done most of the major cleaning that needs doing when I visit him. This has always been abit of a contentious issue for me as I sometimes feel like abit of a skivvy for my dad and brother. My brother works full time, but I have never ever seen him lift a finger with regards to anything in the house – cleaning or maintenance wise. I have never got on with my brother and we just keep our distance from each other. There is no central heating in the house, and it is a large old house so gets very cold. There are two gas fires, one in the living room and another in the dining room. I arranged for a gas service check a couple of months ago and found out then that the old gas fire in the dining room was condemned in 1998!!! This made me very angry for a good while with my dad. He was willing to put his family’s lives at risk effectively – rather than put his hand in his pocket and pay for the necessary work to make the fire/chimney safe. I have always offered to do the work with regards to redecorating the house etc, if he would just pay for it – but he just shuns all suggestions. I have always worked (aside from my study now) but have never earned enough to sort out my dad’s home as well as look after myself! Two years ago I waited until he went on holiday with my brother for a week to redecorate/recarpet the living room because I was so ashamed of it to be honest.
Anyway, the reason I say all this is because it’s making things like arranging Power of Attorney very difficult. Over the last few months my dad has given me access to his financial affairs in order for me to arrange paying his bills etc, which he cannot manage on his own now. This amazed me that he allowed me to sort out his masses of paperwork and statements that he had lying around, and was further proof to me that he really isn’t coping. My father never let anyone know his financial status – my mom never even knew what he earned. But now, he has got this delusion of poverty. He is not in poverty and I have tried many times to explain this to him and have arranged appointments with banks for them to explain his statements as well, as he doesn’t seem to believe me. I know he is relying on me heavily and he always says he trusts me, but he is extremely guarded regarding any financial issues.
I have tried to explain power of attorney to him. I have printed him out information from various websites for him to read. But every time I mention about seeing a solicitor about POA he just says ‘We’ll leave it for the time being’ – (this has always been my dad’s response to most things!). He has always buried his head in the sand as far as I can see. I sometimes think he thinks that I’m trying to get access to his money to do the house up or something! (He absolutely refutes this). I have explained to him that I just want what’s best for him and would not spend his money on things that I did not believe he would want/need – as long as his safety was not compromised! I have made him fully aware (as tactfully as possible) that as long as he has capacity he is in control of his money and it’s purely for if there ever comes a time that he is unable to make decisions in the future.
Maybe I’m being selfish? I don’t know? I just would like to get the POA sorted out for my dad’s safety and my own piece of mind I think. He’s already hidden gas and electric bills from me that needed paying. He has said it’s because it didn’t want to burden me – but I know its cause he doesn’t want to pay for things! What if he starts to refuse point blank to pay for things? (bills etc).
His mental health doctor now wants to start him on memantine (ebixa). He has disregarded Aricept due to my dad’s slightly slower than normal heartbeat (apparently Aricept can have cardiac effects). I picked up the meds two weeks ago and several times have discussed starting the meds with my dad, but he’s very reluctant. He just keeps talking about the side effects and I think is just frightened of these. I’ve reassured him over and over and said if side effects were bad we would just stop the medication. I say to him how the antidepressants weren’t nice to take initially but how they have helped him and he agrees. But he’s so reluctant to start the memantine. I have told him it’s his decision of course, but really wish he would give them a go. Has anyone got any experience of memantine?
My dad has always been good to me and we have generally had a close (yet I suppose almost superficial) relationship. We always had a laugh together. Although I have always harboured some anger towards him for his none too nice treatment of my mother and sister over the years. I think he trusts me because I have never taken money from him really – as I’ve always been very independently minded. But now I’m I just feel like the happenings over the last few months have caused issues to come to the fore that aren’t particularly nice. I’m beginning to realise how much money really does control my father almost. My dad and sister had started to get their relationship back on track in the last few years after my mom’s death but that has rapidly fallen away now. She had taken him to his first two appointments with the mental health doctor back in June and August and when he heard the doctor mention ‘financial issues’ to my sister he became paranoid that they were colluding to get his money. When I found this out I felt it was best out in the open and told my sister. Many years ago my dad was very depressed for some time and became very paranoid, especially with regards to my mom and sister. We all tiptoed round it for so long and it did no one any good and now I just feel like everything should be out in the open. My father needs to be reassured that his doctor and sister aren’t after his money so I told them and they discussed it with him. Was I wrong to do this? I don’t know. That’s what I mean when I say, I don’t know what’s the Alzheimer’s and what is my dad.
My sister has made it clear that she can’t help too much in looking after my dad as it raises too many issues from the past that she finds so hurtful. And I can totally understand this. I dont think I’d even be speaking to him if he’d treated me the way he’s treated her over the years. But it doesn’t make anything easier on me. My brother, well, he’d just not interested. I just feel very alone in all this. I want whats best for my dad. But sometimes I think he just wants to keep me here in his house looking after him and not making a life for myself. I worry that as soon as I head back in January to continue my nursing, he’ll just find it too hard to cope. I think he is definitely better since I moved in as I think he’s reassured by my presence.
Sorry for going on so much – I don’t suppose I’m looking for answers. Just writing it down helps though x
